He 'doesn't know what to think' - is it over?

[newname333]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 months. We have a great time together on the surface but I feel that we lack a bit of depth because he doesn't have much emotional intelligence whereas I have enough for the both of us and more! He is a great guy in so many ways though - funny, witty, intelligent, kind, thoughtful and considerate (in his own way) of me.

We have communication issues because I am anxious and he is avoidant. This often leads to misunderstandings and arguments which he thinks nothing of, but are very painful and upsetting for me. I have tried to explain this to him numerous times but on Friday I lost it a bit and said I didn't think it could work if he couldn't understand my needs.

I sent him links to articles about how to date someone with an anxious attachment style, and the hallmarks of an anxious-avoidant relationships and how difficulties can be overcome. I made it clear that I want to work on this and asked him to have a think about things.

Last night he messaged me a nice message 'thinking of you xx' and this evening he messaged with general chitchat. I said I'd been waiting to hear from him about what he thinks about us and he said he was still thinking because 'he doesn't know what to think'.

To me, that sounds like it's over and I wish he'd just say it rather than dragging it out so I can get on with mourning the relationship. I have already spent last night and most of this evening crying. I am wondering what other people think - does it sound like it's over to you?

I am pretty devastated and i am wishing I had never brought it up in the first place although I know in reality the relationship would probably have no real future if we can't get our communication right.

I feel sorry for him in a way - someone who is so emotionally unaware dealing with me, who is overly-emotional (although I do try to rein it in) must be challenging and confusing.

I just wish I wasn't this way and that things were simpler. From what he has said and your experiences, is it really over or is there some hope?

@Bananasplitlady

Well google tells me I am also avoidant. So I can tell you that from the point of view of one such person, he doesn't want things to end, but cannot be arsed with the neediness, so would rather end the relationship than go over things for the 9000th time.

what if I am willing to work at it though?

@Antibles

Oh god, he will drive you spare. Emotionally constipated and I bet he turns out to be passive-aggressive too. Fair weather material only. Your basic emotional needs will be an inconvenience to him, now and in the future. I'm sure you want to work on it. He won't though, he just wants you to shut up and not show him you have needs. If you have to send someone written information on how to be a more caring human being, it's doomed. Beware that you are already describing yourself as 'over-emotional' ie putting the blame on yourself. Who gave you that idea? Having a few emotional needs and expecting a partner to meet them and being a bit pissed off when they don't isn't being over emotional. You're being stonewalled.

I fear that you're right. But if that's the case and he is stonewalling me, why isn't he just being honest and saying he wants things to end rather than sending me nice chit-chatty messages?

@2bazookas

me me me me you sound very self centred.

and? Should I not want my needs to be met in a relationship?

With someone who wasn't avoidant, you could work independently on your anxieties and over time develop a less anxious attachment style. It isn't someone else's job to reduce your anxiety, but at least someone with a more compatible attachment style wouldn't be a trigger for your anxious behaviours.

Better to find someone you are truly compatible with and continue to work on yourself for you, than to be in a relationship with someone you aren't compatible with and try to work on your anxiety as well as the relationship.

After just over a year together, with no huge life linked stressors like mortgage or kids, if you're already needing to both change your fundamental selves then it isn't a healthy relationship.

I know that's not what you want to hear but it's true

@SandyY2K

Sorry, but you do sound pretty hard work. I'm not sure how I'd feel if someone was sending me reading material on how to meet their needs.

I totally agree.

I would just tell a man who sent me an article like this that we're not suited.

In my mind, I'd be thinking I'd had a lucky escape.

Relationships shouldn't be this difficult that you need to send him articles to understand you....Courtship is the time to see if you're suited for a long term relationship or marriage IMO.

You don't have to force it to work.

I have tried to speak to him about this in the past but he dismisses it as me 'overreacting' or being hormonal so I thought if he saw it in written form (he is very logical and reads lots of legal documents in his work) he might be able to digest it better.

what if I am willing to work at it though?

By stifling your needs and shutting up every time you want to talk about something? Taking the blame for it all being your fault for being 'needy'? You will end up a miserable self-hating shell.

