My child wants to me get a divorce!!

[Bookworm36]

I need advice plz. We are Not rich, not poor, just comfortable. I'm a sahm, husband earns enough to look after us and pays for everything. We have 2 kids under 10. They have everything they want, we go on lovely holidays, have a lovely home etc.

Id like to think I'm a good mum. I'm shouty but apart from that I play with my kids, take them places, give them all of my love and attention. We have a lovely relationship.

My husband is what can be described as a fun sponge /Victor meldrew. We could be having a lovely relaxed day then as soon as he walks in the door from work, everything becomes negative. He has more rules for the kids, tells them off for things I wouldn't, doesn't show his emotions, doesn't play with them etc. When we go on holidays etc he walks round with a moody face all the time but says he's fine. I have to keep asking him if he's OK.

Weve been together for 20 years and he wasn't like this at the start. I am by no means perfect and when we clash it is because of our parenting styles. He's too strict, and I'm too soft.

My daughter is a very good girl, causes us no problems, she's very happy, contented.
Our son who is 9, has mild sen, he doesn't and never has played with toys. He has an xbox that he wants to be on all the time, we give him rules and my husband is very strict on it, he can go on at weekends for 4 hours each time. But we all end up arguing alot about it, as when he's asked to come off it could be just as his friend has come online so he wants to then stay on and play with them. He then wanders round like a lost soul with nothing to do. He can't entertain himself at all and finds no pleasure in things. He's always been this way.

Anyway, he has started to ask me to seperate from his dad, and telling me that he hates him. He tells me that as soon as he reaches 16 or 18 he will leave and never wants to see my husband again. I will reiterate, my husband provides everything, he has never ever hit them or even really punished them for things. He's just strict, has rules and doesn't show his emotions. My son thinks that if my husband wasn't here, then my son could do what he wants all the time!! With no rules! I've told him this wouldn't be the case as he'd still have rules with me, and also he would have to spend time with his dad aswell and I wouldn't be there!! My son thinks this because some of his friends parents are seperated, so they get 2 bedrooms, 2 lots of presents, 2 holidays etc. It all sounds fab to him!!

The problem is, is I no longer love my husband. There is nothing to love because he is so joyless. I am trapped by being a sahm with no money of my own. I would love nothing more than to seperate with him right now, I often dream about it. But I won't do it because I cannot bare the thought of not having full custody of my children and having to be away from them. In my mind I dream of when they are teenagers I will do it but it's a long way off. Up to 10 years.
To hear my child say he wants it to happen is awful and I just don't know what to do! Someone please advise me, my son is talking about something that is life changing yet the only reasons he wants it is he thinks ill let him play on his xbox all day!! But if only he knew how I really felt inside

Well the quick response would be to tell your son that he won't get to play on the xbox more than he does now anyway, so what are the other reasons?

I think I would be having some time out with my husband to tell him that this can't continue, that he either enjoys having a family and behaves accordingly, or it's only a matter of time before you'll separate.

Divorcing on the say-so of a child - without grounds - wouldn't be sensible. How long before son starts telling you that you're 'not up to it' either?

You're not trapped; you can leave if you want to, you're married and you have rights, but your life would change as would everybody's - your husband's life, the children's life would change - but it's doable if that's what you think you need to do.

There are a few issues here and it seems to me that you should first start looking for a job. What did you do before? May not be that appealing but a lot of supermarkets are hiring at the moment. This will help if you do decide to leave your dh.

I think you also need to communicate how you feel to your dh ie that he is joyless etc. Could he have depression? Could you have marriage counseling?

Sounds like you do need to set better boundaries for your son and it is confusing him that he has two sets of rules. It also sounds like he needs to bond with his dad more, could they spend time together? Your son will benefit from developing interests outside the Xbox, is there anything they could do together? Fishing or gardening or something?

Is it really the shallow/mercenary aspect of imagining 2 lots of presents etc, or is it that your dh makes life miserable for all of you?

