Should I tell ex I've given birth.

[saynomore]

I'm currently separated from husband and have been throughout my whole pregnancy.
He hasn't made the effort to ask about the baby and attended any antenatal appointments.

My baby has been monitored every week due to some complications.
I have made the effort to inform him about the possibility of an early induction if things did not improve.
He hasn't checked up on me or the baby at all since then (few weeks).

I have my induction booked and I feel that it is his responsibility to stay in touch and check up on his baby.
I have decided not to contact him.

Am I being unreasonable?

Thank you soo much for you feedback guys, there's a lot of different opinions, ofcourse!!!

But I have decided that I will not be the one making contact directly, instead, I will get my mother to make the announcement to my MIL. As they do regularly stay in contact.

And in regards to the paternity leave, he feels entitled to have two weeks off even though he will not be helping out with the baby AT ALL! He says that it's his baby too . The nerve and the audacity.

Oh and give baby YOUR surname. That’s what’s best for baby as you will be the main ( probably only ) carer. So change your name back to your own ( if you ever changed to your husbands in the first place ).

Loser dads don’t get the privilege of choosing baby’s name.

I'd push to get the divorce done before the baby was born...you need legal advice here OP.

We are not legally married guys, just a small religious ceremony.

Well he wouldn't be able to show up at the hospital anyway due to the hospital Covid-19 rules.

I'm planning on not letting him see the baby straight away ( Due to corona) but he does have a tendency of doing what he wants and just showing up.

He'll probably use that against me too

Make sure you register the baby first!
You dont need him shoving his nose in for the registration when he's already decided not to be involved.

Hope all goes well, OP.

Phew, thankfully you aren’t legally married - that makes this a whole lot easier for you.

Let him hold stuff against you . Why do you care? He’s shown who he really is and will continue to do so. Concentrate on yourself and your baby.

Put in your child for child maintenance, they will soon inform him.

Just contact child maintenance and he can learn when a form drops through the door

I would suggest sending a one line text with the induction date, no further information. Once the baby is born send the date, key information and one photo. Then the ball is in his court. What you need to do is ensure there's nothing about your conduct that a lawyer can ever spin against you. Best wishes and post here please, we'll all be thinking about you!

I don't know what Information required for the paternity form but I'd be making sure he didn't get it all via his mother.

@SarahMcDonald

Oh and give baby YOUR surname. That’s what’s best for baby as you will be the main ( probably only ) carer. So change your name back to your own ( if you ever changed to your husbands in the first place ).

Loser dads don’t get the privilege of choosing baby’s name.

Dear god yes, give the baby your own (maiden) surname, first and middle names your own choices and then you can deed poll change your own name back (if your took his name) once you're out of hospital. Register baby alone - do it quickly, as your husband, he could do this before you get to it and name the baby himself. The baby you will be raising all by yourself. Another reason not to tell him.

Be the bigger person, people say? She's the one stepping up for their baby, which he has abandoned. And is taking paternity leave for a jolly and zero contact with baby. OP will have to work fairly fucking hard to be the smallest person at this point, right? 😂

Also, OP, you're the hospital patient. He has no right to be there or be informed. He's made it clear he isn't interested, so go with that.

Bless you. 💐💐💐

We are not legally married guys, just a small religious ceremony.

Thank goodness. No sneaky registration of the baby for him then. And no automatic parental responsibility, which at least temporarily prevents him taking your child and refusing to return (which the police unable to help) until a child arrangements order is in place, which can take considersble time. For this reason and his irresponsible behaviour, do not register the birth with him and include him on the birth cert. He can be added (much) later if he steps up.

I wouldnt bother from now on, let him find out from someone else.
I wouldnt even update the MIL, unles she is in contact.

What a CF claiming Paternity Leave....

I hope you do claim for CM though.

Good luck

I would just let him know when you let everyone else know. Keep it short. Weight name dob.

If they’re married then he does have automatic PR - even if she had had IVF with a sperm donor. I found this out when I was going for IVF with DP, as they wanted to see my decree absolute and I didn’t have it yet, as there was an enormous delay of two years between my Nisi and absolute.

I think you should tell him.

If you are married you will have to declare him on the birth certificate when you register the birth. You will also need to claim maintenance from him so he will know soon enough.
At this point OP, I would focus on myself and my baby. Forget about feeding his narcissistic ego, he has behaved appallingly. He doesn’t deserve your time and headspace. If he gets in touch, reply but other than that, you are doing the amazing job of shaping a new life, so no one would blame you for not chasing after the man child.

Good luck with the induction, big hug.

God he sounds dreadful...and to take paternity leave too when he isnt going to spending anytime with you and the baby. Is he one of those arses who will expect to able to turn up when he feels like it and start demanding overnights just to ensure he can exert some control ? Stay strong and I hope you can get your mum to stay with you as you will need her for emotional support as things with your ex will likely change when the baby is born

Register the birth first.

Cheeky tucker claiming paternity leave as a freebie holiday.

My DH needed a copy of my maternity exemption form for his paternity.

DO NOT TELL HIM - until you have given birth, recovered a little, and REGISTERED THE BABY.

He has no legal status thankfully but it sounds as if he will simply harrass you about eg names - so just cut him out of any decision points, any possibility of him showing up and pushing his way in - until it's all done and dusted.

If he's the type to push and do what he wants and generally be an arse, think hard about not telling him until the baby is a week or more old. You'll be fragile in the first few weeks. Plus- if he's the type to 'hold things against you' - honestly, take this advice - set the tone now by fucking him right off by showing him you do not give a shiny shit what he thinks and he gets to make no decisions whatsoever. Don't tiptoe around him. Don't give him the message that you will try and keep him happy. It will completely backfire and you will end up run ragged and still slagged off. Instead, draw the boundary right now by doing exactly what you like and telling him to suck it up or fuck right off. Definitely your surname - I wouldn't put him on the certificate, he can pay to be added. Oh, and -

in regards to the paternity leave, he feels entitled to have two weeks off even though he will not be helping out with the baby AT ALL! He says that it's his baby too

No he isn#t. It's a fraudulent claim, pat leave is intended for supporting the baby/mother after birth. I suggest you contact his company and inform them as you do not want to be a party to fraud. He'll go ballistic? Good. He'll think twice about fucking around next time, won't he?

Oh and definitely definitely tell your mum you'll let her know when YOU are ready for her to tell MIL. Tell her not to tell her as soon as the baby is born. See how the birth goes. See how you feel. You might have a difficult time, you might really not want him around in the first couple of weeks - that's fine by the way, and won't affect his bond with the baby, if he bothers to forge one that is. YOU matter in the first weeks, not him.

You have many choices :)

An incendiary one:
Let him know by sending a message via his work. ('It seems that X doesn't wish to be directly involved with his new baby, but please do let him know of the safe arrival.')

Of course - letting your Mum tell his Mum is probably the more graceful way.

Please don't be in a rush though.

You'll not need to be dealing with his wishes and demands in the first days after the birth and if he has PL he will be around and free to trouble you for at least two whole weeks.

I wouldn’t make contact if he hasn’t checked up on you. It doesn’t sound good at all. I believe as a mother boundaries need to be set in order to be able to co parent. This cannot work if one parent is chasing the other and then gets no response. Don’t go upsetting yourself. It’s not your responsibility to call him. It’s actual very cruel of him.