My child wants to me get a divorce!!

[Bookworm36]

I need advice plz. We are Not rich, not poor, just comfortable. I'm a sahm, husband earns enough to look after us and pays for everything. We have 2 kids under 10. They have everything they want, we go on lovely holidays, have a lovely home etc.

Id like to think I'm a good mum. I'm shouty but apart from that I play with my kids, take them places, give them all of my love and attention. We have a lovely relationship.

My husband is what can be described as a fun sponge /Victor meldrew. We could be having a lovely relaxed day then as soon as he walks in the door from work, everything becomes negative. He has more rules for the kids, tells them off for things I wouldn't, doesn't show his emotions, doesn't play with them etc. When we go on holidays etc he walks round with a moody face all the time but says he's fine. I have to keep asking him if he's OK.

Weve been together for 20 years and he wasn't like this at the start. I am by no means perfect and when we clash it is because of our parenting styles. He's too strict, and I'm too soft.

My daughter is a very good girl, causes us no problems, she's very happy, contented.
Our son who is 9, has mild sen, he doesn't and never has played with toys. He has an xbox that he wants to be on all the time, we give him rules and my husband is very strict on it, he can go on at weekends for 4 hours each time. But we all end up arguing alot about it, as when he's asked to come off it could be just as his friend has come online so he wants to then stay on and play with them. He then wanders round like a lost soul with nothing to do. He can't entertain himself at all and finds no pleasure in things. He's always been this way.

Anyway, he has started to ask me to seperate from his dad, and telling me that he hates him. He tells me that as soon as he reaches 16 or 18 he will leave and never wants to see my husband again. I will reiterate, my husband provides everything, he has never ever hit them or even really punished them for things. He's just strict, has rules and doesn't show his emotions. My son thinks that if my husband wasn't here, then my son could do what he wants all the time!! With no rules! I've told him this wouldn't be the case as he'd still have rules with me, and also he would have to spend time with his dad aswell and I wouldn't be there!! My son thinks this because some of his friends parents are seperated, so they get 2 bedrooms, 2 lots of presents, 2 holidays etc. It all sounds fab to him!!

The problem is, is I no longer love my husband. There is nothing to love because he is so joyless. I am trapped by being a sahm with no money of my own. I would love nothing more than to seperate with him right now, I often dream about it. But I won't do it because I cannot bare the thought of not having full custody of my children and having to be away from them. In my mind I dream of when they are teenagers I will do it but it's a long way off. Up to 10 years.
To hear my child say he wants it to happen is awful and I just don't know what to do! Someone please advise me, my son is talking about something that is life changing yet the only reasons he wants it is he thinks ill let him play on his xbox all day!! But if only he knew how I really felt inside

We have a joint account and if i returned to work my wages would also go into the joint account. They wouldn't be my own. I wouldn't be able to save any money of my own.
Im a sahm mum because my husband has a career and I did not even before the kids. My husband works long hours and sometimes weekends and also has to travel. We have no family members willing to help with childcare and he won't do it (he's said this)

My plan going forward is that I am due a large inheritance from my parents. Once I got that I would seperate from him. Even if my husband ended up with half it would still be enough for me to live off for the rest of my life. My parents have a property portfolio which provides an income too. My lovely dad has also set up trust funds for my children. And our home, we live in one of my parents properties. So we are incredibly lucky and I am in a very fortunate position financially going forward. But unfortunately all of this still doesn't equal happiness and doesn't help me at this moment in time.I'm sure if I went to my dad tomorrow he would help me and it would be OK.

The one single thing that is stopping me is I don't want the kids spending time with him!! Yes, it is his right as a parent, but the children don't like him! I sound very childish writing this. Even if we were seperated, he's still got input into the kids lives. They will still be with him 50% of the time and I won't be there to know that they are ok. He will still be there in my life to some degree. Once the kids are teenagers / young adults this changes as they will be independent of us meaning I can independent from him

To be with someone so long obviously shows we were once in love. I idolised him. We had a lovely life.
The problems appeared after having children. We had been together for 11 years before having children so it was a very big change. I threw myself into motherhood and he was very withdrawn which I resented him for and I really judged him and started to dislike him. As our children grew older and were not babies and toddlers anymore, we realised that we have very different parenting ideas and beliefs. Almost totally opposites. As time has gone on, and the difficulties with our sons sen thrown into the mix, it has developed into a situation of mutual dislike.
In a way I wish he would make the decision and then it would be out of my hands. I suppose I don't want to be the one to do it. We have actually talked about it before but he made me feel so guilty as he said it would be so bad for the children. So we just plod along really

I would seek legal advice asap because this is certainly something you need now. Your assertion that he would receive or even want 50% of the time with his children is based on supposition and not legal argument. Your children also do not want to spend time with him which is understandable really given how he behaves around you all. Also contact can be supervised, it does not have to be unsupervised.

Is he a joy sponge because you have no rules? It’s easy to point fingers but you do need to enforce some rules.

It suits him to stay with you, you facilitate his life.

It’s bad for the children to see both their parents here model such a crap example of a relationship to their children who are after all your most precious resource. You two are really staying together for your own reasons really, these young people do not come into it.

OP why do you think he would get 50% custody? If it does go to court they do take the children's wishes into account.

@GrumpyHoonMain no he's like it all the time and with other people. He never wants to see any of his family, i have to do it all. He won't socialise with anyone and basically thinks everyone are idiots and he is better than everyone. He didn't even come to my nans funeral

Are you sure he would have the kids 50% of the time? For one thing he travels and works long hours so how could he? For another thing he doesn’t seem that into it. Thirdly (& I’m in Canada so not sure how it works for you) perhaps the courts start at 50% as the default, but then his awkward schedule and the fact you’ve been a SAHM would figure into it. And in just 3 years your son will be 12 and perhaps then the courts will take your son’s feelings into account (not sure how old your girl is).

