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Original poster

Fairly sure my boyfriend blew me out to watch football rather than fronting up to me-- how to handle?

116 replies

allsystemsdown · 25/06/2020 13:04

Not a huge one in the scheme of things but need to tackle this without escalating it and not very good at this sort of thing.

I'm 90% sure that my boyfriend lied to me in order to stay at home last night and watch a football match. He was meant to be coming over to mine and then started sending me messages in the afternoon about feeling sick etc. I said fine, no problem, go to bed and message me in the morning. It dawned on me after I spoke to him that his team was playing (and, it turns out, did very well). He's since messaged me saying he's feeling much better and I haven't responded.

I wouldn't have been massively thrilled about spending the whole evening watching football but would have tolerated it without complaint or, more likely, suggested we reschedule. I don't see why it was necessary to lie and turn it into an elaborate story about his health.

We've been together nearly two years, don't live together (I have a daughter) but in general I'm really happy with him, he's respectful and loving and this is the first time he's put a foot wrong. I've only seen him twice since lockdown and its been lovely. No reason to think he's cooled or that anything is off.

I am just really pissed off about the fact that I've almost certainly been lied to and particularly about something as trivial as this, and what it says about our communication levels. I also think its fairly poor taste in the middle of a pandemic to make me worried about his health and ring COVID alarm bells. I am a LP with a daughter and I've been very clear that I won't tolerate being dicked about or lied to.

He's generally been incredibly respectful on this front generally and I don't want to escalate it unnecessarily or say anything bitter or rancorous. I also can't prove that this was why he blew me out and don't want to look paranoid, but I think the probability is extremely high that that's what happened. I need to nip it in the bud.

How would you phrase the response message?

OP posts:
LesleysChestnutBob · 25/06/2020 22:20

It certainly doesn't sound like him being honest would have been the easiest way. I can see why he might have lied given that you're now going on about how the trust has gone because he said he wasn't feeling well. After 2 years. This is how much you trust him?

Let him go, sounds like he could do better

billy1966 · 25/06/2020 22:24

The trivial nature of the lie is not the point, football drinks, whatever.

I would be so pissed off to be put into the position of big bad person who can't possibly be told the truth like a normal adult.

I would definitely take it seriously and trust would be damaged.

The football, reason etc...is irrelevant.

Nothing wrong with begging off for one night.

The being lied too and made a fool off would be a big turn off.

I would want to know too.

Flowers
ladygracie · 25/06/2020 22:28

Who does he support? If it’s Liverpool then I don’t blame him. Which I realise isn’t the point at all.

ladygracie · 25/06/2020 22:30

Also you don’t actually know that that is what happened. I was at work last week, arranged to meet a friend in the evening and really suddenly felt so ill that I was sent home. It literally came from nowhere so he’s not necessarily lied to you.

Somethingkindaoooo · 25/06/2020 22:31

People lie about this sort of thing when they're apprehensive about how their partner will perceive it. While they shouldn't lie, they equally shouldnt feel like they have to for a less stressful life

No- people lie because they choose to lie.

I'd be upset too, but for what @billy1966 said.

I'd hate to be put in that dynamic

Runkle · 25/06/2020 22:59

Get over yourself. So what if he did fancy a night watching the footie. Not the worst lie in the world and if this is the only 'foot he's put wrong' in 2 years then he's not all bad.. But if you're not happy with that then move on.

Flyingf1edgelings · 25/06/2020 23:02

He lied because he knew you would be seething, you are to be posting on here. My dh wouldn't miss liverpool play. I'm cool with that he puts us 1st every other time he is entitled to watch his team play. Its hardy a big lie.

Somethingkindaoooo · 25/06/2020 23:59

Honestly, I sometimes think I'm from another universe.

OP said she honestly didn't care if he watched the footie

Her bf unnecessarily lied

OP is upset about the lie, NOT the footie watching.

Childish behaviour on the Bf's part.
Perhaps he had an ex who would have been upset at this. Maybe this doesn't mean anything.
OP still has the right to dislike being lied to ( for no reason).
Maybe HE needs to work out why he felt insecure in the relationship. After all, HE is the one who lied.

That whole ' poor man had to lie because his woman is crazy/ hard work/ not cool' is a steaming pile of horseshit.

Somethingkindaoooo · 26/06/2020 00:01

And yes, sometimes people lie because they panicked or felt caught out. That is completely human.

It is what happens AFTER which is important- whether you go with the lie, or not.

myrtleWilson · 26/06/2020 00:08

@Somethingkindaoooo

Honestly, I sometimes think I'm from another universe.

OP said she honestly didn't care if he watched the footie

Her bf unnecessarily lied

OP is upset about the lie, NOT the footie watching.

Childish behaviour on the Bf's part.
Perhaps he had an ex who would have been upset at this. Maybe this doesn't mean anything.
OP still has the right to dislike being lied to ( for no reason).
Maybe HE needs to work out why he felt insecure in the relationship. After all, HE is the one who lied.

