Embarrassingly greedy DH

[Ludicruss]

Today, we had a socially distanced gathering for a handful of people in our garden. It was great, but I'd forgotten about the way DH behaves around food when we're entertaining in our own home.
I was serving the food myself to prevent the risk of any covid contamination, wearing gloves. DH goes to find something to do inside whilst I serve the food for everyone and myself. He reappears when everyone starts eating and serves his own plate. What he then does is finish EVERYTHING off, leaving no possibility for me to return to serve up seconds for anyone. I was mortified. His plate was over flowing and more than doubled everyone elses plate.
I could see him standing at the side of the garden eating away his mountain of food out of the corner of my eye, DM got up to see what was left when she had finished, clearly intending to have some more. But all of it had gone.
I had tipped 3 packets of crisps into one bowl and nobody had asked for any during the first time I was serving, when I looked into the bowl after DHs visit, there were around 8 crisps left in the bottom of it. He had demolished almost all of them.
There was a tiny piece of chicken left and a pitta bread which DM ate as she clearly hadn't finished eating ( she had only wanted a small amount on her plate originally). I was also still hungry.
I had made most of the food and I'm pissed off that my effort was wasted on him stuffing himself with it all.
I was utterly embarrassed.
I made a joke about him eating all the crisps and DH went extremely red in the face. He will no doubt call me out on it later on for embarrassing HIM!
He is very over-weight and embarrassed about it, but nobody is allowed to mention it or his eating habits. And yet he stuffed himself with all the food for the guests.

How do I broach this? I love entertaining, I have really missed it, but he spoilt it for me today.

He doesn't do this when he visits other peoples houses,just at ours.

If there is ever shared food on the table at regular meal times,he always seems to wait until we all have a bit on our plates and then eats everything that's left. Sometimes I find myself filling my own plate with too much before he dives in and eats it all. I rarely serve food this way in th3 evenings because of his greediness. But it can't be helped when entertaining.

What do I say to him?
It's ridiculous.

And I agree with the others too, cook more. But as a host he should always be sufficiently aware of his guests to make sure there is enough left for them, no matter what.

I’d say the only thing you can realistically do is say quite clearly “please make sure you take whatever you want as DH will eat EVERYTHING that’s left

Don't do this. Even if it's true if he's visibly overweight you'll look like a giant bitch.

OP won’t be back.

The problem is greater than your embarrassment. Overeating is an eating disorder. Calling him greedy, trivialises his serious problem.

I think you might need to rethink entertaining at home if it’s one of his triggers.

*An eating disorder had never once occurred to me.
His mother had an eating disorder.

If I suggested this, he would be offended and sulk about me suggesting it.*

He has an eating disorder

He needs to see a doctor. I'd suggest that you both go to his doctor together.

And you need to stop being 'surprised' that he ate all the food because that is what he always does. It's not surprising. It's who he is.

Work around it (hide food) until his disorder is dealt with

If he won't get help I would suggest that you decide whether you can stay with someone whose addiction is leading him to an early death

I think the real problem in this thread is that OP feels nothing but contempt and embarrassment towards her husband, which he will definitely pick up on. If he has an eating disorder this will definitely propel him to eat more to comfort himself. I feel sorry for them both, but more sorry for the husband knowing his wife is ashamed of him. A recovery of mutual respect is needed, then things can improve for both of them.

Awful though it might be, I think you probably should have done a plate for your DH as you served everyone else, and handed it to him, since he has no self control himself. This as just a short term measure, of course - he needs to be able to take control of his greed and NOT do this.

I appreciate you forgot that he does this, but hopefully next time you will remember and maybe try giving him a pre-loaded plate. Then let everyone else have seconds before he's allowed near it.

A friend of mine's father was a little like this, but he (and we) all knew it, and he always waited until everyone had had their fill before he cleaned up. Difference was, which we all also knew, he had a hyperthyroid condition and was ALWAYS hungry because his metabolism went so fast it burnt everything off. He wasn't obese at all! So I know this doesn't apply to your DH.

You married. You're supposed to be on his side. Why are you humiliating him in public? He is clearly very ashamed of what he is doing bit felt he couldn't help himself, and it sounds like you rubbed it in and drew attention to it.

You could have handled this one of several ways

Dished his plate up with the others
Left some food on one side in the kitchen for seconds
Made more food originally as it does sound like there was an excessive amount
Called him out when he was piling his plate up

Those saying that op didn’t cook enough and how much can you pile on one plate - it’s a bbq so assume quite meaty heavy. It’s probably perfectly possible to like what, 4 burgers, 4 sausages, 2 pieces of chicken all on one plate pretty easily actually - you jist wouldn’t expect someone to.

He doesn't do this when he visits other peoples houses,just at ours.

Of course, we won't ever know without being there, but it does sound as if the OP may not make enough food. I can picture the husband waiting till everyone else was served before taking a proper plateful (and I know you probably expect to go back for seconds, but don't most people take around about the portion they think will satisfy them first time round? Why take such a small amount that you'd still be actually hungry - unless there wasn't enough to go round?)

It's impossible to judge from a distance though!

If you know he does this why did you both not cook Or put out more? One massive plate for him should not mean a tiny amount for anyone else.

Yes he has a problem, but if having a small portion is the only way everyone can have some then there was never enough in the first place. There should be enough for everyone to have a large portion and left overs, or you need to plate it up.

