He 'doesn't know what to think' - is it over?

[newname333]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 months. We have a great time together on the surface but I feel that we lack a bit of depth because he doesn't have much emotional intelligence whereas I have enough for the both of us and more! He is a great guy in so many ways though - funny, witty, intelligent, kind, thoughtful and considerate (in his own way) of me.

We have communication issues because I am anxious and he is avoidant. This often leads to misunderstandings and arguments which he thinks nothing of, but are very painful and upsetting for me. I have tried to explain this to him numerous times but on Friday I lost it a bit and said I didn't think it could work if he couldn't understand my needs.

I sent him links to articles about how to date someone with an anxious attachment style, and the hallmarks of an anxious-avoidant relationships and how difficulties can be overcome. I made it clear that I want to work on this and asked him to have a think about things.

Last night he messaged me a nice message 'thinking of you xx' and this evening he messaged with general chitchat. I said I'd been waiting to hear from him about what he thinks about us and he said he was still thinking because 'he doesn't know what to think'.

To me, that sounds like it's over and I wish he'd just say it rather than dragging it out so I can get on with mourning the relationship. I have already spent last night and most of this evening crying. I am wondering what other people think - does it sound like it's over to you?

I am pretty devastated and i am wishing I had never brought it up in the first place although I know in reality the relationship would probably have no real future if we can't get our communication right.

I feel sorry for him in a way - someone who is so emotionally unaware dealing with me, who is overly-emotional (although I do try to rein it in) must be challenging and confusing.

I just wish I wasn't this way and that things were simpler. From what he has said and your experiences, is it really over or is there some hope?

Last question, have you ever talked about having children, how many, how you would raise them ? You do not need a psychology handbook full of terms. What you should know at this stage is a general idea of why he behaves that way, ie a good understanding of his upbringing and important moment in his past life. ( Usually the true shitload comes after, but well, a tart of disclosure). It's not the "you get me" vibe, it's the true" you get me ". Develop your ability to nurture your relationship apart from sex. In other word develop true intimacy. If it's not possible. For whatever reason. Move on. I am a bit puzzled, do you not know that men (in general) do things and don't talk, so when you want a serious talk you have to do something than around it you pop up a few questions or two ? Not overload his email with articles ? Just saying. It's not a dig.

Am not seeing the self aware person claiming to me. This whole thread is very self centred, fails to take into consideration the needs or wants of the other person & approaching this from a stance of firm belief that only their perception is the ”truth” & anything which deviates from the OP’s narrative is, quite arrogantly referred to as a “lack of emotional intelligence”

I’m sorry to say the only evidence of emotional unintelligence is arguably the OP herself.

This is at its essence - trying to fit a square peg into a round hole due to insecurity at being single & reeks of desperation. At its core it is needy and suffocating to keep trying to make someone change their personality.

Please find someone with more of a similar “attachment” style to yourself OP if you must continue to use this current theory / labels. In a healthy compatible relationship one does not need to bend over backwards in attempts to feel “understood” constantly or try to force someone to change their nature.

You’re incompatible & frankly I think you could benefit from some kind of life coaching or therapy to help work through your lack of identity & self esteem issues.

I’m sorry, but in his shoes I’d be running for the hills. This is way too intense for 15 months of dating. He doesn’t know what to think because he genuinely has no idea what to think. You have labelled him and processed him and sent him information on how you should relate to each other! Regardless, it’s not making you happy so you should get out now and spend some time getting help with your anxiety before embarking on another relationship.

Yes I actually think this may be google Dr misdiagnosed as an “attachment style” when in reality is an anxiety disorder & expecting a partner to pander & comply with an anxious, needy person

All these deep, analytical conversations self diagnosing my personality & character Traits as one second my attachment style then saying I am “emotionally unintelligent” because I happen to not be sure of what I think of your behaviour ? That type of shit is emotionally manipulative. It is coercion. It’s toxic. It would send me running for the hills without question

I can almost guarantee he does not see you as “the one” for him but the one for now, while he takes each day as it comes & is in no rush to tie himself to the OP’s rocking boat

@NoMoreDickheads I didn't think your reply was harsh at all - some people on here have been outright nasty though...

