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Original poster

Adoption and finding birth family, weird reception....

109 replies

Pachooka · 28/06/2020 17:50

I’m helping DP (50) find his birth family. We joined a website after typing in his birth name and seeing his birth sister was Searching for him.

We got her details today, unsure how long ago she registered, could be a number of years as her email address no longer worked but her phone number did...

I sent her a messaging asking if it was her and explaining we’d got her details from the website and gave her DP’s birth name. She simply responded ‘Yes this is (Name)”.

I tried to call her an hour or so later but no answer so sent her a message asking whether it would be ok to call and if so when. Still no response.

It’s taken DP a long time to work up to this and we can’t work out why she’s being so strange...

OP posts:
Flyingfish2019 · 28/06/2020 17:53

Maybe it’s stressful for her, must be a strange feeling to suddenly meet your birth brother.

Thingsdogetbetter · 28/06/2020 17:55

She may be somewhere where she can't process this, let alone speak on the phone. This is monumental to her too.

Butterer · 28/06/2020 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flyingfish2019 · 28/06/2020 18:03

I agree.

Original poster
Pachooka · 28/06/2020 18:10

It just feels like she’s changed her mind and doesn’t want to know.

OP posts:
Viragoesque · 28/06/2020 18:10

OP, I recommend you post this on the Mn adoption board. Many people on there were adopted (though most are there because they are parents by adoption) and have experience of tracing and having relationships with birth family.

Is your DH not receiving any adoption-related support about contact? It’s a complex and difficult thing, whether you are the adopted or the birth family, and it’s not surprising his birth sister is responding cautiously. Some counselling/support from a professional in the field would help your husband deal with the many possibilities ahead of him, which might include huge enthusiasm or no further response from his sister.

Viragoesque · 28/06/2020 18:11

Sorry, adoptee, not adopted.

X-posted with you, OP. Yes, it’s possible she might choose to have no further contact. That’s why it would be good for your DH to have some professional support.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/06/2020 18:13

Good grief, op. Give this poor woman a break. She could be at work, she could be ill in bed, she just might need some time to process this news.

Original poster
Pachooka · 28/06/2020 18:14

He’s wondering whether if she’s not keen on contact to contact other siblings who we’ve managed to find Through a lot of detective work on Facebook. He feels he’s come this far he doesn’t want to just give up now.

OP posts:
Butterer · 28/06/2020 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunshineCake · 28/06/2020 18:17

They've all said it.

She could have posted that message years ago and never thought anyone would answer.

You need to back off completely. Let your husband deal with this but he also needs to respect her and give her some bloody time and space.

Original poster
Pachooka · 28/06/2020 18:17

She was the one looking for him, and now he’s got in contact she’s barely responded. Of course he’s going to be confused and upset. It took a lot to work out to this when he found out she was looking for him.

OP posts:
Flippinfurloughed · 28/06/2020 18:17

It’s been an hour? You need to slow down! This is part of a journey for you guys but a bolt out the blue for her, especially as you don’t know when she registered.

Op please back off, tell your dp to be patient and try and help him process this rather than driving it with your own pressures / opinions. This is huge for them both, and needs to be taken slowly.

vjg13 · 28/06/2020 18:18

It would be better to use a specialised intermediary to approach her for this reason. It is important to consider everyone's feelings in this and she may need time to process this. It may also be a difficult time personally for her.

Flippinfurloughed · 28/06/2020 18:19

Cross posts - how do you know she’s not at work? Looking after a sick child? Trying to juggle giving kids supper / bathing them. You can’t just decide she has to jump just because you got in touch an hour ago!

TinySleepThief · 28/06/2020 18:19

If you only got her details today then I would honestly say take a step back. In a matter of just a few hours you've text her twice and rang her asking to have a conversation. It's probably a buge shock for her even if she wants contact. My advice would be to leave it a few days to let the news sink in.

Ulrikaka · 28/06/2020 18:19

There may be a distinction for her between finding out about him and meeting him. I have looked into my df's birth family, just for interest, but would be horrified if they actually got in touch and I do not want to actually get to know them.
Plus, it sounds like you are being a bit full on with your rate of contact, you've taken the first step, over to her.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/06/2020 18:21

If you keep pestering her it's going to put her right off. She'll think the both of you are a couple of weirdos. Don't forget that you and your husband are complete and total strangers to her, regardless of the fact your husband is blood related. She is smart to take her time and be wary before rolling out a red carpet leading you into her life.

flamingochill · 28/06/2020 18:24

She could be at work, waiting until her kids have gone to bed, waiting until other siblings can be contacted...

I realise that it's been a long time for your h but be patient!

Original poster
Pachooka · 28/06/2020 18:25

It wasn’t an hour ago, it was at 9am.

No one has been pestering her at all.

OP posts:
Bakeachocolatecaketoday · 28/06/2020 18:26

I imagine before she speaks to you shes going to want to make sure you are genuine. You could be anyone (and she may have had many spurious contacts already that have made her wary)

SunshineCake · 28/06/2020 18:27

In how great the scheme of things it is, it has been seconds.

Butterer · 28/06/2020 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Pachooka · 28/06/2020 18:28

be wary before rolling out a red carpet leading you into her life.

She posted her details on a website to say she was searching for him. We contacted her Simply to ask if the details were correct and if he could call her. He is not expecting a fucking ‘red carpet’.

OP posts:
ClashCityRocker · 28/06/2020 18:28

Bloody hell op. I was keen to get in touch with my birth family - that doesn't mean that I wanted to have a full scale telephone conversation with them right away.

I imagine even more so if the original request was a while ago and it's come totally out of the blue.

Offer an email address. Or just text for now.

It takes a lot of time to process whether it's something you want or not. A lot of people wouldn't ve comfortable with a phone call out of the blue, it doesn't mean she doesn't want to know your DP.