Husband not happy with sex life

[Mum0fF0ur]

I've found myself here after a google search lead me to an old thread titled My husband completely loses it when I have my period from March 2019. Reading through the replies was a real eye opener.

I almost feel like I'm here to justify my husband's behaviour, while asking for advice on how to deal with it. My husband does not completey lose it, nor does he get angry and shout at me, but he makes it known my period is an inconvenience for him and "our" sex life. I've been on the pill to skip periods due to low iron (my tubes are tied so don't need it as contraception). After 1-3 months I'd start to have a breakthrough bleed so I'd stop the pill and have my period come on to get it over and done with. Then restart the pill after my period. Almost each time he'd ask me if I skipped or missed my pills, as though I'd done it on purpose. I tried to explain about the breakthrough bleed/spotting starting on its own.

I stopped taking the pill in March to give my body a break from it so I'm back to my 28 day cycles. Yesterday we were out and I was looking in the car for a tampon, and he asks "seriously?". "Yes, I have my period. I need to find a bathroom at our next stop." His whole mood changed, he stopped making conversation and although he wasn't shouting or anything, I could tell he wasn't happy.

He tries it on almost every morning. I personally would rather sleep an extra 5 minutes! It's not unusual for me to be up a couple of times with our youngest two children. I just don't wake up in the mood? When I get up and go to walk out of the bedroom to start getting our kids up for school, he let's me know he was hoping for sex. A few times this results in doors being slammed when he gets up a few minutes after me.

Just curious if anyone else has been through this and came to a resolution to save their marriage. Thank you.

[ravenmum]

"our" sex life
The quotation marks say it all, by the sound of it.

Depressing read.

[Seaweed42]

Every day? He's looking for it every day. With a sense of entitlement.
You decide, when and how often you allow a penis to penetrate your body. Make that decision, then tell him about that. If needs be have a scheduled day each week. It's the only way you'll be able to relax in your own bed.
In some ways, you are allowing this to happen. You allow him to 'lead' the behaviour. Because maybe in your own family the 'Dad' was the head of the house and the women were more or less servants who tended his needs. You expect him to magically change or to mind read some fairly subtle clues like pretending to be asleep or jumping out of the bed before he wakes up because you don't feel safe and relaxed in your own bed.
He thinks you are one of his possessions and currently you are not giving him any feedback or information about your side of things.

[Aerial2020]

Ok Vodka, you don't do 'muddled up'
Fine
What I was trying to say is that the only level if abuse is non. No seeing it from the abusers side, no 'what about his needs', no but 'we've got small children' and have to manage that so he doesn't feel left out etc etc etc There is non and never will be an excuse to treat someone like that for sex.

[Osirus]

My DH can get grumpy sometimes (never about sex) and it used to get to me now I just ignore it and pretend he’s not grumpy. He snaps out of it much faster these days !

Can’t you just “let him” be moody - ignore it? He’ll have more respect for you if you stand up for yourself.

[00Sassy]

@Chucklecheeks01

Thank you.
Yes, I know deep down it’s all on him.

I once tried telling him it felt like rape (the waking up and realising but having no memory of it) and he said that he was drunk too and asked how come me being drunk made me the victim.
Totally messed with my head at the time but now I do see it very clearly.

[DisobedientHamster]

It's not about the sex. It about entitlement and him owing your body.
It's about control. He is reminding you he has the power. Your body is his when he wants it.

This.

Your husband is abusive.

[Pokske]

Your husband wants a plastic woman, known as a doll. Real women have periods.
Did he not have biology lessons ?
Besides that, he doesn't let you sleep when you're tired. He doesn't need a woman, he needs a slave.
He sounds abusive and infantile.

[Toastandjams]

.

[jeaux90]

He sounds gross and abusive. What an entitled prick.

[NoMoreDickheads]

mind read some fairly subtle clues like pretending to be asleep

@Seaweed42 I wouldn't say that one is difficult for someone to read. And I expect OP has told her DH she's not a morning person.

If 00Sassy is the OP he's even raped her when she was drunk/asleep.

Can’t you just “let him” be moody - ignore it?

@Osirus I wouldn't be able to relax with a cloud of someone's mood over the house/ walking on eggshells.

[00Sassy]

@NoMoreDickheads

I’m not the OP.

[Ivebeenthinkingtoomuch]

OP I have a husband who is exactly the same. He will sulk about the lack of sex, most weekends I’m woken by being groped (not in the week as he gets up at 5 for work), when I’m on my period I don’t even get a kiss or a cuddle which I assume is because it won’t go nowhere. If I’m going out with friends he’s literally buzzing because he thinks he’s in there and if I come home too drunk he’ll sulk and have a go at me because he can’t get any (if I’m feeling sick etc) It’s really killed the passion I ever had for him and now I don’t want him near me which then makes the whole cycle worse. I’ve tried to leave 3 times and been persuaded into staying, even my mum said to me to suck it up for the sake of the few minutes it takes!! Told her I would never expect my daughter to do that so why should I?
It’s really shit!!

[Regularsizedrudy]

This is not a normal loving relationship

[Russellbrandshair]

This is horribly abusive. How dare he try to shame you for a bodily function you have no control over. He’s a literal piece of shit to behave like this and you deserve better. You need to really consider if you can stay with someone so utterly abhorrent. I couldn’t.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

I dont think there is much you can do. Someone who gets another person to have sex with them not because that other person wants to, but because they think it's a better option than being sulked at, is someone who has no empathy and thinks his wants are more important.

Treating someone badly, sulking, not communicating etc. as a way to force them to have sex with you is not ok.

[TheMurk]

I’m amazed at what people will put up with in their daily lives.

Please take yourself and your children away from this man. He’s not your partner or your friend, and he doesn’t view you as an equal.

How old are you both? He seems immature at best.

[NoMoreDickheads]

@00Sassy Isn't it awful how many of us have been in similar situations.

[Mum0fF0ur]

We don't have any sex everyday, minimum would be once a week, but usually 2-3 times a week. He sometimes keeps track and lets me know how long it's been..

He will sometimes check for tampon wrappers so he knows when my period is finished.

[julia2001]

i've been through something similar when my pregnancy began i was not in the mood for sex at all. my partner wanted it every morning and night ( that's what we done before i was pregnant). i just told him no sorry and eventually he got used to waiting for me to want it. it does sound abit shit but when i was throwing up all the time and having bad heartburns and back pain. i was not interested at all. so i suggest only have sex when your in the mood and he will get used to it☺️ x

[CodenameVillanelle]

So we've all expressed outrage at his behaviour- what do you want to happen next? Do you just want to moan about him or do you want to plan?

[AnyFucker]

This is no way to live

[Mum0fF0ur]

I didn't mean to come across as moaning. I guess at the moment I wanted to feel justified in my thoughts that this behaviour is not okay. I am going to suggest counselling (for him), and maybe relationship counselling for us both later down the track depending on the outcome of his counselling.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. I appreciate it.

[category12]

He will sometimes check for tampon wrappers so he knows when my period is finished

Jesus.

Track this line of thought back - he checks the bins to see if your period is over, because.. He thinks you'll withhold sex... Because he knows you don't want sex... But he wants to have sex with you anyway... Which makes him a [insert relevant word].

Does he think he has a problem? Because unless he agrees, him going to counselling is going to do bugger all.

[category12]

You're not coming across as moaning.