Embarrassingly greedy DH

[Ludicruss]

Today, we had a socially distanced gathering for a handful of people in our garden. It was great, but I'd forgotten about the way DH behaves around food when we're entertaining in our own home.
I was serving the food myself to prevent the risk of any covid contamination, wearing gloves. DH goes to find something to do inside whilst I serve the food for everyone and myself. He reappears when everyone starts eating and serves his own plate. What he then does is finish EVERYTHING off, leaving no possibility for me to return to serve up seconds for anyone. I was mortified. His plate was over flowing and more than doubled everyone elses plate.
I could see him standing at the side of the garden eating away his mountain of food out of the corner of my eye, DM got up to see what was left when she had finished, clearly intending to have some more. But all of it had gone.
I had tipped 3 packets of crisps into one bowl and nobody had asked for any during the first time I was serving, when I looked into the bowl after DHs visit, there were around 8 crisps left in the bottom of it. He had demolished almost all of them.
There was a tiny piece of chicken left and a pitta bread which DM ate as she clearly hadn't finished eating ( she had only wanted a small amount on her plate originally). I was also still hungry.
I had made most of the food and I'm pissed off that my effort was wasted on him stuffing himself with it all.
I was utterly embarrassed.
I made a joke about him eating all the crisps and DH went extremely red in the face. He will no doubt call me out on it later on for embarrassing HIM!
He is very over-weight and embarrassed about it, but nobody is allowed to mention it or his eating habits. And yet he stuffed himself with all the food for the guests.

How do I broach this? I love entertaining, I have really missed it, but he spoilt it for me today.

He doesn't do this when he visits other peoples houses,just at ours.

If there is ever shared food on the table at regular meal times,he always seems to wait until we all have a bit on our plates and then eats everything that's left. Sometimes I find myself filling my own plate with too much before he dives in and eats it all. I rarely serve food this way in th3 evenings because of his greediness. But it can't be helped when entertaining.

What do I say to him?
It's ridiculous.

but it sounds as though at least 3 of the adults present (his DM, your SIL and your DH) have issues with disordered eating.

It's the OPs DM

Is add OP to the list of people with an issue about food.

I'm not diagnosing people with limited information.

My BILS and SIL eat large portions. Much more than my own siblings. So when I'm catering for them, I don't start saying 3 slices of beef is an adequate portion, even if I think it is.

I would do more, knowing they're big eaters regardless of my personal view.
I don't want them to leave hungry. You know your DH and you should have cooked more.

If him taking the bit extra he did left everyone else hungry, it wasn't enough. He couldn't be blamed for not knowing others had not got what they wanted on their plates.

He ate last...which is what the host should do. He didn't dive in there and leave scraps for the guests.

I think a big issue when ppl eat a lot is whether they're also overweight.
When you eat a lot and are slim, ppl say nothing or things like "I don't know where he puts it" or "You're lucky, it doesn't show on you" It doesn't sound so negative...but when you're overweight, you're already self conscious, without your spouse or anyone else making comments about it.

OP said that his DM has an eating disorder. And the OP's DM took a tiny portion.

Regardless - weird behaviours going on all round.

What is a tiny portion when we're talking about chicken breasts and pita pockets anyway? They're not foods that are naturally divisible, like curry, for instance, where you dish it out by the ladle.
Would anyone really say "oh, that's too much, cut it into three and give me one piece"?
And op was serving, why would she ask "how much would you like?" with discrete items like that, instead of just serving one complete portion?

The main idea of a social gathering is enjoyment not this miserable bollocks.

That sounds like plenty of food for a lunch. Especially with all the pudding. Three chicken breasts Bluntness?! That’s loads

I agree that the husband just helped himself to what he thought was his portion once the guests had been served. How was he to know the OP had a) undercatered, b) had served up smaller amounts to the guests than their allocation and c) expected there to be a second round after he had taken his?

She didn't allow enough for a second round anyway! For a lunch you serve other people who are guests in your house, you allocate more than 'normal lunch portions' because you are the host and someone going hungry is the worst thing.

