Embarrassingly greedy DH

[Ludicruss]

Today, we had a socially distanced gathering for a handful of people in our garden. It was great, but I'd forgotten about the way DH behaves around food when we're entertaining in our own home.
I was serving the food myself to prevent the risk of any covid contamination, wearing gloves. DH goes to find something to do inside whilst I serve the food for everyone and myself. He reappears when everyone starts eating and serves his own plate. What he then does is finish EVERYTHING off, leaving no possibility for me to return to serve up seconds for anyone. I was mortified. His plate was over flowing and more than doubled everyone elses plate.
I could see him standing at the side of the garden eating away his mountain of food out of the corner of my eye, DM got up to see what was left when she had finished, clearly intending to have some more. But all of it had gone.
I had tipped 3 packets of crisps into one bowl and nobody had asked for any during the first time I was serving, when I looked into the bowl after DHs visit, there were around 8 crisps left in the bottom of it. He had demolished almost all of them.
There was a tiny piece of chicken left and a pitta bread which DM ate as she clearly hadn't finished eating ( she had only wanted a small amount on her plate originally). I was also still hungry.
I had made most of the food and I'm pissed off that my effort was wasted on him stuffing himself with it all.
I was utterly embarrassed.
I made a joke about him eating all the crisps and DH went extremely red in the face. He will no doubt call me out on it later on for embarrassing HIM!
He is very over-weight and embarrassed about it, but nobody is allowed to mention it or his eating habits. And yet he stuffed himself with all the food for the guests.

How do I broach this? I love entertaining, I have really missed it, but he spoilt it for me today.

He doesn't do this when he visits other peoples houses,just at ours.

If there is ever shared food on the table at regular meal times,he always seems to wait until we all have a bit on our plates and then eats everything that's left. Sometimes I find myself filling my own plate with too much before he dives in and eats it all. I rarely serve food this way in th3 evenings because of his greediness. But it can't be helped when entertaining.

What do I say to him?
It's ridiculous.

he's behaving like a dog that's stolen a steak and has dragged it off to eat it on his own growling if anyone else comes near.
That is incredibly weird behaviour.

Yes, it is bad manners and weird behaviour. It's also the kind of thing someone might do if mealtimes had become times of tension, and food a source of shame. If someone feels that others will try to judge or control what they eat, strange behaviours will arise - the urge to feed yourself is very primal.

His DM has/had an eating disorder, and his DW shames him over his portion size (we have been given an example of this happening in the OP). Do you think either of those might be linked to his behaviour perhaps?

@Thisismytimetoshine

It's not being a rude glutton to eat more than one piece of chicken, StatementKnickers You have food issues if you really believe that.

It is, if you are the host and guests haven't eaten enough. It's not about the amount of food or what is and isn't a reasonable portion size, it's about manners. Whether there's a little or a lot of food to go around, swooping in and finishing off just about all of it when your guests haven't yet had the opportunity of a second helping is rude and greedy. It's not even about food; it would be the same type of "crime" to use all the hot water before overnight guests have had a chance to shower, or to give an elderly visitor the least comfortable chair. Putting guests first is just basic hospitality. I thought every adult knew this stuff - I'm astounded by the number of people who think the OP's DH didn't do anything wrong.

Putting guests first is just basic hospitality.

And that includes providing enough food for them in the first place. Not deciding their portions in advance.

Yes, the DH should have got more food out rather than finishing most of what was there, but his wasn't the only mistake here.

It isn't that the OPs husband didn't do anything wrong. It is that the OPs shaming of her husband both in front of family and here , on this thread, are worse. In my opinion much worse things to do to a spouse. I honestly feel she has over reacted and has shown how much she dislikes her husband.

I catered with their eating habits in mind, but people are completely missing the point that the only person who over-ate here was the host himself.

If you catered with their eating habits in mind, including your husband's, why was the food not enough?

He didn't overeat. You just didn't make enough and allow for extra. You want to insist he overate to support your comments about him being greedy.

You say he always does this...always eats everything left on the buffet ....then I don't believe you ever cook enough if in one clean swoop on one plate, he's always able to clear what's left.

I genuinely didn't think he would on this occasion as I was plating up the food.

Why wouldn't he do what he has always done just because you're plating up?

All this reference to him hiding away, is probably as a result of the way you make him feel about food.

You looking from the corner of your eye is probably not as discreet as you think it is.

If I was a guest and the host shamed her H in the way you did, I'd be very uncomfortable with it.

Given that so much of the population is overweight, I imagine half the people on this thread must be fat greedy bastards who behave like animals around food and therefore, a bit hypocritical. Hope their husbands humiliate them in front of people and on the internet for it because that's clearly acceptable.

@borntohula

Aren’t you a charmer.

