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Original poster

Adoption and finding birth family, weird reception....

109 replies

Pachooka · 28/06/2020 17:50

I’m helping DP (50) find his birth family. We joined a website after typing in his birth name and seeing his birth sister was Searching for him.

We got her details today, unsure how long ago she registered, could be a number of years as her email address no longer worked but her phone number did...

I sent her a messaging asking if it was her and explaining we’d got her details from the website and gave her DP’s birth name. She simply responded ‘Yes this is (Name)”.

I tried to call her an hour or so later but no answer so sent her a message asking whether it would be ok to call and if so when. Still no response.

It’s taken DP a long time to work up to this and we can’t work out why she’s being so strange...

OP posts:
luminette · 28/06/2020 18:28

Yes, slow down! She’s confirmed who she is. If she didn’t want to hear from you she wouldn’t have replied. I think going straight to phoning is too much - did you send a message back or just go straight to phoning?

Stop phoning, send another message - one.

luminette · 28/06/2020 18:29

To be honest I’ve reread your post and I really think you’re coming on way too strong - it’s not strange not to want to suddenly take a phone call!

Original poster
Pachooka · 28/06/2020 18:31

What's your next move? More texts and calls if she doesn't respond quick sharp and enthusiastically?

He was given up at birth. This is a difficult and confusing time. He found out his birth sister was searching for him. I have posted on here because this is a massive thing for him and was hoping to get some insight from others who’ve been in the same situation. The tone of your post is incredibly insensitive.

OP posts:
luminette · 28/06/2020 18:32

OP please do not do anything else without getting specialist support for your DP. You don’t seem to understand and may totally fuck this up for him - sorry to be so blunt.

Ted27 · 28/06/2020 18:34

@Pachooka

I'm an adoptive mum, please get this moved to the adoption board.

But really, you messaged her just over an hour ago ? As others have said she could be at work, cooking a huge Sunday roast, a million practical reasons.
But apart from that, even if she did register with a site to find him, its still a bolt from the blue. She isnt being 'strange' at all. She's has some very unexpected news. Give her time to process it.

Could I also suggest that she might be more receptive to her birth brother contacting her himself ?

Viragoesque · 28/06/2020 18:35

OP, you messaged her and phoned her within an hour. Slow right down. It’s not only your DH who will be experiencing a lot of emotion about this. I know you want to protect him, but other people’s feelings are also at stake.

jillandhersprite · 28/06/2020 18:35

Good god give her some space.
She posted on a website who knows how long ago and has probably forgotten about it as there was no response for a while.
Now like a bolt out of the blue she's heard from you. And there could be all sorts going on in her life right now... So maybe reopening wounds isn't what she wants to do on your timeline. She may need some time to decide if she does want to be in touch because maybe just maybe when she didn't hear back all these years/months ago she resigned her life to not having contact and now this message from you has sent her into a tailspin. (Or she could just be a busy mum that has her hands full today and doesn't have the time to think or talk about this today...)

Original poster
Pachooka · 28/06/2020 18:36

It’s not an hour ago, it was at 9am

OP posts:
Onceuponatimethen · 28/06/2020 18:36

@Pachooka I think I can understand how you feel - you will be feeling very protective of dp. This will have been huge for him and now he’s completely exposed himself in reply she isn’t answering

Try to support him to pace himself if you can - she could be having a panic attack or at work and may not be able to answer.

I hope you get an answer soon Flowers

michelle1504 · 28/06/2020 18:36

@Pachooka you sound like you're going about this like a bull in a china shop. Please don't go in in such an overpowering manner that you make this lady back off. Give it a week or so. She may have been the one initially looking a long time ago but suddenly her brother and his wife have popped up and she needs some time to process the reality of having contact with him as opposed to how she thought she would react to the theory of meeting/speaking to him.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/06/2020 18:40

You are being very unreasonable expecting a full on phone conversation the very day she finds out about your husband. I also think she might be a bit put off that you were the one to message her, and you were the one to call and leave a voice mail. Why didn't your husband do this?

