My child wants to me get a divorce!!

[Bookworm36]

I need advice plz. We are Not rich, not poor, just comfortable. I'm a sahm, husband earns enough to look after us and pays for everything. We have 2 kids under 10. They have everything they want, we go on lovely holidays, have a lovely home etc.

Id like to think I'm a good mum. I'm shouty but apart from that I play with my kids, take them places, give them all of my love and attention. We have a lovely relationship.

My husband is what can be described as a fun sponge /Victor meldrew. We could be having a lovely relaxed day then as soon as he walks in the door from work, everything becomes negative. He has more rules for the kids, tells them off for things I wouldn't, doesn't show his emotions, doesn't play with them etc. When we go on holidays etc he walks round with a moody face all the time but says he's fine. I have to keep asking him if he's OK.

Weve been together for 20 years and he wasn't like this at the start. I am by no means perfect and when we clash it is because of our parenting styles. He's too strict, and I'm too soft.

My daughter is a very good girl, causes us no problems, she's very happy, contented.
Our son who is 9, has mild sen, he doesn't and never has played with toys. He has an xbox that he wants to be on all the time, we give him rules and my husband is very strict on it, he can go on at weekends for 4 hours each time. But we all end up arguing alot about it, as when he's asked to come off it could be just as his friend has come online so he wants to then stay on and play with them. He then wanders round like a lost soul with nothing to do. He can't entertain himself at all and finds no pleasure in things. He's always been this way.

Anyway, he has started to ask me to seperate from his dad, and telling me that he hates him. He tells me that as soon as he reaches 16 or 18 he will leave and never wants to see my husband again. I will reiterate, my husband provides everything, he has never ever hit them or even really punished them for things. He's just strict, has rules and doesn't show his emotions. My son thinks that if my husband wasn't here, then my son could do what he wants all the time!! With no rules! I've told him this wouldn't be the case as he'd still have rules with me, and also he would have to spend time with his dad aswell and I wouldn't be there!! My son thinks this because some of his friends parents are seperated, so they get 2 bedrooms, 2 lots of presents, 2 holidays etc. It all sounds fab to him!!

The problem is, is I no longer love my husband. There is nothing to love because he is so joyless. I am trapped by being a sahm with no money of my own. I would love nothing more than to seperate with him right now, I often dream about it. But I won't do it because I cannot bare the thought of not having full custody of my children and having to be away from them. In my mind I dream of when they are teenagers I will do it but it's a long way off. Up to 10 years.
To hear my child say he wants it to happen is awful and I just don't know what to do! Someone please advise me, my son is talking about something that is life changing yet the only reasons he wants it is he thinks ill let him play on his xbox all day!! But if only he knew how I really felt inside

You have to deal with your feelings about the marriage and face your fears. I think your son is trying to give you the courage you lack but he is a child and it isn't his job to try and fix things.

It sounds as if you are in a great financial position. Your parents own the house so you could stay there. You would get CMS and top up benefits plus the opportunity to earn your own money. You could get 50% pension and any savings. I can't see how finances would stop you.

I think your concern re 50 or full residency is completely unfounded. How would he manage fulltime if he is busy at work? If this went to court the children's wishes would be considered so 50% really unlikely.
Is this an excuse because you fear splitting up? Be honest with yourself.

Re your son, 4 hours is excessive. Whilst you say he doesn't play what does he do at school with his friends? Be careful that you are not pandering to him out of guilt. It will make your life much more difficult when he is a teen.

Thanks everyone for your comments. It's mainly fear and fear of the unknown that keeps us trapped doesn't it ? Those of you who have done it are very brave and i consider myself to be a coward. I feel guilty that the kids don't have a happy dad so I try to be extra nice and then that causes him to look more strict so it's 50% my fault.

With regards to my son, he is very social and loves playing with his friends, very sporty. But he cannot do anything alone. He can't /won't play with traditional toys, won't play with a ball or anything alone so I have to do it with him. Won't play outside on his own.

Material things to your son count for nothing, he already is very much aware that your life as well as his at home is not great at all. He would rather be happy and without a load of material things. It took a great deal of courage also for he to speak to you as he did.