@DustyMaiden thank you, I've taken inspiration from the language used throughout this thread.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable
Yes, it was a regular family dinner. I would make more for a big 'celebratory' meal where people were going to sit and eat and chat for hours (and where I wasn't caught slightly on the hop about who was going to be there), but everyone had their fill and were happy not to have pudding. But the OP says this was not that kind of meal, it was a casual lunch, just taking advantage of the opportunity to meet up again.

OP, I think you made plenty of food. That would translate to one and half pitta pockets (I'd cut mine in half horizontally, so I'd end up with three pockets per person - I personally would not want that many, but someone else might), plus substantial salads, plus crisps for a bit of frou-frou (crisps are not a food group! they're simply there to make sandwiches sexier). And then three kinds of cake! For a casual lunch. Loads.

However - your husband does sound like he has very odd behaviour around food, and you sound like you are at the end of your tether with it, and disinclined to be supportive, but rather impatient and judgmental.

My father loves his food, never says no to an offer of food, or seconds, or thirds. Can't bear to see food left on the table. Is a bit round, but not especially heavy, and in good health. My mother judges him and nags at him - 'you've still got food on your plate, why are you taking more?..'ooh, pudding, fat boy'. He's 90 next birthday, for god's sake! if he can't enjoy a doughnut at this stage, when can he?? Hilariously (well, no, I don't mean that, but it does seem like karma) it's my MUM who has been diagnosed with Type II diabetes. Her nagging and shaming doesn't change his behaviour, it just creates bad feeling and makes her look bad and him look bullied. Do you want to be like my parents? I would suggest not!

Mumsnet is weird. I have never seen anyone eat 2 and a half chicken breasts at one meal and we have rugby players in my family. I’m sorry but that much chicken and 2 or 3 pittas is too much food. In a normal social meal, people take some food and then go back for more. So if the husband had taken one chicken breast, eaten with the rest of the family and then taken a second at the same time as other people were enjoying a second helping, then that would have been more reasonable. If it was my DH, I would have been cross too.

I have to say, I didn't realise this was a thread in relationships till someone pointed it out - I assumed AIBU from the tone of it.

Still, given you posted it in relationships, OP, you are focusing way too much on the food and not enough on the relationship here.

I'm interested in why your DH wasn't really socialising. I would also like to know if you've tried planning events like this together? Or at least, since you give the impression this happens fairly regularly, have you talked to him about your expectations regarding how much is left for seconds? Asked him to make his own food if he's still hungry - or to assist with the catering in the first place?

@Ludicruss I really don't think you have undercatered but that you might have catered the wrong things, because people didn't go for the salads. That happens, you can't always guess what your guests will eat.

However, the only appropriate thing for your DH to do in that situation would be to take the things your guests weren't overly keen on, i.e. the salads and eat something else later on.

To be fair, his overall behaviour on the day does point towards hypothyrodism for me. If my thyroxine isn't adjusted well, I could eat for days and never feel full. I will never forget the first time they hit the right dose - I was 18 and had never felt "full" before. It was the strangest feeling at first. Obviously, nobody can diagnose anyone at a distance, and that also would not excuse his behaviour, but if you want him to change, a blood test at the GP to check this out would be a good idea.

If 1.5 chicken breasts were allocated per person....then that is the amount that should have been put on their plates to begin with. Same as the pitta bread portions.

If you did this there wouldn't have been an issue, except with the crisps that you didn't provide enough of.

Your DH may well have still been hungry even if you did this, but then he would have had to sort himself out with something more from the kitchen.

What it sounds like, is you and your mum took smaller than your allocation...to have it look like a small amount on your plate...then go back for more later. Your H probably thought everyone's taken what they wanted, as it wasn't a buffet and that they had been given their allocated portions.

You could have made a million salad choices...but salads are hardly ever the most popular items.

[quote Browzingss]@user1481840227 everyone’s perspective is different though. I’m short and slim and 1200 cals are my daily maintenance calories if I don’t exercise! So I couldn’t personally consume 1200 calories for lunch alone. I appreciate it would be different for someone larger than me though, but I can see where others are coming from when they say that’s sufficient or even too much food.[/quote]
I'm size 6-8 and could easily eat that or more!
I wouldn't every day but think about a bbq for example, a quarter pounder with a bun would probably have 400kcal, most people would probably have 2, add on some crisps or nibbles and you hit 1200 easily!

Of course we could say it's sufficient or even too much food for a lunch, and it probably would be too much on a daily basis, but at a social event people often eat more, without realising or even stuffing their faces and that's fine too!

It's really rude of the host to take large quantities of the food, leaving the guests short.
If OP had undercatered then that was him embarrassing her, not the other way around. It's greedy and thoughtless.
If he was still that starving, he could have had something else to eat later on.

