Fairly sure my boyfriend blew me out to watch football rather than fronting up to me-- how to handle?

[allsystemsdown]

Not a huge one in the scheme of things but need to tackle this without escalating it and not very good at this sort of thing.

I'm 90% sure that my boyfriend lied to me in order to stay at home last night and watch a football match. He was meant to be coming over to mine and then started sending me messages in the afternoon about feeling sick etc. I said fine, no problem, go to bed and message me in the morning. It dawned on me after I spoke to him that his team was playing (and, it turns out, did very well). He's since messaged me saying he's feeling much better and I haven't responded.

I wouldn't have been massively thrilled about spending the whole evening watching football but would have tolerated it without complaint or, more likely, suggested we reschedule. I don't see why it was necessary to lie and turn it into an elaborate story about his health.

We've been together nearly two years, don't live together (I have a daughter) but in general I'm really happy with him, he's respectful and loving and this is the first time he's put a foot wrong. I've only seen him twice since lockdown and its been lovely. No reason to think he's cooled or that anything is off.

I am just really pissed off about the fact that I've almost certainly been lied to and particularly about something as trivial as this, and what it says about our communication levels. I also think its fairly poor taste in the middle of a pandemic to make me worried about his health and ring COVID alarm bells. I am a LP with a daughter and I've been very clear that I won't tolerate being dicked about or lied to.

He's generally been incredibly respectful on this front generally and I don't want to escalate it unnecessarily or say anything bitter or rancorous. I also can't prove that this was why he blew me out and don't want to look paranoid, but I think the probability is extremely high that that's what happened. I need to nip it in the bud.

How would you phrase the response message?

If he is lying... That would really bother me too OP. As you say it's not about the football, it's the principle that he would lie to you.

But if you go down the gentle piss taking route... and he was ill, he'll be rightly majorly pissed off that you jumped to the 'he's lying to me'

I dunno, have you never claimed to be ill to get out of something before? It’s a lie but a white lie really.

Is he a Liverpool fan? If so we have to cut them a bit of slack at the moment, they’ve been waiting a long time for this 🙈

And it’ll all be over soon 😊

@LemonTT

I would play it joking and low key. Be extra loving and concerned about his health (tbh, at this stage my OH would be immediately suspicious and ask what I think he had done 😜). Then, when he regales you with his fighting recovery, just say “It’s amazing what an Arsenal win can do for a man”.

If I was being being especially mischievous I would read the match review and then ask him about a controversial refereeing decision as a general point of discussion. Again my OH is wise to these tricks and would probably swerve it. But he knows I know.

But if he's a football fan anyway, he would have read match reports and possibly seen clips of any contentious decisions without having watched the match...

I didn't watch the match last night but I've seen Trent Alexander Arnold's free kick and Fabhino's awesome drive online - so if I was quizzed about those I'd be able to answer pretty well

CoronaIsComing I have, yes, but not to a partner.

I don't know why its riled me so much tbh.

booboo24 I'm not very good at just being hurt and letting things go. I think if you're hurt in a relationship the trust has gone. No point being with someone who hurts you. Might just have to duck him for a few days/weeks.

Poppyismyfavourite that's exactly how I feel. It's not a relationship-ending lie, but its a lie and there shouldn't be a place for these in a happy relationship.

Fabinho dammit

You sound hard work.

user1493494961 sorry, yes, my bad. Much better to be a doormat. Lesson learned.

No point questioning him about the football, he could still have been ill but that doesn't stop him watching the telly

You are having an argument with people on a random forum about something that might not actually be true. Why don’t you just ask him and if he says he was ill then leave it at that and move on. It’s not worth this level of drama

"So I'd say "Just thinking about last night and realised that your illness coincided very conveniently with X match against X! Look, you should have just asked to postpone our evening. I wouldn't have been offended. Please can you be honest about it next time?""

This is good.