But if they had 3 desserts, why were they still hungry? I bet a tenner that the OP didn't allow enough dessert portions for each guest to have 3 desserts, but rather served a choice expecting them to choose 1 dessert or max 2 with small portions.

Did the husband get any dessert? I would imagine he would feel quite bad having that once he had been shamed for eating the crisps, and suffering dagger eyes from the OP about his plate.

Also, this thread is definitely going into Mumsnet Legend as the Chicken Pitta Gate!

The main idea of a social gathering is enjoyment not this miserable bollocks.

I couldn't agree more.

This sounds like having the food police on your back. Looking at the food on your plate, then being shamed about the crisps can't have been much fun for him.

I find 4 different salad selections a bit much for a casual lunch, when you would have been better off providing more of what people actually wanted to eat.

Nobody goes home saying there wasn't enough salad.

@TheNavigator

What I still don't get is how so many posters are just loving sticking the boot into the OP for 'under catering' - but the OP's husband was the host as much as she was the hostess. At least the OP was trying to cater for the guests - he had made no effort and just ate as much as he could. So he is certainly a bad host and rude. And to my mind greedy, as I would cater for my guests before myself.

So much sexism and women blaming in these posts. An adult male seems able to shuck off all responsibility onto his wife and then poster after poster can round on her about her portions. Depressing.

@TheNavigator I agree totally. This thread is bonkers.

Three chicken breasts Bluntness?! That’s loads

So? I’m not the food police. If my husband is hungry and fancies eating three chicken breasts he can. He’s a grown man, I don’t decide what he eats, and I don’t shame him for it either, just as he doesn’t me, and when we cater we ensure there is enough food for people to enjoy themselves and there is always seconds or thirds if our guests fancy .

I grew up in an Italian family. Food was put in the middle of the table And you helped yourself, and was a source of joy and love, feeding your friends and family. Not counting your half pitta breads and eight crisps and shaming each other for what you eat if it’s deemed too much.

No one has to hide to eat for fear of being shamed.

The OP came onto Relationships for advice, yet posters are piling on with glee like the worst examples of AIBU. There is obviously and issue if she cannot have some family members over for lunch without her husband lurking furtively to eat all the food. Hosting should be a shared occasion, not one of you doing the work while the other one undermines it. Add to the fact that the DH has a weight problem and I can understand the OP has had enough.

OP, I would be embarrassed by my DH behaving in such a way in front of family and I think the best thing you can do is try to open a door of communication - ideally when food is not around! Can you go for a walk together and let him know how his behavour made you feel? See if he can explain and rationalise his actions for at the moment he just comes across as selfish - only you will know if that is in accord with his personality in general.

All weird, anti social and downright rude behaviour is always a womans fault don't you know. Either mother or wife. The man himself is just an animal controlled by these female puppet mistresses
I went on one date with a bloke once who didn't say a word the whole half hour he was eating and kept one whole arm wrapped round the front of his plate so nobody else could get at it and didn't look up once.
I toyed with the idea of sticking my fork into his food and nicking a bit but was scared he might turn feral so I left and never saw him again.

I went on one date with a bloke once who didn't say a word the whole half hour he was eating and kept one whole arm wrapped round the front of his plate so nobody else could get at it and didn't look up once.
That is both hilarious and deeply sad in equal measure.

It’s not sexist to point out that this particular woman has been very unkind and demeaning to her husband. If it was the other way around, my opinion would remain the same. I cannot see how publicly shaming your partner is acceptable, be they male or female.

It’s particularly hypocritical to lay the blame at her husband’s feet when the lunch was not adequately catered and the OP is overweight herself and surrounded by family members who struggle with healthy relationships with food themselves (MIL and SIL).

OP, I think you owe your husband an apology and he needs some help with readjusting his relationship with food. Public humiliation is not the way forward here.

People keep saying the OP embarrassed her husband. How did she do that?

