Adoption and finding birth family, weird reception....

[Pachooka]

I’m helping DP (50) find his birth family. We joined a website after typing in his birth name and seeing his birth sister was Searching for him.

We got her details today, unsure how long ago she registered, could be a number of years as her email address no longer worked but her phone number did...

I sent her a messaging asking if it was her and explaining we’d got her details from the website and gave her DP’s birth name. She simply responded ‘Yes this is (Name)”.

I tried to call her an hour or so later but no answer so sent her a message asking whether it would be ok to call and if so when. Still no response.

It’s taken DP a long time to work up to this and we can’t work out why she’s being so strange...

If you're still reading, she needs time.

I'm an adopted child. I also have 2 cousins who are adopted. One of them was also on 'a list' and was contacted by birth relatives. It took her TWO WEEKS to respond to a message. She needed that much time to process and decide.

The 'dream' of a possible reunion is very different to the actual reality of a proposed one. Back away from the sister and leave her be.

I think you need to remember that it is a weekend and lockdown or at least a pandemic so she may have many people in the house (including potentially her/your dh's parent/s) and doesn't have the space or privacy to be able to take a call like this.
She might not have told anyone yet or she has but hasn't mentioned it to her kids yet or something else.

It's a huge thing to happen out of the blue, even though she is the one to initially reach out that doesn't mean it wouldn't be a shock.

if I was her I'd want to be on my own before I felt able to talk to you/him so that I didn't need to think about my emotional reaction around my children or other family.

The fact she seems uninterested or cold might just be shock and once she has the chance to digest it and get herself some bravery she could very well get in touch and things go well.

Sending lots of handholding to your dh as it must be quite scary for him.

Christ, talk about laying into the OP and her DH. Have a bit of compassion.

OP, take a step back for you and your DH's own sanity. You have done your bit to reciprocate her interest. It is up to her now. If she wants to get in contact, fine. If not, then you know where you all stand.

Lots of love and stuff to you and your DH X

I can imagine it got really exciting to see that his sister had posted, I would be feeling exactly like you.
You have seen the worst side of this forum here today, a little bit of compassion goes a long way. How soon everyone forgot to be kind.
Give it time, support your DP the way you have been.
I wish you all the love and luck x

The OP doesn’t need ‘You go hun!’ She needs what she has largely had on here, a reminder that there are potentially complex emotions on all sides, and that expecting a fast and euphoric response from a blindsided birth family member or pushing too hard too fast is likely to be counter-productive.

I have a friend who made contact with her birth family. It was very intense, very fast. Her birth mother wanted to pretend the adoption and separation never happened and act like an instant family. And she had to back away.

To be honest if I was the sisters friend I would be advising her to be careful. The impatience and expectation of an immediate phone call are red flags. I would be worried This whole relationship would be difficult to manage, and a whirlwind was about to burst into my life.

OP you have had some harsh responses. Your heart is clearly in the right place and you and your DH are in shock and confused. I think the advice to slow down is good.

People aren't laying in to her.
People are trying to help retrieve the situation from her completely overwhelming the poor woman she contacted 3 times in a day.

She's only made a few short posts on here but has come across as rude and demanding.
That's without any of us being emotionally involved.
Imagine if you were the sister who received the text ??

I put a message on a board 15yrs ago. No for adoption, but equally searching for someone. Internet was newish to me then in comparison to now. My life and things have moved on substantially in that time. Only yesterday I happened to search for this persons name, and my original search request came up!!! I was shocked my forum post was still available!

You don't know when this women initially posted this request. Could have been MANY years ago. Things in her life might have changed. As others have said- covid, death of loved ones ad relatives of your DH, what to say etc etc. You have been hounding her!

Giver her space and time FGS!