I know this sort of bloke. They're not avoidant. They're covert aggressive. They operate in a win-lose mindset and they need an opponent in their zero-sum game. Right now you're losing because you're not getting what you need and he gets a little thrill every time he thwarts you. Plus an extra thrill from gaslighting you that he doesn't understand when he does.

What Stoic says: in a relationships with a different man who doesn't operate like this you won't feel such anxiety.

I have tried to speak to him about this in the past but he dismisses it as me 'overreacting' or being hormonal so I thought if he saw it in written form (he is very logical and reads lots of legal documents in his work) he might be able to digest it better.

He understands it perfectly well already! He just doesn't want or need to change. Please read up about passive aggressiveness or covert aggressiveness. This has all the hallmarks. How many of the tactics in this article do you recognise? Telling you you are overreacting is an act of minimisation for a start. He is going to exhaust you.

www.bakadesuyo.com/2018/06/passive-aggressive-people/

@Antibles

what if I am willing to work at it though?

By stifling your needs and shutting up every time you want to talk about something? Taking the blame for it all being your fault for being 'needy'? You will end up a miserable self-hating shell.

I know this sort of bloke. They're not avoidant. They're covert aggressive. They operate in a win-lose mindset and they need an opponent in their zero-sum game. Right now you're losing because you're not getting what you need and he gets a little thrill every time he thwarts you. Plus an extra thrill from gaslighting you that he doesn't understand when he does.

What Stoic says: in a relationships with a different man who doesn't operate like this you won't feel such anxiety.

Wow. Tbh I think you could be right here. I just don't have much faith in finding another man. Online dating is so hard and it took me years to find my current bf.

[quote Antibles]I have tried to speak to him about this in the past but he dismisses it as me 'overreacting' or being hormonal so I thought if he saw it in written form (he is very logical and reads lots of legal documents in his work) he might be able to digest it better.

He understands it perfectly well already! He just doesn't want or need to change. Please read up about passive aggressiveness or covert aggressiveness. This has all the hallmarks. How many of the tactics in this article do you recognise? Telling you you are overreacting is an act of minimisation for a start. He is going to exhaust you.

www.bakadesuyo.com/2018/06/passive-aggressive-people/[/quote]
omg I just read the link. He is every one of those examples. This is a huge revelation for me, I had never heard of it before. Thank you

This is so hard for me to admit and accept. I suppose I should shut down his covert-aggressiveness and just say 'ok well if you're not sure what to think then we should end it now'.

It sounds incredibly complicated. With the right person I doubt you'd feel as insecure. You're flogging a dead horse here.

Have you posted before?

It is very hard to accept that someone you thought was on your team has in fact cast you in the role of the opposition. It is particularly hard if you have a tendency to self-doubt which leaves you vulnerable to their accusations that you are controlling, needy and demanding and that you are the problem. But it will only become more and more confusing and maddening if you stay with him.

Don't worry about getting another man! Better to be single than cope with the draining crazymaking of a covert aggressive person.

Don't tell him what you have just read about covert aggressive people though. He'll temporarily shape up briskly to convince you you're wrong and, as is your nature, you'll doubt yourself (although it won't last: he''ll want to punish you with more passive aggressive crap). Cut your losses is my advice. If you feel you need closure to end the relationship, seek it within yourself or with a counsellor - don't try to get it from this man because you won't.

@Antibles

It is very hard to accept that someone you thought was on your team has in fact cast you in the role of the opposition. It is particularly hard if you have a tendency to self-doubt which leaves you vulnerable to their accusations that you are controlling, needy and demanding and that you are the problem. But it will only become more and more confusing and maddening if you stay with him.

Don't worry about getting another man! Better to be single than cope with the draining crazymaking of a covert aggressive person.

Don't tell him what you have just read about covert aggressive people though. He'll temporarily shape up briskly to convince you you're wrong and, as is your nature, you'll doubt yourself (although it won't last: he''ll want to punish you with more passive aggressive crap). Cut your losses is my advice. If you feel you need closure to end the relationship, seek it within yourself or with a counsellor - don't try to get it from this man because you won't.

