Fairly sure my boyfriend blew me out to watch football rather than fronting up to me-- how to handle?

[allsystemsdown]

Not a huge one in the scheme of things but need to tackle this without escalating it and not very good at this sort of thing.

I'm 90% sure that my boyfriend lied to me in order to stay at home last night and watch a football match. He was meant to be coming over to mine and then started sending me messages in the afternoon about feeling sick etc. I said fine, no problem, go to bed and message me in the morning. It dawned on me after I spoke to him that his team was playing (and, it turns out, did very well). He's since messaged me saying he's feeling much better and I haven't responded.

I wouldn't have been massively thrilled about spending the whole evening watching football but would have tolerated it without complaint or, more likely, suggested we reschedule. I don't see why it was necessary to lie and turn it into an elaborate story about his health.

We've been together nearly two years, don't live together (I have a daughter) but in general I'm really happy with him, he's respectful and loving and this is the first time he's put a foot wrong. I've only seen him twice since lockdown and its been lovely. No reason to think he's cooled or that anything is off.

I am just really pissed off about the fact that I've almost certainly been lied to and particularly about something as trivial as this, and what it says about our communication levels. I also think its fairly poor taste in the middle of a pandemic to make me worried about his health and ring COVID alarm bells. I am a LP with a daughter and I've been very clear that I won't tolerate being dicked about or lied to.

He's generally been incredibly respectful on this front generally and I don't want to escalate it unnecessarily or say anything bitter or rancorous. I also can't prove that this was why he blew me out and don't want to look paranoid, but I think the probability is extremely high that that's what happened. I need to nip it in the bud.

How would you phrase the response message?

As a PP suggested, would leave it to him to initiate the next time you see each other, then ask him about it face to face: was he actually ill or had just forgotten about the football, wanted to watch it at home, and didn’t want to tell you?

He probably did lie but you gotta ask yourself why?
It sounds like a parent - child relationship when you are talking about your boyfriend. Do you ‘call him out’ often?! Saying you’ll ignore him for a few weeks as a punishment ?!
I think he will lie to you more and more if this is how you respond when you don’t get what you want .

Just message and say it's a shame he was ill as his team played well 😉

Don't sweat it op, he probably wanted to watch & message pals or watch with a pal? We all tell little white lies, including you, to save people's feelings. You can let him know you know but don't jeopardise this with grudges.

I get why this is annoying OP. First, it's making a fool of you, you'll be sitting worrying about him while he is laughing at how easily you were fooled. Second, it's insulting as it's implying you are some kind of monster/unreasonable person when you aren't.

If its a one off I'd let it go but I would tease him about it.

my ex had no interest in football whatsover and was still a lying arsehole. There really is no correlation that being into football = unsuccessful relationships.

You misunderstand me. Non-football fans can of course still be lying arseholes, but they are at least not lying arseholes who drone on endlessly about penalties, orient their weekends around games, wear those repellent clingy replica strips, or unapologetically expect the people around them to deal with moodiness caused by Chelsea losing at home, as if this was an actual event in their lives.

Some people probably think this kind of thing is normal or even charming. I don't. So ruling out football fans was key to me ruling out men who were not for me.

It sounds like a parent - child relationship when you are talking about your boyfriend.

But it's the bf who has made it this dynamic, acting like a child lying over some silly thing that wouldn't matter anyway.

For some people, no matter how reasonable you are, no matter how easy going you are, they will still lie just to avoid the most minute possibility of a slightly awkward conversation, or just for the fun of it. And it's not good being on the receiving end of that.

Well if it was Liverpool we've been waiting years misses point.

You clearly don't trust him and now you're thinking of ducking him for a few days/weeks?
Yeah you're clearly chill 🙃

I would have known the match was on and not invited him over. He obviously lied to you because he was scared. Pathetic behaviour.

If it was Liverpool, he's been waiting 29 long, tedious, often heartbreaking years for this week.

FWIW I think you just need to talk to him about it. My DH did something similar to me years ago - a stupid lie - I had given him a plant to give his sister (she wanted a cuttign of mine) and he forgot it. When I saw her next I asked how it was doing and she said it was fine, but looked shifty. They all laughed at me and then he admitted the truth.
I told him later that I obviously didn't care that much about the plant, but I felt really hurt that he'd lied, and extra hurt that he'd made his sister lie to me. He has never done it since.

Just dump him op.

If you're getting this worked up because you think you know he lied and you're questioning the relationahip over it, move on

If it was the Liverpool match then it was a great match, to be fair.

You're being a bit dramatic, I think. And I'm a very dramatic person so I empathise.

I think I’d leave it tbh and if it happens again bring it up

I agree with @1300cakes

It’s sexist because it puts the OP in the position of “mean controlling demanding mummy character” because she’s a woman, no other reason.

I worked part time in a supermarket when I was studying, and I ended up working with an all boys team briefly.

I was a generally useless shelf stacker and really wasn’t that invested emotionally or socially in the job or the people there - just there to bridge a brief financial gap and get a mortgage income ticked off.

What freaked me out was how the men (and some of the women) kept trying to set me up (bullying) by claiming I was clearly jealous of all the fun and camaraderie of the LADS I was working with and desperate to do things like grass them up for skiving on lunchtime breaks because obviously that’s what women do, isn’t it?

The reality was I was focussed on completely different things and people (and really didn’t even remember their names let alone care what they did in their time )

I hate sexist attitudes like this - they’re dehumanising to women.

If the way you talk about him is indicative of how you treat him in real life then I'm not surprised he said he was ill. You're going to blow cold now because of this? He should run for the hills. A good relationship shouldn't be this hard.

Plus you don't actually know he wasn't feeling ill! You're blowing this way out of proportion. If he lied you might want to look at why he didn't tell you the truth. If he didn't lie, and was ill, maybe you should look at why your first thought was that he lied.

Wow, give the guy a break. Just let it go.

Are you usually this dramatic OP?

If my partner had analysed something to this degree without just outright asking if I was lying and then deciding whether to believe my answer or not, I would see it as a sign they either weren't ready to be in a relationship or had insecurities they were taking out on me unfairly.

I couldn't cope with this level of scrutiny and the OTT descriptions / accusations. You think he fibbed about something. You haven't directly challenged him about it.

In fact the only partner I have lied to is an ex who was smothering and paranoid, because I was scared of the drama and arguments he would spin out of nothing.

If he is a Manchester United fan and not from anywhere near Manchester, then be prepared for years of sulking.

OP. Would you be willing to hear:
"I'd rather stay and watch the football than come and see you"?

That would be the alternative without his white lie.

I wouldn't mention it, if you're right and he's lied you're in a catch 22... lies because he's worried about your reaction -> you react to the lying -> he hears your reaction but relates it to the football, ergo: he was justified in lying because you over react.

FWIW I hate being in that position, there's just no way to speak your mind without shooting yourself in the foot.

It's dating, not ownership. You need to "nip it in the bud"? He's not two. If you are normally such hard work, and it rather sounds like you may be, then I'd say that explains why he might be too scared to tell you the truth.

@Bunkbedpeople your story has literally no relation to this situation.

BTW OP, serious football fans NEVER forget about it. I wonder if he's worried about the stereotypical expected female response to wanting to watch a game, which is nagging. It's the worst, the old 'ball and chain' line used down the pub. It's disgusting, but it's alive and well.

We've been together nearly two years

only seen him twice since lockdown and its been lovely.

I think if I'd been with someone 2 years I'd expect to see them more often than that, in the few weeks since we've been able to meet for socially distanced walks etc at least. Is he local?

I think I would tease him and say 'if you wanted to stay in and watch the footie that's ok you know.'