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Original poster

Too self conscious about looks to meet up

110 replies

Gemi33 · 28/06/2020 16:01

Hi

I've been single for a very long time and after putting it off for a while I joined a dating app at the start of the year. I haven't really met anyone I'm particularly interested in but in the last couple of days I've started chatting to someone - he seems really nice. He has already mentioned us meeting up. This is the problem and partly why I was reluctant to try OD, I am very overweight and look horrible. I have been for a while and have tried unsuccessfully to lose weight for a while but now it's even worse because I have put weight on in lockdown so I'm even bigger. I'm not sure that my photos show how big I am and I'm really worried about meeting up with him and him running a mile and being really put off. I don't want to offend him though and say no...is anyone else in a similar position?

xx

OP posts:
BluebellForest836 · 29/06/2020 10:25

Well you don’t shag someone’s intelligence do you Hmm
You shag them for a range of things, not exclusively for their intelligence like she said.

ThePlantsitter · 29/06/2020 10:28

S/he said 'there has to be physical attraction'. If you can't be physically aroused by someone's brain you're missing out. That's all I'm saying. I don't know why you've got defensive on his/her account.

NopeNotToday5 · 29/06/2020 10:33

Just say to him you would love to meet him but you are alittle nervous because of your weight gain and mention you are a size 18 then you will know if he's worth your time or not.
When I did OLD I always mentioned my clothing size and height on my profile so they had more than just a picture.

ChinWhiskers · 29/06/2020 10:33

Guys most definitely care about body size and shape even more so than face, particularly on online platforms its the body! As most want something casual or will judge you quicklynjust on looks wether you're sporty, into netflix n chill..etc (and i get it, its online).
That is not to say that all men want slim or athletic or curves in the right places only. No, but they do want to see an accurate body pic.. the equivalent is men lying about their hieght.
Some angles make me look thin, i know not to use them as it will look like im catfishing.

Either be brave and do a video call or send full body photo and not from height or call it a day, just end it.

Fidgety31 · 29/06/2020 10:35

Wow ! No I couldn’t be physically aroused by someones brain ! I could find someone very intellectually stimulating but if they were fat I wouldn’t want to shag them or have their brain in my vag !
That’s my personal choice in what I find attractive. Physical attributes account for a lot when you first meet someone. Not putting accurate photos online of how you look is deceiving.
There’s really no need to feel sorry for me !

MilerVino · 29/06/2020 10:37

Chemistry is not aboit the looks.

IME it's about a range of factors, including looks. I have to like someone to feel a long-lasting chemistry but I do have to find them physically attractive and I do have a type I prefer.

@Summertime87 whilst you may find you attract attention whatever size you are, is it the same men? Size matters to individuals, some prefer slimmer, some prefer larger women so overall yes you'll get attention whatever size you are, but it's a rare man who'll date anyone from a size 8 to a size 28 and not really care. Plus, if you look like a top model your weight will factor less with them anyway.

ThePlantsitter · 29/06/2020 10:37

Yes it's your personal choice who you fuck. Weight is not part of physical attractiveness for everyone though. So you can in effect shag someone's intelligence if you want.

nomorelove · 29/06/2020 10:38

This is getting silly now . You wouldn't just shag someone exclusively for their intelligence if you were not attracted to them physically , and hopefully you wouldn't want to shag someone exclusively for their looks if you disliked them as a person . I bet most people would agree on this . Personality and looks both have a part to play and I'm afraid most of us would not initiate a date with someone we found unattractive for whatever personal preference . Looks are always going to be the thing that catches your eye first - you can gauge person's physical attractiveness in seconds but getting to know someone on a deeper level takes longer .

eaglejulesk · 29/06/2020 10:47

OP you're not a product and he is not a customer. If he is put off by your size he is not for you. I personally would send a message saying you're worried you are fatter than he thinks you are. If he asks for a full length photo it's a no goer. If he says he doesn't care, meet him.

This is the most sensible advice. Shallow people who judge someone by their size alone can do one as far as I'm concerned.

formerbabe · 29/06/2020 10:49

I went on a date once with a really good looking guy, but was pretty obvious on the date that he was not the cleverest guy on the planet shall we say. Killed any attraction stone dead. Conversely I worked with a guy who was totally not my type physically but very funny and intelligent...it definitely made him more attractive than his looks did alone.

MilerVino · 29/06/2020 10:52

Shallow people who judge someone by their size alone can do one as far as I'm concerned.

If I'm looking for a friend or interviewing for a job I don't care what size someone is. If I'm looking for a boyfriend or just someone to have sex with then their size does matter. A man could be perfect for me in many ways but if he was hugely overweight I just would not find him attractive. If that makes me shallow, meh, so be it.

ChinWhiskers · 29/06/2020 11:01

I think it's disingenuous to say size doesn't matter in dating. I'm fat. I want someone to fancy me as I am not inspite of my size.

