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Original poster

Too self conscious about looks to meet up

110 replies

Gemi33 · 28/06/2020 16:01

Hi

I've been single for a very long time and after putting it off for a while I joined a dating app at the start of the year. I haven't really met anyone I'm particularly interested in but in the last couple of days I've started chatting to someone - he seems really nice. He has already mentioned us meeting up. This is the problem and partly why I was reluctant to try OD, I am very overweight and look horrible. I have been for a while and have tried unsuccessfully to lose weight for a while but now it's even worse because I have put weight on in lockdown so I'm even bigger. I'm not sure that my photos show how big I am and I'm really worried about meeting up with him and him running a mile and being really put off. I don't want to offend him though and say no...is anyone else in a similar position?

xx

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 28/06/2020 18:32

@Summertime87 Most men don't care about size
That's the worst advice I have ever heard.

Opp you said you are a BBW and size 22, anyone responding to your profile understands your size.

itsureis · 28/06/2020 18:37

@DrMorbius The OP hasn't mentioned her size that was another poster.

I think you need to add a full length photo of yourself on your profile or at least send one to your potential date.

Good luck xx

BluebellForest836 · 28/06/2020 19:17

Most men don't care about size

Yes they do! ALOT of men care about size and if you don’t have a full length picture then he may be in for a massive shock when you see him.

Just out a full length picture up. You are who you are and you shouldn’t have to change for anyone if you are happy with your size but don’t waste his and your time.

Fairycake2 · 28/06/2020 19:19

@lachy I love that response and will definitely use it in future if needed 😆

Summertime87 · 28/06/2020 19:21

Dr, I feel as though I've been living in fairy land, surely I can't be the only one who thinks men doesn't care about size?! I'm really surprised at this thread, I've never experienced anything negative about my size from men. I suppose it might be my confidence? My mum also told me that men don't care either and she's a size 8/10. Just interesting to hear these comments, I'm glad I never heard anything like this while I was dating, it would have made me really insecure! Some of the PP have met some right shallow men I feel.

DrMorbius · 28/06/2020 19:30

@Summertime87, just a FYI - I'm a man with a large social circle of male friends.

BTW- Not many 8/10 size women have a problem with size. Blush

inmyshedsmoking2000 · 28/06/2020 19:31

Cat fish territory. Why do it? If you're fat you're fat. Some guys love that. Be honest up front on your profile and pics. Otherwise you really are wasting your own time as well as others.

BluebellForest836 · 28/06/2020 19:44

@Summertime87 - some men like bigger women and in some face pictures you can tell a women is bigger so you don’t need to mention it. As long as your happy in your size it doesn’t matter anyway!

Summertime87 · 28/06/2020 19:46

Well you learn something new everyday! I've gone my whole life (I'm 27) thinking men didn't really care about size lol

But anyway I hope it works out for you OP!

PumpkinP · 28/06/2020 19:49

I would say that men care about size way more than women do!

lonelySam · 28/06/2020 20:06

The ones who are looking for love and not a shag will not care about the size. The ones looking for a shag will not be that picky. The ones who care about the size are the ones to avoid. Chemistry is not aboit the looks.

itsureis · 28/06/2020 21:37

OP - if you're weight atm bothers you m, and you don't mention it before to him then you'll be on edge throughout the date and maybe expecting him to say something, but he probably won't. I know I would be anyway ...
Why give yourself this unnecessary stress and worry ??
I have insecurities about my body and it's refreshing to be able to share these with a partner, even if they don't agree ;-)

If you're worried about what he'll think of you and you're just meeting for a walk/ drink - how will you feel if things get a little serious and you invite him into your bedroom bubble ???

You might be worrying about nothing so just speak to him. Some people have "types" / some people don't .... but it's your personality that should count over your looks - all depends what you're looking for from this x

GilbertMarkham · 28/06/2020 21:43

I had a guy ring me before a first date to ask how much I weigh as he didn’t ‘do fatties‘ confused.

You should have said you needed to ask him his dick length and girth first, cause his question didnt matter if he didn't meet your requirements.

Minikievs · 28/06/2020 21:45

From my experience of OLD, men do care about size. One man said he would only message/meet someone if they had a full length pic in their profile. Which does makes sense to me, as headshots can be deceiving.
In all honesty, if I met a man and he was significantly bigger than I expected, it would put me off. It's just personal preference.
Having said that, it depends how you've described yourself. If you've said curvy etc then most people would be expecting to meet someone bigger.

fuckoffImcounting · 28/06/2020 21:47

Lots of men are very happy with a not so skinny woman. Many absolutely love a bigger lover. Meet up, If they don't like you they can fuck right off and leave you free to meet many other guys. Please don't be shy about this. Honestly, you hold all the fucking cards.

