He 'doesn't know what to think' - is it over?

[newname333]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 months. We have a great time together on the surface but I feel that we lack a bit of depth because he doesn't have much emotional intelligence whereas I have enough for the both of us and more! He is a great guy in so many ways though - funny, witty, intelligent, kind, thoughtful and considerate (in his own way) of me.

We have communication issues because I am anxious and he is avoidant. This often leads to misunderstandings and arguments which he thinks nothing of, but are very painful and upsetting for me. I have tried to explain this to him numerous times but on Friday I lost it a bit and said I didn't think it could work if he couldn't understand my needs.

I sent him links to articles about how to date someone with an anxious attachment style, and the hallmarks of an anxious-avoidant relationships and how difficulties can be overcome. I made it clear that I want to work on this and asked him to have a think about things.

Last night he messaged me a nice message 'thinking of you xx' and this evening he messaged with general chitchat. I said I'd been waiting to hear from him about what he thinks about us and he said he was still thinking because 'he doesn't know what to think'.

To me, that sounds like it's over and I wish he'd just say it rather than dragging it out so I can get on with mourning the relationship. I have already spent last night and most of this evening crying. I am wondering what other people think - does it sound like it's over to you?

I am pretty devastated and i am wishing I had never brought it up in the first place although I know in reality the relationship would probably have no real future if we can't get our communication right.

I feel sorry for him in a way - someone who is so emotionally unaware dealing with me, who is overly-emotional (although I do try to rein it in) must be challenging and confusing.

I just wish I wasn't this way and that things were simpler. From what he has said and your experiences, is it really over or is there some hope?

It sounds to me like you feel it won’t work. So why don’t you just end it and start mourning the relationship? It doesn’t have to be him who does this

I’m not trying to sound harsh or unsympathetic but it seems really clear that you are not happy. You deserve to be happy.

The "I don't know what to think" sounds like something my ex would have said. We also had no depth, there was literally nothing going on in his head. Zero internal monologue. It was like dating a corpse.

Move on. Don’t waste anymore time on him. It’ll go nowhere.

It sounds like completely hard work. Move on.

he doesn't have much emotional intelligence whereas I have enough for the both of us and more!

Hmm.

'he doesn't know what to think'.
To me, that sounds like it's over

Or it could just mean he doesn't know what to think, as in, is still thinking? He needn't even be meaning that he's thinking of ending it as an option, he could just be thinking of how you can work it out etc.

I feel sorry for him in a way - someone who is so emotionally unaware

I just wish I wasn't this way and that things were simpler.

Don't just accept that this is how you are, there are always ways you can work on it and try and improve yourself. Maybe you'll always feel anxious in relationships/friendships sometimes, but there are ways you can lessen it- I know because I've had to work on it and on regulating my emotions, and I still do.

I would recommend therapy. Also, try to stop the behaviours which are actually destructive to your relationships, whatever they are, but there will be some.

With an anxious attachment style is can be things like texting too much, seeking reassurance, being too needy, too full on.

From what he has said and your experiences, is it really over or is there some hope?

I don't know the guy.

I think you're trying to control the outcomes/his behaviours too much. Focus on you and being the best you you can be. Behaving the best way you can in a relationship.

Finding ways of regulating your emotions.

There are deeper issues here that will effect your whole life, and are making you unhappy, and having a negative impact on your life.

Which isn't to say that he mightn't have issues/be behaving suboptimally too.

If you are an anxious/avoidant pairing, then I think it's not a peasant match TBH. You need someone more demonstrative or comfortable with and desiring of emotional intimacy.

Sorry, but you do sound pretty hard work. I'm not sure how I'd feel if someone was sending me reading material on how to meet their needs. It sounds like he thinks you're doing ok, but you want a lot of (in his view, unnecessary) analysis of this situation. It does sound like you're not suited.

We have communication issues because I am anxious and he is avoidant. This often leads to misunderstandings and arguments which he thinks nothing of, but are very painful and upsetting for me.

This dynamic is never, ever successful long term.

I sent him links to articles about how to date someone with an anxious attachment style, and the hallmarks of an anxious-avoidant relationships and how difficulties can be overcome. I made it clear that I want to work on this and asked him to have a think about things.

Case in point - you're trying to teach someone with an avoidant attachment style to cater to your anxious attachment style.

He could just as well send you links on how to cater to his avoidant attachment style.

