Catch 22

[BudeBude]

Arggh so here goes. I've become increasingly unhappy with my marriage and one of the major issues is lack of sex. We are both only early thirties and its usually only an annual event. Raised it with her and she sees it as normal... for me its not. Being brutally honest, I don't think it was the most enjoyable - although as I have had very limited partners I have nothing to compare it against. I've become increasingly frustrated over the past three years as I want to start a family.. but I don't enjoy it and the pressure to conceive means I actually dread it...On the flip, she never really instigates either.

Clearly there are some fundamental issues in the relationship - I am trying to work out whether I work at it. I want better sex, but its a catch 22 situation.. how do I know if its better elsewhere when I have nothing to compare it with. The feeling of leaving because of this fills me with utter hate. I feel selfish, and a horrible person.

Does she want to start a family? With you?

She says she does, but since raising it 7 months ago we haven't DTD.

Sorry I just read it back and realized I wrote early.. I meant late 30s. (Clearly trying to make myself younger). I would say we have a year or two before its likely too late. Unless we think about IVF

Why would you tie yourself into a sexless partnership which doesn't make you happy by having a family together?

Lack of experience isn't really an issue hwre I would say. If it feels good it's good, if it doesn't it isn't mate. So the issue is it isn't good and it rarely happens. I'm 38, female, and the thought of only a couple of times a year would be fucking depressing. We're not at it like bunnies anymore, but an average of 8-10 times a month, some good, some average. You guys need help and sorry to say, but if she refuses to see that or do smth about it, I dont see agood future. You will grow resentful.

Assuming that you are male,OP, why would you be thinking of bringing children into the relationship, when it doesn't seem to be a healthy one.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/ivf/availability/#:~:text=IVF%20is%20only%20offered%20on,to%20pay%20for%20private%20treatment.

It doesn't sound as though she really wants children, or she would be trying to conceive.
Is it her way of avoiding having to think about it?

You obviously want to go and try out sex with other partners. The only moral way to do this is to end this relationship and move on. Do not go behind her back. And do not have children together unless you've thoroughly discussed it, are happy to live in this minimal sex marriage and are sure you won't end up having sex with other people, including prostitutes. No permission to go and test out sex with other people so you can decide what you want I'm afraid, sorry.

I think you need to separate and think about things. I couldn’t live the rest of my life without good sex and it’ll become none existent after having a baby if you only DTD once a year! I wouldn’t stay with a partner who I was not sexually matched with. You don’t have kids yet so I’d give it some serious thought before you do try. It’s nothing to feel guilty about!

I agree on the comments so far I guess. We stay together because we are married, comfortable life with a lovely house and relative wealth. I actually decided to see someone at Relate by myself as I was struggling. I guess the resent it probably already creeping in.. we've been bickering.

I've seen other threads on similar topics and one comment that resonated was a sexless marriage is fine, until for one of the parties its not fine. It fills me with utter guilt and loathing that I want a fulfilling sexlife and the solution is simply to have sex with my wife... but its something I haven't wanted to do for a while

Is that the crux of it? That you don't want sex with your wife anymore?

It is her, rather than sex, you don't want?

I really really suggest not having kids anytime soon, you will be even more tied up in basically sexless marriage( as you said anual event). And there can be good sexless marriages I guess, if both are ok with it. But you really arent, and that's ok. Either tou BOTH work at it, or move on.
As a side note, you said you didn't really like it. Can it be that she didn't either, hence why she avoids it? If that were the case, perhaps open communication about what each of you likes could work in the long run.

In the past clearly I have wanted to have sex with her.. but yes right now I don't. Because she never really instigates either, then I was able to bury the sadness away a bit.. but over the past year or so the thought of not having a family destroys me.

When you say it like that serenada, it just makes me feel horrific that I could feel this way and what a low life I am to feel that way to my wife.

@Bude

I just wanted to be clear I understood you correctly.

I actually think you are being hard on yourself and feeling guilty about how you are feeling may obscure a way out of this, for you both.

You want to be in a sexual relationship - just not with her? That is what your feelings are saying? I think you need to work from there and figure out how much effort you are honestly prepared to make to see if this can be resolved or if it you have already hit your limit.

You need to separate away from your guilt atm, to see other feelings clearly.

There is no judgement from me btw, I am just trying to understand correctly what you are saying.

Where is general intimacy in this? Hugs, kisses, cuddles? Any of that? confiding thoughts?

