Adoption and finding birth family, weird reception....

[Pachooka]

I’m helping DP (50) find his birth family. We joined a website after typing in his birth name and seeing his birth sister was Searching for him.

We got her details today, unsure how long ago she registered, could be a number of years as her email address no longer worked but her phone number did...

I sent her a messaging asking if it was her and explaining we’d got her details from the website and gave her DP’s birth name. She simply responded ‘Yes this is (Name)”.

I tried to call her an hour or so later but no answer so sent her a message asking whether it would be ok to call and if so when. Still no response.

It’s taken DP a long time to work up to this and we can’t work out why she’s being so strange...

Can you comprehend that you might be going about this wrong here? Or are you always absolutely right?

What an unnecessarily goady post. But I’m going to bite. At no point have I said we’re in the right or we’ve gone about it the ‘right way’. Can you comprehend you might be being goady and insensitive or are you always so?

Thank you other posters for the constructive and helpful advice guys. It’s a weird and confusing time and we’re totally unsure what to do

Yeah I think you're being unrealistic here just because she hasn't responded how you imagined. Let her get back to you/him if and when she's ready. You trying to force it will do nothing helpful.

Give her some space! As she did not respond to whether he could call and she was probably not expecting you to. Maybe she is not finding it easy to talk today , maybe she has been in touch with other family members and want to talk it over first, maybe since posting the message she has found out more details and decided not to pursue it, or maybe she has other things on her mind taking priority atm. Why are you doing the searching and not dp? You do seem the more excited about this somehow.

I think there is a more supportive way of phrasing things than posters are seemingly aware of on this thread.

OP clearly feeling defensive over her husband’s feelings - no need to jump down her throat

It’s a weird and confusing time and we’re totally unsure what to do

It will be just as weird and confusing for her.

Just give her time and space to process the situation. If she wants to get in touch with your husband she will do so in her own time.
However, I agree with the advice for your husband to get profession adoption support. As there's always the very real chance that she doesn't get in touch.

Bit of an anti-climax I am sure and a disappointment with her having left her details on that site, not surprised you expected a positive response. No idea why people are being so unpleasant. Maybe it was a shock and she needs time to think about things.

And I am being guided by my partner. He asked me to call as he could t bear bad news.

He also asked me to post here for some advice as we know no one in a similar situation.

And now I’m being called arrogant etc.
Thanks for the advice, we’ll leave The ball in her court as planned but bowing out of this thread now because it’s actually upsetting and hurtful. We are real people Ina difficult situation asking for advice and some of the comments are just cruel and unnecessary.

As odd, upsetting, confusing and every other emotion it has been for your husband, it will be equally so for her.

You decided when you were ready to message, it doesn't mean she was ready to receive the message and process it right away.

You have, obviously, been very supportive of your husband and what he wants and needs, this lady is a person in her own right and has her own feelings too.

Don't rush her.

I'm an adopter, but have read over the years re contacting birth families.

You need to give it a month a least.

Imagine receiving a text out of the blue in the middle of a pandemic too.
You have no idea what has been happening in her life.
She might be stressed to the top at the moment.
She might have impact on family to consider.
She might want to take advice

'HELP I've just been contacted by BOB. Yes BOB. Adopted Bob. What an earth should I say? What if they want . How can I not say the wrong thing. How will X feel about it? Oh they've already messaged twice and phoned once today. I can't cope, I need time to get my head round it.'

I'd wait a month and then send a more detailed text apologising for 3 contacts, explaining a bit more about expectations (keep them low), and saying the ball is now in her court.

I've just watched my best friend go through this. Her sister was adopted at birth, my friend was taken into care when she was seven and then fostered until adulthood. Recently, her sister made contact with my friend.

I can't tell you how traumatic it was for her. It dredged up so many memories of her horrible childhood. It took her some time to want to meet her sister, and they had a few phone calls.

Then her sister decided it was too much and cut off all contact, saying she didn't want to speak to my friend again. It was like being taken from her mum all over again.

Please listen to the people saying you need third party support here. Your partner isn't the only one who will be struggling, and you seem unable to see things from his birth sister's perspective.

Her reception is not 'weird', your response is, however. She might need a few days to get her head around it, she might need a few weeks, it could possibly be months or years before she feels ready to handle it. One of my brothers came to meet me within days of me contacting him, the other took over 10 years.

You need to stop ringing her, she'll reply when she feels ready

It must be quite a shock for her. Give her time.

