My DH cannot feel emotions, what the fuck

[AlexithymiaDH]

We've been together for 6 years and married for three, we have two small children.

I've always known he didn't feel things as deeply as I or others but I never realised to what extent. I remember feeling confused and a bit saddened about his visible indifference to the births of our children.

I miscarried a third baby (I believe as a result of the birth control I was on that failed) and as I sat crying he was just angry acting as though he was being inconvenienced. I had to tell him how I needed him to respond in that moment.

Tonight during a deep conversation he revealed that he doesn't feel emotions the way others do, and while he pretends to understand me if I'm upset/anxious/excited etc, he cannot relate at all and never could.

He's not depressed and said he has never felt anything close to what depression appears to be. Never felt true sadness not even when a relative died. He doesn't suffer anxiety, even in situations where almost everybody would.

The only emotion he can identify with is anger (though he has never been violent)

He has been habitually unfaithful and whilst I've spent the past two years clutching at straws and try to understand why he did it to me, only now does it make sense. He cannot feel empathy. He doesn't truly care about anything and if he can't feel the most basic of emotions such as joy then how could he possibly feel love?

This conversation tonight has been the final nail in the coffin, as odd as that is given the history. You needn't tell me to LTB, I'm leaving.

He isn't normal is it? What is this?

I know someone like this (luckily not married to them). Emotionless, risk-taking, sexually promiscuous in marriage, very verbally skilled and loves the thrill of the chase. It's very sad but you have to just side step people like this. They are also extremely plausible and attractive, probably as they don't appear vulnerable and are very good at seducing others, either sexually or in business. The guy I know is successful in life, but just doesn't seem to respond like normal people emotionally. They are usually sorry they are going to get caught and are often pleased to live a normal married life almost like acting. I think often people like this are actually sorry they are like this and would like to be different...but can't be.

@Whatonearth2020

OP I just had to post because I’m in exactly the same situation. After 15 yrs, 3DS and what I thought was a great marriage I discovered cheating. I was then told he had never felt anything - no emotions. His indiscreet counsellor told me this was due to childhood trauma (boarding school at early age) which had effectively frozen his emotional development to that of a child. Staggered, I believed it and went through hellish counselling where he tore apart our marriage and claimed he only married me ‘because he thought that’s what people did’. I could gone. Anyway I loved him and the family and did my utmost to support him. Cue lockdown when he finally said that was it. Now mysteriously the lack of emotion has turned to cruelty. The ‘flashbacks’ have stopped. The ‘fear’ I created in him when I spoke (I was told transference from some early character in his childhood) has gone. My diagnosis - utter bollocks. It’s a line they spin. I literally cannot believe this is the man I married. And nor can anyone who knows us. My heart goes out to you OP - I know the pain.

I'm so sorry, what an absolute bastard.

Thank you for posting, i take comfort in the fact I'm not alone but I wish you didn't have to endure that

My Ex admitted this to me after 26 years of marriage. I told him I don’t feel anything from him, no emotional connection. He told me after we split that he only mimicked emotions to keep me in the marriage. He admitted he didn’t know what they really were as he simply didn’t have those feelings for anyone. It was all fake! As far as I’m concerned he’s a psychopath. They are not all murderers. They walk amongst us. Narcissist’s, psychopaths and sociopaths. I am still bitter sometimes at wasting the best years of my life. Definitely leave him OP. You cannot have a relationship with someone who appears human on the outside but is empty inside. You deserved to be truly loved and have a deep and meaningful connection with your partner.

He says he wishes he could feel what others do and that he feels like he's missing out because he's never felt the things that other people experience such as the profound joy at seeing their child born, the happiness that comes with being told good news, even down to experiencing nervousness. He just doesn't feel any of it.

I don't disbelieve him, he has nothing to gain from telling me these things and he's not using it as an excuse to justify shit behaviour. It came about as a result of a perfectly every day conversation. We weren't arguing or talking about marriage problems.

There's nothing he could tell me now that would justify how he has treat me but now he has let this slip, everything makes sense.

It has been the realisation that I needed two years ago, he will never change and can't be relied on because he lacks what makes somebody a viable partner.

Thank you ilikeme, and I'm so sorry you spent such a big part of your life with somebody so empty. 26 years is an enormous length of time and he didn't deserve a fraction of it.

I hope you found your happiness and peace

I'm definitely leaving. Not even wild horses could change my mind.

This conversation tonight has been the final nail in the coffin

I'm glad to hear that OP.

Alexithymia isn't just not being able to name emotions- with some people it can effect the emotions they feel mosaicscience.com/story/life-without-emotions-alexithymia-interoception/ but I imagine it's very rare for someone to have it to that extent.

The narc I was involved with kind of claimed to never have been in love, too.

As he is a cheater you're right that it does imply a lack of empathy and he probably uses people.

When I met him he had not long been fired from his old job, he was accused of stealing money from the company. He claimed he was innocent and had done nothing wrong and span such a convincing story I believed him. It later emerged that he had been compliant in repaying the money, so he wasn't innocent was he.

I've been reading 'Stop Signs' about warning signs of an abuser/wrong'un, and their work history, stuff like this, 'dishonourable discharge' from anything is a red flag. www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Signs-Recognizing-Avoiding-Relationships/dp/1580053874?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 I know how convincing these guys can be though.

Stealing isn't solely risk-taking behaviour as such, it is Anti-Social in that it's not caring about his financial obligations or what's ethical to do.