PumpkinP · 28/06/2020 22:28

From my experience of OLD, men do care about size. One man said he would only message/meet someone if they had a full length pic in their profile. Which does makes sense to me, as headshots can be deceiving.

My sister had a guy say the same when old, he said to her it was refreshing to see a slim woman with a full length pic because too many over weight woman hide it by only putting up face pics. I think a lot of men have probably had that experience of meeting someone who was much bigger than they expected.

DDIJ · 28/06/2020 22:30

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

MilerVino · 28/06/2020 22:47

Most men don't care about size.

IME (and I've got 20 years on you) they often do. They'll have preferences for various physical characteristics and some will prefer slimmer, some larger. OP you just need to be honest with them about your size.

Lolalovesroses · 28/06/2020 23:23

It's a difficult one this. I'd love to tell you to be confident and go out and enjoy yourself and not mention your weight, but I think it would be unfair on your date. To me, it's the same as using photographs from 10 years ago or filters. I think a full length photograph that clearly shows you are a larger lady is important. He may love your look, he may not, but at least you haven't been deceitful.

Roughtseas · 28/06/2020 23:41

PumpkinP in every one of your replies you’ve referred to how she shouldn’t deceive him and how men would be treated differently ( IMO women are judged far more harshly than men on weight and the research shows that they face harsher discrimination in both dating and the workplace for being overweight )
However , is it really necessary for you to repeat over and over. It sounds very very clear from what’s she’s written that she had zero intention of trying to deceive anyone and besides how would he be deceived when he ultimately saw her. I do agree however that posting full length pics saves them both time.
Honestly the number of times women feel deceived when they meet men who turn out to shallow assholes is a joke. It seems I read about it here daily , I hear about it from colleagues and friends who are dating daily . Strangely I know many male eaters who don’t seem to face the same scrutiny on weight and age related appearance is looking older etc I’m not talking about men who won’t date someone very heavy but men who SEE accurate full body pictures , Face pictures date the women , attempt to sleep with them and then ditch the women because someone more ‘ conventionally thinner attractive or younger comes along . Many men can be the ultimate in shallow when it comes to looks .
In truth It’s sounding like as a woman who’s lost weight you hold a little contempt for larger women and maybe Just maybe this relates to some undealt with hostility towards your old self ? Either way , to me it’s sounding quite hostile towards larger women who without doubt can be AS beautiful as an slim woman.

Roughtseas · 28/06/2020 23:43

And OP just know that the man who is right for YOU won’t care about your size and will find you beautiful . Any other mans opinion isn’t really important for you to worry about when dating Keep remembering that x

PumpkinP · 28/06/2020 23:51

😂 funny but I’m still overweight! But I’ve been all sizes and definitely notice more attention when slimmer, when I was at my biggest I was invisible to men but since losing weight I’ve started getting male attention again, not as much as when I’m slim but certainly the more I’ve lost the more visible I’m becoming. But to say men don’t care about size is just not true, just seems a lot of double standards on here, like I said women post all the time saying this has happened to them and get told how awful the man is for not being upfront but when it’s a woman they get told it’s perfectly fine and doesn’t matter.

IMO women are judged far more harshly than men on weight and the research shows that they face harsher discrimination in both dating and the workplace for being overweight
see IF it was true that men don’t care about weight then this wouldn’t be true, but this is true because men (people!) DO care about weight.

overnightangel · 28/06/2020 23:54

Most men don't care about size.

I don’t know if you’re just trying to be nice but this is bollocks and doesn’t help anyone

aufaitaccompli · 28/06/2020 23:54

Hi OP
I'm large. It influences my OLD choices, my confidence in subsequent interactions and in getting to bed (if it gets that far) I second guess problems that may or may not arise, assume they're idiots for liking me, etc. What I'm trying to say is that it's me with the issue. Guys may well think I'm attractive but I don't.

If you're pretty confident in yourself I'd say fire away and put up a full length shot. I'm not confident so have decided to stop trying to date until I can accept myself more. In my case I'll be losing a fair bit of weight before I go in again.

I hope it will give me more confidence and level the playing field somewhat.

We do deserve to love ourselves. I don't, and while it saddens me, I also see it as the thing in my life which needs proper attention and dedication. That's my experience, for what it's worth.

Good luck and remember your worth Flowers

Summertime87 · 29/06/2020 00:18

@overnightangel
I'm not trying to be nice at all - I'm literally going on my experience. I have never met a guy in my 27 years on this planet who has ever mentioned size to me. OLD or IRL. I'm told I look like Ashley Graham the plus size model, her size and shape. Even when I plummeted down to size 8 with bones sticking out of my chest, I STILL got the attention and NO mention of size at all. I honestly didn't think size mattered to men! OP please don't think I am just trying to 'Be nice' I am not that mean.

I can't be the only one that's had this experience?