He 'doesn't know what to think' - is it over?

[newname333]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 months. We have a great time together on the surface but I feel that we lack a bit of depth because he doesn't have much emotional intelligence whereas I have enough for the both of us and more! He is a great guy in so many ways though - funny, witty, intelligent, kind, thoughtful and considerate (in his own way) of me.

We have communication issues because I am anxious and he is avoidant. This often leads to misunderstandings and arguments which he thinks nothing of, but are very painful and upsetting for me. I have tried to explain this to him numerous times but on Friday I lost it a bit and said I didn't think it could work if he couldn't understand my needs.

I sent him links to articles about how to date someone with an anxious attachment style, and the hallmarks of an anxious-avoidant relationships and how difficulties can be overcome. I made it clear that I want to work on this and asked him to have a think about things.

Last night he messaged me a nice message 'thinking of you xx' and this evening he messaged with general chitchat. I said I'd been waiting to hear from him about what he thinks about us and he said he was still thinking because 'he doesn't know what to think'.

To me, that sounds like it's over and I wish he'd just say it rather than dragging it out so I can get on with mourning the relationship. I have already spent last night and most of this evening crying. I am wondering what other people think - does it sound like it's over to you?

I am pretty devastated and i am wishing I had never brought it up in the first place although I know in reality the relationship would probably have no real future if we can't get our communication right.

I feel sorry for him in a way - someone who is so emotionally unaware dealing with me, who is overly-emotional (although I do try to rein it in) must be challenging and confusing.

I just wish I wasn't this way and that things were simpler. From what he has said and your experiences, is it really over or is there some hope?

And there's nothing wrong with having insight into your attachment styles OP, don't know why people on here being so rude about that.

There's something wrong with pushing your "insights" onto other people and expecting them to "work on" things based on your perception of yourself.

I'm sorry, OP, but I wouldn't want to be in any relationship that had required reading for instructions on wtf to do with it.

I don't think a healthy relationship between two compatible people is supposed to be this complicated.

If your jnsight is you are anxious attached or whatever then work on that because that is what is damaging you and your relationships

Neediness, clinging on, seeking constant reassurance are not healthy relationship traits and it's bloody draining. The more you want the further you'll push him- that isn't mean to say it as it sounds exhausting for you OP but for your own sake stop navel gazing and get on with living and loving life. Recognise your feelings but do t let them control you

You shouldn't need to work on a relationship if you've only been together 15 months. If it's not working, it's not working.

He's probably thinking: WTAF has she sent me, and why does she have to be so needy? He doesn't want to have to read up on how to have a relationship with your personality type. You're his girlfriend and it's supposed to be fun and easy. You're not a child with an SEN that a parent needs to learn about, in which case sending articles would be appropriate.

You really aren't right for each other, and I think you know that.

How old are you, OP? Because you remind me so much of me in my twenties, in the throes of Borderline Personality Disorder. My poor boyfriend at the time just couldn't do right for doing wrong. 'I hate you, dont leave me' sums it up very well. Unfortunately BPD traits only tend to improve with age and experience (therapy didn't help me, in fact caused me to over analyse). This relationship sadly is not going to work. You can decide how long to drag out the misery.

I'm sorry I'd have to reiterate what previous posters have said.

You don't sound as emotionally intelligent as you think you are. You are emotionally immature I think and nobody should be sending articles to their partner (of only 15 months) on how to do things right in a relationship. It's excruciating and you're forcing him into overanalysis and work.
A new relationship like yours should be fun and passionate. I know. I was you.
My relationship was awful and when I look back I wish I had walked away then instead of trying to make it work and being needy and exhausting for someone who I wasn't compatible with. It wasted his time and mine.

I do suggest, if you do want emotional maturity/intelligence (or whatever terminology you prefer) then you seek counselling in group or individually to work on you rather than working on others. Good luck!

Why are you so 'desperate' to make it work? You can't force a relationship, sorry to repeat what others have already said but you do sound very needy and over invested in 'having a boyfriend'. What is the rest of your life like? Do you have a job you enjoy, family and friends, hobbies, volunteering or community involvement etc etc?

I had a boyfriend like you once, he was so needy and wanted to analyse every aspect of our relationship... it was all very tedious and teenager ish ... I binned him.