Do you know what the sad thing is? I think if I told him what I have read, he would outright deny that he has any of those qualities or exhibited any of those behaviours, again causing me to question myself.

I spent so many years single and really enjoyed being part of a couple and doing couple-y things. I will also miss his friends and their girlfriends. This transition is going to be hard.

Have you listened to yourself? You want to be with him because being part of a couple is better than being single. You're not saying you want to be with him because HE makes he is what you are looking for, and that, and being with him is far better than either being single or being with anyone else.

As a result you're trying to force the relationship to work, you're going to force a square peg into a round hole. The world is full of lovely guys, but not all of those lovely guys are suitable as a partner for you. Find someone who is.

I don't know, if you sent me those articles I would think you quite intense. Personally, I think that all that attachment style stuff is a load of over-thought crap. Why not just enjoy each other's company? If he isn't fulfilling you and you don't love him then end it. But the fact you'd be devastated if it ended suggests he is and you do.

You're hard work. That's just the way you are

He's hard work (for you - his style would be hard work for me too) because he just buries his head and doesn't want to face anything

You're trying to change him by sending him links and talking at him, to get him to become who you need him to be. He doesn't want to change. Maybe be cant change. But He won't change.

You don't seem to be THAT interested in YOU changing to help the relationship to be more balanced.

The relationship isn't going to work

The End

Exactly what is he doing that makes you so anxious?. It's not his job to fix you or make you ok if you struggle with anxiety. That's your job.

I'm curious as to what you want him to do for you and if that's reasonable or not.

I agree with those that said the link to attachment styles probably made him think wtaf?

I am anxious attached and husband is avoidant. We have two young children. If I could go back in time I wouldn't have married him and had children. I like him and we get on well, but it isn't a harmonious marriage

Everything you say is as if it’s right out a Therapists hand book.

Honestly I’d have to love someone very much to want to deal with them sending me articles on how to date them, I’d also be thinking wtaf. And be polite and say I don’t know what to think. I can see why he’s avoidant. It’s all so much hard work.

Your anxiety is your problem to fix. And there is a huge difference between having your needs met in a normal relationship and being needy, and expecting that to be met.

And now this, is it over, that’s also your anxiety and neediness. The fact you could be worse doesn’t mean how you are is ok. You need to take personal responsibility for your mental health issues and not expect him to tip toe round it

The only thing I can suggest is you find someone who is also anxious and needy and then you can be anxious and needy together.

It's weird to me that you think you're emotionally intelligent.

You sound needy and suffocating.

Crying for 2 days over nothing sounds more emotionally incontinent than intelligent.

I'm not surprised he's "avoidant" of behaviours such as sending articles about his flaws. That sounds pretty intelligent to me.

Good relationships are not work. They are joy.

Sure, in a long marriage there will be periods of slog.

But a year in, if you are this unhappy, you walk away.

I would run a mile from a man behaving like you are now.

You need to work on your anxiety alone. It will help you make better relationship decisions.

What exactly does he do or not do? To be honest you sound full of relationship therapy words and over reflective. Would drive me insane - are u sure it's not this need to go over and over things that's the problem? Just taxiing about something once and then moving on does not mean you lack emotional intelligence.

Is he kind, caring, funny, reliable, trustworthy etc.

I would be cringing at being sent a wanky relationship article and 'I'm still thinking about it' would be my polite way of saying wtf now - hope you forget about this nonsense.

Oh and if you want to end it then end it - just say this isn't working for me rather than setting him 'tests' which he then fails and reading more into a simple sentence than there is.

If this is what therapy does to you then no thank you!

Live a simpler life, calm down, stole over analysing, do some meditation or mindfulness and work on your own self improvement.

There's a lot of people in this forum who obviously don't understand what anxious attachment really is, ignore the mean comments OP.

Personally I have never been able to make an anxious/avoidant pairing work. It was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and it was incredibly stressful.

Yeah I wouldn't be impressed by you sending an article like that either but then I don't like needy people

Sounds like you should just end it if you're not happy