Fairly sure my boyfriend blew me out to watch football rather than fronting up to me-- how to handle?

[allsystemsdown]

Not a huge one in the scheme of things but need to tackle this without escalating it and not very good at this sort of thing.

I'm 90% sure that my boyfriend lied to me in order to stay at home last night and watch a football match. He was meant to be coming over to mine and then started sending me messages in the afternoon about feeling sick etc. I said fine, no problem, go to bed and message me in the morning. It dawned on me after I spoke to him that his team was playing (and, it turns out, did very well). He's since messaged me saying he's feeling much better and I haven't responded.

I wouldn't have been massively thrilled about spending the whole evening watching football but would have tolerated it without complaint or, more likely, suggested we reschedule. I don't see why it was necessary to lie and turn it into an elaborate story about his health.

We've been together nearly two years, don't live together (I have a daughter) but in general I'm really happy with him, he's respectful and loving and this is the first time he's put a foot wrong. I've only seen him twice since lockdown and its been lovely. No reason to think he's cooled or that anything is off.

I am just really pissed off about the fact that I've almost certainly been lied to and particularly about something as trivial as this, and what it says about our communication levels. I also think its fairly poor taste in the middle of a pandemic to make me worried about his health and ring COVID alarm bells. I am a LP with a daughter and I've been very clear that I won't tolerate being dicked about or lied to.

He's generally been incredibly respectful on this front generally and I don't want to escalate it unnecessarily or say anything bitter or rancorous. I also can't prove that this was why he blew me out and don't want to look paranoid, but I think the probability is extremely high that that's what happened. I need to nip it in the bud.

How would you phrase the response message?

Firstly are you sure he wasn't ill?

Secondly, if he did lie are you sure it's not because you would've given him a hard time?

Thirdly, it's not the end of the world

He sounds scared of you.

UnfinishedSymphon

Like I say, I can't prove it. But I think its highly likely.

If he had called me to say "sorry but X are playing tonight, do you mind if we do it another time", I would genuinely have been absolutely sweet as a nut. I am more than happy for him to watch football. I would have watched the match if required to as well.

No its not the end of the world, and I suspect he did it in order not to hurt me - I'm fairly certain the is no more sinister motive -- but I don't like being lied to and I think if someone can lie about something as trivial as this they can lie about important things. I feel I need to put some sort of marker down about this.

missrks I don't think he's scared of me... I'm pretty chilled about this sort of thing. I've never raised any objections whatsoever about him watching football, in my house or elsewhere. I've been to football matches with him.

I'm not controlling and I'm pretty laid back about arrangements etc. I can count on one hand the rows we've had in the time we've been together and none of them has been serious.

I don't think it matters whether he lied or not. You believe he did, which means you don't trust him, despite him being "respectful and loving" and never putting a foot wrong.

So I thin you need to ask yourself why you jumped to the conclusion that he was lying rather than assuming (for example) that he felt sick because he'd been out in the sun too much that day.

Does no-one else here think that telling lies to the person you're dating is not great and needs to be called out?

Well I wouldn’t message. Wait till you see him and just ask but not in an aggressive way. All couples have to work through similar versions of this at some point. For most people they move on when they agree to be honest with each other and to accept that they cant and shouldn’t be their oH’s number one priority or preference all of the time.

RedskyAtnight I don't know, its a good question. I do think he lied, but I can't prove it. And I suspect he lied because he couldn't face telling me he'd rather watch a football match than come over to mine, when he knew I was cooking etc and it blew up in his head and he suddenly couldn't deal with having a grown up conversation about it. I can't be sure, but I don't think there's any nefarious intent here, I think he was just a bit weak and thought I'd be upset (which I wouldn't). He has never given me the slightest reason not to trust him.

But obviously I can't prove any of this.

LemonTT that sound like a plan.

I was tempted to send a gently piss-taking message saying something like 'strange coincidence about the football' or something equivalent. But maybe I'll just leave it.

I have to admit that I’m pretty sure most people I know and love have lied to me about something and will do again. It’s human. I know when to forgive and when to not forgive.

If your relationship is strong just call it out. What are you going to do if he says yes, he preferred watching the arsenal match?

