Big Problem with neighbours - advice please

[LucyintheSky21]

Hi

I am not sure that this is the right place to post something about an issue with neighbours but I thought it might fall under ‘relationships’ in a way as it is regarding the relationship between us and our neighbours.
Just for a bit of background, we own our house and have lived here 15 years and the neighbour I am going to discuss only moved in just before Christmas. We have not had much to do with the neighbours, they are a couple the same sort of age as myself and DH and have one small child about 18 months old. We have two young primary age DC.
We have in recent months started to speak a little over the wall and say hello and they seemed pleasant. Most people on our street don’t really speak. Anyway, we are not the Waltons and yes out children can be noisy if they play in the garden but only like normal children. We don’t have parties or play loud music or anything like that. A few weeks ago the lady Nextdoor collared me over the wall to complain that the night before my children had kept her son awake or woke him up crying. I knew the night she meant and my child had a night tremor which she does suffer from when it’s warm etc and the screaming can be loud. I apologised and explained and she was ok about it. Since then I have noticed that she is always watching me out of the window and when I notice her watching she actually ducks down from the window. I know this might sound strange but I said to my DH a while ago that I had a funny feeling about her and can tell she’s a nosey neighbour as she makes comments sometimes to me. For example one night I was looking for our cat in the street and she must have seen me leave my gate to go and look and it was around 10pm and she pointed out to me that she was aware I was outside at that time, almost like I shouldn’t have been. I wasn’t shouting the cat.
Another time she complained to me about my neighbours on the other side because they had a bbq with friends during lockdown and she was fuming about that.
Anyway, we are about to have some work done end of this week on our roof so at 7am this morning my scaffolding came. I wasn’t told what time it would arrive, I was only told it would be Wednesday or Thursday. Anyway this afternoon she collared me in the garden over the wall and was guns blazing that the men who bought the scaffolding woke her up and her child. It is not my fault as I had no idea what time. She wouldn’t accept it. She then said that if my children play in the garden on an evening that they have to be inside by 7pm as that’s when she puts her son to bed and she does not want any noise. My children are just normal children and don’t go to bed really late by can play out until 8pm now. She was quite nasty with how she spoke to me and said she fell out with her last neighbours and she had to move and that she won’t put up with it but I’m confused about what she’s complaining about and I feel like she’s going to be complaining every time I cough in the garden. It became semi- heated this afternoon as I felt she was telling me what to do and what she is complaining about is ridiculous. It is as if she thinks she is lady muck and everyone around her must do as she says. What she is complaining about is noise from normal living. She has a dog and doesn’t clean up the mess and it stinks but I don’t say anything. I am worried about her as I think she has an unhealthy interest in us and watches us and I feel it’s going to be compliant after complaint. Can anyone help or advise on what I can do about this before it gets out of hand?

Many thanks

That sounds stressful. I agree that she is BU and cannot dictate to you what you do. Playing until 8 is not late.

Try ignore her. She sounds batty.
And ask her to pick up her dog's mess - vile in this heat.

No wonder she fell out with her last neighbours. I would just ignore her as best you can. Try to avoid chatting as much as possible if all she's going to do is moan about everything and everyone.

I'd put up a trellis so she can't watch you and ignore her. Fuck her, she doesn't get to tell you what you can do in your own garden. She says anything again you just tell her, 'You don't get to dictate how we live our lives. This isn't up for discussion,' and walk away. I'd have laughed in her face if she told me I had to be in by 7pm. It's not a fucking library.

I’m sure she did fall out with her old neighbours .

Smile, nod & ignore OP. She sounds to be one of those super entitled people. You don’t need to keep justifying yourself for perfectly normal behaviour.

However, 7am is a bit early to hear the clanging of scaffolding. But as a one off I wouldn’t hold it against my neighbours .

Sounds horrible and it is stressful thinking you have a situation developing with a neighbour.
I would keep interactions to a minimum and if she engages with you stay totally and completely calm so she looks like the unreasonable one and she can't use righteous anger on you like she could if you get heated. Now you are anticipating her attitude this should be easier than it is when we are taken by surprise.
If she makes an unreasonable demand turn it around and ask in a slightly surprised head-tilt kind of way such as "So we can't use our garden after your child's bedtime? How odd, I'm afraid we can't promise that" ... Walk away.
Turn it around so it sounds as mad as it is, don't engage with the points she is making and try to argue it, just keep it brief, clear and calm.
She sounds very unreasonable, there is no point trying you reason with her, so don't, it will just escalate.

She is being Absolutely ridiculous. Don’t pander to her. Ignore. I hate noisy neighbours but 7pm is not late for them to be in the garden in the summer. If she wants to control noise around her she should live in a detached house in the middle of nowhere!
Smile, nod and ignore. Don’t engage with her. When you see her watching, give her a wave.
Also, it’s normal for scaffolders to turn up early, yes it’s an ting but it was a one off. I’d secretly hope they turn up just as early to take down

Don't engage with her ridiculous attitude. You could be super nice and smile when you tell her the request that your children must be in by 7 is not appropriate.
Do not think about her any more. Live your life. Many people just love to take advantage of decent neighbours. I know all too well. Try to brush off. You haven't done anything remotely wrong.

