I love my wife but feel I can't be myself

[Srob70]

I've been married for eight months, and have been in the main happy, but we have had two arguments where I've nearly walked out on her. I'm 50 (she's 55) and have never been married before, so know that this be life changing. My wife has been married twice before. I moved in with her as I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her. So I am in the process of renting my house out. I work, but she doesn't due to arthritis. We don't sleep together, do to health issues and I sleep on the couch, which I admit makes me feel like a lodger. I'm currently clearing my house to rent it, though she want me to sell it and my possessions going into storage. I would like a workshop in the garden for my tool's (it's a man thing) but she at first was against, as it would be a place to store my crap. The latest argument was a petty one over me wanting to go and clear some rubbish early, and get the shopping done and not wanting to spend time with her, she got upset which made me lose my temper (coffee cup thrown in sink) and which point she told me to leave. I find it difficult to talk to her as it usually ends in upsetting her and I'm made to feel like it's all my fault. She says she gives me everything, her house, she cleans and cooks, (even sex, which hurts me if she classes it a chore) and I should spend my spare time with her. I work all week and only have the weekends free though Saturdays I do the weekly shop. I feel that I have compromised enough, I don't have any time for walking or my allotment, I've given up my home to be with the woman I love. I currently feel that I'm the one that has to do all the comprising to fit in with my wife, or am I being unreasonable?

Blimey this sounds miserable. What's in it for you?
Suggest you go back to your house for sone time to think what to do.
Eg, she doesn't work as ages ill, can't she do an online shop to be delivered whilst you are working.
Why are you sleeping on the sofa?

I agree with above. Why can’t she do an online shop while you work?

Why are you on the sofa and not in the bed or a different bed.

She gives you her house yet all your stuff is going into storage? Why isn’t it going into her place so it feels like it’s both of yours.

It sounds grim. You can be married and live separately. Or not be married at all and be happy by yourself. Don't sell your house though.

That does not sound like a happy life.

You seem to be giving yourself up to be with someone who, appears, to want a different you.

This sounds very unhappy. Try going back to your house and see if you're happier living without her.

I think you need to move back to your flat. As someone said you need time to think. Perhaps as you've only been married 8 months see a solicitor and get legal advice in case you decide to separate.

If my new partner was forcing me to sleep on the sofa I would be questioning what the point of the relationship is.

Don't sell your house, you are going to need it sooner rather than later.

You shouldn't be on the sofa, that is worse than a lodger. I don't understand if she is well enough to have sex with you why can't you share a bed? Or why don't you swap to two singles or have the spare room?

There seems to be so much wrong with this relationship I'm not sure where else to start.

Yep. Get some time out from each other. Why does she want you to sell up? Is she controlling?

Go back to your own house. Or certainly put plans to rent or sell it on hold. This isn't right.

As a well known poster on the site would say - what are you getting out of this relationship?. I would agree with pp that you should go back to your place and think about how you see your future life ?.

How long have you been together and why did you marry?
It sounds like you're both miserable. Move back to your own house then at least you'll have a bed and definitely don't sell!

@Srob70
It doesn't sound like you are in equal relationship at all. There's so much already negative in your marriage only 8 months in. Did the two of you know each other a long time before you got married- and what discussions did you have before making such a commitment about your expectations of how your lives together would be?

It sounds as though she's complaining about the sacrifices she's making since you are in "her house" rather than making room for the person she loves, and who loves her, in a new life together. It does seem odd you are sleeping on the sofa and not even in the spare room - why is that?

It sounds like you both need to adapt to each other more but I also think you should NOT consider selling your house, but continue renting for now, not just for the extra income (I assume you are already contributing financially to the shared home) but in case this relationship doesn't work out for you. It will be much easier, wherever you are along this road, to take back possession of a tenanted house than to start the process from scratch of moving out and researching and purchasing a new home if this marriage doesn't work out.

I hope things work out for you both. 🌹

It sounds tough, but I do think that when you marry a little older it’s tougher to compromise on the little things as you’ve grown so used to your own ways of doing things.

The house thing - not sure why the push to sell, but can see why you’d rent it out. You’re married, why would you leave an additional house sitting empty?

The shed - tricky - again this is what I meant by compromise being hard. If dh suddenly wanted an extra shed I think I’d be “is it just going to have crap in it”? But of course wouldn’t “not allow it”.

The sleeping on the sofa sounds bloody miserable - but you’ve said it’s for health reasons. Sleeping on separate rooms isn’t that unusual in instances where someone has a chronic condition like arthritis - but it should be a separate bedroom, not the bloody sofa.

The time thing sounds bad though. Yes you do want to spend time together but not to the point where you don’t have any free moment for yourself.

So she’s now entitled to half your house and your pension, and she’s done it twice before.
Do you really want to live this way for the rest of your life ?
I think you need to go back to live in your house and get legal advice.

You have given up so much to be with her, so this new life for you should be better yeah ? Have a serious think to yourself, and ask yourself are you happier now ? If there’s parts that you’re not happier with, can you change them ?

Whatever conclusion you come to, Don’t Sell Your House !!

Don't sell your house.

As many of the previous posters have said, please, please do not sell your house.

I'd be seriously considering what is in this for you? Ending a marriage isn't a failure, even after 8 months (but think you might need to wait for 12 months to apply for a divorce).

After a short marriage and no kids, I think the default position is to go back to largely what you came into it with. However don't sell your house. Maybe try and get a free half hour with a solicitor.

This sounds so miserable. Do not sell your house, in fact I think you should move back there and give yourself the space to think about what you want. I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like a happy relationship at all. Why do you have to sleep on the sofa? Why is your wife not able to sort the shopping so you don't have to do it on Saturdays? It shouldn't be like this, especially only 8 months in. Please take some time to really think about what you are getting g from this relationship. You deserve to be in a fulfilling happy relationship.

Do you love her though? Really? Even though ( in your Own words she treats you like a lodger? You can’t do your hobbies, you work all week to provide, and you sleep on the sofa, so I have to assume it’s one bed place? Yet you have a house

Don’t sell your house. In fact I would be moving back to it so at least I get a decent nights sleep before work, and be thinking long and hard about this marriage

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

She’s making you so unwelcome!!

Think clearly

Do not sell your house
Move back to get space

Go back to your house don’t rent it out you need a bed so sleep in you sound like a slave

I feel like I’m reading a different post to PP?...

First, what’s with the sexist shite about “man’s tools”, and secondly what on earth are you doing throwing things in a temper? Why when she brings up the issue that she feels like you’re not spending enough time with her do you dismiss this as petty? Why are you blaming her for losing your temper, are you not in control of your own behaviour?
If you feel she doesn’t want to have sex with you, why aren’t you addressing that instead of complaining that she’s hurting your feelings and carrying on having sex with her regardless? Why does it come across as though you think you should be able to do what you like, never mind how she feels, at the weekend just because you work?

Don't sell your home and go back there. You are both too old to compromise, I'm not being ageist I'm 58.
There is a reason she has been married twice and this is probably it. You will be divorce number 3.

there's nothing wrong with staying married but living apart. you both have set ideas about what a good life is like and neither of you should have to be miserable trying to squish those choices together into a single home. you want to spend as much time as possible with her, but actually as much time as possible is not every minute you aren't at work.

if you do want to live together she will need to sell her house too, and you buy a house together with at least 2 more rooms and an outdoor building so that you can have your own bedroom and can keep your stuff.

getting rid of all your possessions, giving up all your former solo leisure activities and sleeping on a couch without any space of your own is not a good life.