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Original poster

Too self conscious about looks to meet up

110 replies

Gemi33 · 28/06/2020 16:01

I've been single for a very long time and after putting it off for a while I joined a dating app at the start of the year. I haven't really met anyone I'm particularly interested in but in the last couple of days I've started chatting to someone - he seems really nice. He has already mentioned us meeting up. This is the problem and partly why I was reluctant to try OD, I am very overweight and look horrible. I have been for a while and have tried unsuccessfully to lose weight for a while but now it's even worse because I have put weight on in lockdown so I'm even bigger. I'm not sure that my photos show how big I am and I'm really worried about meeting up with him and him running a mile and being really put off. I don't want to offend him though and say no...is anyone else in a similar position?

OP posts:

PumpkinP · 28/06/2020 16:02

Did you put up recent pics? You need to show him what you look like first as there was a thread on here the other day about a man not being honest about what he looked like so shouldn’t be different for a woman.

Bunnymumy · 28/06/2020 16:16

I think it might be wise to put some up to date picks on too. But get dolled up for them. It might even make you feel better about yourself to get all glammed up and see what can be rather than just your every day look.

As for him...you could say 'I've piled on a few pounds since my photos and have just started to diet so it's probably not the best time to meet atm, I wouldn't want to catfish you lol'. You'll probably find he will say its fine and he doesnt mind. If he does not say that then you'll know he isnt for you straight off the bat.

Third, start thinking about your health. Maybe you just haven't found what works for you yet diet wise. I think you need to find the inner will to do it without thinking 'oh if I find a man then that will give me the confidence boost to try get in shape'. It doesnt work like that. You need to do it because you want to feel better in yourself.

Putting more effort into your appearance may help you feel like making more of an effort. You could also try get out and walking more while the weather is nice...not for the weightless but just because it will make you feel healthier and give you more energy.

Lockdown can turn into your best friend instead of your worst enemy but you have to really want it. Dating right now may not be the best move as men can be cruel. But you never know, it depends on the man.

But I think if you focus on feeling better about yourself and finding a diet that works then dating will be less worry for you.

DDIJ · 28/06/2020 16:18

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster

Gemi33 · 28/06/2020 16:20

The pics are recent but just not full length pics so I'm not sure that it's obvious how big I am.

OP posts:

Summertime87 · 28/06/2020 16:23

Most men don't care about size. Wear something complimenting your shape, nice hair, natural makeup etc. If he doesn't like you then oh well you didn't need him to like you

Sooobooored · 28/06/2020 16:23

Put up some full length pics now and tell him you have put some new pics up. (Not sure you were asking for diet advice.)

Oopsiedaisyy · 28/06/2020 16:23

I described myself as BBW on my profile, I'm a size 22.

I look thinner in selfies, so I did make sure they knew I'm pretty substantial. Didn't have an issue

Summertime87 · 28/06/2020 16:28

Sorry forgot to add, I have been in that situation, after meeting the first bloke who didn't care about my size, it got easier to meet more blokes without feeling insecure. Don't forget he probably thinks he's not all that, most blokes are insecure

Oopsiedaisyy · 28/06/2020 16:57

Not all men like slim women

PumpkinP · 28/06/2020 16:57

I have to disagree with a pp ime men do care about size, if you’ve Only put up face pics I would really put up a full length one. There was a thread on here the other day like I said and the man showed up and was much more over weight than his pics and everyone said how wrong it was that he deceived the op.

formerbabe · 28/06/2020 17:02

Can I be really nosey and ask what size you are? Only because I hear some women on here describe themselves in really dreadful terms and it turns out they're actually not even that large.

category12 · 28/06/2020 17:06

Just send him a full-length, more up to date photo. If he blows off the date, you're well rid.

LittleWing80 · 28/06/2020 17:20

I don’t Think you should justify yourself and say something like: I piled on a few pounds. Like you have been naughty. If a guy doesn’t like you for whatever reason, you don’t want him!

I agree with @PumpkinP put at least one full length pic and let him decide. If he changes his mind (which I doubt), you won’t have the embarrassment of a face to face rejection. Or why waste your time anyway? If he still wants to go on the date, you will feel a lot less nervous knowing that your fear is Unfounded.

Fairycake2 · 28/06/2020 17:25

I'm a size 16 so not small and it hasn't put many guys off at all. However, I am honest about it and had (giving OLD a rest for now) always added full length photos and described myself as curvy in the drop down body type list. As pp have suggested, why not get dressed up and take some full length selfies. I bet you look much better than you think 💐

Sooobooored · 28/06/2020 17:27

I had a guy ring me before a first date to ask how much I weigh as he didn’t ‘do fatties‘ .

