I love my wife but feel I can't be myself

[Srob70]

I've been married for eight months, and have been in the main happy, but we have had two arguments where I've nearly walked out on her. I'm 50 (she's 55) and have never been married before, so know that this be life changing. My wife has been married twice before. I moved in with her as I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her. So I am in the process of renting my house out. I work, but she doesn't due to arthritis. We don't sleep together, do to health issues and I sleep on the couch, which I admit makes me feel like a lodger. I'm currently clearing my house to rent it, though she want me to sell it and my possessions going into storage. I would like a workshop in the garden for my tool's (it's a man thing) but she at first was against, as it would be a place to store my crap. The latest argument was a petty one over me wanting to go and clear some rubbish early, and get the shopping done and not wanting to spend time with her, she got upset which made me lose my temper (coffee cup thrown in sink) and which point she told me to leave. I find it difficult to talk to her as it usually ends in upsetting her and I'm made to feel like it's all my fault. She says she gives me everything, her house, she cleans and cooks, (even sex, which hurts me if she classes it a chore) and I should spend my spare time with her. I work all week and only have the weekends free though Saturdays I do the weekly shop. I feel that I have compromised enough, I don't have any time for walking or my allotment, I've given up my home to be with the woman I love. I currently feel that I'm the one that has to do all the comprising to fit in with my wife, or am I being unreasonable?

I agree, I can see how putting the kettle on, could appear in a passive aggressive way, but genuinely believe that if I told her I've had enough alcohol for one evening, the outcome would be the same. I did suggest we seek counselling, but her response was that I needed it not us. It seems that if I gave her 24 hours every day, she'd be angry that I'm not giving her 26!

Op would you like to spend the next forty years living like this?

No hobbies, church, family visits or bird watching. You describe a miserable, soulless life where you get to make all of the sacrifices (sleeping on a sofa, the loss of the life as you know it) whilst she continues as before from the comfort of her own bed, and does not makes a single adjustment to make you feel welcome.

You are only eight months in your marriage this should be the best part, the honeymoon stage. This is the best it is going to get.

I am afraid to say most of us with arthritis can have picnics, walks and a normal life, so unless she is extremely ill and bed bound, then actually these activities will HELP her condition. We are encouraged to move and stay as flexible as possible.

I would move back home or look to sell your house and move elsewhere to start again op. I can't see her ever moving to allow you to have a family home together, and to even be able to sleep in a proper bed again, and what kind of you life are you going to have as you head into old age sleeping on the sofa? I think this is cruel actually.

I would cut my losses and take my chances of finding a new home or moving back to your old home, and in time finding someone kind and welcoming who is happy to share their life with you in every way. You deserve a better life than this. I wish you every happiness.

How old is her son / grandson? Does she look after him all day at the moment?

How much time does she have for herself or with other adults?

How much time do you have for yourself?

How much time do you send together not cooking or washing or doing chores?

My husband and I are the same age as you and your wife but your lifestyle seems more like our parent's who are 20-30 years older than us.

You say you are mostly happy. Are those two incidents the only times you have argued or is it more frequent?

I think it is disingenuous to speak about her two previous marriages and compare it to you never being married when you have had at least one long term relationship where you lived together as if married.

I think you should split asap. The longer you are together, the more assets of yours she has whereas she co-owns her only asset and has a son to provide for so you will lose out. Did you go on holidays together before lockdown? She sounds very insula, seems she never goes out anymore.
I think on balance she's found someone who she thinks is a soft touch that she can control. It sounds like her previous experience of abuse has coloured her view of men to the extent that they are now merely just to be used as you are being.
Don't give up any more of your yourself, it will only end in misery, I think you need to move out and find yourself again as soon as you can, then you will gain perspective about just how much she is using you out of convenience. I doubt she even likes men, she certainly doesn't respect you.

You can’t continue sleeping on the sofa. That’s not going to help you or your relationship. Go back to your home to see if this distance gives you some perspective. Perhaps see if you can continue your marriage while living apart. Don’t make any rash decisions though. You can’t apply for a divorce until 12 months have elapsed so you both have time to reflect.

