I love my wife but feel I can't be myself

[Srob70]

I've been married for eight months, and have been in the main happy, but we have had two arguments where I've nearly walked out on her. I'm 50 (she's 55) and have never been married before, so know that this be life changing. My wife has been married twice before. I moved in with her as I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her. So I am in the process of renting my house out. I work, but she doesn't due to arthritis. We don't sleep together, do to health issues and I sleep on the couch, which I admit makes me feel like a lodger. I'm currently clearing my house to rent it, though she want me to sell it and my possessions going into storage. I would like a workshop in the garden for my tool's (it's a man thing) but she at first was against, as it would be a place to store my crap. The latest argument was a petty one over me wanting to go and clear some rubbish early, and get the shopping done and not wanting to spend time with her, she got upset which made me lose my temper (coffee cup thrown in sink) and which point she told me to leave. I find it difficult to talk to her as it usually ends in upsetting her and I'm made to feel like it's all my fault. She says she gives me everything, her house, she cleans and cooks, (even sex, which hurts me if she classes it a chore) and I should spend my spare time with her. I work all week and only have the weekends free though Saturdays I do the weekly shop. I feel that I have compromised enough, I don't have any time for walking or my allotment, I've given up my home to be with the woman I love. I currently feel that I'm the one that has to do all the comprising to fit in with my wife, or am I being unreasonable?

Skyla it sounds as though she does all the cooking and cleaning so I don’t see how he’s a slave. And if I were just married and waiting on my partner hand and foot by cooking and cleaning for them I mean yeah, I’d expect the benefits of a loving relationship, with time spent together, alongside the drudge. It’s very hard to tell from the OP whether she is actually asking him to spend ALL his time with her, or whether he is a hobby person who spends most of the weekend outside the house. I’ve no idea why posters have automatically assumed it’s the first option, especially given the OP is presenting the fact he’s moved in with her as proof of his devotion - that’s a totally normal thing to do when you get married

Go home, OP. Neither of you is exhibiting healthy relationship behaviours. If you're even considering the possibility of this relationship being as acceptable in its current state, I'd suggest some counselling for you, on your own, to have a look at why your boundaries are so poor.

What hobbies and socials does she have? If she’s not got interests or friends and is solely dependant on you for interaction and entertainment then I would be concerned as it’s a lot on your shoulders, when in fact you might want to enjoy your own hobbies and socials In addition to being with her

@velourvoyageur He was going out to do shopping and clear rubbish - things that aren’t exactly fun but need to be done and benefit both of them. So he’s working during the week then doing a share of drudge at the weekend.

he says he not time for walking or his allotment so sounds like he’s given up his other hobbies.

Together with sleeping on the couch and being told to sell my house and not being allowed a shed (annoying it’s a man thing comment aside) I’d be very pissed off at this suffocating set up.

Oh what a horrible situation for you

Find someone who treats you like you're amazing, not someone who makes you sleep on the sofa

I don't want to attribute blame to either side. OP it is clear it's not working. Go see a solicitor, there are special circumstances for those married less than a year. Protect your assets now, just in case as other PP suggest that you are a third 'victim'. PS I think that you deserve to sleep in a bed even if it isn't in the same bedroom as your spouse.

So she’s now entitled to half your house and your pension

Not necessarily. She already has a house of her own that would also then be a joint asset. She was also able to support herself prior to their short marriage and no dependants.

Move back into your own house and divorce her.
You have a shit marriage unfortunately and it will never change.
Get out now.

If you had known this was what it would be like would you have gone ahead with marrying? Would she?

It's only 8 months. Neither of you sound happy....you're throwing stuff in temper and she's not treating you as an equal in what is now supposed to be your home.

Don't sell your house. Talk to a counselor. by yourself to understand how you feel .Try to make decisions based on the relationship you're in not the one you wish you were in. Stay respectful and kind even if the situation is not sustainable. Don't be the type of man who gives themselves permission to throw stuff etc to show how angry their partner has made them.

velour untwist yourknickers they are obviously hurting. why does op wanting a work shed for his tools make it sexist ? some men like their sheds for hobbies, i know a woman who has fashioned out a shed for writing in and calls it her domain, she joking says dh is barred from it unless he's bringing her tea and cake.
op, you've been married such a short time go back to your house and live the life you want to have. this isn't a loving marriage it seems she's taking the mickey and you are moping it up. throwing a coffee cup into the sink as a one off isn't abusive behaviour, you having to sleep on the sofa isn't brilliant, being asked /told to sell your house and store your stuff is somewhat controlling on her part.

Why is everyone overlooking the fact that he throws things when angry? How is he the victim here?

Deborah I take your point, but don’t think I said that he did nothing, more that he’s not a slave and she pulls her weight.

Why hasn’t he bought a sofabed or come up with some other solution after 8 months? It’s a joint choice on their parts, stop demonising her. Think the line into martyrship has been crossed a while ago.

I hope she does leave because I feel pretty sorry for her.

You're not compatible.

Recycled did you see the bit where he calls it a “man thing” though? IMO if you come on MN and ask for advice as a man, at the very least don’t be sexist.
Also don’t think I said he was abusive anywhere, so why did that word come to your mind? Lol

I’m not sure her suggesting he sells his house is controlling - it’s a normal thing to consider, surely?

Life is too short for this shit. Why would you want to sleep on the sofa?! I know you say you have medical conditions but can't you get a bigger bed or even a bed in another room?!

he threw ONE cup into the sink velour whilst angry it's hardly a big deal that's probably why noone else seems to think [me included] it's really worth talking about. noone should have to be sleeping on the sofa or a put you up.
she won't leave him because he's leaving in HER house, he needs to move back to his own home.

Bottom line, it isn't working. Go home. See a solicitor. You haven't been married long, don't make it into a life sentence.

*he's living in her house.

I agree he should leave Recycled, esp. since she seems to have already asked him to do so.

Velour it's nothing personal but we obviously see this differently and whilst i am not buying into the sexist shit because that is another thread, i don't get the lol aspect of your last post, what was so amusing ?

Oh, it was sarcastic. HTH.

I don't think this looks good, TBH. I agree with others that you musn't sell your house.

I've been with people in the past who had this kind of jealousy and possessiveness over how I spend my time, and objection whenever I wanted to do anything that doesn't involve them. You can't satisfy them (well, I don't know - maybe if you actually give your whole life up to that and think of nothing but them from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep you can, but is that the life you want and will it make you happy?).

Ultimately I think it's a kind of pathology, something deeply wrong that they can only ameliorate by the constant reassurance of another person's focus on them.

I don't agree when people advise for marriages to end so easily. Have you been to counselling? If not you do need to try everything before ending things.

Generally I'd agree with you Immigrantsong but they're older and don't (apparently) have any children together, and haven't been married long, so the consequences of separating are less drastic.

I also wonder whether the fact that the OP's DW is already twice divorced is a clue, and whether her neediness just makes her fundamentally impossible to live with.

@FifteenToes

Generally I'd agree with you Immigrantsong but they're older and don't (apparently) have any children together, and haven't been married long, so the consequences of separating are less drastic.

I also wonder whether the fact that the OP's DW is already twice divorced is a clue, and whether her neediness just makes her fundamentally impossible to live with.

I agree. This is not a marriage worth saving; it comes through crystal clear in the OP ... and, here, I would say that two previous marriages should be ringing alarm bells.