It's like a lightbulb moment tonight and I've finally been able to see beyond the mask...It's fucking shit really isn't it, to realise somebody never truly loved you because they're incapable.

It's shit. On the other hand, you've realized now, which is a good thing. Be proud of yourself for seeing what he's like. Some people stay permanently deceived and used. xxxxx

I left someone like this 10 years ago. I don't think he felt no emotions, he was more narcissistic than sociopath, but I had the same sudden realisation that he had never loved me, not the definition I understood of love. He had never "wanted to be a family", not in the way I understood a family. He was always cold in relation to his child. He was never empathetic, just irritated at the inconvenience.

It made it easy to leave when I understood all of that but it wasn't a nice thing to realise. Helped make sense of many things I discovered after I left, though.

I am much happier now and rarely think of him :) he has no relationship with DS1. Probably wouldn't recognise each other in the street.

I agree that you should leave him but I can't help feeling sorry for him with that deadness inside. The good thing is that he won't be hurt by you leaving

Npd/sociopathy/psychopathy.

Get out and start running.

It's fucking shit really isn't it, to realise somebody never truly loved you because they're incapable

Yes.

Grieve, talk to your friends, find the people who do love you to 'hold yourself full' in the next months.

There truly are much much better people out there. Your partner has has what, 25? 35? years to practise putting loving emotions on, he's good at it. But there really are loving people out there too.

Nurture yourself in the coming months.

Sounds like a psychopath.

Could be early attachment trauma that's left him stuck in an early developmental stage and cut off from his emotions.

I am autistic and feel things incredibly deeply - not just my emotions but everyone else's. Autism is a difficulty in expressing emotions; not experiencing them.

Could be early attachment trauma that's left him stuck in an early developmental stage and cut off from his emotions.

I think STBEXH has this bitheby. He always harks back to his childhood with his mum and siblings, and talks about they were united against their abusive dad. Is constantly idealising childhood a symptom of EAT?

Oh OP - I'm glad that you have already made the decision to leave - it sounds hellish for you.
However, you say that his cheating just fills the chronic void of emptiness he feels. I would question that narrative. He has told you he feels nothing, so why would he be feeling an emptiness? Of all the things he might feel, the only one he seems to actually feel is the one that excuses his cheating. Oh, and anger when challenged.

Ok so let’s unpack this. First off ALL people who cheat on their partners are filling some kind of void. Whether that’s a void in their relationship causing to feel dissatisfaction, or a deficiency within themselves.

Realising this does not make this man’s unfaithfulness any less exceptional, or worthy of compassion

Notice you who has been repeatedly disrespected by him is now pandering to his problems - spending time psychoanalysing his mind, trying to medicalise his poor behaviour choices in order to make the betrayal more palatable to you. Because in reality this must have made you feel physically ill & upset you terribly all this time.

I think you need go let go of wanting to be a good wife & start focusing on yourself. Stop researching “people who don’t feel emotions” and invest in searching for practical things which will help set you up for success in a new life which he is not a part of.

Please be aware that toxic people (especially narcissists) are extremely clever at manipulating people by feigning discoveries of personal insight into themselves. It lulls you into a false sense of security as it appears they have finally made some breakthrough - or given you just enough information so you, who tries so hard to help the one you love starts using all their efforts to help the very person who is hurting them when in it should be the other way around.

In reality these are never new insights into themselves, they have always known this & do not want or care to change. He may sense you are emotionally ‘done’ and watch for a disturbing escalation in his emotions when you do decide to leave, often appears as anger & later tears or hysterics/threats - or he will discard you in a completely cold manner. Either way you must use this time now to “get your ducks in a row” as they like to say here !

Every second you waste researching his mind, emotions (or lack thereof) and classifying his repeated brazen infidelities as some apparent coping mechanism to soothe his mysterious deep seated emotional problems you are cheating yourself out of a chance to be truly at peace & content in a new life

My DS has ASD and alexithymia. He feels emotions but cannot process or understand them. It is not the same as not feeling them. We are VERY aware that he feels them due to the ensuing meltdowns as he cant deal with them... he is definitely not cold or lacking in empathy, although he cannot express it well.

Sounds like my ex. He hurt me so bad but he is amazing at mimicking empathy and compassion so nobody believes me when I tell them how cold and cruel he was. Completely self serving narcissist.

He actually sounds like a psychopath. In the actual definition of a psychopath.
I've been reading 'The psychopath test' and the traits match. It's not for me to judge but I recommend you have a look x

I actually was going to say it could also be attachment disorder. My father has it and the behavior sounds very similar. But the key thing is you can't help or fix someone who doesn't want to be helped.

I meant to add he does also meet some definitions for sociopathy. My ex was diagnosed as one after we split and it explained so much

Is it a coincidence that people who "can't feel emotion" so often can still feel anger and lust? Isn't that just what's known as an arsehole?

I know my xh is a combination of all of these symptoms. Get out while you can.

Chronic emptiness sounds like borderline personality disorder, but as others has said the lack of emotions entirely screams narcissist / psychopathic traits. Whatever it is, it’s no excuse for his behaviour, but it may make you feel better to think that there really is something deeply wrong with him which you can have no influence over.

So for example if you or your kids died he wouldn’t care at all?

The term for what folks refer to as a sociopath or psychopath, is actually antisocial personality disorder, and it seems you might have married someone with exactly that.