I hate my life

[shas19]

Hes done it again. Got angry started throwing things, screaming. I've just basically said goodbye to my two children because I just want to die. I'm currently walking the streets crying trying to remember what my kids smell like and all the little details of their faces

Hello, do you have someone who you can call?

Hi OP, I’m sorry to hear this. Where are the children? Have you got someone to look after them? Could you ring woman’s aid to help you through this situation?

Kids are safe with their nan. I cant take it nomore

Don't make your children your sacrifices. They need you. He doesn't.

Walk straight into a Police station, and ask for help.

Don't leave your children. Go home for them x

Hes never been physical with me but today looked like it was going that way
This is breaking my heart

It sounds truly awful....however your problem is not you its him....stay with your mum and focus on your own recovery and not returning to him. You can do it.....

This is the national helpline for Domestic Violence: 0808 2000 247

Can you go to your mum with the children for a few days? Shas, your little ones need you. What will happen to them if you’re not there to protect them?

I'm not in contact with any of my family. We're at his mums atm, was due to be next month
I just feel like throwing myself under a car I cant take it

Is their Nan your Mum?
If so could you go and stay there with the children whilst you find a home for you and the DC?
If not, do you have any friends or family that you could stay with? With the children, if course. Even for a night and tomorrow get in touch with an agency that can help you find somewhere safe to stay.
Do not wander the streets and then go home and continue living this hellish life.

Sorry, read last post.

Any friends nearby or who would come pick u up?

Was due to move next month*

It feels hopeless right now but the little ones will ask after their mummy especially if they are scared.

Contact domestic violence helpline and women’s aid to help you access shelter.

Please get some help OP. You DCs need you. You have them to live for. I'm so sorry you are in this situation 💐

I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone what's going on. Everyone thinks hes perfect. I answered back today and he told me if I kept my mouth shut then I woulsnt be single right now and that he'll talk to me how he likes

We believe you and so will the domestic abuse helpline. Right now you need practical help to find somewhere to stay and remove the little ones from a dangerous/volatile situation. Please call them. A big hug to you

Don’t Let him win. You’re stronger than you think, you just need to know where to ask for help. Please ask for help x

The worst thing is I love him so much it hurts. How is that even possible

Please get help to remove yourself from this toxic situation and please don't do anything. I know it doesn't seem like this now but things can be fixed for you and your children. And don't be embarrassed, it's him that should be ashamed.

He's the embarrassment, not you. He's made you feel too small to cope without him, but it's bull, you will be fine without him, much better than ever. Your children are always going to want you in their lives, take strength from their love, which is unconditional, very much unlike a man's love - which can come with so many conditions, which is why they are never as important as your kids.

Apologies as I assumed you were at your mums. I appreciate you feel helpless...however do you want to leave this abusive man in charge of looking after your DC? Focus on that to get you through it. I have an appreciation of what your going through as my mum was beaten by my dad regularly and couldnt leave, I never understood why should would accept that. He left in the end but now as an adult I think my mother had thought that she loved him however it was just a toxic triangle of abusive that she couldnt break. He left and she met a lovely man who became my step father and she was so happy....this could be your future

When you say how is it possible that you love him so much it hurts, and he is so horrible to you, I get it.
This happened to me. It's how they get inside your head and make you think you can't live without them. It's horrible heart rending pain. But you can get away, and you can get better, I did.
But I needed help and the first step was it getting so bad I posted on mumsnet for help. You have taken the first step. Please go to the police station or womens aid and ask for help.
Even your gp, an emergency appt out of hours. Tell someone in real life and ask for help. You deserve to be happy and healthy and safe.
Please ask someone for help, it really does get better. You are worth so much