Personally I think moving into someone else’s home is often likely to be a challenge as they see it as theirs. Therefore when you want to make changes or have a shed in the garden they are perhaps more likely to have a negative opinion than when you have both invested in a home together.

Find some activities you can both enjoy together too. Can she join you at the allotment? It’s hard to see from your posts what the attraction was in the beginning given you seem to have few / no shared interests.

Think carefully about how you move forwards. Maybe counselling (on your own) will help clarify and confirm things for you.

I wish you well.

Yes, these are isolated incidents, and I feel guilty as re-reading my last posts it's she is really awful, but she is also capable of being the most loving person, which is the reason I married her. She isn't bed bound at all and capable of normal activities but in constant pain. I have told her not to do the house work if it's too much. Her grandson is 17 and spends most of his time in his room or with his girlfriend. I agree that gentle exercise might help her, but she doesn't seem to want to. This is also been an argument, as I find sitting on the sofa for a long time both tiring and painful, so need to get up and move. Which she takes as me not wanting to spend time with her. The other week we were on the sofa and I got up to do the dishes and afterwards folded the washing away, at which point my wife said "if you don't want to be with me, just say and I'll go to bed". This was after being sat happily or so I thought on the sofa for the last two hours.

No abusive person is really awful all of the time. That's what makes it so difficult to call time. Just because you have taken a wrong turn by getting into this situation does not mean you have to stay enmeshed in it. You're not happy. She's not happy. Go back to your own place.

She sounds needy and very draining, I could not be with someone that insisted I sit on a sofa when I don't want to, or made me sleep on one!!

I would leave in a heartbeat, nothing you describe is healthy or enjoyable, and even if she is 'loving' I don't consider sleeping on a sofa kind or loving. Nor keeping you away from the things you love.

Go home and reevaluate if this is really what you want for your future.

This sounds like there’s an agenda on her part to control you and benefit from your cash, income etc. Would she pursue your estate if you split? If she would, then there’s the proof that she’s in it for what she can get.

My uncle narrowly avoided a similar situation with a 50 something control freak. He had to pay her to reestablish herself in her own property after she’d moved in.

She wanted his death in service benefit switching from another family member and writing in to his will. She hadn’t any of her own money and no pension to speak of.

Good luck.

Apart for work and shopping I spend most of my time with her. She has no adult friends that I know off, except her mum and brother and his wife, and even didn't want to go to her cousin's wedding last year. We were given a weekend away by my boss as a wedding present, but she either disliked the hotel or it was too far way.

When I left on Saturday, I am back with her for the time being, though at work now. Did I do the right thing to walk out? If I stayed after she told me to go, it could seem aggressive behaviour, but because I went, she accused me of leaving her to "fester, without any means of support". I would love for her to be independent, but doing shopping on my own and being in charge of the bills is a form of unintentional control? It is true that I tend to "walk away" either physical or emotionally from situations.

For now I'm going to seek counselling on my own, as I know my wife won't.

Run run run as fast as you can. Looks like you’ve found yourself a crazy one.
Things will never get better. All she wants is a slave (your not married to my ex are you?)
Mine wanted me to move into the shed so I moved into my campervan then moved my campervan as far away as possible.
Your already being treated badly and that’s after 8 months! What’s it going to be like in 1-2-5 years time. When you don’t have your own house to move back to?

You both sound like you are 80, not 50 !

You work FT, but sleep on the sofa ?

You have given up all your hobbies ?

This is not a good life

Personally, I would go back to your own property & end the relationship

Your wife definitely needs to do some moderate exercise and look at alternative therapy which can help to alleviate some of the pain associated with arthritis. However you need to get your self respect back and I’m sorry but I can’t see your relationship lasting. You sound old before your time and I think you would have a more positive and fulfilled life being single. Leave her to it.

You both sound like you are 80, not 50 !

