Too self conscious about looks to meet up

[Gemi33]

Hi

I've been single for a very long time and after putting it off for a while I joined a dating app at the start of the year. I haven't really met anyone I'm particularly interested in but in the last couple of days I've started chatting to someone - he seems really nice. He has already mentioned us meeting up. This is the problem and partly why I was reluctant to try OD, I am very overweight and look horrible. I have been for a while and have tried unsuccessfully to lose weight for a while but now it's even worse because I have put weight on in lockdown so I'm even bigger. I'm not sure that my photos show how big I am and I'm really worried about meeting up with him and him running a mile and being really put off. I don't want to offend him though and say no...is anyone else in a similar position?

xx

I certainly don’t believe most men don’t care about weight. I believe most men are very judgemental when it comes to women’s weight and age and sometimes breast size , general attractiveness . There’s definitely a double standard where women are under much mire pressure . Women may like a taller man but I’ve met few women who have strict physical criteria One only had to look at the height threads to see how people especially men react if women express a preference for even one physical trait in a man . Many certainly don’t like being on the receiving end of these physical judgements but are happy to sit back and assess women by body part ....
as for the whole , women like security men like looks rubbish . In this day and age most women provide for themselves very well and are quickly accused of being gold diggers if they don’t . I’ve yet to see a online industry devoted to women drooling over millionaires and masterbating
that aside , what I do believe is that some men do like a larger woman and the RIGHT man for the OP won’t care . So at the end of the day ... the guys who have these criteria simply are not the guys she needs to be worrying about

I think at the end of the day it’s different strokes for different folks and IP look at yours size as a great way to weed out the guys who are not attracted . They can see your weight straight up , if they don’t like it , you havnt lost a thing , only a guy who wasn’t right for YOU

I have never met a guy in my 27 years on this planet who has ever mentioned size to me. OLD or IRL. I'm told I look like Ashley Graham the plus size model, her size and shape.

So they did mention size then, make your mind up

@overnightangel
No, friends and family told me I look like her. NOT men.

Wow, lots of replies, thanks! Although it looks like peoples experiences differ a lot so it's quite confusing. To answer a few questions, I'm about a size 18, I didn't put up any full length pics because I don't have any decent ones (I hate pictures of myself at the best of times). BBW wasn't an option when I did my profile but I selected curvy which seemed the closest. Some men have specifically stated under their preferences that they are looking for someone slim but this guy hasn't completed any of those preferences so I don't know what he's looking for.

I hate looking like this and I'm so angry at myself for letting myself put on this much weight. I really want to lose weight but I'm struggling at the moment. I haven't met up with anyone from OLD and haven't really been very engaged with it so hoped I could lose some weight before it became an issue.

xx

I had a guy ring me before a first date to ask how much I weigh as he didn’t ‘do fatties‘
I'm slim and get men saying they "selected" me for that reason - presumably thinking that I will be delighted by the compliment. I think it's great when you can filter out the dickheads nice and early.

Gemi, he's seen your picture. If he still wants to meet and is then put off by your size, then he's clearly feeble minded, so no great loss. The real question you need to be asking here is whether he's good enough for you. Do you think he sounds like a decent enough bloke?

if he still wants to meet and is then put off by your size, then he's clearly feeble minded, so no great loss

Why is a man ‘feeble minded’ because he might prefer a smaller women? He’s only seen a face picture and face pictures can be deceiving.

Just because a bloke prefers a smaller women doesn’t make them feeble or twats or anything else you want to call them! I don’t like large men and if I seen a face picture only and then realised on the date that he was in fact a lot bigger then I thought then it doesn’t make me a dickhead.

Also, you'll get other chances with OLD if this one doesn't work out. But you've gone in "as you really are", not a version of you that's thinner than usual, and as it happens you've got a fish tugging on the line, without even really trying. Give it a go - if it doesn't work out then it's like 90% of dates :) but if it does, then you've hooked someone who likes you when you're not even feeling sexy - result!

