Embarrassingly greedy DH

[Ludicruss]

Today, we had a socially distanced gathering for a handful of people in our garden. It was great, but I'd forgotten about the way DH behaves around food when we're entertaining in our own home.
I was serving the food myself to prevent the risk of any covid contamination, wearing gloves. DH goes to find something to do inside whilst I serve the food for everyone and myself. He reappears when everyone starts eating and serves his own plate. What he then does is finish EVERYTHING off, leaving no possibility for me to return to serve up seconds for anyone. I was mortified. His plate was over flowing and more than doubled everyone elses plate.
I could see him standing at the side of the garden eating away his mountain of food out of the corner of my eye, DM got up to see what was left when she had finished, clearly intending to have some more. But all of it had gone.
I had tipped 3 packets of crisps into one bowl and nobody had asked for any during the first time I was serving, when I looked into the bowl after DHs visit, there were around 8 crisps left in the bottom of it. He had demolished almost all of them.
There was a tiny piece of chicken left and a pitta bread which DM ate as she clearly hadn't finished eating ( she had only wanted a small amount on her plate originally). I was also still hungry.
I had made most of the food and I'm pissed off that my effort was wasted on him stuffing himself with it all.
I was utterly embarrassed.
I made a joke about him eating all the crisps and DH went extremely red in the face. He will no doubt call me out on it later on for embarrassing HIM!
He is very over-weight and embarrassed about it, but nobody is allowed to mention it or his eating habits. And yet he stuffed himself with all the food for the guests.

How do I broach this? I love entertaining, I have really missed it, but he spoilt it for me today.

He doesn't do this when he visits other peoples houses,just at ours.

If there is ever shared food on the table at regular meal times,he always seems to wait until we all have a bit on our plates and then eats everything that's left. Sometimes I find myself filling my own plate with too much before he dives in and eats it all. I rarely serve food this way in th3 evenings because of his greediness. But it can't be helped when entertaining.

What do I say to him?
It's ridiculous.

You obviously have many issues, you are obviously projecting on this thread.

Pardon? What obvious multiple issues have I?

You're very invested in this thread @GimmeAy ! & you seem to know the OP and her DP well. Were you hiding in the bushes taking notes?

You obviously have issues with food, keep going on about portion sizes being too big, deliberately over estimating the calories in the meal etc

Your ex husband being abusive, no where on this thread has OP said her DH was abusive, but you managed to bring abuse into this thread more than once.

It could also be he hid as his dm and ds would comment on what he was eating.

@GimmeAy

Agreed GregoryGrainneog - it's almost secret eating, embarrassment at his weight, possible embarrassment about how much he eats (not eating with the rest of them, but shutting himself off in a corner of the garden) and the perceived selfishness of not leaving some for the guests.

There's also the aspect that eating can be used as a way to deal with anxiety - my abusive ex made me so self conscious about what I ate, how much I ate, how I handled my knife and fork, what order I ate in -

'You ate a whole potato first instead of taking a little bit of meat, a little bit of carrot, a bit of cabbage on your fork at once LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO. You're disgusting',

'You ATE the jacket potato skin. You're disgusting',

'You LEFT food. You're so greedy, you took more than you needed. You're disgusting',

'You ate too quickly. You're disgusting',

'You went to the buffet TWICE like the pig you are',

'You should have just had a bit and then went back if you still wanted more like NORMAL women do' and

'Who do you think you are pretending to not be hungry as though you're some skinny supermodel? Everybody saw you make a big show of pushing that potato around. You're disgusting', etc

• that all I wanted to do was grab the leftovers, hide and eat where nobody could see me and judge me for it, getting it over and done with in the hope that nobody like the OP would spot me and draw attention to me.

I never go to any events where a sitdown meal is involved because of that. And I don't eat at staff buffet things - I bring something and eat in secret/privacy beforehand, then sit and nurse a soft drink instead.

Just keep personal opinons of people's eating habits private. Don't use them as a stick to beat them over the head with in public. Because that's abusive.

He is being greedy and he needs to acknowledge his issues with food or he will eat himself to death. If he thinks dying over cake is worth it, leave him. You can't help mentality like that and he's just going to cost you a ton of money. 3 bags of crisps plus more food is disgraceful in one meal.

He needs to realise his issue and be restricted. No more sharing plates of food. Just dish up food and that's it, no more.

I'm really sorry that you went through all that, MitziK, it sounds absolutely horrific. I'm very glad that he's an 'ex' and I hope you know that it was his problem, always his problem - not yours.

@MitziK

I'm so sorry , that sounds absolutely awful and so damaging. I'm so glad he's your ex. Nobody should ever have to live with that kind of scrutiny and horrible comments.