If you're miserable, and the dc are miserable, then you're doing them no favours waiting until they're teenagers to split up. What will change then to make it a better time, in your view? There'll be exams to think about, etc.

I no longer love my husband
You son might have a point. This is a good reason to separate, without anything else.

I'd suggest you start to get yourself a job, or at least improve your employment prospects.
How old is your DD?
As your children become older they have more say over how much contact they have with their father. The most common arrangement is something like every other weekend, with one over night during the week. Tue 50:50 is rare unless both parents can live close enough to make it workable.
I'd suggest you start to talk to professionals and get advice. Find out your legal rights, get an idea about finances etc.

I feel your pain similar situation but not willing to lose time with my dc. Dream of the big day when I can be free but put up With it for now selfish reason for me and dc loves dad so cannot break them up for my own needs. But I would speak to your dh whilst lockdown is here is he doing anyone any harm being online all day? Once he’s back at school it won’t be aslong why have him moody just to please ur dh he’s a kid who wants his friends to talk to. As for divorce tell your ds you cannot divorce his dad just to please him and get him 2 of everything good luck for the future

You do get used to having time away from the dc - in fact start looking forward to it a bit. I really struggled with it at first, but it isn't that bad - and you've got to think about what sort of environment you're providing your dc. is it better to live 100% of the time with a fun-sponge and broken adult relationship, or is it better to have a happier mum and spend part of the time with Dad who might try harder as a NRP.

My ex was like this, I kicked him out and the kids very rarely want to go see him now. (Always said i would never force them if they didn't want to) All of his own making.

If you actually want to divorce him - don't do it on the say so of a 9 year old.
I wouldn't wait until the kids were teenagers- it will just cause an atmosphere that is unbearable to live in, they will remember it forever.
Could you look at some family counselling sessions where it could all be discussed in a neutral environment.

Not the point of your thread but when my ds was in primary, he would use my phone to text his friend so he knew what time his friend would be playing on his PlayStation so they could meet up virtually

Waiting until the kids are teens is setting a bad example for their future relationships. Start laying the groundwork now.

Staying for the kids makes kids feel guilty later.

I agree about not waiting until the kids are over - if this behaviour is a dea-lbreaker and your husband won't change it, then get out asap. It's never in the best interest of the children to stay in a marriage that is unhappy and not working.

Your children mustn't be used to hang on to your comfort zone, OP, so think about what you want to do - then act accordingly.

After lockdown when everything is back to normal, could you look for a job? so your're not so dependant on him, you will probably find that your confidence to drive yourself out of the marriage will come too if thats what you want.

Does your DH feel under pressure being the sole earner for the family do you think? It may help you to look for a job and get some independence if you can .Does your DH have any one to one time with your Son for some male bonding at all? Maybe really talk to DH one to one and see where he is coming from.If you divorce him ,it should be if you cant see any other way. Not because a young child thinks they will get more toys!

I would start looking to get back into work of some sort.
It will give you options if you decide to make big changes.

Four hours on the xbox in one go sounds like an insanely long amount of time to me. The polar opposite of strict. And it doesn’t sound like it’s doing your son any good. He needs to find other ways of entertaining himself. And he needs more boundaries, not less - including what is and isn’t acceptable to tell his parents to do.
Separately you need to decide whether you want a divorce.

I divorced my husband when ds was 6, his dad got EOW as access, ds is 16 now & no longer sees his dad, his choice.

Waiting until your children grow up to end a marriage to someone you no longer love will make you miserable & it sounds like your children are unhappy too. Look for a job if you can & make the break so you can all have some happiness.

We had a joy sucking shouty Daddy in the house and I was biding my time financially until I could support myself, knowing I was done. Then my 6 y o DS started saying 'Make Daddy go away, Mummy'. I worked very hard to make sure the child did not think himself responsible for the split later that year. We're doing OK with EOW except the oldest doesn't want to go, but goes to look out for her 10.yo.brother

Think hard about why you are staying with a man you don't love.

Is it because you enjoy being the favourite parent and you are happy to stand between the dc developing a better relationship with their dad?

