My child wants to me get a divorce!!

[Bookworm36]

I need advice plz. We are Not rich, not poor, just comfortable. I'm a sahm, husband earns enough to look after us and pays for everything. We have 2 kids under 10. They have everything they want, we go on lovely holidays, have a lovely home etc.

Id like to think I'm a good mum. I'm shouty but apart from that I play with my kids, take them places, give them all of my love and attention. We have a lovely relationship.

My husband is what can be described as a fun sponge /Victor meldrew. We could be having a lovely relaxed day then as soon as he walks in the door from work, everything becomes negative. He has more rules for the kids, tells them off for things I wouldn't, doesn't show his emotions, doesn't play with them etc. When we go on holidays etc he walks round with a moody face all the time but says he's fine. I have to keep asking him if he's OK.

Weve been together for 20 years and he wasn't like this at the start. I am by no means perfect and when we clash it is because of our parenting styles. He's too strict, and I'm too soft.

My daughter is a very good girl, causes us no problems, she's very happy, contented.
Our son who is 9, has mild sen, he doesn't and never has played with toys. He has an xbox that he wants to be on all the time, we give him rules and my husband is very strict on it, he can go on at weekends for 4 hours each time. But we all end up arguing alot about it, as when he's asked to come off it could be just as his friend has come online so he wants to then stay on and play with them. He then wanders round like a lost soul with nothing to do. He can't entertain himself at all and finds no pleasure in things. He's always been this way.

Anyway, he has started to ask me to seperate from his dad, and telling me that he hates him. He tells me that as soon as he reaches 16 or 18 he will leave and never wants to see my husband again. I will reiterate, my husband provides everything, he has never ever hit them or even really punished them for things. He's just strict, has rules and doesn't show his emotions. My son thinks that if my husband wasn't here, then my son could do what he wants all the time!! With no rules! I've told him this wouldn't be the case as he'd still have rules with me, and also he would have to spend time with his dad aswell and I wouldn't be there!! My son thinks this because some of his friends parents are seperated, so they get 2 bedrooms, 2 lots of presents, 2 holidays etc. It all sounds fab to him!!

The problem is, is I no longer love my husband. There is nothing to love because he is so joyless. I am trapped by being a sahm with no money of my own. I would love nothing more than to seperate with him right now, I often dream about it. But I won't do it because I cannot bare the thought of not having full custody of my children and having to be away from them. In my mind I dream of when they are teenagers I will do it but it's a long way off. Up to 10 years.
To hear my child say he wants it to happen is awful and I just don't know what to do! Someone please advise me, my son is talking about something that is life changing yet the only reasons he wants it is he thinks ill let him play on his xbox all day!! But if only he knew how I really felt inside

Wait - if the house is in your name then it most likely goes into the pool of marital property upon divorce.
Whoops. Unless other steps were taken?

Borrow some money from your parents and go and see a solicitor asap.

And do divorce him before any inheritance comes through.

I'm not particularly leaping to LTB btw, it just sounds fairly clear that neither of you love the other any more.

Oh and 4h on the XBox particularly all in one go doesn't sound healthy. But that's a post for the parenting boards really.

Also I should add that we haven't had sex in 4 years, haven't even kissed each other since u can't even remember, and we have seperate bedroom's in so ashamed we've got ourselves into this situation as he's not happy either

@Bookworm36

We pay my parents full price rent, I say we, my husband pays it to my dad every month just like a normal rental property, but the house is actually in my name.

I say we, my husband pays it - no, you both do, you have a joint account and although you don't contribute financially to the bank account, that is because you gave up your career to be a SAHP and look after his children (pretty much single-handedly bu the sounds of it). That is your contribution, and in a way it is a financial contribution, make no mistake.

Are your parents aware of the situation, and would they be sympathetic?

Would they expect you to pay full rent if you and your DH split up and he moved out?

@TitianaTitsling we had legal documents drawn up in the event of a split he gets 40 percent of the house value or whatever he's paid in rent, which ever is higher.

I think you need to place down more rules and stop letting your son rule his life. You're there to parent, no be their best friend.

You husband needs to cheer up.

You need to get a divorce simply because you don't love your husband.

Your divorce and relationship has absolutely nothing to do with your son.

I just wanted to say that four hours is a very long time to be on a screen and that being ‘bored’ is actually good for children. Maybe if he wasn’t on that for so long he could be encouraged to do other things, like baking, cycling, skateboarding, drawing etc?

He plays on the xbox with his friends from school it's mostly a social thing as he wants to speak to them on the headset. They are in the same class at school. Those boys are allowed on every night after school and all day Sat and Sunday unless they go out somewhere. Since lockdown they have been allowed on every day all day. We don't allow this, so we compromised with the 4 hours at weekends, but he feels very hard done by as the others are on there.

@Bookworm36

Just because his friends do it, it doesn't mean you follow the crowd.

Lots of decisions annoyed me when I was younger that my mother made, but age and hindsight and made me incredibly grateful for the harsher decisions she made.

You make a decision as a parent with a balance of your child's happiness and wellness at heart, not simply happiness.

I think you should just give up on your non marriage
You can sort this, take your freedom.

Sorry if I sounded harsh in my first post @Bookworm36 but your update has changed my view! Have you had any discussion with him on how unhappy you both are?

