Embarrassingly greedy DH

[Ludicruss]

Today, we had a socially distanced gathering for a handful of people in our garden. It was great, but I'd forgotten about the way DH behaves around food when we're entertaining in our own home.
I was serving the food myself to prevent the risk of any covid contamination, wearing gloves. DH goes to find something to do inside whilst I serve the food for everyone and myself. He reappears when everyone starts eating and serves his own plate. What he then does is finish EVERYTHING off, leaving no possibility for me to return to serve up seconds for anyone. I was mortified. His plate was over flowing and more than doubled everyone elses plate.
I could see him standing at the side of the garden eating away his mountain of food out of the corner of my eye, DM got up to see what was left when she had finished, clearly intending to have some more. But all of it had gone.
I had tipped 3 packets of crisps into one bowl and nobody had asked for any during the first time I was serving, when I looked into the bowl after DHs visit, there were around 8 crisps left in the bottom of it. He had demolished almost all of them.
There was a tiny piece of chicken left and a pitta bread which DM ate as she clearly hadn't finished eating ( she had only wanted a small amount on her plate originally). I was also still hungry.
I had made most of the food and I'm pissed off that my effort was wasted on him stuffing himself with it all.
I was utterly embarrassed.
I made a joke about him eating all the crisps and DH went extremely red in the face. He will no doubt call me out on it later on for embarrassing HIM!
He is very over-weight and embarrassed about it, but nobody is allowed to mention it or his eating habits. And yet he stuffed himself with all the food for the guests.

How do I broach this? I love entertaining, I have really missed it, but he spoilt it for me today.

He doesn't do this when he visits other peoples houses,just at ours.

If there is ever shared food on the table at regular meal times,he always seems to wait until we all have a bit on our plates and then eats everything that's left. Sometimes I find myself filling my own plate with too much before he dives in and eats it all. I rarely serve food this way in th3 evenings because of his greediness. But it can't be helped when entertaining.

What do I say to him?
It's ridiculous.

Why would you embarrass him in front of everyone, that's fucking horrible.

Should have made more food because if your guests were still looking for more then you obviously didn't make enough.

I am amazed to read of posters that starve themselves before going out so they can scarf as much of the buffet as possible - grim. I was brought up to 'leave some for Mr Manners' - so you don't take the last item on a serving dish until you have checked if anyone else wants it. No wonder as a vegetarian I suffer when all the food I can eat has already been consumed by people who were raised by wolves.

The OP's DH was rude, a bad host and greedy. A trinity of unpleasant behaviours that I am surprised so many are defending.

When he went inside whilst others where being served, couldn't you serve up a plate for him? That makes it more difficult for him to go back for double. Then if he still does, you could say, could we all go for round 2 in a minute, even everyone has had firsts?

My friend’s husband was like this. He would take six sausages, several burgers, a few chicken drumsticks at a barbecue, with no thought as to what anyone else would eat, and he would always be first in the queue. They came round to ours for a curry once, and I had made enough for us to finish it the next day- or so I thought. He took over half the curry, most of the rice and balanced naan bread and poppadums on top. I asked him what he thought everyone else was going to eat, and he just said “Oh sorry”, laughed and carried on. I ended up making more rice and a veg curry so that people could have that for seconds. You have my sympathy, OP.

@MrsSchadenfreude what is it with those people? It’s like they feel that they need to “get their money’s worth” from your hospitality.

He is also hosting guests and if he sees there's less food than he thinks should be out then he shouldn't have taken so very much-it's basic decency. He also could've gone to the cupboards/refrigerator for more food

My ex h was a bit like this and I would often joke about it, but now we're not together and I see him doing it with the dc's food I just ask him why he's done that or what he's doing. He's not overweight and is actually in good shape, I think he's just greedy. We obviously don't live together now but he'll often come over to see dc's and within minutes of being here he'll start eating the food off their plates (they're 5 and 3) and I always have to make a point of saying "they haven't finished yet so please don't eat anything until they're actually done", or if I've made cakes he'll eat a load of them, ds, 3 the other week was v slowly eating a small bowl of pop corn in between going back and forth between playing and exh just starting eating it and ate everything within seconds and ds was so upset because was the last of it! (Which ex h was aware of)

It can be difficult to approach but I'd maybe start with the next time you have people over for food by just saying, "we've got (however) much food for everyone; we just need to make sure it goes around to everyone so when we do our plates just take enough so that there's still food for everyone if they want it, can we can go back for more if need it" or something.

Your husband ate one full plate of food and a bowl containing 3 packets of crisps?! You didn't prepare enough food for the group. Next time put more food out on the table where people can see it, and make your husband sit with the group. That way he cannot hide and eat too much.

@MrsSchadenfreude

My friend’s husband was like this. He would take six sausages, several burgers, a few chicken drumsticks at a barbecue, with no thought as to what anyone else would eat, and he would always be first in the queue. They came round to ours for a curry once, and I had made enough for us to finish it the next day- or so I thought. He took over half the curry, most of the rice and balanced naan bread and poppadums on top. I asked him what he thought everyone else was going to eat, and he just said “Oh sorry”, laughed and carried on. I ended up making more rice and a veg curry so that people could have that for seconds. You have my sympathy, OP.

I hope he was not invited again.