It’s just bad manners to finish off the leftovers without asking. No matter how much was on your plate to start with. Eating disorder or not, it’s just rude.

It sounds like there’s a lot of disordered eating and the emotive language the OP uses suggests she has her own issues. MIL with an eating disorder, SIL with a gastric band - interesting no one has really picked up on that.

Food is such an emotional issue. It’s how many people show love to others, it’s how we console ourselves. We need it to live but we’re bombarded with mixed messages by the media.

The vitriol shown by some posters has shocked me. I feel for the OP and for her husband. Lots of issues to sort out. OP - do you think you maybe project your own issues about food into your husband? As you said you’re a bit bigger yourself, how is your relationship with food?

Peace and love to all. I do hate the whole “be kind” thing in lots of ways 🤢 but I really think it applies here!

I think the OP doesn't eat much herself and therefore, expects her husband to eat the same as her. He's a man. He needs more, despite what Mumsnet says. It's like the OP deliberately under catered so her guests could see that he was being 'greedy'

He didn't eat an enormous amount. The OP has food issues

How much did you plate up for yourself @Ludicruss ?

I cannot understand a grown man who behaves in this way, skulking about, hiding, not communicating with anyone, eating his food miles away from the other guests

I can understand this fully, irrelevant of gender. Sometimes a spouse wishes to be so in control saying anything will lead to a shit storm and it’s easier just to fuck off out of it.

I have never seen anyone eat 2 and a half chicken breasts at one meal and we have rugby players in my family

Really, how odd, come to my house and you can see it regularly. My husband had three the other night as he was hungry and I can do it too, neither of us are overweight.

It is weird to only allocate 1.5 portions of chicken and pitta bread to people.

If people loved it and there had been leftovers and you asked if anyone wanted more and a few of the adults said i'd love another chicken in pitta bread please then you would have had to say they could only have half of one each!!

I'm astounded by the number of people who think the OP's DH didn't do anything wrong.

Me too. As host and the last to plate up, he should have ensured there was enough food left in case guests wanted more to eat. If he was still hungry, he could have had some bread and butter or toast later on to fill up.

To me, the portion sizes sound fine for a casual lunch.

All the people for who have said 1 chicken breast or 1.5 chicken breasts are not enough, what size do you assume the chicken breast is? Genuine question.

I think the fact there was no other meat option as well , plenty of people would have a burger and a chicken breast , this probably is about as filling as 2.5 chicken breasts.... I think the fact that only a tiny bit of chicken was left was odd as well... Was that half a breast? Or was it cubed up smaller? If it was cubed up smaller how did the OP know how much chicken her husband had? And if if was half a breast , were the breasts of chicken really small?

We could go round all day on the details of the food catering at this lunch, but I think the vitriol began in the opening post and did continue throughout, a lot has been aimed at the OP but an awful lot has been aimed at the OPs husband, and he's not able to defend himself.

All some guy did was eat a plate of food after everyone was finished being served. We don't know what was going through his mind or how hungry he was but we sure know that his wife is deeply unhappy about it. She didn't speak to him about it though , no she embarrassed him about crisps then set off down to Mumsnet so other people could critisise and ridicule him as well , that would have kept her happy , I've no doubt about that.

@user1481840227

It is weird to only allocate 1.5 portions of chicken and pitta bread to people.

If people loved it and there had been leftovers and you asked if anyone wanted more and a few of the adults said i'd love another chicken in pitta bread please then you would have had to say they could only have half of one each!!

Just slap it out of their hands and screech "Don't be so greedy! That's not all for you! Weren't you ever taught to share??" So welcoming...

It is especially weird if you know full well that one of the adults routinely eats more than that for lunch.

OP - have you considered the dynamics around food in the family? I think a frank and judgement-free conversation with your DH is needed. I missed the post about your SIL having a gastric band, but it sounds as though at least 3 of the adults present (his DM, your SIL and your DH) have issues with disordered eating. His food issues aren't in isolation - there are some unhealthy dynamics throughout the group when it comes to mealtimes.

Disordered eating is a lot more socially acceptable when it involves publicly denying yourself food.... taking tiny portions and going without while others eat. I think at least some of those present were doing that - making sure to be seen taking tiny amounts of food.

Nothing about this makes sense though. Even the claim that DH took double what others did doesn't make sense.

DM and SIL only took 'tiny' portions. Let's say 1/2 a breast each (a whole breast would be a fairly normal portion, not 'tiny').
DH took 2.5 breasts.
That adds up to 3.5 breasts out of 9.

In order for there to be c. 1/2 a breast (2 slices) left, the other 2 adults and 1 child must have eaten 5 in total, (2 per adult and 1 for the child?). Similar logic applies for the pitta bread. Yet none of the others are being judged.

This is definitely about problems in the relationship, and unhealthy dynamics around food, not about what he actually ate.