It is missing the point - you do not have naturally compatible attachment styles.

That's 15 months in, imagine that mismatched dynamic in another 5, 10, 20 years. With the pressure of kids. And shared mortgages and finances...

You are incompatible. You have to accept that and move on or you will both be unable to be yourselves in the relationship - not fair on either of you.

*pleasant, obvs

@backseatcookers

We have communication issues because I am anxious and he is avoidant. This often leads to misunderstandings and arguments which he thinks nothing of, but are very painful and upsetting for me.

This dynamic is never, ever successful long term.

I sent him links to articles about how to date someone with an anxious attachment style, and the hallmarks of an anxious-avoidant relationships and how difficulties can be overcome. I made it clear that I want to work on this and asked him to have a think about things.

Case in point - you're trying to teach someone with an avoidant attachment style to cater to your anxious attachment style.

He could just as well send you links on how to cater to his avoidant attachment style.

It is missing the point - you do not have naturally compatible attachment styles.

That's 15 months in, imagine that mismatched dynamic in another 5, 10, 20 years. With the pressure of kids. And shared mortgages and finances...

You are incompatible. You have to accept that and move on or you will both be unable to be yourselves in the relationship - not fair on either of you.

The articles also included advice on how I could understand his attachment style. I want to make it clear that I want to work on this with him together.

There are so many other great things about the relationship though...

I think he like most blokes is thinking wtaf ? What am I supposed to say to this ...

@NoMoreDickheads

he doesn't have much emotional intelligence whereas I have enough for the both of us and more!

Hmm.

'he doesn't know what to think'.
To me, that sounds like it's over

Or it could just mean he doesn't know what to think, as in, is still thinking? He needn't even be meaning that he's thinking of ending it as an option, he could just be thinking of how you can work it out etc.

I feel sorry for him in a way - someone who is so emotionally unaware

I just wish I wasn't this way and that things were simpler.

Don't just accept that this is how you are, there are always ways you can work on it and try and improve yourself. Maybe you'll always feel anxious in relationships/friendships sometimes, but there are ways you can lessen it- I know because I've had to work on it and on regulating my emotions, and I still do.

I would recommend therapy. Also, try to stop the behaviours which are actually destructive to your relationships, whatever they are, but there will be some.

With an anxious attachment style is can be things like texting too much, seeking reassurance, being too needy, too full on.

From what he has said and your experiences, is it really over or is there some hope?

I don't know the guy.

I think you're trying to control the outcomes/his behaviours too much. Focus on you and being the best you you can be. Behaving the best way you can in a relationship.

Finding ways of regulating your emotions.

There are deeper issues here that will effect your whole life, and are making you unhappy, and having a negative impact on your life.

Which isn't to say that he mightn't have issues/be behaving suboptimally too.

If you are an anxious/avoidant pairing, then I think it's not a peasant match TBH. You need someone more demonstrative or comfortable with and desiring of emotional intimacy.

everything you say here is spot on. I really do try to work on my anxious attachment style and am nowhere near as bad as I could be - I do stop myself from texting too much etc. Now all this has happened all I can think of to do is text or call him because I am so desperate for the reassurance but I am not doing that. I am waiting for him to come to me first.

I know that anxious/avoidant pairings are not good, which is why I have sent him articles about how to make it successfully work - both of us need to make an effort here. Surely if both parties are willing to work at it, a relationship like this can be successful?

@TheStuffedPenguin

I think he like most blokes is thinking wtaf ? What am I supposed to say to this ...

Well obvs he is supposed to say 'I love and care about you and I want to work at this too'

@Rainbowqueeen

It sounds to me like you feel it won’t work. So why don’t you just end it and start mourning the relationship? It doesn’t have to be him who does this

I’m not trying to sound harsh or unsympathetic but it seems really clear that you are not happy. You deserve to be happy.

Because I so desperately want it to work! it's not all bad by any means and there are lots of great things but this is just so fundamental to the success of a relationship and that is why I am so upset and concerned.

Well google tells me I am also avoidant. So I can tell you that from the point of view of one such person, he doesn't want things to end, but cannot be arsed with the neediness, so would rather end the relationship than go over things for the 9000th time.

It sounds to me like you are overanalysing his response and making a lot of assumptions about what he might be thinking and feeling. Maybe he just isn’t sure what to say?

