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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I hate my life

54 replies

shas19 · 28/06/2020 17:21

Hes done it again. Got angry started throwing things, screaming. I've just basically said goodbye to my two children because I just want to die. I'm currently walking the streets crying trying to remember what my kids smell like and all the little details of their faces

OP posts:
Yankathebear · 28/06/2020 17:57

Don’t let him win.
Go to your nearest hospital or police station and tell them what you’ve said here.
Would you consider calling the Samaritans?

Original poster
shas19 · 28/06/2020 17:58

I feel stupid calling womens aid, he hasnt hit me, majority of the times it's fine but when it's like this I dont know what to do with myself

OP posts:
sunflowersandtulips50 · 28/06/2020 18:00

abuse doesnt need to be physical please seek some help

JustC · 28/06/2020 18:01

Please do not leave your children to grow up with someone like him. And please talk to someone, the embarrassment is (should be) his, not yours. You need support, and your children need you.

PassTheSherry · 28/06/2020 18:02

Even if you love him, you can't fix him or change his behaviour by proving how much etc. You can help him better by not being afraid to walk away from him if you need to. And you need to, because he is being abusive - he needs to control his anger and not use it to scare you with. He isn't even taking responsibility for his lack of control. You have two innocent children who didn't ask to be in this situation and they love you. Don't leave them to it. Please call a helpline. If it's difficult - I think Boots pharmacies have opened up their consultation rooms as safe spaces for people to ring helplines etc. Although I don't know much more about that sorry. I do hope you will realise you're stronger than you think and what he is doing is wrong.

DDIJ · 28/06/2020 18:11

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

stealm · 28/06/2020 18:16

Please get someone to help you. Phone Samaritans, Women's Aid or your emergency GP. It's really important. Once you start talking to someone they can help you.
Do it for your children. You love them very much - I can tell that.
You mean the world to them too.

Rosequartz7 · 28/06/2020 18:18

The fact you are so distressed right now shows that the way he treats you is not right. Healthy relationships do not make you feel that you don't want to be here any more. The best thing you can do is tell someone and go from there. Horrible people thrive on secrecy to keep you where they want you, they make you believe the shame is yours, but its not.
You dont deserve to feel like this

TheBouquets · 28/06/2020 18:25

Could it be that the reason you are not in contact with your own family is that your H has engineered that situation. Or it might be that your family had wanted you to leave and you would not leave.
Whatever the truth is it is likely that your family would help you in the present situation. You could try them by phone.
Anything is better than roaming the streets in your present distressed state

MNHQ
LouMumsnet · 28/06/2020 18:27

Hi there, @shas19 - we're just bobbing on to your thread as we wanted to point you in the direction of our advice page where you'll find some useful links and contact details.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

Take care.

Flowers
DDIJ · 28/06/2020 18:28

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

LyndseyRose · 28/06/2020 18:30

@shas19

I feel stupid calling womens aid, he hasnt hit me, majority of the times it's fine but when it's like this I dont know what to do with myself
Abuse doesn't have to be physical, it's making you feel like you want to end your life there is nothing stupid about reaching out for help. Please speak to someone, your children need you.
Original poster
shas19 · 28/06/2020 18:43

Hes just text me asking what to put in the stuffing. I feel like I'm going crazy, have I just imagined all this. I sound so pathetic

OP posts:
CrazyToast · 28/06/2020 18:48

You don't sound pathetic. You aren't remotely pathetic, not at all. He has done this and he is manipulating you.

It is not pathetic to love him or to feel awful. It makes you a good person.

Try to get support from someone you know, and talk to us here so you don't feel alone xxxx

TheBouquets · 28/06/2020 18:54

Him acting as if there is nothing wrong at all is a method of making you question your thoughts and feelings. It is manipulation. See it for that and you will start to see more.
Still get in contact with Womens Aid. National Domestic Helpline and all the other recommended organisations

Original poster
shas19 · 28/06/2020 19:00

I've had a good cry, going to go home and hug my children. Probably cry some more. Thank you for all your replies, this is so hard

OP posts:
needhandhold · 28/06/2020 19:04

Can you go no contact with him. It’s the only way. You can do this. You can get away.

