If you are the more conventionally attractive partner, are you happier?

[HotSince82]

My mum always told me half jokinglynever to marry a man who is objectively better looking than me. Admittedly she had her fingers burned with my very physically attractive but rather objectionable philandering father. Conversely, my stepdad who was absolutely nothing to look at but a thoroughly lovely man, treated her extremely well, sort of worshipped her really. They were blissfully happy until he sadly died ten years ago.

Do you think my mum's theory holds any weight? Are you treated better on the whole by men who aren't quite as attractive as you?
Do attractive men think they have more leverage in a relationship and therefore treat you less favourably?

Interesting thread OP. I dated some men at uni who I found extremely attractive but sound rather like your DF! So I then settled for a steady long term reliable and much less attractive man for a few years who I could easily have married. Until one day I woke up and suddenly realised I had settled in terms of how attracted I was to my partner and how (and this does sound terribly arrogant) I was more attractive than him and I was sort of letting myself down. And then I felt guilty because I didn't want to feel that way. I immediately ended things and didn't want to lead him on from the minute I felt it but it was extremely sudden and just an overwhelming sense of "this is not the life I want to live" - I've never looked back since.

I'm single currently so who knows who I'll end up with next I'm currently working on building up my self esteem as I think I've had some issues over the last few years and honestly put up with a lot of rubbish from men who I thought were wonderful.

Definitely something in your theory though.

I don't think less attractive men treat women any better on average at all!

I also don't think having a partner who loves you more is the thing to strive for. I mean it would be hard to even create a dynamic like that....so you'd need to nearly go into it not intending to fall hard for them! In that case you'd need to have lower standards!

Also men who obsessively love their partners can be awful in all sorts of reasons and it's hard to escape from them.

My husband is much better looking than me. We were probably even when we got married 14 years ago, but I am ageing very badly and he is getting hotter and hotter. It’s now at the point where he is objectively very handsome, muscular and has great hair at 42. My friends comment and women check him out all the time. He’s a little bit older than me but he doesn’t look it at all.

He was an awkward teen and is oblivious to it. I don’t think he’s realised it’s happened to be honest. I tell him all the time and he says: “thank you my wife who loves me and of course thinks that” and laughs it off. In his mind he’s still that shy guy.

As far as him being hot - its good for me! I just try to enjoy it. 😜 He loves me a lot so I feel secure in that way.

I’ve dated far less attractive guys who thought they were really hot. Jerks. My husband is a handsome nice man.

I’m seen as highly attractive. I don’t think any past relationships were with men of equal or greater attractiveness (well one very famous star, for four months and I ended it - just wasn’t enough there. The good looking men never truly captured my imagination, or urged me to look deeper. Or perhaps I felt judged by them in return, or I assumed they would be vain; I don’t fancy vain men.

However I have had two proper relationships in my 30s and now early 40s. Both men who utterly seduced me but without nearly looks that match mine. They weren’t perfect looking in any way, but WOW they became perfect to me very quickly. My god, the brilliance, the creativity, the life experiences, the intellect, The ambition, the giant load being managed on huge shoulders, the sex, the ability to calm me down, the emotional intelligence and ability to listen. My husband is the second Of the men I am describing here, and I would say we have a VERY equal relationship. We each own our parts of our family life....I respect his brilliant thinking on so many subjects, - I love planning a chat with him about a new subject. So now I believe we understand each other so well....he loves that he has a good looking wife, sure, but he loves my mind the most. And I love to take my big bear of a husband out and let people hear him talk brilliantly about passionate subjects....so now no one who knows us both ever ask again “how did he get her?”.

I am sure we love each other entirely equally.

In the future I’d steer away from any man who was overly concerned / obsessed with his own appearance (and I don’t just mean good grooming and keeping themselves fit) particularly if they had insecurities about it...whether attractive or not. Ironically the man I’m referring to would probably be considered very conventionally attractive - but he didn’t feel it. I’m not talking about slight insecurity but a massive chip on his shoulder...comparing people in looks, talking about his own and other people’s looks. To be honest, I think some conventionally unattractive men have this chip thing going on too.