That whole ' poor man had to lie because his woman is crazy/ hard work/ not cool' is a steaming pile of horseshit.

She thinks he lied - she doesn't know he did.
LesleysChestnutBob · 26/06/2020 05:49

Oh and "jokingly" saying about the football being on is not joking - it's passive aggressive bullshit

LockdownHairdo · 26/06/2020 06:12

I wonder if he had mates round and that’s the reason for the lie.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 26/06/2020 07:36

Ruling out any man with the remotest interest in football has always been key to the success and happiness of my relationships.

Ha. And I really wouldn't like to be with a man who didn't understand the offside rule. Funny old wordl, innit?

AgentJohnson · 26/06/2020 08:35

You suspect that he lied, you don’t know that he did. I get that you are upset but there’s a huge mismatch in how you describe yourself and your behaviour. Your choice of language is very combative and you I don’t believe for one second that your bf believes you’re as chill as you say you are. Oh and for someone who doesn’t like lies I don not understand the logic behind “teaching him a lesson” without actually articulating the lesson being taught.

If you expect 100 % transparency then you should also be transparent in return.

I think you are blissfully unaware as to how passive aggressive and downright aggressive you come across. There’s assertiveness and then there’s your behaviour and they aren’t closely related.

Buggedandconfused · 26/06/2020 08:42

You sound hard work OP!!

Truly, it’s not a lie it’s a little fib - hardly damaging to an otherwise good relationship. Just make a joke if it and call him out. Relax ffs.

Namechange8471 · 26/06/2020 09:12

Maybe he wanted time to himself to watch it, or with mates.

It’s up to you if it’s a dealbreaker op...

Guavaf1sh · 26/06/2020 09:13

Agree you sound like hard work. You don’t know at all if he was in fact ill or not! Very controlling behaviour

Buggedandconfused · 26/06/2020 09:30

If a man was in here writing this about his girlfriend feeling poorly but watching Killing Eve or something everyone would be going absolutely freakin nuts and saying LTB.

whenitalkaboutsexnobodylistens · 26/06/2020 09:31

Does he get the silent treatment, and "no, it's fine! you watch football. I'll just sit here on my own" if he tells you the truth? Come on, be honest OP!

WinningEveryDay · 26/06/2020 09:38

You do sound like hard work and not at all as 'chill' as you think you are.

BlokeHereInPeace · 26/06/2020 09:42

If he's a proper supporter then there's no way he forgot it was on. He had a call from a mate or mates and chose to watch with them. It depends if your relationship is such that he could have called and told you, which would have been the right thing to do.

60sPony · 26/06/2020 09:49

You don’t have BT sport do you? That would have been the problem!

If he’s generally great let it go, don’t mention it again. Sometimes it really is easier to not sweat the small stuff

burnoutbabe · 26/06/2020 10:03

Surely even if he was ill he'd watch it anyway, not go to bed right away? Only actual migraines would make me go to bed and sleep rather than lie in sofa quietly and watch tv.

So one can be ill and watch tv?

Greybutterfly · 26/06/2020 10:07

Coming from a football mad family with a football mad DP (thankfully same team) I can assure you that there is no way he forgot the game. We have had a countdown for months. Constantly talk on his various WhatsApp groups in the days before etc.

Myself, mum, sister, SIL etc all have the games in our phone calendars. We know to work around games whether that means expecting the men to come after k/o or not arranging to clash. I have gone multiple times with my DP but also understand there are times he wants to watch it alone or with the boys. We have the talk every week about plans for the game and how we work around it.

If he didn’t know about the game before, he is not a proper fan so would not have been that bothered to lie to watch it. I suspect he told a white lie as he knew you would fly off the handle, hence the wanting to confront him, ignore him, have it out, nip it in the bud etc. Because he cancelled instead of having a dinner with you. With all due respect it was only coming round to see you midweek for a dinner you were already cooking not like he has stood you up or it was a special occasion. I think if you are honest you would not have been happy with him coming round eating and putting the game on all night.

Maybe you need to take more of an interest in his hobby so this mistake doesn’t happen again. You also need to communicate. I am amazed that after 2 years you don’t know what is important to each other or how to talk.

Alditescoasda · 26/06/2020 10:19

Maybe you need to take more of an interest in his hobby so this mistake doesn’t happen again. He's not a small child. If he lied, which we don't know if he did, a much more mature approach would have been for BF to tell OP that he wanted to watch the football and maybe suggest an alternative evening that was better for him.

I don't understand all of the 'everyone lies', 'it's only a white lie' comments on this thread. If you and your DP don't have good enough communication skills to be open and honest with each other, then it seems like a slippery slope to bigger problems. Even if OP would have been unhappy or not taken being cancelled for the football very well, which we also don't know, that doesn't mean (in my opinion) that BF should lie just for an easy life.