Surely if both parties are willing to work at it, a relationship like this can be successful?

But I think you need to listen to his actions on this - he isn't willing to work at it like you are.

Honestly you will save yourself so much time and heartache if you start to really consider that it might be better to accept that and move on.

Making an avoidant / anxious pairing work is incredibly hard even when both parties are willing to do a huge amount of work.

15 months in when one of you isn't full invested is a mammoth task.

The articles also included advice on how I could understand his attachment style. I want to make it clear that I want to work on this with him together.

What @TheStuffedPenguin said. Most blokes aren't like this, especially 15 months in. This is something that at a push a few married blokes might engage with IDK.

I think you need a particular kind of bloke that is fairly hard to come by- maybe try and meet someone through a self-development or something group so they're interested in the same stuff as you?

Or when you're looking at OLD look for people with similar interests, psychology etc.

Also, it shouldn't be this difficult honestly, that you have to look at articles etc to try and get your head around it/work at it. There are billions of guys out there, plenty will be the sort of caring, sharing guy you need (within reason- everyone has their limits.)

Oh god, he will drive you spare. Emotionally constipated and I bet he turns out to be passive-aggressive too. Fair weather material only. Your basic emotional needs will be an inconvenience to him, now and in the future. I'm sure you want to work on it. He won't though, he just wants you to shut up and not show him you have needs. If you have to send someone written information on how to be a more caring human being, it's doomed. Beware that you are already describing yourself as 'over-emotional' ie putting the blame on yourself. Who gave you that idea? Having a few emotional needs and expecting a partner to meet them and being a bit pissed off when they don't isn't being over emotional. You're being stonewalled.

I really do try to work on my anxious attachment style and am nowhere near as bad as I could be - I do stop myself from texting too much etc

@newname333 Great stuff. I think there's only so far someone can go on their own- therapy etc can help because it gives outside input. Also meds sometimes, as this is effectively a Borderline trait(s) you're discussing (I have them too.) Emotional dysregulation, fear of abandonment etc. You don't have to have full BPD to have traits of it that impair your life/mental health.

Well obvs he is supposed to say 'I love and care about you and I want to work at this too'

He's not going to become a completely different person. There will be that man/those men out there but this isn't him. He doesn't even want the same thing as you, when it comes to the amount of emotional intimacy etc.

What jumps out at me is that you want him to change and really, no one can change themselves in that way.

His response to me could be translated as "I don't know what you want from me, I am just being me but you have sent me some advice on how I could be someone other than who I am and I didn't know there was something wrong with me in the first place".

I think you would benefit from counselling to explore what you want from from relationships and what you actually need from them, rather than what you think you want and need. There is a big difference.

Why do you think he has to say it? You have the power too.
You think you are incompatible, and that's fine. Better to find out 15 months in than 15 years.
End it and don't settle for someone who is hard work.
You'll find someone, honestly.

Sorry, but you do sound pretty hard work. I'm not sure how I'd feel if someone was sending me reading material on how to meet their needs.

I totally agree.

I would just tell a man who sent me an article like this that we're not suited.

In my mind, I'd be thinking I'd had a lucky escape.

Relationships shouldn't be this difficult that you need to send him articles to understand you....Courtship is the time to see if you're suited for a long term relationship or marriage IMO.

You don't have to force it to work.

There is a very good chance that you are not always ‘anxious’ in every relationship. It’s not a life sentence. With the right work, and in the right relationship, you can absolutely become ‘secure’.

This man is not the one. He will bring out the worst in you, and you in him.

me me me me you sound very self centred.

@NoMoreDickheads

I really do try to work on my anxious attachment style and am nowhere near as bad as I could be - I do stop myself from texting too much etc

@newname333 Great stuff. I think there's only so far someone can go on their own- therapy etc can help because it gives outside input. Also meds sometimes, as this is effectively a Borderline trait(s) you're discussing (I have them too.) Emotional dysregulation, fear of abandonment etc. You don't have to have full BPD to have traits of it that impair your life/mental health.

Well obvs he is supposed to say 'I love and care about you and I want to work at this too'

He's not going to become a completely different person. There will be that man/those men out there but this isn't him. He doesn't even want the same thing as you, when it comes to the amount of emotional intimacy etc.

yeah I've had a lot of therapy over the years, perhaps to my detriment as it means I reflect on things a lot whereas people like my bf don't give things a second thought