If he only had one plate of food then it obviously wasn’t enough for people to have seconds

This, I had people over last weekend for a bbq. There was seven of us.

We cooked twelve burgers, about eighteen chicken thighs, and 15 sausages with about twenty odd rolls shoved out and eight baked potatoes And salad. Because it’s important people have the choice, they may wish a couple of burgers and no chicken for example. It’s not my job to dictate their portion sizes.

In terms of crisps I went through four sharing bags of crisps. Yes we had left overs, but if I’m going to cook an exact amount for everyone then you need to plate it.

Even if one person had decided to eat four burgers two chicken thighs and two sausages as a pp suggested, then there would still have been enough for everyone and no drama.

I’d you do a Buffet you over cater. If you don’t, then you need to plate up and give everyone an exact portion.

The issue here is you both provided a small amount for everyone, and he ate too much meaning at least two people, yourself and your mother, didn’t have a full lunch. So it should have been plated, or rationed out.

Had a partner who did this.
He insisted I served myself first but then would assume that’s all I wanted and finish off everything that was left.
I explained numerous times that I didn’t like to overload my plate but would like the option of getting more if I felt like it, but nothing worked, not even if I made a lot of food, eg, a massive chilli or curry with loads of rice.
It ended up making mealtimes quite stressful for me and I ended up resenting cooking.
Luckily we are not together now.

Sorry I'm confused are you in the UK ?
We had people over yesterday, everything was kept seperate between guests and hosts, with no shared dishes. I thought buffets had been expressly discouraged. Have I missed something ?

@hopefulhalf you know very well that people do not follow the rules exactly. If OP wishes to do that that is on here and the pass aggressive “have I missed something” is tiresome.

OP, if you’re unable to have a conversation with him about something, frankly, as worrying as his disordered eating without him getting “offended” like a small child, how does your relationship work? Is he never able to have uncomfortable conversations or take on board constructive criticism? I bet he manages at work ok? Honestly, he sounds awful. Are YOU happy in this relationship? It doesn’t sound like you are.

The issue here is you both provided a small amount for everyone, and he ate too much meaning
It sounded like she would have provided an adequate amount of DP hadn’t scooped up everything else that was left like a human trash bag. If she had have made a mountain of food the exact same thing would have happened.

Also, do people not have manners anymore? It’s ok for the host to take nearly every other bit of food going (from a buffet which people will go back to this is common knowledge) before the guests have even finished eating?

@Bluntness100 but surely you don’t just polish everything off as the host without saying “does anyone want anymore of this chicken” or whatever before clearing everything that’s left!

I recall years ago having a bbq jist for me and parents - we had lots of food for us 4, but then a friend dropped in - we sort of awkwardly tried to share it with everyone (and ended up cooking a separate bit of food after).

It’s the rudeness that’s the issue more than the greed.

hopefulhalf you know very well that people do not follow the rules exactly. If OP wishes to do that that is on here and the pass aggressive “have I missed something” is tiresome.
Do I ?
I am allowed to be astonished that someone is having a buffet style get together.

@Samtsirch

Had a partner who did this. He insisted I served myself first but then would assume that’s all I wanted and finish off everything that was left. I explained numerous times that I didn’t like to overload my plate but would like the option of getting more if I felt like it, but nothing worked, not even if I made a lot of food, eg, a massive chilli or curry with loads of rice. It ended up making mealtimes quite stressful for me and I ended up resenting cooking. Luckily we are not together now.

I think people who are saying that op didn’t cook enough have never experienced this. I have experienced exactly what you have, not a partner thankfully but a couple of friends.

You can pile a horrific amount of food on a plate. I’ve been to a buffet restaurant where you could only visit the buffet once and people easily piled food over a foot high on their plate. I was told I was doing it all wrong as I don’t even like different foods touching.

I agree you must not have cooked enough for an entire group if one persons large plate means everyone else only has access to a small/ave portion

Also wondering if people are taking the “plate” thing a bit literally. Piled high plate, plus grabbing a sausage for example and just eating it which I may have done in the past.

This reminds me of someone very posh I used to work with and if we had a work do that we had put on for someone leaving or whatever, he would always say to us 'FHB darlings, remember...FHB' which stands for 'family hold back'. I don't know if that's from any other family other than his, but I think it's a good thing to have as standard - you let guests have what they want but the family blooming well hold back!

But on another note op says
If there is ever shared food on the table at regular meal times,he always seems to wait until we all have a bit on our plates and then eats everything that's left.

What does he say when you pull him up on this? Dh can be a bit greedy - so for example if I’m trying to cook something that I want to double up on for work the next day I do say, don’t eat the x otherwise he will wonder into the kitchen and demolish it. But if I say something - then he won’t.

If you said “dh don’t eat it all some of us would like seconds” what would happen?

The OP says his plate " more than doubled" everyone else's, but she also kind of hints that everyone else's plate wasn't that full , maybe some were. I think if it was a foot high she would have said so.

We don't know if there wasn't enough food , we don't know if the husband was greedy , we don't know if he had eaten before the buffet ( he may have been starving), we don't know if he was working all day in physical work, we don't know anything really. Except that the husband ate one larger than average plate of food ( not uncommon for people to do in this environment) and his wife was embarrassed. I think her embarrassment was because of more than the lack of catering , I think she thought her husband had shown himself to be greedy.

I think they need to sort out the residual feelings brought on by this. Maybe the OP is worried about her husband?