Summertime87 · 28/06/2020 17:28

Me and Pumpkin have different experiences. I have never met a man who was bothered by my size 18 body. However, I agree with PP saying to post at least one full body picture. However, if he's agreed to meet you without seeing a full body picture, it seems he's more bothered about your size? I've always made sure I looked after my appearance , just struggled with weight. I think as long as you make sure you look nice, the average man doesn't care, it's honestly not a big thing to worry about anymore.

Summertime87 · 28/06/2020 17:29

Sorry, I meant: he's not bothered

GreyShadow · 28/06/2020 17:29

@Summertime87

Most men don't care about size. Wear something complimenting your shape, nice hair, natural makeup etc. If he doesn't like you then oh well you didn't need him to like you

Absolute nonsense most men do care about size on a first date. Some want skinny, some want BBW.

Completely different if you've been with someone years and put on weight, but for the first initial OLD yes men care. And women!!

I've been on many dates, and most have a "horror story" of meeting someone who does not look like their pic.

As a PP said put BBW in your profile, be proud of who you are, you're setting yourself up for heartache if you hide the fact you're overweight.

Go for OP! And good luck.

Summertime87 · 28/06/2020 17:34

I disagree Shadow
I have done online dating my whole life since I was 18 and have been a size 16/18 so plus size.
I've made profile with only face pictures, met blokes and had them begging to see me again. I've never had a man mention weight or my size, ever, even in a long term relationship. I've dated skinny men, big men, muscly men.
I think if OP feels comfortable she should post a full length photo, however like I stated, unless he's out right asked her for a full length, then he doesn't seem too bothered.
The men who only like skinny women, surely would out right ask for full length pictures ?
Don't feel pressure OP, do whatever feels right.

PumpkinP · 28/06/2020 17:43

Sadly for me when I was a size 20 I was invisible to men, it’s only now I’ve lost weight that men show me interest any again. I think most people don’t want to date someone over weight men and women. I’ve heard of men laughing about fat women who disguise their weight by only putting up face pics and they’ve met them and they’ve been double the size they thought they were. Yes some men do like bigger women but you should be upfront about it not use trickery to pretend to be smaller. If this was a woman posting that a man was a lot more over weight than he looked in his pics the responses would be very different.

GreyShadow · 28/06/2020 18:09

Hmmm interesting @Summertime87 maybe it's an age thing? And my apologies for coming across abrupt :)

And you're right OP shouldn't feel pressurised, however you and I know how ruthless OLD can be, so for the the OP's very first ever OLD meet, she needs to feel confident and not set herself up to be hurt. So maybe a full length pic would reassure her that the person still wants to meet her.

THisbackwithavengeance · 28/06/2020 18:13

If he was into slim women, he wouldn't have messaged you.

If you've got recent-ish photos up, it's not like he thinks you're a size 8 and you pitch up as a size 20!

Just meet him. I have plenty of friends who are big and have found partners and dates through OLD.

chatterbugmegastar · 28/06/2020 18:16

It's not unreasonable to provide him with recent full length photos - 1 or 2. You'll then not waste your time if he prefers ladies who are slimmer

In the past I've met 2 men (on separate occasions) who described themselves as large (which doesn't bother me at all) but without full length photos on OLD.

When we met they were huge, obese - well over 25 stone - so large that they had difficulty walking at a reasonable slow pace.

My own fault - I should have insisted on seeing full length photos before we met.

lachy · 28/06/2020 18:17

@Sooobooored

I had a guy ring me before a first date to ask how much I weigh as he didn’t ‘do fatties‘

Same here. My response was "ah, well I don't do dickheads. See ya!"

Spied · 28/06/2020 18:21

You need to put up a full length picture.

If he doesn't seem as interested in you afterwards then you'll know he just wasn't worth your time.
If you keep putting off meeting him he'll start to think you are just not interested in him and will likely loose interest.
If you meet him and haven't put a full length pic up then you'll be a bag if nerves meeting up and it really will ruin your date as you'll be completely preoccupied with how you look and you won't be able to relax and be yourself.

I also think there's s good chance he won't notice or care but really can't comment as I don't know your size but some people seem to think if they are a 14 they are huge. ( You may be one of these such people) Others may think a 14 is tiny - you get my drift.

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