I have some experience of this, found my birth family.

PS: Actually one member of birth family but sorry, I don't intend to turn this thread around to 'me'.

I do think these things are difficult to navigate.

My husband was adopted and recently got in to contact with his birth mother. Bit different as it was his mother not sister and the contact was done through the adoption agency initially but they worked up to phone contact very slowly. They sent each other letters via the agency, then photos and after a few months had a face to face meeting and from there shared contact details.

Even though his birth mum had regularly contacted the adoption agency in the hope he had indicated he wanted contact with her it was still a big shock and very emotional for her when he did and took her a good few weeks to process her emotions before she could write a letter.

As I said mother/sister is a bit different but writing is probably an easier way for your DH and his sister to contact each other initially. If she hasn't replied in a couple of days you could text her and ask for an up to date email address?

Hope it all works out.

I also think she might be a bit put off that you were the one to message her, and you were the one to call and leave a voice mail. Why didn't your husband do this?

As someone who’s been through this, I disagree. I’m very glad it was my brother’s wife who made first contact with me. We agreed through messages between me and his wife that he would e mail me. I then knew to expect that first contact from him so I could prepare myself. It’s extremely emotional all of this.

OP, just because she hasn't responded straight away doesn't mean she isn't interested. Don't bombard her. As PPs said, she might be at work and/or busy with her family. She may need to inform other people that you got in touch before she responds.

I reached out to my cousins (aunts were adopted) and it was a shock for them and one cousin was angry that her sister didn't tell her immediately that I'd been in touch so there's more people involved in this than just your DH so be more patient.

Op I think you need to give this lady time. You have no idea where she is today or who she is with. She could be in hospital, be caring for an ailing relative or be ill her self.

She may also be a bit wary. You are not the person she wants to hear from. It’s a shame your partner couldn’t have done this himself - he may have got a more positive response.

Give her a few days. Don’t contact her again, but maybe in time your partner could contact her. Explain why he used a go between but explain he wants to reach out in person.

I hope it all works out

I don't think you are at all arrogant but this:

Pachooka Sun 28-Jun-20 19:08:47
And I am being guided by my partner. He asked me to call as he could t bear bad news.

seems strange for a fifty year old man. He seems to be pinning all his hopes on meeting his biological family and having a relationship with one or more of them. Life is often not like that.

‘ It just feels like she’s changed her mind and doesn’t want to know’

^ please don’t go into this so strong. It’s unfair for all.

If you sound this full on here I can imagine the calls & texts have come across the same way & you have overwhelmed this woman for now. Let her have time & give it a week or two before approaching gently again & make one form of contact, not several in close time frame

Also if your husband cannot “bear” bad news then arguably this may not be the right time for him to be on this journey. This could lead to incredible disappointment

It sounds like you’re in his corner cheerleading but forgetting this isn’t anything to do with you at all - I sense a real lack of concern for how this lady is feeling & I think you could potentially destroy them having some form of contact because this lady did not want to speak to you - she had wanted to find her brother. She doesn’t want to talk to you, over such emotional personal story as her adoption trauma.

I am really astounded you felt it appropriate to make those calls in the first place. That was his moment & you have taken it away

Just because someone asks you to do something doesn’t mean you should do it.

Another person may have felt that a way too awkward thing for them to do, considering it wasn’t their adoption trauma & this was not their potential birth sister.... really odd behaviour & attitude

For those who don’t understand this process, third party support here can be very expensive. I think it starts around the £400-£500 mark.

But yes op. You can’t go in to this the way you are, it is wrong and extremely cruel, you’ve no idea what these people have going on in their lives, or what has happened. Or what sort of distraction this could cause for them.

You’ve made contact, now give it time.
Just because someone has put their name on a website and tried to find them, it doesn’t mean they want to speak on the phone straight away or try and build up a relationship from the moment they get some contact.

If your husband can not mentally cope with this, don’t do it. It’s as simple as that.

I agree with @vikingwife it's not for you to control how someone else reacts.

Destruction* not distraction

I suggest leave her a message saying you appreciate it must be a shock, if she wants to ring or message back in her own time you will wait and hope to hear soon. But that if they want to hold off for a while your DP would appreciate them letting him know that. I'm sure you've already done that. One thing I've learned about adoption is it's very emotional and people need time. But feeling for your DP too, it must be huge for him. I think there's a reason that the adoption agencies help out with this family reunion stuff.