This will never work. I completely agree with @SamSeabornforPresident
If someone sent me some articles to read I would question why I was in a relationship that was such hard work. Surely after 15 months it should still be fun?
If he is avoidant (and especially if he doesn’t recognise himself as such) he won’t change. And why should he really? And as an anxious type you will be unable to change, especially as you won’t be feeling any reassurance from him.

It’s great that you’re self aware but sending articles to your DP of only 15 months just shows that this isn’t going to work. If my DH was always over analysing everything I said and using therapy jargon to discuss our relationship I’d get pretty fed up. A relationship should be fun and comfortable not a constant battle. The relationship is never going to work, he will not and should not have to change just to fit your needs. Find somebody on the same wavelength as you and you’ll be much happier. I honestly couldn’t cope with DH analysing everything I said.

I agree with the posters who have said you're self centred and hard work. He's not avoidant, you've scared him off.

PP said you want him to ‘cater to you’ which I think sums it up. You seem to have diagnosed yourself and to be quite happy with your diagnosis.
If you are inclined to ‘anxious-attachment’ it would be worth doing some research on how to self-regulate. I’m not sure you’re ever going to have a relationship you are at peace with otherwise.

Sorry OP, but I too agree with the pp who think you sound like hard work. Stop trying to change your boyfriend. You also come across as emotionally immature.

Give the relationship books, articles, Daniel Goleman, etc, a rest and either enjoy your relationship, or break up.

OP, what I have come to realise is that people who are avoidant and immature like this seem to trigger me into being anxious. People who are emotionally stable and open do not elicit this reaction in me it’s so so incompatible. Day to day, in my normal life this is not what I am like. But put me with a man like this, I can’t handle it. I’m never like it with my friends or at work, because these people are emotionally mature and open communicators

Ie you aren’t with the right person, it will never work and you could be with someone who never makes you feel half as bad about this stuff because they are mature and stable.

I dated an avoidant man at the start of this year and it was a disaster very quickly, with him blaming me problems when it was clear his avoidance was the real issue. I’m now dating a very open man who hasn’t once made me feel anxious or unsure about anything

You need to end it and move on

OP your post has really resonated with me. I was with someone for almost two years. We had a great time together. We never argued and it all seemed lovely. Last weekend he told me "you want more than I can give you". I was so shocked by this. I was always happy with what we had, I'd made it clear I didn't want to plan into the future, I wanted to take things slowly.
However, as we don't live together, during lockdown communication slowed down. I read the article @antibles shared and this is exactly him. He's a charmer, has an answer for everything and can never give me a straight answer. I know I deserve so much better than he gave me. He was the kindest man, but gifts and weekend breaks don't make up for a lack of emotion and my emotional needs were never met. He always said he'd never tell me he loves me as he doesn't know what love actually means. WTAF?!
It's been a tough week for me. But 7 days on and I've realised he's done me a favour. I deserve so much better and so do you. I can also be anxious (my exH chested on me). But I have realised I don't need a man in my life to make me less anxious. And any man I do meet in the future, I'll make sure it's some who communicates clearly and doesn't make me feel anxious or needy.
I don't know if this will apply to your relationship, you haven't given much detail, but I have also discovered what we had was a "situationship".

www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a27478820/situationship/

That has also made me make sense of why something that seemed so good ended so abruptly.

I honestly think you should cut your losses now.

If someone sent me articles on how to be in a relationship with them, I would be ending the relationship.

What @Menora said is spot on. If you’re anxious, you need to find a secure partner. You will never be happy long term with an avoidant.

His response doesn’t sound like he’s breaking up with you, it sounds like he’s just ignoring it until the storm has passed and keeping you sweet with the chit chat messages so you can continue the relationship as it was before whatever incident prompted you to send the articles.

An anxious / avoidant pairing is hard work as they both trigger the insecure parts of each other and react in ways that make the other feel more insecure. PP’s are right that the dynamic would be different with an emotionally secure man.

I have anxious-avoidant attachment and my partner is mostly secure with a few avoidant tendencies, but I’m really working on emotional healing, not being reactive and not looking to my partner to fill the voids.

The other thing is you have to own your emotional needs, it’s your job to heal an anxious attachment, that means learning to soothe yourself and talk yourself down from ‘high alert’ mode rather than depend on your partner for reassurance.

At the end of the day you can only do your part, you can’t do his.
When I tell my partner how I’m feeling, in a calm way, he listens and tries to understand and does what he can to meet to meet my needs, he will tell me if he doesn’t agree or see’s things differently but he never tells me I’m overreacting.