Abusive men often use the threat of full custody or 50% against their spouse and they do that because it works for them. It’s often an empty threat and given the number of hours he works how would he ever fit in time with them anyway?. You also know that they do not want to see him. You do not love their dad and they are all too aware of the antipathy you show each other. You cannot and have not been able to shield them from that.

he has never ever hit them

You really need to aim a damn sight higher.

The one single thing that is stopping me is I don't want the kids spending time with him!! Yes, it is his right as a parent, but the children don't like him

So your solution is to force them to live with this misery full time? And to suggest they're greedy brats who just want extra presents for expressing how unhappy they are living with their controlling and emotionally abusive father?

Right.

Don't ever tell them you subjected them to this misery for their own benefit. Unless you want to destroy any relationship you have with them yourself.

You're staying for yourself, not them.

Investigate the new quick "no fault divorce"

If your family are able to support you. Why would you stay & wait for X years. It sounds like you have a way out

However, there is a big difference between thinking about making drastic changes versus actually going through and making those changes

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Take some responsibility here for your own life rather than remaining trapped by your own supposition which is likely wrong. Not infrequently people are afraid to take responsibility for their own lives, do not let that be you. Divorce is not failure, living as you are now in such unhappiness is.

What does your husband do with his children ?
Take them to clubs ?
Walk/ bike in local area
Library
Fly kite
Fishing
Models or crafts
Baking
Music, films
Anything ?

Thing is you can SAY to DS that he wouldn't get to be on xbox all day when his dad is gone but it sounds like the kid is not stupid and knows perfectly well that he would. Basically you're a soft touch and your husband has had to assume all the responsibility for rules and discipline that you have abdicated. Your DS knows that he'll run rings around you without bad cop there to keep control.

In return you don't even want to let your husband have his kids part of the time when you split. Nice.

This sound awful. Can you try and get him to agree to some Counselling? Maybe if not to save the relationship (tbh it doesn't sound salvageable) but to enable you to split more amicably.

Teens can really test their parents. If you husband is miserable now how is he going to deal with teens who might be stroppy or opinionated.

Be brave.

He will threaten all sorts but he isn't the boss of you. He doesn't get everything his own way.

You are very lucky in that not only do you have parents to help they re financially very able to help you. You are also very lucky to have a child who can see what needs addressing and is brave enough to vocalise it. Forget the wanting more x box. He wants less dad.

You can’t stay with this man simply so you can control all the external things you are afraid of that might or might not happen.
By doing this you are essentially rotting away in a horrible marriage, taking your DC down with you so that you can stop XYZ happening down the line - but you cannot stop the worst of what is happening NOW if you stay

@Dontbeme

Weve been together for 20 years and he wasn't like this at the start

Have you tried speaking to your husband about this change? He may feel under pressure being the sole earner, and when he comes home to find you and the kids don't want him there at all. He may feel pushed out and resentful, you get to be the fun "no rules" parent, he gets all the pressure of being the strict parent and the one out at work all day. Now you are hesitant to end the relationship because you don't want to give up the days out and the holidays, do you think he doesn't feel all that? I think I would have a face like a slapped arse too in those circumstances, and feel very used. After 20 years together the least he deserves is an open conversation about the relationship.

Agree with this. He wasn't like this originally, so what has changed? Is he depressed/exhausted? As you have the money for nice holidays etc, I assume he is in a well-paid job. Is he working long hours, then having to come home and be the disciplinarian, while you get to stay home and be the fun parent?

It's not appropriate to tell your 9 yo that he's lucky his dad provides financially even though he can't emotionally. Not a conversation for a child.

4 hours in a row is a long time! Not strict at all. I think you need to start putting boundaries up as well and support your husbands rules. Otherwise your ds will see you as the good guy and him as the bad guy. Also telling him you will still have rules if you divorce but not having them now is rather pointless.

Pregnancy and childbirth are often two major flash points for abusive men to show their true colours. What the op is seeing now is who he really who he is, before these children arrived ops full focus was on him. Now he has taken real umbrage because this is no longer the case.

Depression too is no reason and or an excuse to treat another human being so very badly. My guess also he is not like this with people in the outside world, a respectable family man image and image generally is all important to such selfish and entitled men.