Serenada... I fully understand the comment and I'm not offended or anything.

I definitely want to be in a sexual relationship, and at the moment not with her. I think deep down when I got together I valued a lot of other things, such that I put sex low down on the list. I'm now starting to regret that decision I guess.

There was never a massive amount of intimacy - she told me that she doesn't like the fact that I'm not intimate. I'm not an overly touchy guy. I show my appreciation in other ways I guess - very active round the house, sort a lot of things out and keep the house operational. (Even without kids there is a lot to do).

At the risk of TMI, there is no deep emotional intimacy. When I ask her what she wants in bed she just said more foreplay. I struggle with getting across my deepest thoughts to her. Given the irregularity, I sort myself out otherwise I would go nuts.. but I would never dream of telling her. Likewise her with me...

There is an emotional issue as well I guess.. she is career driven, knows what she wants etc. She's not overly motherly (please don't hate me for saying this.. its just what I think) and I've become a bit scared at times of her. If things aren't as she wants them etc then she will lecture me. Ridiculous isn't it..

So it's mostly inertia and material things keeping you there, not love?

If she wants children, you'd be doing her more of a favour splitting up now while she still has time in her fertility window to find someone else, than otherwise.

As a bloke, you don't have the same time constraint, but it doesn't make sense to have children together if you don't love her any more. So make a decision that gives her a chance to make it happen with someone else if needs be, rather than frittering her fertility window away.

Inertia and material things yes, but there is love. I dont think I would be feeling deep guilt if I didnt love her because I do feel bad that for her she may have missed that chance to have a family... maybe the love is more familial rather than deep passionate love.

She tells me she loves me... but it upsets me because talk is easy and I wonder deep down if that what she truly feels. I've found it very hard in lockdown and there have been times when I have been in tears. I just get told to get on with it as everyone else in the country is in the same situation. She still, IMO puts work and her family first .. but then I am guilty of prioritisng other things as well

I think its your emotional connection/needs that aren't being met.

You describe her as not overly maternal - do you mean that she isn't gentle and in tune to your emotions in her tone of voice and manner?

Are you seeking comfort and care from her and not getting it and that has made me you fall out of love with her?

I do feel bad that for her she may have missed that chance to have a family

You are both early thirties. She does still have time to have children if she wants them. But not if you keep vacillating.

Go to relationship counselling or something, decide what you want, whether splitting or going all in together, but don't dither.

I would say that's a fair comment and something that the Relate counselor mentioned. I think you are spot on and something that I have come to realise during lockdown. She can be quite critical of things and other people sometimes.

I am seeking comfort and care defo - she has admitted once before that she has anger issues but it can be quite sporadic. I've tried to talk to her recently and I said upfront that I wasn't happy and I hadn't really enjoyed the sex. She got angry and I did notice the next day that she had been googling dealing with anger etc.

I think I am at the stage where I realise that its not about the sex, its about the comfort and care side and I just dont know what to do. I dont think maybe I'm in tune with her emotional feelings ... I am more of a practical person. But I am trying to change and work on that. I try to remain calm in arguments and be more honest with how I feel. I always take the time to apologise when Ive done something wrong. Its funny because there are times when I get accused of doing something in the house etc, which turns out to be a false accusation and I flat out say "can you please apologise" and its always met with "never".

It sounds as though you are taking the blame for some of her anger, though?

Is there something that happened that could be the cause of her anger or is it her personality?

I think you are looking for kindness from her and not finding it.

Or rather, I don't think you feel loved by her.

And, btw, OP I am no expert here - I am always single. Just something in your post struck me as genuine and honest and easy to read.

Serenada - you should be a professional if you're not already. Definitely - I have started to see occasions where I am crave her just to comfort me and say it will be ok. When I have tried to have heart to hearts with her about 'us' she has said that 'I don't have to be perfect all the time', 'its ok to fail' and 'things will be ok, and that ok can mean different things'. Maybe that's her way of showing love... but it doesn't feel like I am being loved.

RE anger - I would say maybe a bit of both. One of her parents was very ill for a long time and the other sibling already had a family so didnt provide support. She carried the brunt ... and was away alot of the time. For a few years I felt like I was single.. I felt a bit disgruntled that I would do everything around the house. I would never dream of telling her this. She has made it very clear that she has no regrets about spending that time with her parent who sadly passed away. It affected her work and she took extended leave on numerous occasions even a year after.