I love my wife but feel I can't be myself

[Srob70]

I've been married for eight months, and have been in the main happy, but we have had two arguments where I've nearly walked out on her. I'm 50 (she's 55) and have never been married before, so know that this be life changing. My wife has been married twice before. I moved in with her as I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her. So I am in the process of renting my house out. I work, but she doesn't due to arthritis. We don't sleep together, do to health issues and I sleep on the couch, which I admit makes me feel like a lodger. I'm currently clearing my house to rent it, though she want me to sell it and my possessions going into storage. I would like a workshop in the garden for my tool's (it's a man thing) but she at first was against, as it would be a place to store my crap. The latest argument was a petty one over me wanting to go and clear some rubbish early, and get the shopping done and not wanting to spend time with her, she got upset which made me lose my temper (coffee cup thrown in sink) and which point she told me to leave. I find it difficult to talk to her as it usually ends in upsetting her and I'm made to feel like it's all my fault. She says she gives me everything, her house, she cleans and cooks, (even sex, which hurts me if she classes it a chore) and I should spend my spare time with her. I work all week and only have the weekends free though Saturdays I do the weekly shop. I feel that I have compromised enough, I don't have any time for walking or my allotment, I've given up my home to be with the woman I love. I currently feel that I'm the one that has to do all the comprising to fit in with my wife, or am I being unreasonable?

I think you have summed it up OP.

First of all, you are not a lodger! Waiting for her son to leave so you can have a bedroom is not really acceptable unless you are happy with such an arrangement and able to sleep well on a sofa. I know I wouldn’t!

And yes, I’m sure she might be fearful you will leave but it would be good for her to remember that she doesn’t have to follow old patterns of behaviour and could perhaps do things differently this time so that this marriage works. Perhaps she is carrying baggage from the past which has the potential to ruin her (and your) present which is why counselling may be useful. However you can’t force someone to have counselling so maybe go it alone and see what happens. Work out what you want. The rest will follow.

Good luck!

Unless she accepts that this relationship is made from two equals, I cannot see a future for us

This something that should be established at the start of a relationship, and not waver. It's not something you start without, and learn as you go along.

If she doesn't see you as equal, the only thing that will make her respect you more is your setting and sticking to boundaries. However this also means that she won't get what she wants from you, so she's unlikely to like it. You need to split up.

Surely, if you were that important to her, and she was genuinely afraid you would leave, she wouldn't for a moment think it was acceptable to have you sleep on the sofa nightly, like an unexpected (and unwanted) guest?

Unless she accepts that this relationship is made from two equals, I cannot see a future for us

This.

You can not continue to be treated like a second class citizen in your marriage and 'home', so either she opens up and allows both of you the chance to be happy and move to a new future (with a bed) or you call it a day. I would not waste time and money going to counselling on your own, as it seems the person that needs it most will not be there to receive the help required to keep this marriage going.

Personally I couldn't stay, and would look to leave asap. It is okay to say we tried and it didn't work.

Thanks apple222, we both have baggage from previous relationships. I had councilling previously, to help with come to terms with my bereavement, so hopefully I can get the same councillor, as she knows my baggage already, but due to social distancing it's difficult.

How did you meet your wife, if she doesn't leave the house, did she used to go out ?

Has she made an appointment with her GP to review her medication & be referred to the pain clinic ?

However, I strongly believe that if you want a future with weekends away, holidays & hobbies, then this is not the woman for you

You need to have a long, hard think about your future

50 is too young, to be living a life of an 80+ year old with nothing to look forward to !

We met 3 years ago though a mutual friend, we used to go to the pub a where she played pool. We would go to the cinema but eventually we stopped going out. She seemed to lose interest in going out. She is on medication for the pain, and has hospital outpatients for the pain.

I have tried to talk to her about our relationship, but when I told her that the current living arrangements, sofa bed in living room is unacceptable she said I was being petty.

You're not being petty.

I'd cut your losses and move out so at least you have a proper bed to sleep in. It doesn't have to be permanent, but an awful lot needs to change if your marriage is to have any chance of surviving.

Your bar for acceptable treatment is painfully low.

Why can’t she sleep on the sofa bed if not having a bedroom is such a petty concern?

Dump her.

“I have tried to talk to her about our relationship, but when I told her that the current living arrangements, sofa bed in living room is unacceptable she said I was being petty.“

Have you heard of gaslighting OP? That’s what she’s doing. Minimising or ignoring something real and justified because it doesn’t suit her agenda.

It is a real issue and she has no right to ignore it. It’s not normal for someone to sleep permanently on a couch.

Tell you what, if it’s “petty” (ie not a big deal, something small pathetic and insignificant) tell HER to sleep on the couch for a few days.
She won’t because it’s uncomfy and she knows it and will use her health as being the reason not to. But it’s ok for you and your health problems to suffer, as long as it’s not her and hers.....
Move out as you ‘need a few good night of sleep’ and see if she misses you when you see her again. See your mates (socially distanced). Do some hobbies. See if you miss her. What does she benefit from you being around? Do you give her housekeeping or pay half her bills? There is a reason she has you on a leash. She doesn’t treat you right so she must be using you. I’m just trying to work out what for?

Thing is, at least the situation with the sofa might change one day, or be resolved by some practical solution.

The childish tandtrums, emotional blackmail and possible borderline personality disorder, not so much. People who interact with the world in that way don't just become different people.

Get out of this marriage. It's got no hope and a sad ending for you.

She sounds abusive and controlling.

08:47velourvoyageur

I feel like I’m reading a different post to PP?...

First, what’s with the sexist shite about “man’s tools”, and secondly what on earth are you doing throwing things in a temper? Why when she brings up the issue that she feels like you’re not spending enough time with her do you dismiss this as petty? Why are you blaming her for losing your temper, are you not in control of your own behaviour?
If you feel she doesn’t want to have sex with you, why aren’t you addressing that instead of complaining that she’s hurting your feelings and carrying on having sex with her regardless? Why does it come across as though you think you should be able to do what you like, never mind how she feels, at the weekend just because you work?

All this. ^^
With knobs on.
Why don't you see if you can get an anullment or some quickie divorce as its such early days?

Women can have workshops too.

The child could still be living in their home when they are 30

Wife & child each in a comfortable bedroom

You seem to be paying most of the bills & you are sleeping on the sofa !

You have no equality or respect in this household & it won't change

Go back to your house & your old life today

Please leave. This was hard to read.

I spoke to a councillor today which was cathartic. We're not ready to give up on the marriage yet, and though I painted a picture of some monster, she is kind and loving. We have started to have the talk we should have had eight months ago. I too can be moody, selfish and angry see PP as well as kind and loving. In short I'm human. There's a long way to go yet, but I genuinely believe there's hope.

Do you plan to be on the sofa for the foreseeable future

I hope you continue to find the counselling sessions helpful. Just wondering, are you UK based?