Is it because you enjoy the financial security and want to leave on your own terms even if that means role modeling a relationship where one party is using the other to your children?

Is it because you don't want to leave and be seen as destroying a family so you want to place responsibility for this decision on your son. You being his hero for saving him from this joyless life.

If all that sounds harsh it comes from my experience of growing up in a family identical to the situation you describe. The divorce happened once the dc left home in my case. The toxic family atmosphere has left lasting mental scars on every member of my family. You should be loving your dh or leaving him. No in between.

Life won't work out the way your son thinks sadly.

it's tough, you want to be rid but what do you live on, benefits? If you do work who looks after the kids? It an impossible catch 22, this is why I was never a SAHM becuase I soon grew to hate my angry husband and he was desperate for me to give up work so I'd be trapped.

I'd tell you to go and start training for something now, NHS degree or whatever so you can leave later on and have a pension.

Don't do it on the day so if a 9 year old. Do it if you really don't love him. Regardless of whether you divorce m, you and your dh need to compromise on how to parent your child. 4 hours on an Xbox is a long time! However if you're asking a child to leave something they want to do then it's important to encourage them/ give them opportunities to do something else- play a game/ bake/ go for a cycle etc. Your child has picked up that you and dh are not on same page and is using this to try and manipulate you.

Weve been together for 20 years and he wasn't like this at the start

Have you tried speaking to your husband about this change? He may feel under pressure being the sole earner, and when he comes home to find you and the kids don't want him there at all. He may feel pushed out and resentful, you get to be the fun "no rules" parent, he gets all the pressure of being the strict parent and the one out at work all day. Now you are hesitant to end the relationship because you don't want to give up the days out and the holidays, do you think he doesn't feel all that? I think I would have a face like a slapped arse too in those circumstances, and feel very used. After 20 years together the least he deserves is an open conversation about the relationship.

Our son who is 9, has mild sen, he doesn't and never has played with toys. He has an xbox that he wants to be on all the time,

So that sounds to me like he’s speaking with the ultra-honesty of aspergers. Is that it? It does tend to be a characteristic of high functioning proportion the spectrum that they’re very perceptive, very analytical and don’t feel the need to varnish the truth. Maybe he’s just being a bit older than his years and extremely honest?

Highly functioning PEOPLE on the spectrum^

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You must be getting something out of this relationship with your husband otherwise why at all stay with him?

Whose sake are you staying for, theirs or yours?. I would argue that you are staying for your own sake because it’s why you know and it’s somehow “easier”.

Your son is perceptive and does indeed pick up on all the vibes here at home, both spoken and unspoken. My guess too is that he can sense how unhappy you are and you’re not able to shield them fully from their fun sponge dad. He has expressed an opinion and even though he is nine you should carefully consider his words. It took some courage to tell you that. I can indeed see your own relationship with him being further damaged particularly if he does leave home at the earliest opportunity he gets.

What Laura Ashley sofa wrote.

Staying for the sake of the children is teaching them that a happy relationship for them is not their birthright. It also places a heavy burden upon them and one which they will not say thanks mum to you for.

You have a choice re this man, they do not.

Time and again on here you see adults write that their mother or father did not step up properly to the plate for them and or made poor excuses when it came to their other abusive or negligent parent when they were children. Their parents put their own needs and wants ahead of the children. This has indeed caused these now adults to walk away from both parents here. Do not let that happen to you.

How old is your daughter? Where I live the courts say they cannot compel kids to live with a parent they do not get on with - so it’s possible that after age 12 you’d have them all the time with perhaps weekly dinners or Saturday mornings with Victor Meldrew. My exh was a Victor and my daughter didn’t see him from age 16 (due to his gloom and his misogyny) & our son was just once a week and now is using Covid as an excuse to swerve him completely (not much of an excuse as things are very loose here as we’ve had zero confirmed cases for ages).

He may well be depressed, and that’s a shame, but it’s impossible to live with someone miserable long term, I certainly tried. And I don’t think the “pressure” of being the sole wage earner gives anyone a pass to be a misery guts.