If you are the more conventionally attractive partner, are you happier?

[HotSince82]

My mum always told me half jokinglynever to marry a man who is objectively better looking than me. Admittedly she had her fingers burned with my very physically attractive but rather objectionable philandering father. Conversely, my stepdad who was absolutely nothing to look at but a thoroughly lovely man, treated her extremely well, sort of worshipped her really. They were blissfully happy until he sadly died ten years ago.

Do you think my mum's theory holds any weight? Are you treated better on the whole by men who aren't quite as attractive as you?
Do attractive men think they have more leverage in a relationship and therefore treat you less favourably?

DH and I have been together around 20 years. I'd say when we were young we were both about equal in the attractiveness stakes - pretty good looking but not head turning I reckon. Annoyingly since around 40 he is ageing much better than I am (I'm not sure why - it's nothing obvious like significant weight gain - I just look more haggard!) but fortunately he seems not to have noticed this and I'm not going to point it out to him!

I think there's much more to it than how you look. I always remember DHs best mate saying "there's something so attractive about you" and not whatsoever in a creepy way (on a picnic with DH, him and his DW, and she agreed). I don't think I'm "pretty" at all, but I am self confident and outgoing. I look at pics of me and DH and think we're fairly evenly matched, probably he has the edge.

@Prayerwheel not always, no. However I do think that men on the whole place a disproportionate emphasis on looks, compared to women.
I do also believe that a man will love and value a woman more if he believes her to be beautiful/attractive etc. Other things are obviously important but men don't tend to fall in love unless they are overwhelmimgly physically attracted to a woman.

I am aware this is possibly going to be an unpopular opinion.

I was better looking than my exh but I wasn't happy cos he was a dick.Im around the same attractiveness as my dh.

I think my DH are a well matched couple tbh with neither more attractive than the other.

I think what makes me feel more secure in my relationship is that my DH is a very reserved man. Doesn't give a piece of himself to anyone except his family, he couldn't flirt if he was paid, talks to men and women exactly the same. It takes a lot to open him up, and I know a woman would have a damn hard job to infiltrate him.

I guess what I'm trying to say is however he looked, his personality and knowing what he's like certainly gives me comfort which makes me happier. Plus I think he wouldn't want to hurt me etc, but that's a side point in this.

Also I think that most couples are fairly well matched. I was thinking more specifically about the outliers.

I do also believe that a man will love and value a woman more if he believes her to be beautiful/attractive etc. Other things are obviously important but men don't tend to fall in love unless they are overwhelmimgly physically attracted to a woman.

And yet there are millions of plain women in the world who are married to men who love them and yes, believe they are attractive. There's no objective universal ranking for attractiveness. Is, I don't know, Keir Starmer more or less physically attractive than Priti Patel? Judi Dench compared to David Attenborough??

Mine is the other way round. Although I've been told I'm attractive I'm overweight so that obviously means thats it's unbelievable that I'm married
Dh is attractive with a for physique but is actually very shy and unconfident. At my sisters wedding my uncle asked dh why he had married me. When dh just looked rather confused my uncle replied 'well she is fat'
I don't think I would have felt secure, though, if dh was more attractive plus knowing it and being overly confident if that makes sense.

My ex was very comventionally attractive and I have to confess it drove me bonkers. He'd be aggressively flirted with right in front of me, had tons of female "friends" who were hanging round in hopes of a date, and people would comment when we were together along the lines of "why is he with her" (I'm pretty but I'm fat). He never cheated and I ended things with him for unrelated reasons but I did find it tough. DH is better looking than me but somehow we look "right" together. He is also a lot more publicly affectionate with me and more inclined to cut off anyone flirting with him!

@Prayerwheel of course there are. My interest was really specific in that it alluded to comparative attractiveness between partners, rather than an indviduals attractiveness per se.

And of course there is some degree of a universal scale of physical attractiveness. Its disingenous and/or denialism to suppose otherwise

Usually i am the slightly more attractive one (looking at past relationships). I had a 2 year relationship with someone very hot (model-esque). I felt a lot of pressure to look good and also he was vain, selfish and boring!

Current FWB isnt hot but he's charming as fuck and caring. I find him gorgeous because of those factors, even though im probs more conventionally good looking than him.

And of course there is some degree of a universal scale of physical attractiveness. Its disingenous and/or denialism to suppose otherwise

You're talking about conventional good looks symmetrical features etc as defined by western ideals of beauty in 2020. These things are hugely time- and culture-variable -- not so long ago, you would never have had women coming on Mn asking how they could use exercise to get a big ass, for instance. And of course they're also culture-specific. In some other cultures, fat is beautiful, and girls are sent to fat farms to fatten up to make them more marriageable, or pale skin is prized rather than a tan, or ear-stretching. Foot-binding used to be the ultimate in sexy.

