Adoption and finding birth family, weird reception....

[Pachooka]

I’m helping DP (50) find his birth family. We joined a website after typing in his birth name and seeing his birth sister was Searching for him.

We got her details today, unsure how long ago she registered, could be a number of years as her email address no longer worked but her phone number did...

I sent her a messaging asking if it was her and explaining we’d got her details from the website and gave her DP’s birth name. She simply responded ‘Yes this is (Name)”.

I tried to call her an hour or so later but no answer so sent her a message asking whether it would be ok to call and if so when. Still no response.

It’s taken DP a long time to work up to this and we can’t work out why she’s being so strange...

Pachooka Sun 28-Jun-20 18:28:23
be wary before rolling out a red carpet leading you into her life.

She posted her details on a website to say she was searching for him. We contacted her Simply to ask if the details were correct and if he could call her. He is not expecting a fucking ‘red carpet’.
....
There's no need for that, op. It is a very sensitive situation and you are not the adopted person. It isn't uncommon for someone else to act as a go between but they are usually a neutral person. I feel you are far too involved.

Writing letters for a while is often better than talking. You can ask and answer questions in a letter and talk about innocuous things, even be quite witty. Then each party has an idea about the personality of the other.

Anyway, she will probably ring and speak to your husband but has to get over the shock first. Believe me it is a shock even if it is something that was desired.

What's your next move? More texts and calls if she doesn't respond quick sharp and enthusiastically?

He was given up at birth. This is a difficult and confusing time. He found out his birth sister was searching for him. I have posted on here because this is a massive thing for him and was hoping to get some insight from others who’ve been in the same situation. The tone of your post is incredibly insensitive.

^

Actually op, it’s you who are being insensitive.
Her mum could’ve just died?
Or she could’ve just lost someone from covid?
Or this brings a lot of negative memories back and she’s not feeling brave enough to deal with them atm?

All you’re thinking about is you here op, and you’re not even emotionally involved here.
You need to step back.

Oh and DO NOT MAKE ANY MORE CONTACT YOURSELF in case that is not clear enough.

LEAVE ALL CONTACT TO YOUR HUSBAND !

I am not even adopted & can only imagine how odd & offputting it would be at my middle age to get a call based on some post I made years ago off a website looking for my brother & it’s not my brother but someone claiming to be his wife! Like why hasn’t HE called? It would feel like a scam. It wouldn’t be how I had pictured it either.

Imagine OP you’ve disappointed HER now for making yourself front & centre of her own adoption trauma. The narcissism word gets thrown around but I sense it big time on this post.

I feel genuinely sorry for this woman going about her life & in the space of one day She has already been written off by the OP. Poor lady doesn’t even have time to get over the shock & gather her thoughts, getting multiple texts & call in a frantic type manner

You’d be lucky if she doesn’t change her number. She may contact you or she may not. But do not engage with this woman any more yourself via any platform.

Op
I have been your DP
It took my DB a few days to get his head straight and contact me back, that was an agonising wait.
Fast forward 3 months he told me that he was coming to visit me with his family (him England me Scotland). At that point l almost had a breakdown too much too soon and l wasnt ready for it.
Take it slowly and give her space to process the details and let her decide how to proceed.
I wish you both luck on the road ahead.

I'm sorry about some of the responses you've received. What an exciting and scary time for your partner.

My auntie gave a child up for adoption years ago. They found each other and initially he was keen to become a part of our family. He changed his mind before I ever got a chance to officially meet him (I can't say I blame him). It was just too much for him. I can't imagine the emotions the sister must be feeling right now, especially if she'd been searching for years and had given up hope. Give her time.

I hope your partner gets the ending he wants from this.

Your DH hasnt been in touch at all...he has got you to do it. If I was an estranged relative and had some strange person contact me I would be aloof too. Get your DH to engage and stop throwing you forward. You have no idea what either of them are going throug hence your lack of understanding in this process

I disagree re vikingwife . I think it was fine for you to make the initial contact.
But 3 contacts in one day was far too much too soon.

OP it can be a huge emotional shock to receive contact. I did after 25 years and for your DH and his sister it's 50 years. It is such a lot to process.
Have you and your husband read anything about adoption search and reunion? It would be helpful to find out more about what things commonly happen in this process. I agree with others that speaking to someone about this would help. The Post Adoption Centre have a helpline who could help your DH. Good luck.

Omg it took me 4 years to contact my cousin who didnt even know I existed.
Sometimes you just have to be patient.

