Big Problem with neighbours - advice please

[LucyintheSky21]

Hi

I am not sure that this is the right place to post something about an issue with neighbours but I thought it might fall under ‘relationships’ in a way as it is regarding the relationship between us and our neighbours.
Just for a bit of background, we own our house and have lived here 15 years and the neighbour I am going to discuss only moved in just before Christmas. We have not had much to do with the neighbours, they are a couple the same sort of age as myself and DH and have one small child about 18 months old. We have two young primary age DC.
We have in recent months started to speak a little over the wall and say hello and they seemed pleasant. Most people on our street don’t really speak. Anyway, we are not the Waltons and yes out children can be noisy if they play in the garden but only like normal children. We don’t have parties or play loud music or anything like that. A few weeks ago the lady Nextdoor collared me over the wall to complain that the night before my children had kept her son awake or woke him up crying. I knew the night she meant and my child had a night tremor which she does suffer from when it’s warm etc and the screaming can be loud. I apologised and explained and she was ok about it. Since then I have noticed that she is always watching me out of the window and when I notice her watching she actually ducks down from the window. I know this might sound strange but I said to my DH a while ago that I had a funny feeling about her and can tell she’s a nosey neighbour as she makes comments sometimes to me. For example one night I was looking for our cat in the street and she must have seen me leave my gate to go and look and it was around 10pm and she pointed out to me that she was aware I was outside at that time, almost like I shouldn’t have been. I wasn’t shouting the cat.
Another time she complained to me about my neighbours on the other side because they had a bbq with friends during lockdown and she was fuming about that.
Anyway, we are about to have some work done end of this week on our roof so at 7am this morning my scaffolding came. I wasn’t told what time it would arrive, I was only told it would be Wednesday or Thursday. Anyway this afternoon she collared me in the garden over the wall and was guns blazing that the men who bought the scaffolding woke her up and her child. It is not my fault as I had no idea what time. She wouldn’t accept it. She then said that if my children play in the garden on an evening that they have to be inside by 7pm as that’s when she puts her son to bed and she does not want any noise. My children are just normal children and don’t go to bed really late by can play out until 8pm now. She was quite nasty with how she spoke to me and said she fell out with her last neighbours and she had to move and that she won’t put up with it but I’m confused about what she’s complaining about and I feel like she’s going to be complaining every time I cough in the garden. It became semi- heated this afternoon as I felt she was telling me what to do and what she is complaining about is ridiculous. It is as if she thinks she is lady muck and everyone around her must do as she says. What she is complaining about is noise from normal living. She has a dog and doesn’t clean up the mess and it stinks but I don’t say anything. I am worried about her as I think she has an unhealthy interest in us and watches us and I feel it’s going to be compliant after complaint. Can anyone help or advise on what I can do about this before it gets out of hand?

Many thanks

I’d log it with the council - and direct her to speak to council if she has an issue. Don’t engage with her anymore.

You’re not doing anything wrong, and you should be able to live your live as you choose. You are not doing anything unlawful.

She's unhinged. And stop bowing to her demands - not putting your washing out? Come on...... really? Just say no.

OP,

Withdraw completely.
Do not entertain her.
Do not keep your children in

Completely ignore her.

She is not a friend, you do not have to listen to her.

If she starts to harass you, log it with 101.

Unfortunately some people are difficult and don't have boundaries.

Do not respond nor entertain anything she says.

Hopefully she will get bored and move on.

Leaving dog mess out in hot weather is beyond disgusting, for that alone I would be blocking her.

You can not look like you Are abiding by her ‘rules’ not even for one day, otherwise she is going to think she has ‘won’ and you are accepting things her way and she will only get 100 times worse with her rules and demands.

^^ this... 100x this.

My MIL had a neighbour who made crazy demands. It all came to a head when they insisted that FIL park the car down the street and walk down to the house when he finished his shift at 9pm as him parking on his own drive was waking her up.

MIL is quite the peace of work herself and anytime the neighbour called to complain after that she just stared vacantly and made cuckoo noises . The neighbour soon stopped and told the rest of the close MIL was unreasonable and crazy... Most of then had already learned that themselves through the years so she wasn't bothered

Ds2 was in the paddling pool till gone 9pm last night. Scaffolding yes ide be pissed off but its not daily.
Just say the mn "sorry that doesnt work for me" and walk away.

When she said she'd fallen out with her old neighbours I would have commented: "Yes well you're going to move a frequently with your attitude" and not spoken to her again!

Do you know who the letting agent is? Or the Landlord? I would complain about the dog mess. She has the right to enjoyment of her house- but so do you! Also, as PP said, tell her to refer all complaints requests through them so they can see the issues.
I am a LL and I always ask the agents to deal with issues caused by my tenants quickly - or when neighbours make the tenants life difficult.
It is telling that she moved from the last house due to the neighbours.

You need to get tough...your not doing anything wrong. Telling you to take your kids in at 7 is bloody ridiculous, get tou tell her that wont be happening and if her DC has diffculty sleeping advise her to seek support via a sleep consultant. You need to shut her down or it will keep happening.

This kind of stuff gets in your head and causes anxiety- deal with her head on and tell her your not going to be told how to live in your home or when to use your garden.

Tell her to F off and clean her dog shit up. Dirty cow. Iv had to put up with a neighbour having a dog pooh garden before it stinks.

Oh this sounds awful. I feel for you.
Yea having kids woken, even by general living noise, is annoying but that’s life. I have neighbours who let their kids play out later than I leave mine out and it causes issues with my kids Bedtimes. I’d never complain though because they’re aren’t making an unreasonable amount of noise and I accept that difficult bedtimes is just an unfortunate part of having young children.

I’d be so tempted to show her what real noise is....but I’d course that would only escalate the situation.