FelicityPike · 28/06/2020 18:40

You sent a text so now she has your number. Try & not think about it and leave the ball in her court.
She might’ve forgotten that she’d posted her search & may now regret it.
I would absolutely let her be.

user1496146479 · 28/06/2020 18:41

God, I thought you were going to say, you messaged her a few weeks ago & hadn't heard back... not a few hours ago!!
Some days I might not answer the phone to a close friend if I wasn't in the right frame of mind, never mind something as monumental as this!! You need to step back! HmmThanks

StoneCold316 · 28/06/2020 18:44

You said yourself she could have joined that site years ago, especially as her email address is no longer working. Her circumstances could have changed it that time and she may need time to come to terms with it. Or, she may have given up hope after all this time and is shocked. I mean, there’s so many reasons.

Also, I understand it’s hard for your dh but if she decides she no longer wants contact with him, he will have to accept this. She is entitled to change her mind. There could be many reasons for this. Just because she was looking for him once, potentially years ago, doesn’t mean she’s in the same place now.

Just give it some time and wait for her to process and make the next move

MrsBungle · 28/06/2020 18:45

You really really need to slow down and give her time. My adopted brother’s wife contacted me by Facebook messenger. I saw it flash up on my phone, read it and I just felt shocked. I was sitting next to DH and I just carried on as normal, I didn’t even mention the message to him until 24 hours later. I messaged her back 2 days later. I’m so glad she didn’t try to phone me or message again. I needed time to process it. As it happens, we met up 2 months later and now we are close and see as much of each other as we can Smile

Just give her some time. There’s no rush.

Isthisfinallyit · 28/06/2020 18:46

OP, everybody is saying the same thing. Can you comprehend that you might be going about this wrong here? Or are you always absolutely right?

Back off. Now. You'll scare her away.

Dozer · 28/06/2020 18:47

As PPs say, suggest encouraging DP to seek specialist support before pursuing this.

Ickabog · 28/06/2020 18:49

I also think she might be a bit put off that you were the one to message her, and you were the one to call and leave a voice mail. Why didn't your husband do this?

I agree with this. I understand it will be a strange time for you DH, but all the contact is coming from you. If I were her I would be unsure about whether to reach out.

NellieandRufus · 28/06/2020 18:51

I agree that you need to give it time. She may have waited for this moment for years and she could very well need some time to process the news and compose herself.

She may want to choose a time when she is alone to call or she may want to wait for somebody to be with her.

Give it a few days and see what happens.

nogooddeedgoesunpunished · 28/06/2020 18:51

Potentially outing but I have experience of both contacting and being contacted by birth relatives. You are in real danger of her backing off completely. It's not like an Eastenders scene! Can't be wrapped up neatly in a day let alone a week! I needed time and understood others did too. Are you having professional adoption support? This is why it's often suggested as it's a very very difficult big leap from searching to finding to meeting/ talking . I hope you can understand that you will have to go at her pace or not at all. I hope it works out for you all

TheGardenFairy · 28/06/2020 18:51

You found your DP’s birth sister and messaged and called her TODAY. The time is irrelevant.

She has your contact details. Give her time to think (and possibly discuss with her family). The ball is her court.

My adopted DD is looking for her birth siblings. No luck so far. However, if she received a call from out of the blue from one of her siblings she would need time to digest it.

Good luck 🍀

Smallsteps88 · 28/06/2020 18:55

OP consider that we are still in a global pandemic and her life might be massively stressful right now. She may be sitting waiting to hear that a relative has died or has just been told her job no longer exists. You really have no idea what her circumstances are. You must be patient.

vikingwife · 28/06/2020 18:55

The huge problem here is how OP has completely taken control here & romanticised the “fight” for her husband to find his long lost family.

OP has overstepped the line by contacting this lady herself, why has the husband not made contact? This must come from him!

OP needs to take a breath, a step back & let husband take the lead

Op may mean well but she clearly is sounding insensitive towards this other lady & I can feel her anxiety & sense of urgency in this post. Imagine how this lady feels getting a series of texts & calls in one day & from a random lady, not even her supposed brother wants to apparently speak to her now!

Back off Op. If this all turns sour it will be you who your husband feels is to blame. I don’t think you actually understand the potential long term damage you are likely causing by taking the helm, instead of simply supporting him.

LynetteScavo · 28/06/2020 18:58

You have no idea what the woman is going through at the moment. She could be working all day in a stressful job, she could be dealing with a horrendous relationship issue or with a dying relative.

I wouldn't expect any more response in the next week. You should just wait now. I know it's frustrating but she wasn't expecting this today.

You need to be patient.

callmeadoctor · 28/06/2020 18:59

I would also suggest that you leave it to your DH now and step away in any event. Its down to them now.