Two useful books I’ve read are Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood, it’s really good at explaining and understanding anxious attachment, what causes it, what triggers your response system and why you feel as strongly as you do and also how to heal it and Attached by Dr Amir Levine which is useful in seeing how someone with a secure attachment feels and reacts (or in some cases doesn’t react) as our goal is to become emotionally secure.

why isn't he just being honest and saying he wants things to end rather than sending me nice chit-chatty messages?

I don’t think you understand the meaning of avoidant.

Agree I think if you understood avoidant you wouldn’t be asking why he is avoiding giving you any answers

He’s not going to give you what you want or need and eventually you will just resent each other terribly because you can’t communicate

You've made a big leap OP from him saying "he doesn't know what to think" you get that he wants to end it! You (being anxious and likely expecting to be dumped at any minute anyway, if you don't get constant reassurance) have jumped to a wrong conclusion again - there have likely been many.
He's texting normally, and you don't get it, because he never meant for things to end, so now you've also spent unnecessary time crying and giving yourself unneeded dramatic emotion - not all that mature of you really.
I think some counselling might help, if he wasn't avoidant, he probably would of ended it by now as you are coming across as over-sensitive and needy, but because he is the way he is he's able to ignore your behaviour and move on, kind of lucky if you don't want it to end. Hard to say who has the bigger problem in this situation. Both of you might have happier lives with others as he can get on with a life without drama, and you can hopefully find someone who understands your needs better so you get less frustrated and doom mongering about things.

@newname333 if that's the case and he is stonewalling me, why isn't he just being honest and saying he wants things to end rather than sending me nice chit-chatty messages? -- if you're genuinely wondering this, then you don't understand what avoidant attachment is.

Honesty is actually fairly unusual in relationships. Many people just avoid subjects, change the subject, hope that the other person will stop going on about it, ignore it, etc. That is a fairly ordinary way for many people to conduct relationships... especially if they have avoidant attachment.

He is being nice and avoiding giving his thoughts because hes hoping you'll stop bringing it up, and just keep dating him happily, without demanding so much emotion and analysis. He doesn't want to have these types of conversations. Which, fair dos to him, hes allowed to not want to.

The question is, why are you waiting for this man to put you out of your misery? Take control. Dump him, he makes you miserable and doesnt meet your needs. You need to find a partner who is secure, and get better control over your anxious habits. Your posts, to me, show that you seem to get very muddled regarding the fact that he is a completely different person to you, he isnt open, emotional, honest and up for lots of work in a relationship - that's you - not him. You're then sitting at home going in circles about why he isnt behaving like you would... well... it's because he is nothing like you.

I know you dont want to be single, it sucks sometimes. But this guy will put you on the fast track to a nervous breakdown. Anxious/avoidant pairings are the most miserable possible combination of attachment styles...

My dp is avoidant, I'm secure, avoidant types are different beasts completely and as an anxiously attached person, you absolutely cannot harm yourself like this. You need to take control or he is going to hurt you more and more as time goes on.

it took me years to find my current bf.

Perhaps he's not the problem here.

You can't make people who you want them to be. You accept them as they are or go your separate ways.

It sounds exhausting. He can't meet your needs...do you think anyone else can?Given it took you years to find him.

Have you had other relationships?

@Nihiloxica

It's weird to me that you think you're emotionally intelligent.

You sound needy and suffocating.

Crying for 2 days over nothing sounds more emotionally incontinent than intelligent.

I'm not surprised he's "avoidant" of behaviours such as sending articles about his flaws. That sounds pretty intelligent to me.

Good relationships are not work. They are joy.

Sure, in a long marriage there will be periods of slog.

But a year in, if you are this unhappy, you walk away.

I would run a mile from a man behaving like you are now.

You need to work on your anxiety alone. It will help you make better relationship decisions.

Agree 100%

Also agree with other posters that he's probably thinking wtaf? not necessarily that he want's to end it.
In either of your shoes I would though.
It's not a relationship that sounds like fun nor has any long term future.

@Windmillwhirl

Exactly what is he doing that makes you so anxious?. It's not his job to fix you or make you ok if you struggle with anxiety. That's your job.

I'm curious as to what you want him to do for you and if that's reasonable or not.

I agree with those that said the link to attachment styles probably made him think wtaf?

I want him to communicate better with me - tell me when he's upset/angry rather than letting it all bottle up which results in arguments which I find extremely upsetting