Yes, that's what leaps out at me from your posts, even allowing for ill health in both. Honestly, OP, this relationship is making your miserable, and you sound more like her hired carer than her newly-married spouse. Eight months in, this should be the honeymoon period, despite your illnesses.. I would walk away, reclaim your own house and your independence. This isn't working for anyone.

Oh op the more you post the worse she sounds. A pp called her needy and draining, and i think that's spot on. This relationship doesn't seem to enhance your life at all, so what's the point? You are still young, go back to your own house and have a really good think about what you want.

you sound more like her hired carer than her newly-married spouse

I agree with this. She seems to be wanting your 24/7 support maybe because she fears being alone or being independent...or simply can’t be.

If she had not been married before I might assume she is struggling to adjust to married life. Do you know anything about her previous husbands / marriages?

There is very little in this for you and unless she agrees to going for counselling with you there is little hope of change. If she were willing to seek help then I might feel differently but there is nothing in your post that indicates she has insight into her difficulties or a desire to do things differently.

Pain is really difficult to deal with but there is help available and I wonder if she is accepting of this help?

This is no life for you. I am so sorry it has worked out this way. Please don’t waste your life though. Think hard about what you want and please keep your flat...it’s your bolthole.

Take care.

This just sounds difficult and wearing for everyone. You're living like a temporary guest, or sleep-in carer. Her son is now living like a lodger, confined to his room, without normal access to the living room. (He might seem happy enough with that for now but it is an erosion of family life).

Is the expectation that the son will move out for university and you'll take that room? How does everyone feel about that?

It sounds very much as though your DW wants you to fit in with her but not vice versa. Partly that's because it's her house, which does make change, to a set-up she likes and is used to, really hard. It sounds like more than that though, as though she views you as 'the husband', there to slot into the gaps in her life, not as a person in his own right.

You both need to be able to talk to each other properly, without getting angry or storming off.

Throwing things is totally unacceptable. I note that pp said 'some people' might experience this as aggression or violence. No shit Sherlock!

WOW

What on earth are you doing with that selfish creature?

Get yourself out of your 'lodgings' and move back into your own home. She will dictate to you the rest of your life and you will either submit or become resentful - get out now whilst you have somewhere to live!

She sounds horrendous, bless you. Go back home. You don't have to get divorced but god, she sounds a nightmare to live with and I bet this is why you are husband number three!

To be fair these were never going to be the easiest eight months in which to start married life, and that's putting it mildly.

In any new marriage there are going to be some stresses and strains. In my experience it's the first twelve months or so when you sort out various issues between you that never occurred to you beforehand. Add to that all the difficulties and uncertainties of the present time, add in health issues for you both and I'd say you both might actually have done quite well, all things considered. I'm sure longstanding married couples all round the country may well have been having a few frank and forthright discussions during lockdown! 😄

Just a different perspective for you both to consider. Is there any chance you could sit down together and have a really good talk about things? Be kind to each other, these are not easy times for any of us.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

This does sound like a joyless arrangement.

Yy to getting counselling for yourself, and creating space for you too. It is harder to marry and compromise later in life, as you have your own interests, your own belongings with history, your own routines, which are all part of who you are.

Your relationship reminds me of my lovely Aunt, who was engaged at your age, but found that they really couldn't live together, and be happy. In the end they agreed to live in their separate houses, but dated three or four times a week - dinners out, shopping together, walks, evenings in to watch a film, or whatever. It worked for them . . . for 30 years!

Hope that you find a way forward . . .

PS I should also add that you are not unreasonable to want to carve out a little bit of space for some of your things. If this is to be your home now it is important that it feels like home. Currently you don't even have a bedroom. Explain that calmly and kindly to your wife.

Yes I believe her last husband left after 23 years, because he couldn't handle her mood swings. She has said that her son won't always be living here than I can have his room, but I honestly don't think this will be soon. I feel that a lot of anger comes from fear that I will leave her, which I will if this isn't addressed. When I have talked to her she has put the blame souly on me, ruining her weekend. Although I fully accept that I'm partially to blame. Unless she accepts that this relationship is made from two equals, I cannot see a future for us.