I've had a few days to think and you're all right. This relationship is going nowhere.

OP I am sorry I haven't rtt fully.

he doesn't have much emotional intelligence whereas I have enough for the both of us and more! I am not sure if anyone else has said this but I don't think you are emotionally intelligent if you say you have anxious attachment style - the two things are incompatible. People who are emotionally intelligent are generally fairly well balanced, because they are emotionally intelligent.

This is the description I found for anxious attachment:

People who have developed an anxious attachment may have a hard time feeling secure in relationships. As young children, they may cling to caregivers or become inconsolable when a caregiver leaves

This is the description of someone quite needy, not someone emotionally intelligent.

I am guessing you have said he was "avoidant" not him but that you have no psychological qualifications?

I think you might benefit from counselling to try to come to terms with past experiences which made you anxious, so that you are not carrying around unresolved difficulties which affect your current relationships, do you think that would help?

I want him to communicate better with me - tell me when he's upset/angry rather than letting it all bottle up which results in arguments which I find extremely upsetting

I think what you could do is say "please can you try to tell me when you are starting to get upset or angry and talk to me calmly about it, rather than letting it all bottle up?" and talk about that, just that, not about styles. Also when you can see him starting to get upset/angry and starting to bottle up, ask him what the matter is, or try to work out what the matter is? (If you want to, like others I do think that this sounds like quite hard work).

I also think that the other posters who have anxious styles have given you some good advice about avoiding certain types of people but I do still think that some counselling might help.

I mean this relationship sounds like quite hard work.

Emotional intelligence is to do with being able to recognise, manage, control and process your own emotions and being adept at emotionally reading others and also adept at managing relationships with others.

Someone who is emotionally intelligent will have dealt with any issues from their past holding the back I think. They are likely to be fairly emotionally strong and happy, bouncing back more quickly from setbacks as they can process things quickly and move on.

Anxiety is to do with something which has happened in your past which was very difficult but the memories have become lost or fragmented so it is difficult for you to process the experience and the feelings and move on from it. Something like EMDR is apparently really good for this. I haven't had EMDR but I have read some really interesting things about it by people who have tried it.

I hope that this helps. It sounds like you and your partner both are not massively adept at managing emotions. What do you think?

To be honest, I don't know many men, whatever their attachment style, who would want a relationship that came with a reading list.

Ditch the books; have some fun - either on your own or with this man. But please get off his back - he deserves a happy life too, and he will not get that from you, that's for sure. I cannot believe he has not vanished over the horizon already.

Get out and about - volunteer at a food bank or anything really that stops you focusing on your psyche and helps you to look outwards.

The problem you have in this relationship will repeat itself over and over again if you persist with this mindset.

OK - so you may feel that there are negative things in your previous life that influence how you behave in a partnership, but bad things happen and it is how we deal with them that really matters.

Lift your eyes from your navel and start looking outwards and thinking about the needs of others.

It seems you have two choices here, accept him for who he is and work on your responses to his (lack of) reaction..or end it and find someone better suited to you. Hopefully with a more secure attachment style.

I have both anxious-avoident (fearful attachment style- thanks traumatic childhood) the only relationship I have been comfortable in is with my husband who is secure and only after a hell of a lot of therapy to deal with my issues.

I know it's tough dealing with attachment issues, but stay strong. You seem very well versed in what's going on with you, knowledge is power and all that, but that will probably be too intense for someone with an avoidant attachment style. It's not his fault that he is like that, and if he doesn't see it as an issue, he won't be compelled to try and work on it. Unfortunately the only thing we can control is ourselves.

OP how is everything?