Should I tell ex I've given birth.

[saynomore]

I'm currently separated from husband and have been throughout my whole pregnancy.
He hasn't made the effort to ask about the baby and attended any antenatal appointments.

My baby has been monitored every week due to some complications.
I have made the effort to inform him about the possibility of an early induction if things did not improve.
He hasn't checked up on me or the baby at all since then (few weeks).

I have my induction booked and I feel that it is his responsibility to stay in touch and check up on his baby.
I have decided not to contact him.

Am I being unreasonable?

You should tell him when the baby's been born because he'll have to pay child maintenance from that point.

Stop giving him information about the pregnancy, though. Don't tell him that you're having an induction or if you're in labour or any of that. None of it is relevant to him, the only relevant information that he needs to know is that baby has been born.

It seems that you haven't yet let go of your desire for him to care about the baby. I'm afraid he doesn't and the sooner you accept that reality, the better.

Best of luck. You can do this without him.

Do you have a birth partner? Your mum or someone else?

@Regretful123 a religious or alternative ceremony where the person conducting the ceremony wasn't acting as or on behalf of a registrar. This actually pisses of some vicars/priests who can conduct legal weddings as they think all weddings should be conducted by a registrar and they should just do the religious part. This then stops women being exploited by men who say they are marrying them in other faiths but the marriage isn't legal.

@BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup

You're probably right. My workplace is quite large and we ask for proof of everything...MATB1, adoption certificate etc

I think you should tell him , you’ve informed him over other things throughout your pregnancy .

How he reacts and behaves is not your responsibility.

I’m sorry he’s been such a twat to you and the baby.

I think it depends on why u have split up???
Was he violent was he cheated had you cheated?
If you cheated then can see why he doesnt wanna speak to u?

He’s taking paternity leave?? If it was me I’d be calling his workplace to let them know that we are divorced and he isn’t involved with the baby. Cheeky bugger. Don’t tell him. He’s made no effort. It’s not your job to be his secretary

Needhandhold

He says that he'd be taking paternity leave to spend some time with his toddler (our 16 month old) which he hasn't made any effort with at all!!!!! Since our split, probably saw her 4 times in the last 9 months.
I mentioned that PL is for the baby and since I'll be staying at mums for support, it's better if he didn't go on PL.

He obviously feels entitled, i honestly don't want to deal with him and his extra drama. It seems like he's always willing to fight.

Anotheremma

Thank you!
My mother would be my birth partner.
I just deep down honestly think he's trying to punish me by not caring about DC .
I have accepted that if I choose to continue with the separation, he wants nothing to do with the kids too.

I tend to agree with BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup If you notify him and he is nonplussed with his response then you are in a position to say in future that you did everything possible to start your childs relationship with their father. I know this is not your responsibility but it does allow you to be absolved of any "you never told me" " how was I supposed to know" arguments in the future.
You can hold you head up and know you did everything in your power but he had no interest or will to respond.
Let's hope he might contribute financially to his childs upbringing.
All the best for the birth.

Thinking of you OP, how's things?

Thank you BobbyTheVetIsMyHero.

I gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
I did not tell him about my induction.
Coincidentally on the day of my induction he messaged me asking to see DS, i obviously couldn't reply, he thought I was ignoring him so he messaged my mother instead, accusing me of not allowing him to see DS.
All while I was in labour.

I honestly don't know where to go from here!!

Congratulations OP! Aside from sbx, how are you and DSs of you getting on?

I'm sure MNers smarter than me will be along with practical advice about him! Did you get the news over via DM/MIL in the end?

Congratulations!

Congratulations lovely!

Thank you all !! ❤️

Glad to read you have had a healthy baby boy, OP.

I liked the idea of telling his employer you were separated.

Mornington444

I didn't actually go through with it.
As I didn't want any extra drama. He seems to be enjoying his two week break.

How about taking this opportunity to tell him how it’s going to be? Once and for all, with no game-playing.

“I’m being induced on XXXX. I will let you know when the baby has been born. I have continued to keep you up to date through the pregnancy and of course, will make sure you know this information. Please understand that after I do this, I am going to be busy focussing on our baby, so if you want to have contact, updates and general involvement, I will be passing responsibility to you to reach out to me for this. Happy to discuss how you want to do this.”

Ignore me, my thread was very out of date...strange!

Firstly you need to refer to him as ex partner - exh or stb are very different.

I think sometimes this proof you did everything is making men worse- no he has to make an effort .

As he is half arsed about other child , he is unlikely to make much effort .

Assuming the other child is yours do you have cms in place already , use the calculator to work out difference if paying privately.

Other misinformation given on this thread you can still claim cms if you are on the birth certificate.

Focus on the birth - you have your mum there. Once baby arrives then see how you feel - if you sit there stressing about telling him you may as well inform him . As he shows no interest in other child I wouldn’t put him on bc , do not let him know when appointment is .

Good luck for the birth. I was induced at 39 weeks due to health concerns it all went smoothly

Congratulations!

Agree with others saying register the birth before you tell him (if your mother hasn't already shared the news). And let the CMS know now.

Allbutone has your ex seen your baby yet? I am hoping he isnt causing undue distress

Sunflowers

No he hasn't yet.

Don't and register the baby yourself without him there. Etc -leave him be. Go to CSA for main. Register the baby asap as you need the birth certificate I think you get maintance.

Please make sure that IF you are planning on returning to your maiden name (or there is any possiblity of this) that you don't give the baby his surname. Mine all got my surname and the youngest didn't -he got double barelled. I wish I hadn't caved and then we would all in our family without him have the same surname, hope you and baby are doing well.

I'm shocked at some of the responses on here! Dont put him on the birth certificate but claim child maintenance straight away.....can you even do that without him being legally named as the father?? Dont tell the MIL cut all ties she doesnt have rights....... just because her son is twat doesnt mean shes a bad grandparent and should be kept away from a relationship with her grandchildren.....its only the baby that's going to be adversely affected by that decision denying them a GP. Unless there's safeguarding issues no child should be purposely kept away from its immediate family. OP you mention another ds Is your ex also his father??
You need to put your feelings aside and do what's right for your dc. Have your ex named on the birth certificate, allow your dc a relationship with their Dads family. You don't need to chase him for contact by any means but for the interests of your dc let it be their Dad who chooses not to be involved rather than their Mum not allowing it or making initial contact difficult.
Congratulations btw .