PassTheSherry · 28/06/2020 19:17

It really is. So sorry you are having to deal with this. What he is doing is emotionally and psychologically abusive. He has behaved appallingly with the throwing things - it's scary behaviour! He may not have hit you but by throwing stuff around he is showing you that the potential for violence is there. Shouting and screaming is also intimidating. It silences you because you have no choice. If you shouted and screamed too, there is a strong likelihood that it will get a whole lot worse because he has already shown you that he can't control his actions by throwing things. Basically he is behaving like a bully to get his way. He is not interested in what you think or say, and telling you he can speak to you how he wants shows that. Now he is texting you to ask about what to put in the stuffing - he is gaslighting you. He is acting as though nothing bad has happened and its all normal - just a tiff - and you're left thinking how you are feeling is an over reaction and you're crazy. You're not. But he wants you to brush it under the carpet now and get back to the usual routine. It is really manipulative and selfish of him because it doesn't sound like he thinks he's done anything wrong. You don't deserve this treatment it's not OK. It will wear you down if you keep accepting it. Also your children will grow up thinking relationships look like that and it's normal behaviour. It's not.

ThePathToHealing · 28/06/2020 19:50

Please call women's aid. My ex didn't hit me. He threw things, kicked things and yelled at me. I remember leaving one day in tears and having to go back to the house with a lump in my throat and shaking legs. Women's aid were brilliant. They really understand.

Abusers use your brain against you. When they treat you like shit you feel awful but when they do the smallest thing that makes you think they love you, you are hit with dopamine. It's a cycle over and over, just like an addiction. I loved my ex more than anything because he said I was beautiful once, rather than the 99 times of calling me ugly. You hope that the happy, nice and loving version of him is the real him (it isn't). Trauma bonding is a powerful thing.

You deserve and can have a life worth living. It's not easy but it can be done. You don't need to make any decisions now, even if you call women's aid, they will go through your choices.

Original poster
shas19 · 29/06/2020 19:49

Hes just got home from work, thrown a water bottle for what reason i dont know and left the water all over the floor, had a go at me because dinner isnt ready. Last nights apology lasted long

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 29/06/2020 20:06

OP, there are solutions to this that don't involve harm to you or bereaving your kids. Women leave men like this every day, you see their stories on here all the time, and do they ever regret it? Once you're out of his shadow you'll be astonished how much light there is. How can you think putting up with this or harming yourself are the only two options? Don't you see the obvious third choice?

Women who truly believe with all their hearts that they love these men, who feel exactly like you do, still leave all the time. It absolutely can be done, it's the most possible, possible thing. Don't try to save him, save yourself and your kids. The man you love either doesn't exist or never did. There is nothing for you here. It isn't going to get better, you aren't going to get it back, it was probably never real to start with. There's a third option with all possibilities behind it.

RLEOM · 30/06/2020 01:38

Are you OK, @shas19 ?

PicsInRed · 30/06/2020 07:52

@shas19

Hes just text me asking what to put in the stuffing. I feel like I'm going crazy, have I just imagined all this. I sound so pathetic
He is gaslighting you into feeling that you are the one who is insane and that alone can drive a person mad. He is emotionally/psychologically abusing you, which is an excruciatingly painful thing to endure. You're not alone and he is an abuser.

Has he made threats to take the kids if you leave? Calls you crazy? You mentioned you live with his mum? Do his family back him up and help abuse you?

MollyButton · 30/06/2020 07:59

Please please - tell someone
Women's Aid or the Police DV or even the Samaritans
Get help and get out with your children

lucielle · 30/06/2020 08:18

Hope you are ok op.

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