Leave your son out of this for now. He's annoyed that his Dad stops him playing the XBOX, he doesn't really know what a divorce entails. You are just using that to provide a 'reason' that you might get a divorce.
You haven't had sex for 4yrs and sleep in separate bedrooms. Why is that? Do you ask your DH to help with the kids? Why does he not do the bath and bed some nights of the week. Do you prefer things when it's only you that looks after the kids? Do you ever go out yourself on a an evening, to a class or on a social trip? You've surely been out 1 evening and he's had to look after the evening routine? Does he ever cook the dinner?

Shame is preventing you two from getting the help you need. Arrange couples counselling so you can sort it out.
If you have to leave, at least know why you are leaving and be very clear about it. Just face up to the situation both of you. It sounds like both of you are just avoiding taking responsibility and hiding behind each other.
Coming on here to talk about it is a start, now take another step to communicate.

I was in a similar position in my old marriage, my ds would plead with me to leave his dad from age 7-9. Ex Dh was also a joy sucker and we lived life in egg shells. He was also super strict on ds.

I’m so glad I had the courage to leave. Left when ds was 10. The change in him was so obvious. He went from an aggressive, insecure pre-teen to a calm, over achieving teenager. It did him the world of good living without his dad casting a shadow of doom onto everything.

Ds is now 18 and off to uni. He is happy and content. I’m so glad I put my dc well-being first. I re-married and dc have a step dad who is kind and warm and patient. The stability has done wonders for them and they get to see how a happily married couple are.

Like you I thought ex Dh would make my life hell and fight for contact. He didn’t, but the dc still saw him a couple of times a week. Less so now they are older and he seems even more miserable. Now they just visit once a month or so as they feel sorry for him. They aren’t close to him as he still doesn’t really make much effort.

I don’t know why, when you have the financial security of your parents, you would put yourself and your ex though any more years of this. When your dc are grown, you’ll regret all the happy times you could’ve had.

I don't think it's just that he doesn't let your son do stuff, or doesn't show his emotions. It sounds like he does show emotions- negative ones.

By your own admission he is a stroppy 'fun sponge.'

Not having hit them is a pretty low bar to set nowadays.

My dad had a similar temperament and from some point in my teens I kept saying to my mum that she should leave.

One time I said it when I was about 17 and she turned round and said 'I've rented a house.'

If she'd stayed with him I don't think she would've seen me for dust- not often, anyway.

I think your son is right and you'd all be happier away from him.

It has damaged both me and my sister to have my dad be like this. We walked on eggshells and I believe it damaged our growing brains as we couldn't relax at home. We've both been left with anxiety disorders and I've never really been able to work.

Nor have we managed to marry yet- and I wouldn't want to. I've lived with one or two men and it just confirms my opinion that I enjoy living alone rather than living under a cloud of someone else's moods.

There is absolutely no way he would get 100% residency. that only happens when there is provable abuse.
He may say he will fight for it. But he doesn't want to take care of them at the moment - I can't see him suddenly really changing to take on parenting them full time.
And that is before the fact that (unless you are hiding something really big such as being a drug addict and abusive to the children yourself) there is no way a court would give him even the majority of the residency.

You are the majority care giver (your status as a stay at home parent proves that). You can also stay resident in the present property, which will also count in your favour. So unless he can get himself suitable accommodation very close it wouldn't be practical for him to have 50:50 care, and that is the absolute most he would get (baring abuse or you agreeing to something different).
I would strongly advise parting before your inheritance - that money is for your children's future. He has a good job and can support himself.
Also don't just settle for 50% of the assets get proper advice and remember to budget for your pension. I would also recommend looking into getting some kind of job, even if only to build up your own self esteem etc.

And get legal advice, and talk to your parents.

Thanks for all your comments. Can't do anything right now due to coronavirus but once normality resumes I shall seek financial advice, look for work and try to gain some independence which will hopefully increase my confidence and allow me to be strong enough to start a new life for me and my children. Thanks again

It may also be what my husband needs too to give him a new life and hopefully become a better dad in the process

Leading up to the separation (& eventual divorce) his moods ruled the whole house and there were lists of topics I knew would set him off (some as seemingly innocuous as “the kids have eaten way more bread than I anticipated, would you be able to stop by the bakery on the way home and grab a loaf?”) and I was so anxious and intimidated I would actually say to the kids “don’t poke the bear”. I’m horrified now that I did that, but at the time it seemed better to tiptoe around him/avoid him than set off days and sometimes weeks of verbal abuse.

Just 100% better once he was gone. I’ve never recovered, I can’t trust people for the most part and have lost my resiliency. I wish I’d left so much earlier, please don’t leave it too long.

Rita- my mum used to say 'don't upset your father.'

Fuck that shit.

So glad you got rid of him. xx

Think about the childhood memories this way of life is creating for your DC. When they grow up, they'll remember a dad who was always miserable and parents who were so obviously in an unloving relationship.

Solicitors, Financial advisors and even CAB are all working at present, maybe mainly by phone but Covid isn't a reason to put off getting at least initial advice.

Interestedwoman - fuck that shit indeed. I just couldn’t think straight for being told day in and day out that I was stupid, annoying, poisonous, a martyr, bitter, frigid, etc etc.

Leave if you want to leave NOT because your son wants more x box time and more toys and bedrooms.