Fairly sure my boyfriend blew me out to watch football rather than fronting up to me-- how to handle?

[allsystemsdown]

Not a huge one in the scheme of things but need to tackle this without escalating it and not very good at this sort of thing.

I'm 90% sure that my boyfriend lied to me in order to stay at home last night and watch a football match. He was meant to be coming over to mine and then started sending me messages in the afternoon about feeling sick etc. I said fine, no problem, go to bed and message me in the morning. It dawned on me after I spoke to him that his team was playing (and, it turns out, did very well). He's since messaged me saying he's feeling much better and I haven't responded.

I wouldn't have been massively thrilled about spending the whole evening watching football but would have tolerated it without complaint or, more likely, suggested we reschedule. I don't see why it was necessary to lie and turn it into an elaborate story about his health.

We've been together nearly two years, don't live together (I have a daughter) but in general I'm really happy with him, he's respectful and loving and this is the first time he's put a foot wrong. I've only seen him twice since lockdown and its been lovely. No reason to think he's cooled or that anything is off.

I am just really pissed off about the fact that I've almost certainly been lied to and particularly about something as trivial as this, and what it says about our communication levels. I also think its fairly poor taste in the middle of a pandemic to make me worried about his health and ring COVID alarm bells. I am a LP with a daughter and I've been very clear that I won't tolerate being dicked about or lied to.

He's generally been incredibly respectful on this front generally and I don't want to escalate it unnecessarily or say anything bitter or rancorous. I also can't prove that this was why he blew me out and don't want to look paranoid, but I think the probability is extremely high that that's what happened. I need to nip it in the bud.

How would you phrase the response message?

Maybe you need to take more of an interest in his hobby so this mistake doesn’t happen again.

Yes - be a better girlfriend Op - how dare you not know when the matches for his team are?!?!

Or if you don’t want to be a wife from the 1950s.......

One thing that is very important in a relationship is the ability to talk about difficult subjects. (I know this as me and my husband are both a bit rubbish at it!) He has shown he didn’t do this. That doesn’t mean you can’t.

“Fred - question - were you genuinely ill last night or did you just want to watch the football?”

No wondering. No hinting. Just ask him.

You suspect that he lied, you don’t know that he did. I get that you are upset but there’s a huge mismatch in how you describe yourself and your behaviour. Your choice of language is very combative and you I don’t believe for one second that your bf believes you’re as chill as you say you are. Oh and for someone who doesn’t like lies I don not understand the logic behind “teaching him a lesson” without actually articulating the lesson being taught.

If you expect 100 % transparency then you should also be transparent in return.

I think you are blissfully unaware as to how passive aggressive and downright aggressive you come across. There’s assertiveness and then there’s your behaviour and they aren’t closely related.

This. So much this.

Ruling out any man with the remotest interest in football has always been key to the success and happiness of my relationships

I must confess that when I saw in DP’s dating profile that he wasn’t interested in football it ticked a big box for me too! Can’t think of anything more tedious than having to try and show an interest and listen to someone bang on about it.

OP I understand why this is difficult. It’s a trivial thing in itself but it falls under the banner of “it he’ll lie about this, what else will he lie about” and it makes you feel like his mum, when he has to try and tell porkies so he doesn’t get into trouble. In the words of Transactional Analysis, he’s put you into the position of ‘critical parent’ by behaving like an errant child and expecting to get told off, which is not sexy!

With all due respect it was only coming round to see you midweek for a dinner you were already cooking not like he has stood you up or it was a special occasion

I would say that the fact they’ve only seen each other twice since lockdown, this WAS special to OP.

If my DP decides that instead of seeing me he’d rather sit at home watching sport, I’d move on tbh. He knew when the match was and should have planned better so that he could see you this week AND watch it.

So when is he saying he will be over now?
As the being to ill to visit for a second time in 2 months, would be a red flag if he wasn't begging to come over as soon as he was well.

I didn't read the entire thread but I agree with you. If someone can lie about small things they can lie about big things. Personally I think you should never lie to each other. My DP lied about something trivial like ordering the new lawn mower (when he hadn't yet as he hadn't the funds and was embarrassed). I really firmly told him to never ever lie to me again and that it's fine just say in future nah I'll do it later.

I think men do fear our reactions regardless of how chill we are (or think we express ourselves to be), and they can also worry about hurting us.

It's taken a few years of constant reminding, and DP hiding the fact he'd taken up smoking again, which resulted in a huge fight (me doing the fighting lol) and since then he never lies. He straight to my face tells me 'it's none your business', 'I don't want to tell you', etc if it's something private or he doesn't want to share. I'd much rather that than him lying. I also told him not to hide stuff like smoking (scared he'd disappointed me) because then I'd always fear he could cheat.

After a mammoth essay, I agree OP. I hope things worked out and you managed to sort it without accusations etc

Oh and there's no such thing as black and white lies. A lie is a lie!

Ruling out any man with the remotest interest in football has always been key to the success and happiness of my relationships.

This with bells on!!!

He obviously didn't feel comfortable telling you he wanted to watch the footie and felt the need to come up with an excuse. That says more about you than does about him.

@Sunshineeeee

Watch your halo doesn't slip dear.

You sound very full on and aggressive - maybe he felt he couldn't tell you. If he did lie about this I don't think it is the end of the world.

I'd let it go - but then I wouldn't be giving it all so much head space

Personally I would have more of an issue with my partner posting on the internet about me than telling a white lie to watch the football because he knew you would get the hump.

I can't stand liars, but in an imperfect world, I recognise that very few people are willing to not 'white lie' - and that for the majority of people it is expected.

So I'd go with that when I next saw him. I'd ask 'did you say you were ill because you wanted to watch the football and spare my feelings?' Even if he said, 'no, of course not!', I'd then follow up with, 'oh, because I know that lots of people make excuses to not go to events and so on, but I would truly rather be told the truth. I really don't like any sort of lying, even white lies. And I know that is very unusual, but I don't lie, and I don't want to be lied to'. Of course, you can only say this if you do not tell lies.

To do otherwise is to in effect be lying yourself, so don't gameplay, OP. Don't pretend to be jokey when you aren't feeling jokey. No passive-aggressive texts (the text you originally suggested sounded very passive aggressive). The honest truth about how you feel and what you prefer in a partner.

He is, of course, free to decide he cannot commit to this (few people can commit to never lying again).

At the 2 year point though, it is strange he doesn't already know you feel like this?

@whenitalkaboutsexnobodylistens it's been superglued. Should stay put.

You say this is the first time he's put a foot wrong?? Is he on probation? A lot of your first message (haven't read the whole thread) uses language which suggests an uneven playing field in this relationship - excuse the pun - you'd 'tolerate it' tells me exactly why he lied (if he did) as most people who tolerate things make sure the other person knows they are merely tolerating it, you sound like hard work

YANBU. I wouldn't care if he wanted to stay home and watch the football... I would care that he lied to me. Trust is important to me in a relationship.

Why did he feel he needed to lie to you rather than just say he was going to watch TV tonight?