That’s so lovely you won’t have to worry about money. That was my chief reason for staying as my exh was not just grumpy but also verbally abusive and drank (a good earner but insufferable), but though the money situation has caused me a ton of stress it’s still be so worth it. You won’t have that, so I’m sure it will be best for the kids.

Sorry you’re in this position and that he can’t appreciate what he’s got.

so joyless :(

if you live in one of your parents' properties, could he not just leave? Especially if he is a high earner.

Would your parents support you?

Listen to your son and consider your next steps very carefully. Your bringing your children up in a very less than ideal environment and setting very poor examples in trust, healthy relationships and self esteem.

I try not to think about how much heartache and a very many disasters, my parents doing the right thing and separating whilst we were young would’ve avoided.

Why do you assume he’s going to have them 50% of the time?
This is pretty much evident from what you say about him that this could not happen. He works away, works long hours, refuses to look after them. In reality it’s not obvious to me that he would even bother to ask for 50% and you are not obliged to offer it to him. Would he take you to court? Even so he would have to make huge adjustments to his life to accommodate the DC 50% of the time

You are in a fortunate position with your family to break away and start on your own - you need to think of all the CAN parts to do and not the CAN’T things

if i returned to work my wages would also go into the joint account. They wouldn't be my own.
Open an account in your name only, get job, have wages put into that account.

Irreversible damage will be done to the children if you wait until they are teens or left home. Your 9 year old already knows he needs to be out of this situation, the damage is already at an advanced stage.

My parents didn't love each other and they left until we left home to separate. It was obvious they weren't happy and was shit.

He is the type of person who would try and make it as hard for me as possible. He would make up lies about me. I just know he would. He would go for 100% custodian I wouldnt put it past him. He'd do anything to hurt me as much as possible if I left him. That's why I either want to wait or for him to do it

If you wait until you get your large inheritance then he could get 50% of it as you're married.

Open a bank account

If he's a reluctant Dad now do you think he'll go for 50% custody?

A job would give you some money & maybe some independent choices should you decide in future that you want to leave.

As for Xbox...4 hours at a time. That is very generous as it is...he wouldn't get more than an hour with me...altho I might pretend to be distracted for extra 15/20 mins sometimes just so peace can continue but then I'm all..' your hr is up..'. Your son clearly knows you are the soft one & is playing to this.

As for not loving your husband, I feel sorry for you thag he seems to be such a misery guts but I expect it is difficult to come home every day to son who has that attitude & a wife who no longer cares about him. It sounds like everyone is sad. Maybe talk to your husband... you might find he is even more keen to separate.

It's interesting that you say DH makes your life a misery yet you don't really believe your son when he tries to communicate the same thing. He might be doing it through the lens of "he stops me playing xbox" because that's the only tangible, literal example he can think of (especially if he has autism) but it's likely from what you've said that there are bigger, more complex issues under the surface. I think you need to hear him out.

Be careful in doing what your son wants if you read the thread earlier about a 19 yr old drug taking slob of a son whom treats his mum like crap and when u read the thread she gave him everything he wanted parents were separated. Not always best. U seperate because u want to and also tell your son he would then maybe at a later date get a step dad whose similar with same rules anyways lol

Most of the time I’ve seen these posts it’s pretty clear that the men are just using this threat and fear to stop women leaving them in the first place and once the marriage is over they will try to make you miserable about money as well, but very quickly find a new woman to latch on to

You need real legal advice

@Bookworm36

This is very sad of course but it is not really the decision of DS.

The harsh reality is that you will go - in the short term at least - from an adequately comfortable life [financially at least] to one that is more difficult. You will be able to get some form of support but the court will take the view that he will be left enough to live on.

Ultimately it's a balancing act. Many couples survive together for various reasons not the least being the near impossibility of surviving apart. The idea of a job [before 20% unemployment hits] is an excellent one and is there any possibility of any form of sorting the relationship to some degree. The fact that you have a joint account is good and bad as you can gain access if needed to all the money! You can quite easily [and without anyone's consent] set up an account of your own. You may need to start imposing some "discipline" [in the true sense of the word] on the household as a whole.

Yes I've made it very clear to my son that it wouldn't be what he thinks it is. I've also tried to make him understand that his dad provides everything for us and he may not be emotionally available but he is with material things which a lot of other kids don't get.
I would never get a new partner, don't want to make that mistake again!! But of course my husband might which means the kids would have a step mum which is also something that I absolutely don't want to happen whilst they are young

When are you expecting your father to die so you can get your inheritance?

I’d echo that you need to get legal advice. I think you’re in quite a strong position and if that is confirmed by a solicitor then have a think about how to proceed. As someone said upthread, if you’re still married at the time of your inheritance, he’ll get half. That seems unfair and potentially deprives the kids if their father wastes it. Don’t assume because he’d be vindictive he’d win. My exh is extremely vindictive but while he’s had small wins the larger wins (emotionally and financially) have been mine and the kids’.

But your saying you live in your dad's house.
So your Husband has not provided a home.
I don't think with his job any judge would give him custody, also I think your Husband would very quickly lose interest bin being a father as that requires effort.
Your unhappy, go and see a solicitor.
Do you have any assets as a family?

I expect that some people would be jealous of your current lifestyle. Which you described as SAHM, no money worries, nice holidays.

However, there seems to be an element of unhappiness & lack of personal freedom

When the virus restrictions decrease, why don't you look for a part time job, training or volunteering or hobbies ?

Your children don't have the wider, adult knowledge about relationships, employment etc However, it seems you may all be walking on eggshells

What do you all do during family time together ?