I also know that many men won't find my body attractive and that's fine. I, too, dpn't fancy all men body types either. 🤷🏼‍♀️

sangrias · 29/06/2020 11:09

Definitely have at least one recent full length photo. Even though you don't like full length pics. At least you will have more confidence to meet up because you'll have shown the truth.

Loads of men like heavier women, obviously.

eaglejulesk · 29/06/2020 11:10

If I'm looking for a boyfriend or just someone to have sex with then their size does matter.

Good for you - obviously you don't mind that you could be missing out on someone with a fabulous personality. It is your right to be shallow if you so wish, but be prepared to be judged yourself, some men don't like shallow women.

chatterbugmegastar · 29/06/2020 11:20

Shallow people who judge someone by their size alone can do one as far as I'm concerned.

Gosh that's really harsh. As I said in my PP , I didn't realise that the two guys were obese - and I mean 'difficulty walking at a normally slow pace' obese.

Did I judge them on that? Yes, I damn well did -

  1. They didn't tell me how huge they were , they described themselves as large which is not an issue but they were way bigger than large
  1. Why in gods name do I want to get involved with someone who is so big that their heart must struggle to beat
  1. I am allowed a choice. My preference IS for bigger men actually. I don't like ripped men and I don't like skinny men. Neither do I like men who are so fucking huge that they can't walk properly

So stop trying to make me feel bad for making a choice. If I'm shallow then so be it. Because I date who I want to date. I don't date someone to make them feel better about them self.

That's THEIR job

DrMorbius · 29/06/2020 11:26

Shallow people who judge someone by their size alone can do one as far as I'm concerned

That is comedy gold, right there.

Crystalspider · 29/06/2020 11:28

After all this you may not even like him! go for the experience and if it's all turns out well then it's a bonus.

If anyone ever mentions they don't like your size then there are a hurtful creep that don't deserve you anyway.

Even for slim people there is no guarantee that the date turns into anything more and can often take quite a few dates with different men to find one that clicks.

Singlemum31 · 29/06/2020 11:31

Ahhh I feel you, even tho I'm big I worry more how I look I'm not blessed with looks I'm below your normal looking person no matter how hard I try, sadly just not been lucky with looks. Aswell has being big 3 children I'm not much of a match for anyone.

Phoebesgift · 29/06/2020 11:38

I'd put full body photos up. Better to be honest than meet up with him and he makes you feel crap.

MilerVino · 29/06/2020 11:41

Good for you - obviously you don't mind that you could be missing out on someone with a fabulous personality. It is your right to be shallow if you so wish, but be prepared to be judged yourself, some men don't like shallow women.

Fortunately for me I have an amazing partner. Physically he's absolutely my type and I'm his. Of course we'll change as we age and I think we'll both deal with that as our relationship develops and we gather more shared history. He doesn't think me shallow. He knows a lot about what I've been through in life, he knows how kind and caring I am with his daughter, he shares many of my interests.

Did we judge each other partly on looks? Yes. It's how our basic biology works. And our looks reflect the fact that we both enjoy spending time exercising outdoors. Not long before I started dating him a friend of mine tried to set me up with her brother. He is morbidly obese. He is a lovely person and someone I'd be happy to be friends with. I'm not remotely attracted to him and don't want to have sex with him. Did I miss out? Well no. I'm allowed to have preferences. I didn't miss out on a relationship with someone with a fabulous personality - I chose not to date someone I didn't find attractive.

I'm sorry if you feel that people are slighting you because of your size @eaglejulesk but they are allowed preferences, as are you.

PasstheBucket89 · 29/06/2020 11:45

have you done any conversations on webcam or anything?? , i second full length pictures aswell.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 29/06/2020 12:30

The ones who are looking for love and not a shag will not care about the size. The ones looking for a shag will not be that picky. The ones who care about the size are the ones to avoid. Chemistry is not aboit the looks.

I think this is unfair. If you’re not attracted to a particular body type (big or small) then that’s fine, as long as you’re not a dick about it. I very much doubt that I would find a morbidly obese man attractive, I don’t think that makes me shallow. There are plenty of other things I don’t find attractive that aren’t related to weight!

I disagree with the poster who said that most men don’t care about size, but that doesn’t mean that all men like slim women! I think lots of men just have a preferred body type, I’m sure lots of women do too.

chatterbugmegastar · 29/06/2020 13:58

Even for slim people there is no guarantee that the date turns into anything more

This is absolutely true, of course

And I've been on the receiving end myself.

One guy asked me my dress size. I said 'well it depends where I buy my clothes from. It can range hugely but on average I'm a 12'

He said he will only date ladies who are a size 6-8.

So that was me told 😂

I assume that he'd been caught out (rather like I had with my obese dates) and was now trying to make sure that he didn't get caught out again - obviously without understanding how dress sizes vary from shop to shop!

But it's good to have boundaries if it's important to you, I think.

itsureis · 29/06/2020 14:17

Would now be a good time to mention that I don't care for bald men so avoid guys wearing hats in every picture.
Just saying .... 😬

chatterbugmegastar · 29/06/2020 14:21

@itsureis - and I prefer bald men Grin