@Prayerwheel apologies, I should have added the caveat that the OP was specific to our contemporary society and western cultural ideals.

Id say my DH is far far better looking than me, definitely was when we met. And if he was three inches taller....he'd be devastatingly traditionally handsome.

He's also funnier, smarter and quicker Witted than me.

But, we're a partnership that highlight each others positives, and round off the others negatives and spikey bits.

I know one man, who is a mix of Henry Cavill/Tom Ellis/Chris Evans, and yeah sure he's jaw droppingly gorgeous, but he's the biggest cheat and twat I've ever had the misfortune to meet.

Soooooo I sit on the fence haha

I'd say you're better off marrying a man who loves you more than you love him

^ My DM used to say this! I never asked why, but I assume she meant because men are more prone to stray biologically? My DF was/is very good-looking, but as loyal as they come.

This won't be advice I'll share with my DD, but I'm sure DM meant well.

I will say there is a fine line, though. If a man is too eager, it's off-putting.

I'm more conventionally attractive than my DH, but I always tended to go for substance, rather than looks...

This is so messed up.

No.

I have personally known a few good looking men, who have been as thick as two short planks, but thought that their good looks would score well with many women., and they did, but just with women who thought that good looks mattered more than intellect.

I started off being the more conventionally attractive one , which I never really thought about but perhaps I liked that he thought I was attractive... Now he's lost four stone, exercises a lot and has became more attractive while I've lost a bit of my shine.... And I really love it. I really love him either way . And he loves me either way.

I like this idea of taking turns.

With first serious relationship/ ex I’d say I was definitely the more attractive one - particularly back then! I’m not sure I totally saw it at the time but it’s pretty clear looking back. I was also more academic/better educated - I’m not sure if I’d say more intelligent but more ‘conventionally’ intelligent I suppose in the same way we’re talking about ‘conventionally attractive’. He might have had the grateful/in awe thing early on and we definitely had some good years where we both thought the other one was the best thing ever, but as time went on he definitely got more full of himself and he cheated on me a lot.

I’ve dated a range. It’s weird - it can be really subjective can’t it? I remember one ex who when I first met him I was full of how GORGEOUS he was and totally out of my league and there’s no way he could really be interested in me I must have tricked him somehow or have been wearing a particularly flattering dress etc. Looking back at pictures he really wasn’t all that.

Another ex was the most physically attractive man I’ve ever dated, possibly ever seen in real life. He certainly acted the most adoring when we were together, and made a show of worrying about other men too - but there was a fair amount of love bombing and game playing going on there and it’s an overused phrase on here but I suspect some narc tendencies. I’m glad I got out when I did, beautiful as he was.

I think husband and I are on a par. I might just have the edge (maybe not now at 8 months pregnant but generally) but I might be just telling myself that! Generally he’s a scruffy bastard though but when we’ve both made an effort I think we’re about similar.He definitely knows he’s lucky to have me but the feeling is mutual - we’re both lucky and I like feeling like we are in balance.

Me and my husband are both ugly. Seems to work for us

For some reason I have never been attracted to good looking men. Or maybe it’s the other way round, I’m not sure!

I had a long-term relationship with a very unusual looking man (being kind) plus he was a bit older than me and looked it. People did look twice at us and occasionally say something and it did make me self-conscious.

My exh and I were evenly matched in looks and I was comfortable with that.

My grandmother told me never to marry a handsome man because men get more attractive as they age and women less attractive, and he will have more options if he is too good-looking! Not sure how true that is though. I'd say DH and I are similarly average.

I knew I was more attractive then my DH when we married but thought it didn't matter, he was lovely and funny. However over the years the fun and charm has faded away (after kids) and I now wish I was more attracted to him! I am 10 years younger and sometimes notice good looking guys and I wonder if I settled for dependable and nice without the spark too quickly. sounds bad I know! I would never act upon this feeling.. DH is more in love and affectionate and I find it hard to reciprocate :-( not good! Although not everything.. I would say looks / attraction are definitely important and it can be a uncomfortable when you both don't feel the same level of being " in love" with each other.

People would often comment on how good looking my first H was. He was described as a handsome man.

He was a neurotic, sociopathic, emotionally abusive man. Plus to boot I did feel unequal to him in looks and constantly had hair/nails/treatments and starvation diets to feel his ‘equal’.

My now DH who is very much my equal isn’t as polished, but he has emotional intelligence and is educated and cultured. He knows a lot about a lot and can hold a conversation. He is kind and gentle and loves me for me. He isn’t in any way as ‘tall dark and handsome’ as my first, but he is in many many ways a better man.