Op - what do you know about his family background, this often gives clues.

I think you need to start being firmer with your children and thinking about independence for yourself. You won't keep them happy by doing whatever they say. He won't want the kids over sadly (if he won't care for them now) and they will soon stop wanting to go. Tell your parents you will need to separate soon.

It boils down to your happiness/fear and your children's' emotional well being-I grew up in a verbally abusive home and still bear the scars to this day

My ex was crap with the kids when we were together, I used to have to beg him to do things with them. Now, he's Disney dad & does all sorts with them.

It is hard adjusting to not having them around all the time but you do get used to it...and it does give you an element of freedom that married couples don't have. Not really applicable during lockdown but supposing there was an exhibition you really wanted to see but the kids would be bored to tears by? Go when he's got the kids!

Do you think maybe your DH is a joyless fun sponge because he feels the way you do? I think you should broach the subject with him.

You don’t have to stay with this man for financial reasons. If your rent is paid, even a part time job and CMS would pay the bills. You don’t need fancy holidays with a miserable man.

Show your children a different way of living.

He could try for 50/50 or even 100% but he wouldn’t get very far without being able to prove he does this in the first place. Courts go with the status quo.

There is no way on Earth a judge would award him 100% custody. It just wouldn't happen. He wouldn't even be able to have 50% custody if he works full time and some weekends as well. He has no family to help either.

I'm confused about what you say regarding an inheritance from your parents - how old are they? Are they in poor health? I hate to broach the subject, but are you expecting both of them to pass away within the next few years? Unless you are, then the inheritance you are relying on may take decades to materialise.

You live in a family property owned by one of your parents. There is no chance that you would end up homeless or unable to afford somewhere to live if you split up, and there is nothing stopping you opening a bank account in your own name and having money from a job paid into that.

They have everything they want Except your children don't, do they? They want to live in a happy home without conflict. They don't have that.

@L0cked0utL0ck392

What does your husband do with his children ? Take them to clubs ? Walk/ bike in local area Library Fly kite Fishing Models or crafts Baking Music, films Anything ?

No he does absolutely nothing. He's out of the house 6am til 6pm. Has tea with us then the kids are having baths, getting ready for bed. All with me upstairs. On the weekend when he's here all he ever wants to do is DIY. So at the moment he's currently building a new shed and greenhouse. When he's done that hell decide to decorate a room in the house. I'm left entertaining the kids whilst he does all this or he will ask us to help him. He never actually plays with them

Nothing you have said about him suggests he'd want to see them more than the odd weekend. You said there are no family members to help - so how could he continue his demanding career and pick them up from school. You say he would do it to annoy you, but you might find that if you frame it right, that he would be pleased to be free to meet someone else. Get a job regardless. Money in family pot and pay for wraparound childcare/clubs so that you can become independent now and divorce. Is he waiting for your inheritance? Are you building up a pension? If your husband is living rent and mortgage free I bet he has built up a comfortable one.
In any case, life is too short to stay in this situation.

@Josette77

It's not appropriate to tell your 9 yo that he's lucky his dad provides financially even though he can't emotionally. Not a conversation for a child.

4 hours in a row is a long time! Not strict at all. I think you need to start putting boundaries up as well and support your husbands rules. Otherwise your ds will see you as the good guy and him as the bad guy. Also telling him you will still have rules if you divorce but not having them now is rather pointless.

I did not say this!! Why would I tell my child his dad is emotionally unavailable? I make lots of exuces for my husband when my son complains about him. I just told him that he's very lucky to be provided for so well

We pay my parents full price rent, I say we, my husband pays it to my dad every month just like a normal rental property, but the house is actually in my name.

I think I'd be exhausted/moody out of the house 12 hrs a day with an unwelcoming return! What time is he going to bed with those hours/commute? It does sound a bit you all/Vs him- with you allowing what they want to happen and him being the baddy. Is the 4 hrs a day only since lockdown as don't know how that would factor into your schedule!

We pay my parents full price rent, I say we, my husband pays it to my dad every month just like a normal rental property, but the house is actually in my name. Is it mortgage free? I'm actually feeling a bit sorry for him- he'll have basically paid a mortgage for X amount of years and have nothing to show!