Why is a man ‘feeble minded’ because he might prefer a smaller women? He’s only seen a face picture and face pictures can be deceiving.
I was using exaggeration for humour, but you can get a general idea of what someone looks like from a picture, yes. OP has described herself as curvy and put up a recent picture, so if he is put off by a curvy woman then he's clearly not looked or read her profile properly.

BTW- Not many 8/10 size women have a problem with size

Ah, trust me: we often do – especially in the cesspit that is OLD

Not in every case... I know a women who is beautiful, she has a slim face and you would presume she was a 12 at most from all the face pictures she puts up on her social media but when you actually see her she is at least a size 20! If not bigger.

OP would be better just putting up a full length picture and that way it could stop her feeling like crap if they meet and he doesn’t seem keen because he didn’t realise.
I’m not saying the above to be horrible but to stop someone’s self esteem getting a battering.
I’m sure the OP looks great just as she is and if she’s happy then no one should give a fuck what another man or women thinks.

And for the OP, please don't worry. Go along and have a great time. There are many men that will love you – just as you are (Bridget Jones and all that)

I was on OLD a while back and had some old pictures up, showing me as a size 20. I was chatting to a guy who seemed to like me and it struck to me that I get some more recent pics up there (it just hadn't occurred to me, to be honest). So I told him that I was six stones lighter, attached my recent pics and ..... he – quite nicely, to be fair –, said that he preferred the 'before' me. Well, I didn't so that was the end of that

Pick an outfit, head off and knock him dead

OP you're not a product and he is not a customer. If he is put off by your size he is not for you. I personally would send a message saying you're worried you are fatter than he thinks you are. If he asks for a full length photo it's a no goer. If he says he doesn't care, meet him.

Hey! Just go and meet him. Expect the worst and see what happens. You never know unless you try x

@ravenmum, why is someone a dickhead for preferring slim people?

there is a difference between being honest & being ashamed

you have nothing to be ashamed of but you should be honest

that way you can see what type of person he really is and whether you need to be wasting your time

I think you should have a full length pic on your profile. But then I guess most guys will also know if it’s only face pics then you must be overweight .
There has to be physical attraction and weight is part of that . After all you don’t shag someone’s intelligence !

On the flip side , I have a fuller face but v slim. I've had a date say ' didn't realise you were this thin, id have nothing to hold on to '
I found it rude and didn't want to see him again .
Had guys directly say please can I have a full length photo quite a few times so they must care.

To the poster who didn’t know men were bothered about weight but who actually looks like Ashley Graham, tbf most overweight women do not look like a top model (or any weight woman for that matter.)

@DrMorbius You misunderstand. They are a dickhead for telling me that they "chose" me for my body shape. a) OLD is not a sweet shop where they can pick the woman they want and get her, and b) "What I like best about you is the lack of fat on your body" is not a compliment.

Ok so if you said curvy on your profile, then I think it won't be a shock to him that you're not thin. Size 18 isn't that big really, decent supportive underwear and a flattering outfit will do wonders. Don't worry. I've been every size from 8-18! Men all have different preferences, same as women. Personally I really don't find skinny or thin men attractive...I'd much rather a man was overweight than underweight.

Fidgety31 have you never fancied someone's intelligence? That's a whole level of attraction you've missed out on! If shagging really is exclusively about physical appearance for you I feel a bit sorry for you.

So far I've always been mildly embarrassed for the men who have said they "chose" me because I am slim - thinking that if they don't get why that is not a compliment, then they are not going to have much luck on the dating scene. I was clearly wrong...

ThePlansitter - @Fidgety31 never said she only shagged people exclusively on looks, she just said it’s a large part of attraction. Which it is.
No need to be a twat with your ‘feel sorry for you comment’

@BluebellForest836

ThePlansitter - *@Fidgety31 never said she only shagged people exclusively* on looks, she just said it’s a large part of attraction. Which it is. No need to be a twat with your ‘feel sorry for you comment’

No, s/he explicitly said 'you don't shag someone's intelligence'. So perhaps you should read properly before calling me a twat.