But also - for all you've said you wouldn't have minded, the references to 'fronting up' and 'calling him out' are quite combative. No-one's perfect and you may just need to look at yourself a bit and wonder whether you have contributed to him feeling unable just to tell you that he wanted to watch the Arsenal match (if that was indeed the case). Given that football has re-started after 3 months off, I don't think it's odd that he would want to take that opportunity or an indication that he doesn't value the relationship (as one of the posters above appears to suggest, although perhaps I misread it).

I wouldn't bring it up over text or by phone. I'd wait until you see him and then maybe ask some concerned questions about how ill he was, did he take medication etc. If he looks a bit sheepish then you could bring up the football in a jokey, non-confrontational way and see what he says. If he did lie, it might have been based on his idea of how you'd react rather than actually how you would have reacted. You're therefore want to make it clear that the lying is more problematic to you than saying he wants to stay in and watch football.

Dery

I have thought about this a lot and hand on heart I have never asked him not to watch football or anything similar. I suspect he has an inbuilt fear about this and he felt that it would be hard to come over to mine for a few hours and justify watching the match. So he took the easy way out.

I've calmed down about it a bit and I fully understand that its a white lie to allow someone to have an easy life without hurting their partner, as opposed to a damaging lie to hide something dangerous. I genuinely think he has my best interests at heart. But its hurt me and made me question my trust a bit. Maybe that's my issue. But I would find it hard at the moment just to roll over and pretend nothing's happened.

I'd tell him that I couldn't see him for 1 or 2 weeks as he needs to isolate after not feeling well 🤒

Tbf it might have been a combination of footie and feeling a bit shit, if he's not done it before then I'd just let it go after the weeks isolation 😉

happinessischocolate I did seriously consider suggesting this -- it seems utterly plausible for me to say this and frankly would teach him a lesson.

I'd answer and say "Glad you feeling better now sweetie. It's too bad you were ill, it would have been fun watching the football all together. DD and I watched it with a big bowl of popcorn."

If it was Manchester United he was being unreasonable, as they were finished by 8.
If it was Liverpool well I don't blame him

Oh I also like PixelatedLunchbox's message!

Considering that you say you're OK with this OP, you do come across as making a big song and dance about it. If you've been together for two years (did it read that right or did it make it up?) I really don't understand how your relationship isn't at the stage where either of you can have a grown up conversation about changing plans without having to resort MN to fix it.

The bottom line is you don't trust him. IF he is lying about being ill (which we still don't know if he is or not) he's too scared to tell you the truth which is no good after two years. Then your communication between each other is so dire that you can't just send him a quick text or ask him outright if he was just blowing you off to watch the footy.

Just LTB. If you're still at this stage two years in, your relationship isn't going anywhere.

Fatted maybe. I don't think we're quite at LTB territory yet but it has made me question the relationship.

Was this the Man U game? I have no interest in football DH huge Man U fan, do I care? Not at all in fact yesterday I thought I would end up wondering off during game but watched the whole thing it was a great game of football. Embrace it if he loves football, you don't have to watch it but occasionally it's good entertainment. You'll never win, his team were there before you and will be there after you. I am a football widow sort of, but as I say I embrace it.

So can I read this right:

Someone has told you something
You have unilaterally decided they are lying to you despite having zero indication or evidence otherwise
You are making decisions and judgements on your relationship based on the fact that you’ve decided are definitely true.

I agree with others - this relationship is doomed.

@Viragoesque my ex had no interest in football whatsover and was still a lying arsehole. There really is no correlation that being into football = unsuccessful relationships.

OP, if you think he lied then that means lack of trust and there must be something else underlying. It's a chink in the armour so I'd tread carefully because he could genuinely have been feeling shitty earlier in the day. I'd be inclined to let this go and if it crops up again, then call him out.

Oh and yes my DH lied about changing arrangements regarding football games from time to time, it's not betrayal and he doesn't lie about other things, and hadn't lied about football in oh nearly 14 years. And I still wouldn't care if he lied to watch a game "can't go cinema on call this weekend"......etc etc etc