It’s not just a bit shallow, it’s boring and a turnoff and over time their Insecurities can rub off on their partners because much of the focus is on looks. End of day it’s vanity and I struggle to find that attractive in a man.

@LHReturns your marriage sounds great!!!! Looks are really irrelevant compared to the things that really endure in life. My husband is very handsome ..has NO idea that he is handsome. Why do I love him? Nothing to do with his looks. Because, when I met him, my best friend was dying. He would finish work and drive me 1.5hrs to hospital and I could sit with her. She died shortly afterwards and nothing would ever replace those visits to me. In my view, that's a REALLY handsome man.

In order for that to work he’d have to be both unattractive and shallow.

DH and I are both fairly attractive people. I’d struggle to say who is more attractive. I’m younger, he’s more athletic, I guess it depends on what you’re into to be blunt looks are irrelevant. He could be an Adonis but I wouldn’t want him if he stopped being kind, well mannered, interesting, driven etc. Likewise my husband tends to value other qualities above looks.

Thinking about it the majority of the couples we know are broadly equivalent attractiveness.

Don’t think you can generalise you sometimes get a handsome man devoted to a normal looking wife - think Jason Donovan and rob Lowe and Hugh jackman.

I never dated anyone who wasn't conventionally attractive until my 2nd husband. It's weird as I never thought about leagues at the time. I didn't realise how stunning I actually was until much later. I thought guys were just being nice to me ha! I was naive!

1stDH RIP was gorgeous. He looked exactly like a certain moviestar. He oozed charisma. He could talk to anyone and make them at ease. He wasn't a flirty bastard either. I don't think he knew how attractive he really was.

My 2nd DH now ex
Very tall and skinny nerdy type. Not conventionally attractive. Balding. Gorgeous eyes though. He was so insecure. He'd ask me why I was with I was with someone like him when I could date anyone. I truly loved him though.

When dating I veered wildly between good looking and not. Remember once in a club several different men asked me what I was doing with one ex 😁

I'd never say this in real life but I'm more attractive and look much younger than my age - this has raised comments from both sides.

I'm embarrassed to say what really freaked me out was his ex; I saw a picture of her with his mum and aunt and you would have thought they were of the same era! She's only five years older than him but assume sun damage and zero fucks about looking feminine e.g goes to a Barber for haircuts.

It confused me because I'm the opposite - hardly TOWIE but groomed; still maintaining nails and makeup during lock down!

@MsTSwift

When dating I veered wildly between good looking and not. Remember once in a club several different men asked me what I was doing with one ex 😁

Did you tell them not to be so fucking rude?

I've had this at times, I was incredulous at the arrogance of supposing that looks are the only thing someone offered me.

And then there's the fact that they were talking rubbish, they just didn't see what I saw,because they were superficial as hell.

@MrsGRamsay

His ex looking older embarrasses you? She looks old enough to be his mum? I think you veered off slightly to the point of this thread. But any excuse to stick the knife in eh?

Also men who obsessively love their partners can be awful in all sorts of reasons and it's hard to escape from them.

This is absolute truth.
Also, if you have kids with them, you can never escape them.

I don't understand how people decide what "league" they're in, or assess their own attractiveness. I routinely fancy men that my friends think are not attractive at all, and they have trie to set me up with men that don't appeal to me
I get some attention, but it's meaningless really.
Do people actively make these sorts of assessments when approached by the opposite sex

@roundandsideways

It is ridiculous, conventional attractiveness means nothing really. Chiseled good looks leave me cold , a crinkle round the eye and a cheeky smile... Now you're talking!

And personality means a lot when you're talking about general attractiveness. I would rather look and be with someone who is kind all day long.

My husband is a very attractive man. He loves me, treats me really well and has never been arrogant or vain. I always feel very lucky to be with him but for many more reasons than just his looks.

No I don’t agree. I’ve known partnerships that work really well in both extreme - conventionally hot husband + plain wife, and vice versa.
What made them last was that neither partner were narcissistic arseholes. They lifted each other and supported each other.

Vanity and money are the root of all evil.

Men tend to overrate their attractiveness I find.

If a man is really attractive he will get more opportunity to cheat and sometimes all a man needs is the opportunity.