Big Problem with neighbours - advice please

[LucyintheSky21]

Hi

I am not sure that this is the right place to post something about an issue with neighbours but I thought it might fall under ‘relationships’ in a way as it is regarding the relationship between us and our neighbours.
Just for a bit of background, we own our house and have lived here 15 years and the neighbour I am going to discuss only moved in just before Christmas. We have not had much to do with the neighbours, they are a couple the same sort of age as myself and DH and have one small child about 18 months old. We have two young primary age DC.
We have in recent months started to speak a little over the wall and say hello and they seemed pleasant. Most people on our street don’t really speak. Anyway, we are not the Waltons and yes out children can be noisy if they play in the garden but only like normal children. We don’t have parties or play loud music or anything like that. A few weeks ago the lady Nextdoor collared me over the wall to complain that the night before my children had kept her son awake or woke him up crying. I knew the night she meant and my child had a night tremor which she does suffer from when it’s warm etc and the screaming can be loud. I apologised and explained and she was ok about it. Since then I have noticed that she is always watching me out of the window and when I notice her watching she actually ducks down from the window. I know this might sound strange but I said to my DH a while ago that I had a funny feeling about her and can tell she’s a nosey neighbour as she makes comments sometimes to me. For example one night I was looking for our cat in the street and she must have seen me leave my gate to go and look and it was around 10pm and she pointed out to me that she was aware I was outside at that time, almost like I shouldn’t have been. I wasn’t shouting the cat.
Another time she complained to me about my neighbours on the other side because they had a bbq with friends during lockdown and she was fuming about that.
Anyway, we are about to have some work done end of this week on our roof so at 7am this morning my scaffolding came. I wasn’t told what time it would arrive, I was only told it would be Wednesday or Thursday. Anyway this afternoon she collared me in the garden over the wall and was guns blazing that the men who bought the scaffolding woke her up and her child. It is not my fault as I had no idea what time. She wouldn’t accept it. She then said that if my children play in the garden on an evening that they have to be inside by 7pm as that’s when she puts her son to bed and she does not want any noise. My children are just normal children and don’t go to bed really late by can play out until 8pm now. She was quite nasty with how she spoke to me and said she fell out with her last neighbours and she had to move and that she won’t put up with it but I’m confused about what she’s complaining about and I feel like she’s going to be complaining every time I cough in the garden. It became semi- heated this afternoon as I felt she was telling me what to do and what she is complaining about is ridiculous. It is as if she thinks she is lady muck and everyone around her must do as she says. What she is complaining about is noise from normal living. She has a dog and doesn’t clean up the mess and it stinks but I don’t say anything. I am worried about her as I think she has an unhealthy interest in us and watches us and I feel it’s going to be compliant after complaint. Can anyone help or advise on what I can do about this before it gets out of hand?

Many thanks

I think that you just have to stand up to a neighbour like her,.or just ignore her. But probably hard to ignore her,so best to tell her to stop nit picking about everything. Some people are predisposed to always interfering, she is just a misery woman.

Why do you care what she thinks? She’s clearly got a screw loose. Just nod and carry on like normal.

Just tell her to f#@* off. People are so entitled!

Sounds like a joy, my children normally go to bed around 7:30 PM on a week day and 8:30ish on a weekend, there are still kids playing out after that time and I would dare tell the other parents what time there kids have to be in. If my children weren't so ratty the next day i would probably let them stay out later. Dont give in.

This woman appears to have a screw loose and there are only two things I would say. Firstly, if I ever have any outside work done, even if it doesn't really impact on neighbours, I put a note through their door explaining what is being done, roughly for how long and apologising in advance for any inconvenience. It pre-empts any bad feeling that might otherwise arise. Secondly one would think primary school children would be in bed and asleep by 8pm so to a certain extent I can understand not liking noisy kids in garden at that time. They should be having bath, bed and story by 7.30 as they need 12 hours sleep. However, that is your business.
Having said all that neither of those things justify her weird behaviour and it may be good to point out that you can see why she had to move if she treats all her neighbours this way.
Next time she complains I would be inclined to say that you find stinking dogs mess far more offensive than the sound of children playing.

So she's complained about the other neighbour's BBQ and also the plumber loading his van, as well as your kids. She's doing a good job of ingratiating herself into her new neighbourhood.

Just carry on as normal and ignore. Please try to stop worrying about this - though easier said than done I'm sure.

I think id be telling her that perhaps a detached house in the middle of nowhere might be more suitable for her, as you are just living your life as you are legally allowed to do and youd appreciate it if she packed it in with the complaints as its beginning to feel like harrassment

Use the Mumsnet classic, ‘No, that doesn’t work for us’, ‘No, we won’t be doing that’ Rinse and repeat. Do not get into a place where you are having to defend yourself. You are not doing anything wrong.

The stinking dog shit is disgusting. Next time she engages with you say “ah, I’m glad to have caught you for a chat Jane. Perhaps you don’t realise that the smell of your dog’s mess comes into my garden. Please clean it up. Thanks! See you later.” If she tries to get into some sort of quid pro quo argument around her cleaning the shit if you keep the kids in after 7, just point out that playing children are not a health hazard but excrement is.