I think how you proceed depends on your personality. If you are fairly confident and can manage confrontation I’d say telling her straight would be good... something like ...
“I’m not prepared to have any more discussion with you. You are unreasonable and rude and I will not let you dictate how I live. I will continue to try to a reasonable neighbour, as I always have been, but you will not be telling me how long my children can stay outside. If you can’t manage your child being woke by the everyday neighbour hood noise then I suggest you seek some parenting advice. In future I’ll be ignoring you completely because clearly you are completely incapable of rational conversation”. Then I’d ignore her in future and make a show of ignoring her too (eg wouldn’t look at her etc).

If you struggle With confrontation I’d say maybe just slip straight to the ignoring Phase and have a handy cache or phrases to use if she tries to engage you. “Sorry I’m running very late so don’t have time to talk now (then close the door)” Or “I need to get the kids in for dinner so can’t talk etc”. And just continue to block and ignore her until she gets the message.

If you get anything like notes/calls/weird behaviour start logging it so you can report it if neccisaru.

Can you do anything to add privacy to your garden so she can’t see!!

The scaffolding was unreasonable. It shouldn’t be before 8 am.

Everything else she is asking of you is unreasonable. This will escalate, I fear.

I would be contacting her LL myself!

I certainly wouldn’t put up with this crap! It’s bordering on harassment!

When I tried explaining when they usually come inside, she said ‘well that’s not true because one night I saw you bring them in around 8.30’.

I think at that point my response would have been "oh do fuck off". This needs nipping in the bud. The more reasonable you are the more batshit they will get. Thank God they're renting.

She is being a bully, simple as that. You are allowed to make noise from 7am-11pm within reason so even the scaffolders coming at 7am is fine. Frustrating but not arguable by your neighbour.
Having unfriendly neighbours is very stressful. Have you discussed it with any of the other neighbours?

Definitely put trellis up . That’s a start. Then disengage . You are not doing anything wrong . Make a note of her complaints for you own records only . And agree if she does not clean up after dog then report that to the landlord. Your children playing out at 8 or even 9 in this weather is perfectly acceptable .

Am I the only one who’s a little bit envious that her 18 month old is asleep by 7pm and still asleep at 7am?

I’d reply “shame you can’t afford a nice detached house in the country dear”.

@Blueraccoon He little one has clearly learnt already that it is easier to be asleep (or pretending to) between those times so he doesn’t get a lecture from his mum.

Do not engage with her at all. Ignore completely.
Don't get into a discussion. If she starts telling you that your children have to be in by a certain time just say "That doesn't work for us" and walk away.
Put up trellis or whatever to block her view into your house/garden.

Ignore any comments about the builders and don't tell her when they are arriving. They arrive when they arrive. I think some are working longer hours at the moment because there is a backlog of work which has arisen during lockdown. I'm in another country and I had a plumber here at 7 am and the neighbours had a painter sanding down their windows at a similar time because they are all rushed off their feet with work.

Just get on with your life. You shouldn't even be thinking about whether a bathroom light affects her or not. She's got to you already and it has to stop now.

I have neighbours downstairs who are a bit sniffy about any kind of noise. When I first moved here they made comments that I should keep noise down (before I'd made any noise) and that I should get new flooring in as the old was too noisy (I did eventually but not for that reason). They also said I shouldn't wear shoes in the flat as it's noisy.
It turned out that they had made the lives of the family who lived here before me a misery with their complaints. They'd obviously wanted to start with me but I cut it down straightaway. I'm not noisy. I play a loud musical instrument but I practise that somewhere else so as not to disturb anyone. When lockdown started I knew I would have to practise it in the flat so I spoke to the neighbour. She was up a height with me straight away but I framed it in terms of, this is what is happening, it will be one hour a day, is there a time which I should avoid eg. lunchtime etc.
Sometimes being very direct stops this behaviour before it gets out of control.

She sounds incredibly angry and brittle, if she can't bear noise from people she should go and live somewhere remote where she can't hear them quite honestly. You are not doing anything out of the ordinary and she has not a single leg to stand on. 7am is not too early.
The four kids next door used to shriek until 10 pm every night in summer, I didn't see it as my business to tell them all to be quiet even though I like peace and quiet.
I now live in a village where I can't hear a sound and it's bliss.
I'd be inclined to tell her she is being incredibly unreasonable and to go and live somewhere else if she can't stand people.

I’m on your side apart from the children playing in the garden until 8pm.

My neighbours kids were outside running round, shouting and screaming until after 9pm last night and it is really annoying when you have kids yourself.

It’s far too hot to be shutting windows to try and get rid of the noise.

Repert her to environmental health about the dog shit in this weather that is Grim.. And rspca - ddogs surrounded by shit is an issue to them. And surely to her dc?
Get yourself a head set. Wear them whenever you see her coming! And stop following her orders.

I would tell her you will not live your life as she is dictating but as suits you. Be polite and civil and get on with your life. Children out until 8pm is fine. If they were teens they could be out until 9/10pm. You should be able to sit in your garden into the evening and chat and have a drink if you want to without being fearful. Some people are very weird about normal living noises.

I would just ignore her and continue to do whatever you want. If you don't get angry back she has nothing to battle against iykwim.

If she becomes more aggressive then tell her you will report her. She may not like you being outside at 8.30pm but frankly anywhere she lives will have people outside at 8.30pm, it's not even late. If she complains to her landlord or council then nothing will happen, she doesn't have a valid complaint.

May be worth logging what time you come in each night.

Scaffolding at 7am on a work day is hardly the biggest crime of the century either.

She was quite nasty with how she spoke to me and said she fell out with her last neighbours and she had to move and that she won’t put up with it

Point out to her that there's one common factor in the falling out with neighbours, and it isn't you.