If you are the more conventionally attractive partner, are you happier?

[HotSince82]

My mum always told me half jokinglynever to marry a man who is objectively better looking than me. Admittedly she had her fingers burned with my very physically attractive but rather objectionable philandering father. Conversely, my stepdad who was absolutely nothing to look at but a thoroughly lovely man, treated her extremely well, sort of worshipped her really. They were blissfully happy until he sadly died ten years ago.

Do you think my mum's theory holds any weight? Are you treated better on the whole by men who aren't quite as attractive as you?
Do attractive men think they have more leverage in a relationship and therefore treat you less favourably?

Oh Gosh, total text fail right there!

Try again....
My mum always told me half jokingly never to marry a man who is objectively better looking than me. Admittedly she had her fingers burned with my very physically attractive but rather objectionable philanderingfather. Conversely, my stepdad who was absolutely nothing to look at but a thoroughly lovely man, treated her extremely well, sort of worshipped her really. They were blissfully happy until he sadly died ten years ago.

Do you think my mum's theory holds any weight? Are you treated better on the whole by men who aren't quite as attractive as you?
Do attractive men think they have more leverage in a relationship and therefore treat you less favourably?

No, never occured to me. And attractiveness is very subjective and doesn't necessarily correlate with 'looks'.

I've definitely lowered my standards so as to feel more secure, but that's my problem.

My mum's only advice was to never settle for a man with a small willy. If I'm dating a man with a small doodah, her words go round and round in my head. 🙈

Thread made me really think!
This has been me my whole life. I've always been better looking than anyone I'm dating. I find that they worship you and treat you like you're really special, constantly compliment you, they feel grateful to be with you IYKWIM?

I think DH and I are about even... I also don't tend to go for conventionally attractive men...hang on, did I just call myself unattractive in a roundabout way ?

I know a very good looking man and he is a bit of a philanderer also, so maybe there is something to it. I'm sure there is research somewhere. Might have a Google.

@WinningEveryDay she definitely meant physical attractiveness.

People have joked that DP is punching, but that's generally the guys he knows. I would say we are on par in the looks department, he's probably the most conventionally handsome man I've ever been in a relationship with though.
I think some men are just dicks. Some men will definitely behave like dicks because they have an over inflated ego if they get a lot of attention because of their looks, but no, I wouldn't say it's a rule.

I totally get where you're coming from and in the past for me, it's been true. I always went for men who were less attractive because I have no self confidence whatsoever after a shit childhood so I would never dare to go for really good looking men. However, even I can see that my husband is way less attractive than me but he's still a total arsehole. I used to worship the ground he walked on, gave him lots of compliments, was really loving and thoughtful but he's still a nasty, cheating, abusive wanker.

If the man is much less good looking, and not genuinely self confident (vs just cocky), you can get a much bigger issue, of insecurity, jealously, possessiveness then abuse. I think the control and abuse is designed to wear you down so you don't run away ...but it actually makes you want to run away. 😂

Burned a couple of times quite badly and never again.

I'd say you're better off marrying a man who loves you more than you love him. Not in a horrible way. Obviously you will love him to marry him. But he should love you the more. That way he is less likely to turn disinterested or abusive when kids and life gets in the way of romantic bliss.

I'm not drop dead gorgeous but I am "good looking " I suppose. I didn't have many ex Bf's before my exH but majority were less attractive. My exH was not very good looking at all, very insecure and treated me like shit but he was definitely a narcissist so not sure if they are related. Current partner is a hottie, hopefully not more so than me

No, I think your mother's theory is ridiculous, and based on (a) a fairly shallow idea of power dynamics in relationships and (2) on a sample size of two.

My mother, for instance, thinks that all men are self-absorbed, routine-bound and incapable of talking either to women or about anything other than tools. This is because her sample size is one, my father., who is almost certainly on the autistic spectrum. The existence of my spontaneous, talkative husband with his primarily female friendships somehow doesn't compute.

The plainest boyfriend I ever had was the biggest PITA as far as flirting with other women went. He said it was because feeling ugly made him seek female approval. Might have been an excuse, might have been true but I dumped him ofc.

So, basically I think philandering can come from insecurity as well as from overconfidence, and that if a man is going to cheat or flirt, he will use any old excuse when caught. 🤷🏽‍♀️

@PicsInRed completely agree, when the man is less good looking (because generally men go for looks more than us women) they are very insecure and funny. I haven't very often seen it the other way round or at least not many people I know. An old friend who I don't speak to anymore does have a better looking partner and she was a bit insecure about it.

ThatLockdownLyfe

Ahhh, mine loved me more...but he assumed I'd leave him so abused me to try to keep me.

Maybe someone with great self confidence... who also loves you more. 😂

I was better looking than my exh, it made him very insecure and he thought I was only with him for security he may have had a point but it was his horrible personally which made me leave, not his looks (which were fine at the time) he's short, fat & balding now

I’d not tell him, but my husband is undoubtedly more traditionally good looking than me and always has been. That doesn’t make him more attractive necessarily though.
I think over the years a few people have wondered how we ended up together and thought me lucky when only looks are considered. Often they change their mind when they really know us and understand far better how our relationship works. Usually they end up saying he’s the lucky one because I make him happy. I am more gregarious and have a sillier streak. I am more optimistic than him and bring out a more positive and social side in him.
He is at his happiest making me happy.

My partner is much better looking than me. I like it

I am better looking and i agree with your mum, op. Handsome men tend to be vain, which is understandable when your looks alone opened so many doors for you its understandable youd want to maintain it.
They are also lazier in bed, want the woman to initiate things, keeps women as friends when its clear they have a crush on him, in relations he misses the attention.
Cheating is much easier as he will always have offers left right and centre.

I’d say I’m slightly better looking than my partner but it’s pretty neck and neck. I just make more effort I suppose. If he was a lot better looking than me I think it would make me feel insecure if he was getting women falling at his feet. I also hate arrogance which some very handsome men can be.

Also men overestimate their attractiveness and women underestimate theirs...with the exception of Brick.

Hmmmm, I’m not sure. I think about equal is better. Thinking over my longish term relationships

#1. Much less attractive than I was and very jealous, controlling and abusive.

#2. More attractive than me. Constantly had his head turned and I felt a lot of pressure to maintain my weight, do my makeup, etc.

#3. Less attractive than me. Lovely person but fragile mental health and relied on me too much for emotional support that I wasn’t capable of giving.

#4. Fiancé and father of my DD. Probably about equal given my current weight, I would have been regarded as more conventionally attractive back when I was slimmer. (I think he’s hot af but he’s definitely not everyone’s type!) Both adore each other, I never feel insecure or under pressure to make myself up, I really don’t think either of us would ever cheat.

I think the advice to marry a man who is more in love with you than vice versa is good advice.
I suppose that probably correlates with looks. It shouldn't in an ideal world but men are very visually driven aren't they?

I think the advice to marry a man who is more in love with you than vice versa is good advice. I suppose that probably correlates with looks. It shouldn't in an ideal world but men are very visually driven aren't they?

Do you honestly think that the less conventionally-attractive person in any relationship is always more in love than the better-looking one? Do you think people have an accurate perception of their own looks, or that there's some objective set of 0 to 10 universal rankings?

I have to say I've found relationships where the other person was more in love than I was kind of annoying -- it was like being fawned over by an over-affectionate dog, or you felt they were always silently looking for something you couldn't give them.