I would keep a note / log of all your interactions with her. Perhaps on an email so it’s dated with the time. Stuff like this can look a lot clearer when it’s written down and logged

I wouldn't be amused by scaffolding being put up at 7am...but at the same time today is predicted to be the hottest day of the year so far. Scaffolding is a physically demanding job, I'm not remotely surprised that they wanted to get it sorted before the temperatures raised too much.

Likewise as annoying as it'll be, the roofer may well turn up early doors if the temperatures are predicted to be high on Friday where you live. I can't think of a single sane person who'd want to be working on a baking hot roof in the middle of the day!

Next time she says anything remotely controlling I'd nip it in the bud and tell her she has zero rights to complain about normal living in someone else's house and that if she continues you'll consider it to be harassment which will be reported as necessary.

Or should I stop her before she starts and just say politely ‘I’m very sorry Jane but I have heard enough of your complaints and I’m finding the things you’re asking and demanding of us very strange and peculiar. You cannot control the way other people love their lives. The street does not revolve around you. There are things we could complain about as well regarding you as neighbours, only I accept that not all families are perfect’.

Don't get into along explanation or reasoning of why you won't be doing what she says. That just means it is all up for discussion and negotiation.

You need a very quick breezy shut down of the conversation.

"No, sorry", smile and walk away.
Or as a PP "We won't be doing that", smile and walk and away.
Loud-ish (not mumbling), confident, smiley, shut down.

She has a problem with normal people living their normal lives. Her problem, not yours to have to dance around. I'd ignore where possible and try to take steps to limit the amount of contact she can easily have with you. So trellis above your garden fence, high bushes/shrubs. Some sort of barrier between your houses to the front as well, shrubs, fencing or even tubs for the short term until you can sort something more permanent.
If you really can't avoid her speaking to you then you'll have to be firm and tell she's being unreasonable and cannot dictate how other people live their lives. Walk away as soon as possible.
Please don't try to live your life to accommodate her though. That's no way to live.

The more I think about it, the more I am amused at her complaining about an 18 month old child being woken at 7am...most toddlers that age would already be awake at that time and it’s hardly a disaster if the kid has to have a longer nap later. She’s pissed of because the baby woke her up, not that the baby was woken up. Do you think she is WFH with the toddler there? That could perhaps make her quite grumpy.

I wouldn't use the word sorry in your talks with her. You have nothing to be sorry about. I would just use the 'I won't be doing that' and walk away

I’d start logging everything, every times she is looking and ducking etc record the conversations. Scaffolding I couldn’t be arsed to get worked up about, if you have kids generally you’re pretty much awake early anyway let’s be fair especially young ones.

Me being polite would only last so long and I’d have to snap, because I would not tolerate some self entitled arsehole telling me when to put my children indoors, I’d tell her firmly but politely, this is my garden and home and I choose what happens here I don’t tell you to pick up the dog shit which stinks by the way, now how about pick that up, bleach it down and you go indoors by 7 like a good neighbour.

You could try a go fuck yourself if the above fails.

If they're renting, could you contact the landlord or letting agent and lodge a complaint? Her behaviour is not acceptable and actually sounds quite intimidating. I hate confrontation and would be a nervous wreck if I had a neighbour like that.

I am a landlord. If someone contacted me about a tenant’s behaviour then I would ask them politely to engage directly with the tenant or the appropriate authority (council for noise, police for anything criminal) to get it resolved. A private landlord is not responsible to third parties for the behaviour of their tenants I’m afraid.

I might possibly agree, out if sympathy with the neighbours, not to extend the lease when it came up for renewal, but that would be the limit of any intervention.

Have read this post with interest and agree you must not let yourself be bullied into meeting her demands. Please let us know how she takes it when you rightly stand up for yourself.

"She then said that if my children play in the garden on an evening that they have to be inside by 7pm as that’s when she puts her son to bed and she does not want any noise."
Suggested response - "Don't be ridiculous."

"She ... said she fell out with her last neighbours and she had to move and that she won’t put up with it."
Suggested response - "So you'll be moving again soon, then?"

Short answers, don't enter into any discussion. She's being unreasonable.

And I would raise the dogshit issue with her. That's just grim.

She's showing you who she is. 7am is pretty normal for scaffolding.

Mind you "I believe people turn up when they turn up and don’t want to sound odd" - that does make you sound odd, I always like to know what sort of time tradesmen intend to start work! In any case, whatever time it is, she'll complain.

I'd wear sunglasses so you don't have to make eye contact.
Use the phrase "if you're unhappy, I suggest you speak to your rental agent/landlord" on repeat.
Live your life and stop worrying about her! She's clearly a twat!!

Op just ignore her. My neighbours are like this although they are older. They moan bubbles wet their washing, even though their washing line is right down the other side of the garden. They moan about everything, even though they have their music blaring and are out until late. You can never ever reason with crazy people like this so just smile and get on with your day. I know it's horrible. Everytjme I hear my neighbours I feel sick because they're usually talking about us really loudly. It's so so rude

Just ignore her. I also wouldn't change anything about your day to day going ons. If she pokes her head over the wall I would probably ask her not as it's am issue with privacy. But she sounds a bit egocentric.