Don't panic/be disappointed just yet. She might have someone she wanted to discuss it with first, or anything. You don't know what else is happening in her life, she might be ill or anything.

She's probably very shocked op. If she's registered to the website a long time ago it's possible she'd given up hope. Either way she clearly needs some time to process this and she's perhaps wondering and over analysing what response to send to your DH. I wouldn't push for a phone call yet as this could likely cause anxiety about what she should/shouldn't say etc.
It's obviously a very exciting time for your DH and perhaps for his sister too but I'm sure with that other emotions will also have been stirred. Trust that she has your contact info now and will make contact if/when she is ready.

She may be more receptive if your DP made contact, rather than you

I agree with a PP, send something like, 'Hi, hope all is well with you. I appreciate this could be a shock to the system. Feel free to give us a ring when you're ready, or text if you want us to call. We would love to have a chat with you, 'Bob' and Pachooka.''

-even that might be a bit full on.

She probably needs time to process the text, attempted contact. Give it to her. Your DH has had time to process before he reached out to her. Allow her the same courtesy. She'll text back if/when she's ready.

It's her choice.

I agree with @Itwasntme1 give it days not hours. OP you don't know what is going on in her life or how she is reacting to this news. I would imagine she is contacting other family members and discussing it with them. As others have said, it would come across a lot better if her sibling was making contact rather than a stranger with no ties. You come across as defensive and angry on his behalf, which is understandable, but not particularly helpful in this situation.

She may, of course, have changed her mind. Her prerogative.but obviously incredibly hurtful for your partner.

Hi OP,

I first made contact with my birth brother just under two years ago.

These things are very delicate and all parties must proceed gently.

The first time we met I left feeling a little deflated as I had built up an expectation that there would be this big exciting reunion where it felt as though we'd never been separated etc.

The reality was very different, it was very awkward with silences on both sides with us not knowing what to say. Thankfully SIL was there to bridge the gap and keep things flowing.

Fast forward to now and we chat fairly regularly, we've met up a handful of times and keep each other up to date with our families. We are very much becoming brother and sister, but slowly.

The point I'm making is that these things rarely go as you would expect them to and take a long time.

Given that she was actively looking for him I'm sure there is still a large part of her that wants to know him, but perhaps she was never expecting that day to come - so for this to happen it's a shock to her system and may have brought other emotions to the surface.

I totally understand why your DH feels he needed you to act as a buffer. My lovely SIL was an enormous support for DB and really helped the whole process, I deeply care for her as a result of that and am so glad to have her in my life too.

Give it a couple of days and hopefully she gets back in touch. She will need to mentally prepare, I know we did.

Good luck x

There is no truth. None of us knows what this woman is feeling but the OP came at this from the point of view of trying to understand and help her husband. She's been treated like a criminal. It's the worst of Mumsnet.

My daughter who we adopted as a baby, has in recent years searched for her half siblings (also adopted into different families). In every case it was several weeks, more likely nearer to a month, before they felt ready to reply after the initial response was made. They all said, although wanting to know more and being open to contact, they needed some time to process this monumental event before they could formulate a proper reply. My daughter understood that this would be the case, and was therefore happy to wait for as long as her new half siblings needed. They maybe needed time to think, time to talk to their parents, and maybe then think some more before they felt ready. I must admit I am a little aghast that you expected a reply so soon. It could well be months before they feel ready to formulate a proper response. I should add that my daughter and her half siblings all have good friendships with each other now. Please do not be impatient as this is HUGE and a message, even if hoped for, will come as a complete shock.

OP, please stop saying "we"
It's your dh and his sister, nothing to do with you.
I mean that in the best way, honestly.
You need to follow not lead, let him and her work it out.

Pachooka id like to suggest you repost this on the adoption boards. You may find the support and responses a little different as, unlike the general relationships board, the people posting there usually have the experience and insight that you most need.
Best wishes- I hope things work out and your partner gets the answers he is hoping for.

Give her time, OP. It's a big conversation to get ready for.

Gosh an hour or so later?? She might be out or away or sick or anything. Try and relax, don't come on too strong or she will run a mile. Take it from someone who knows!!

Putting myself in her shoes. I registered late one night a few years ago and suddenly get a message out of nowhere whilst I'm working, homeschooling, whatever. I might want to speak to my partner, parents, best friend to process. You should give her at the very least a week before deciding she isn't keen. It's a massive thing to process.