I don't understand why you are so sure he lied to you if he's respectful and never puts a foot wrong? Why would you think he's had a sudden personality transplant? Presumably if you 'confront' him nothing short of him 'confessing' would appease you so he's screwed if he actually was ill isn't he?

The term 'call out' is aggressive. I don't believe you'd be sweet as a nut if he told you he wasn't coming round as he wanted to watch the football either. Maybe he didn't want to watch the match with someone that would sit through it begrudgingly, that isn't fun or exciting.

People lie about this sort of thing when they're apprehensive about how their partner will perceive it. While they shouldn't lie, they equally shouldnt feel like they have to for a less stressful life. Maybe just give it the benefit of the doubt and if it happens again ask him then.

Here's what I would do. I wouldn't get all confrontational and try to make him confess to this one lie - it's simply not worth the hassle. But I agree you need to nip it in the bud for another occasion.

So I'd say "Just thinking about last night and realised that your illness coincided very conveniently with X match against X! Look, you should have just asked to postpone our evening. I wouldn't have been offended. Please can you be honest about it next time?"

I feel like you’re making too much of it. He may have lied but as you say yourself, it would only been to spare your feelings. I’d let it go and move on, as it sounds like the relationship is otherwise good.

If it starts to become a pattern, then that’s different.

foamrolling like I say, I can't be 100% sure. But I know he is very absorbed in the football and would have wanted to watch it. Normally he would watch matches at his. Because PL football has been off for months he hasn't been able to watch it as much so I suspect he forgot about it. By the time he realised it was on, I had said I was cooking etc. My theory is that he just thought 'shit, I'll really piss her off if I blow her out for a football match' so he played out this routine about having been ill.

It's not so much about having a sudden personality transplant, I think its a combination of having not been able to either see me or the football for nearly three months, having suddenly got both back and having to get back into the rhythm. And he's a bit of a people pleaser and not particularly good at having direct conversations about stuff like this.

I am not looking for a confession; if, as I suspect, he was telling me a porkie pie I would expect him to try to walk the line on it as long as he could and its not a huge thing. I just want to show him I know he's lying and that I'd appreciate it if he didn't do it in future. Particularly about something as trivial and fixable as this.

Ruling out any man with the remotest interest in football has always been key to the success and happiness of my relationships.

Viragoesque I think that's a bit harsh. I've got no problem with football. I just don't like lying.

But you don't 'know' he's he's lying do you? If it keeps happening then it goes beyond a coincidence but you have no grounds to doubt him right now.

Crikey no wonder he lied. You're making a massive deal out of nothing. Ask him / don't ask him. I think you've got bigger issues if you've been bumped for footie this soon out of lockdown!

So you have decided that he has lied to you based on... nothing. He has said nothing, done nothing out of his usual behaviour.

Imagine he was posting on here "My partner says she "knows" I lied about being ill yesterday. She's saying it's obvious that I'm lying because why would I be ill on COINCIDENTALLY the same day something was on TV that I'd been looking forward to. She even says that me texting throughout the day saying that I was feeling really poorly, then me letting her know I was feeling better, was to "lay the ground" for me lying about it. She expects me to apologize to her." He'd be told to run for the fucking hills.

You don’t know he is lying. Your brain is telling you that but you don’t know for sure. I’m not sure why this has riled you so much.

foamrolling I'm pretty damn sure he's lying. White lying, but lying nonetheless.

Think I'm going to do what Angelonia suggests. Gentle, piss-taking call out.

I would leave it if it’s a one-off. If you really wanted to broach it you could say, did you manage to watch the football last night? And take it from there depending on what he says.

I would play it joking and low key. Be extra loving and concerned about his health (tbh, at this stage my OH would be immediately suspicious and ask what I think he had done 😜). Then, when he regales you with his fighting recovery, just say “It’s amazing what an Arsenal win can do for a man”.

If I was being being especially mischievous I would read the match review and then ask him about a controversial refereeing decision as a general point of discussion. Again my OH is wise to these tricks and would probably swerve it. But he knows I know.

Man u????! I would feel the same, I hate being lied to and have thought my partner may have done similar before, BUT I then gave myself a really good talking to and thought actually, we all tell white lies, it's not a massive deal, and at the end of the day you'll never know for sure. I personally would leave it and just be a bit hurt underneath! If he's generally honest I'd let this one go