You probably already know intellectually that you were never at fault and he was the problem , and it was abusive what he did to you. I hope you know it all the way through , or if you don't yet then you will soon. Xxxx

cross posted with @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

MitziK - while your ex was an abusive cunt, I don't think he's on a par with the OP.

But much like the abusive ex that MitziK had, I suspect everyone will use her one example as a stick to beat me with.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe and @BrambleJam978 - thank you and yes, I know it was all him. He was capitalising upon my previous history of having an ED thanks to a morbidly obese mother telling me I was fat, ugly, would always be hated by everyone else and restricting my food from the age of 6 when I was underweight, followed by a period of fucked up finances as a working single parent where I'd take every opportunity to have free food, as I never knew when I'd get a chance to eat again.

However, knowing that doesn't mean the anxiety of being seen eating ever goes and if DP (who won't) ever commented upon it, I'd flip out and refuse to eat when he was present. Just as I did at work when I was told by an ex employer that I couldn't eat alone in my office in case somebody saw me through the window, whilst somebody much taller and a smaller build was allowed to eat whatever she liked on main reception. I stopped eating at work altogether, as I couldn't manage food first thing in the morning. And fainted several times as a result.

That's why I say leave people alone. That boss had no idea how ill I'd been in the past, but criticised me for eating. The OP knows he doesn't like it, but still does it. He's on a no win situation, whatever he does, it's a trap. Which is abusive.

Why don't you pack it in, GimmeAy? This thread isn't about or for you and other posters are allowed to post on it without reference to you.

He sounds utterly vile, MitziK. I think that our parents (particularly mothers), don't realise the devastating impact that their words can have.

I absolutely agree about leaving people alone with their eating; there's nothing to be said. An adult is fully cognisant of their situation and they don't need to be pilloried for what is, in many cases, disordered eating that comes from real pain somewhere.

Did you see anybody about this or have you had to work through it best you can on your own?

Why don't you pack it in, GimmeAy? This thread isn't about or for you and other posters are allowed to post on it without reference to you.

MitziK quoted me in her long thread about abuse she got about eating from her ex. So I think I'm allowed the right to reply.

Why don't you pack it in.

If you know your husband eats a lot then make some more or get him to make some more. Most people would have more than that at a bbq or a buffet. You tend to eat more in those situations than a normal sit down meal.

@Musti

If you know your husband eats a lot then make some more or get him to make some more. Most people would have more than that at a bbq or a buffet. You tend to eat more in those situations than a normal sit down meal.

It wasn’t a bbq or a buffet! Read the OP. Is this going to be like “cash the cheque”

@MitziK no words really. How awful. xxx

I don't think GimmeAy is interested in any kind of intellectual debate about anything. I don't think she's interested in anyone other than herself, and she certainly isn't interested in anyone elses viewpoint.

Honestly , I wouldn't get into a debate with her , it's not worth it. It's just extremely tedious.

Isn't it just, BrambleJam. Received and understood.

In a normal relationship - emphasis on normal, a couple would probably consult each other on how much to cook/buy etc. for the number of guests coming. In reality it was 3 guests. You don't need the fattened calf to feed three extra guests - 1 man, 1 elderly woman, 1 woman with a gastric band. So I'd have cooked double what I'd have cooked for myself/husband/dc and just cooked that much. I suspect most of you might have starved at my catering. Surely the DH had the opportunity to say, 'no, lets assume 2 chicken breasts per person, so 12 chicken breasts and 2.5 chicken breasts for my good self, so lets cook 13/14 chicken breasts to allow for larger appetites'.

But I suspect dh had zero input into the catering. Plus 13/14 chicken breasts for 5 adults and one child seems fucking extraordinary to me. But it seems like what the MNers would cook, so I'll bow out.

When I was cooking for my ex and myself alone, I'd cook 2 chicken breasts (I'd probably eat a half and he'd have 1 and a half). I'd have side salad for both, but would cook a medium sized potato in wedges for ex. So he's have wedges, 1.5 chicken breasts, side salad, whereas I'd have 1/2 chicken breast plus side salad.
You're all saying I'm bullying or different or disordered, or bullying the DH for being disordered while you're all criticising how much I eat!

Fuck that for hypocrisy.

Honestly , I wouldn't get into a debate with her , it's not worth it. It's just extremely tedious. You mean, you're not winning the debate so you're suggesting everyone ignores me like a bullying little 8 year old. Well done.

Argue your point or don't. Don't bully me.

who Only gives 1.5 pitta per man

Every bloke I know would have at least 2!