@CharityDingle no, he wasn’t! There was absolutely masses of food, too. I’ve got a huge slow cooker that is supposed to feed 8-10 (there were 6 of us) that was full of chicken curry and had made dhall as well. DH and I ended up with a bit of the dhall and the extra veg curry that I threw together. My friend’s husband’s plate was full to the brim and piled high, and he had taken lots of meat but not much sauce. He was an utter greedy fucker, and a complete embarrassment to her.

My dh does similar but not quite so extreme. If its put on his plate he has to eat it. That's from his childhood but no excuse. I speak to him before and say dont eat everything- problem solved.

Completely disagree that eating habits shouldn’t be mentioned. In social settings like this everyone will have noticed- it’s incredibly obvious if he is grabbing at all the food and stuffing himself to the point there isn’t enough for others. Don’t assume no one notices because they will have.

I’d be having a firm but kind word with him that you are concerned about his emotional reliance on food and would be trying to help him address that. Being very overweight is also a risk to his health and as his partner it’s legit to be concerned about those you love.

I’d also assume the reason the op thinks he doesn’t do it at others homes is likely because there is more food prepared so he can have a large portion and they don’t run out so it’s less noticeable

The base case here is if you can’t afford or don’t wish to over cater don’t have a buffet. Plate up or don’t invite people for meals, just snacks.

But if two people had hardly anything and one person had say double then there was never enough food in the first place.

Is that why you’re embarrassed op? You under catered and are blaming your husband, you wished him and you to not eat much so there was enough for the others?

This just came up on my Facebook feed after I read this thread.

I’d also wonder if the op and her mother didn’t take much because they both knew there was not enough food. So they were allowing others to take a portion each.

It’s very typical of what some women will do, see there isn’t enough so hold back

The husband however has just eaten his fill which has compounded the problem, and yes if he hadn’t they’d have had a little more each, but likely not much, the fundamental issue here is the sparse catering.

@Bluntness100

I’d also wonder if the op and her mother didn’t take much because they both knew there was not enough food. So they were allowing others to take a portion each.

It’s very typical of what some women will do, see there isn’t enough so hold back

The husband however has just eaten his fill which has compounded the problem, and yes if he hadn’t they’d have had a little more each, but likely not much, the fundamental issue here is the sparse catering.

How can you say that the issue was sparse catering? We have no idea how much OP cooked. I have cooked a meal which would reasonably feed at least four people (think a big saucepan full) and several cups of rice. I was only feeding me and a friend and was hoping to have leftovers for DS and myself for the next day. I don’t eat much. I had a scoop of rice (small) and a ladle and a half of curry. My friend filled their plate up with a massive portion of rice and all but a dribble of curry and then went back and finished it all off. People can be horrifically greedy and selfish. I didn’t say anything at the time but the next time I cooked I plated up and put a section in the fridge for later. I refuse to eat out with them as they’ll eat off my plate as “they know I’ll just leave it anyway”.

I think some people though, like my friend’s husband, will just eat and eat with no regard for anyone else. I remember we went to a mutual friend’s for Sunday lunch once. She had catered for 4-5 roast potatoes each, which was plenty. John took 10 potatoes, a huge amount of meat and no other veg. He was just a greedy fucker and didn’t give a shit about anyone else. Barbecues were the worst because he would just pile his plate high with meat, leaving everyone else short.

There wasn't enough food if one plate (no matter how full) finished all the available food. Hilarious how some MNetters diagnose an eating disorder based on one plate of food also.

As an aside - what is it about buffets and bbq’s that make is all eat so much. You go for a meal and you have one burger with say chips and a veg. Even if you’re a fan of the mixed grill, it’s a steak, sausage, chicken breast etx.

Bbq comes out and it’s two burgers three sausages a couple of bits of chicken plus piles of salad etc.
I am totally guilty of this - but would never just scoff the lot before everyone else got a go

@SoVeryLost

I refuse to eat out with them as they’ll eat off my plate as “they know I’ll just leave it anyway”.
I'd hate that - and they're likely to get my fork in the back of their hand!

@SoVeryLost - they eat off your plate before you have said your finished ?

Once I have finished my meal I would normally offer to whoever I’m with if I knew them well enough and there was a decent amount left.

@MrsSchadenfreude

I remember we went to a mutual friend’s for Sunday lunch once. She had catered for 4-5 roast potatoes each, which was plenty. John took 10 potatoes, a huge amount of meat and no other veg. He was just a greedy fucker and didn’t give a shit about anyone else.
What incredibly bad manners - even with generous catering amounts. I'd think twice about inviting someone quite so selfish- though sadly it would mean his partner would suffer also...

This clearly cant be a regular occurance as otherwise OPs mother would have taken more food. The fact she took a small portion suggests she knew there wasnt enough.

We have family friends, when they host a bbq their son will always have a big plate. theres never enough food for everyone else. Everytime i just think why dont they cook more food?

Its ridiculous. We all know this is going to happen, when they come to us I make sure to accomodate his large appetite, why cant they do the same?

We've all learnt now to take our share for firsts, and I wouldnt ask for seconds there as I know there wont be any.

@chubbypigeon - the op already said he doesn’t do it when he’s around others and you have no idea how much they host themselves so maybe the DM thought he wasn’t going to be a total pig and eat all the food in one go so she could go back up.

@Carolbaskinstiger because bbqs are tasty, and a rare occurance? Im not going to all the effort of bbqing just to eat one fucking burger