TheNavigator You're right - this is Relationships. I did touch on this in my reply. This seems like a disproportional reaction to a relatively minor issue. I asked if OP has The Ick because she sounds so contemptuous of her husband, or if this was the final straw for her. I'd be interested to know why it's enraged her so much. From OP's description of portions, it doesn't sound to me like he ate an extreme amount, so while it was thoughtless, it's hardly disgusting. Man Vs. Food is much more unappealing.

So I think we need to know if it's part of a pattern of thoughtlessness - not just around food, because everyone has faults - before we can really advise relationship-wise.

She harangued him about eating all the crisps, in front of their guests.

@KitMarlowesCodpieceOfThigh

TheNavigator You're right - this is Relationships. I did touch on this in my reply. This seems like a disproportional reaction to a relatively minor issue. I asked if OP has The Ick because she sounds so contemptuous of her husband, or if this was the final straw for her. I'd be interested to know why it's enraged her so much. From OP's description of portions, it doesn't sound to me like he ate an extreme amount, so while it was thoughtless, it's hardly disgusting. Man Vs. Food is much more unappealing.

So I think we need to know if it's part of a pattern of thoughtlessness - not just around food, because everyone has faults - before we can really advise relationship-wise.

Well, if he’s a thoughtless and horrible man in general, that’s a different kettle of fish altogether.

So I think we need to know if it's part of a pattern of thoughtlessness - not just around food, because everyone has faults - before we can really advise relationship-wise.

Indeed, and we are never likely to get that information while posters are queueing up to harangue the OP and bleating on about chicken breasts.

Sounds like your other half binge eats. You need to have an honest conversation together where you are supportive and stress that you're worried about him and his health. You should be able to talk about anything with your partner, so if he shuts the conversation down, stay calm, smile, tell him you love him and persist.

Totally agree. Turning food into a source of moral judgement is what causes issues. The amount someone eats at any given meal is not something to judge them by.

Food was put in the middle of the table and you helped yourself.

This is how DH and I serve guests lunch. I have no idea how much each individual person takes because we don't count it. When the bread runs out, we slice / toast more.

Hosts don't have to quietly starve themselves while watching 'polite' guests pretend they only want tiny portions. Both hosts and guests eat whatever they fancy because there is plenty, and food is seen as enjoyable fuel rather than a battleground.

For a normal meal at home we often cook too much, in case one of us is extra hungry that day. We eat our fill, and any leftovers go for tomorrow's lunch or into the freezer to be reheated as a quick meal another day. Sometimes the extra gets finished on the night. No drama.

This is why many of us find the idea of deciding in advance the exact portion your guests are allowed to eat so odd. It's totally at odds with how we eat.

It's not about it being the woman's responsibility to cater (the DH had just as much responsibility to get some extra food out of the cupboard to serve the hungry guests), but about a miserly approach to food overall, accompanied by judgement and shaming of those who don't meet the approved standards of abstemiousness.

To be fair, the reason the OP plated up was due to Coronavirus so all this food in the middle of the table chat is not relevant here. Although I agree it’s nice to choose your own portion size. We didn’t ever do that as a family growing up as our table was very small!

How you all like to serve your guests is irrelevant (apart from the joy it obviously brings you in pointing out your superiority to the OP), the point is the OP is in a relationship with a man who takes all the food she had prepared for guests and she finds it impossible to broach the subject of his behaviour with him.

What is relevant is whether this follows a usual pattern of behaviour and what their communication is generally like. But that woulf obviously involve too much thought and reflection for posters who are obsessed with demonstrating how they are the hostess with the mostess.

Dishing up or not isn't really the point - it's the counting and measuring, the miserly and controlling approach.

Going by the numbers given, at least one other person must have had 2 chicken breasts. If the OP dished up, she will have seen this. But only the DH got judged. The food is being used as a stick to beat him with here.

the OP is in a relationship with a man who takes all the food she had prepared for guests

Is she? If you look at the numbers in my post at 13:28, there must have been at least one other adult (possibly two) who took almost as much chicken as the DH. It just doesn't add up.

He waited until everyone else had been served, then took a plate which was slightly bigger than some of the others present. That's hardly obscene gluttony.