Thank you for all the replies so far, I haven’t slept well for worrying about this issue. I have never had any issues like this with neighbours ever before. Next door are renting their house and there has been many neighbours in before them and we have never ever had an issue with any of them. Re the scaffolding, I was a little shocked they arrived so early but no-one informed me of a time. I was just told it would be Wednesday or Thursday by the roofer who is coming to do the job on Friday. God help me if the roofer comes early to start the job on Friday as no doubt she will be collaring me over the wall about that. In fact while she was in a heated discussion with me yesterday with all of her complaints, i did tell her that the roof was being done on Friday and she said that I needed to give her a knock and let her know what time they will be starting so that she knows. I have no idea what time they will be coming to start the job, I presume Friday morning but I also am not willing to ring the roofer to question him as I believe people turn up when they turn up and don’t want to sound odd.
I wasn’t nasty with her, I was very taken aback. My children do like to play with their friends in the summer months outside in the gardens and where we can see them and sometimes it might not be exactly the same time every night. They never stay out late but for example they might stay out 20 minutes later than normal one day after tea and she pointed all of that out to me. When I tried explaining when they usually come inside, she said ‘well that’s not true because one night I saw you bring them in around 8.30’. It was as if I am now not allowed to love my life the way I normally do without checking with my neighbour first. She did say she had also been to see the other neighbour, my other neighbour to tell them that he (who is a plumber) cannot make any noise with his tools etc when she is putting her son to bed. He must be a very light sleeper. So today is a warm lovely day and I am dreading being out in the garden in case she wants to complain about something else. We have cats. Is she going to complain that she can see them from her window and would rather not? I was worried last night to put the bathroom light on when it was late and this morning I normally put my washing out early but I thought I’d better not in case my door opening or closing wakes her up. I honestly would understand if we were loud and noisy but what she is demanding I feel is very unreasonable and dictating when she has no right and I am upset about this. So is DH. Neither of us know how to handle her now. Is it best to ignore her completely when we see her and carry on life as normal knowing she will complain again soon for something else? If and when she does complain, should I listen Or should I stop her before she starts and just say politely ‘I’m very sorry Jane but I have heard enough of your complaints and I’m finding the things you’re asking and demanding of us very strange and peculiar. You cannot control the way other people love their lives. The street does not revolve around you. There are things we could complain about as well regarding you as neighbours, only I accept that not all families are perfect’.

Even if you don't feel it, act as if you don't care. Smile breezily and be confident- "We won't be doing that." Walk away. You don't want to bw her friend.

I’d avoid her as much as you can, if she starts to rant I wouldn’t go into a long spiel about not wanting to hear what she’s says - just say excuse me and walk away.

So she is renting? I would just continue living your life as you do and hope she moves out at the end of her tenancy. Nothing you have described sounds unreasonable. If challenged just say oh it sounds as if our road is a bit too noisy for you.

You are doing nothing wrong regarding kids out playing. This is from someone who really doesn't like kids so that's saying something. Builders will generally arrive 730/800am. You've told her they're coming that's all you need to do. I would just stop any interaction with her at all now. You're probably going to have to have one more which will go along the lines of "we are not doing anything wrong and I'm not willing to discuss these things any further with you" turn and walk away..That's it nothing more all over and done with. From there on just ignore her. Not great but otherwise you'll end up like me taking 10 years to stop being stressed in your own home because of stupid neighbours.

I’d be saying ‘oh fuck off, Jane’ personally.

She needs standing up to. She’s a bully who has got away with dictating for too long. Or just laugh at her.

I agree she sounds awful.

But I really don't think there is anything inherently weird about ringing a trades company to ask roughly what time they are coming!

Pretty sure you're allowed to make noise between 7am and 11pm so long as it doesn't constitute a noise nuisance or an unreasonable level of noise, so just keep doing what you do. God help her when her DC reaches school age if she doesn't like noise

Your local council website will have details of when builders etc are permitted to work on residential properties. I believe the start time on a weekday is 8am.
I would just start saying 'yes, feel free to take it up with the appropriate authorities' to any and all of her requests.
The appropriate authorities will laugh at these petty reports.

You can not look like you Are abiding by her ‘rules’ not even for one day, otherwise she is going to think she has ‘won’ and you are accepting things her way and she will only get 100 times worse with her rules and demands.
Let the children stay out late, have a barbecue, hang your washing out at 7am.... hell, have breakfast in the garden.

I’ve been neighbors with someone like this and at first I was like you and tried to be quieter for fear of more complaints but it only made her worse, she would literally complain about the toilet flushing at certain times of the day or the us making to much noise when cooking.
In the end I gave up and went back to normal living and even intentionally flounced her ‘rules’ and eventually she got the message and stopped complaining about every single noise.

I laughed in our old neighbours face. Worked a treat. Hahaha oh my goodness sorry but you must see your demands are completely bizarre? Well I won’t be restricting my children’s completely normal bedtime to suit your lifestyle.

You don’t need to engage with it and you don’t need to live in fear and actively avoiding her. Just face it head on, either laugh at her or tell her you think she’s being ridiculous or both!

The only thing that would bother me is the coughing in the garden you mention

She has a point about the scaffolding. If o was having that done, I'd have warned my neighbours out of politeness.

Are you asking your kids to keep the noise down after 7 in the garden? My 5 year old dd is a night owl, and we were in the garden until 9 last night. I was making sure she wasn't noisy, as I know kids nearby are asleep by then.

7am isn't early for most working people during the week.

You can also point out that her child won’t be a baby forever. Will she be planning on not letting them in the garden after 7pm when they are older?

Smooth it all out with a techno party! But seriously she complained that neighbours were having a BBQ .....in the sunshine ......

She sounds mentally unwell. I'd keep repeating as written above so it's clear you will not go along with her ridiculous ideas. As much as you can, do not engage with her and push back hard every time she makes an unreasonable demand. Ask her to clean up her dogs mess as it smells bad and strong enough that you can smell it and is attracting flies. Hopefully she won't fling it over the fence at you. She needs to live in a detached house with a big garden and no neighbours and she'd still be complaining about something.

If she's renting, I would just tell her firmly that she must pass all and any complaints through her landlord and you will only communicate with them.

Hopefully her landlord will put her straight.