Should I tell ex I've given birth.

[saynomore]

I'm currently separated from husband and have been throughout my whole pregnancy.
He hasn't made the effort to ask about the baby and attended any antenatal appointments.

My baby has been monitored every week due to some complications.
I have made the effort to inform him about the possibility of an early induction if things did not improve.
He hasn't checked up on me or the baby at all since then (few weeks).

I have my induction booked and I feel that it is his responsibility to stay in touch and check up on his baby.
I have decided not to contact him.

Am I being unreasonable?

I’d likely tell him in a very brief ‘1 sentence’ email, whenever you feel like it after the birth. In order to lay the groundwork for future legal negotiations to show goodwill.

I’d also likely leave out the sex, weight and any other details. Let him chase you for those, if he gives a crap.

Leave it as ‘Baby (your surname) was born on (date)’.

I think you should tell him, but in a very minimal way.

Shortly after the birth.

Possibly by someone else (one of your parents, by email, copied to you so, as noted above, you have proof you were told)

'Saynomore had a baby girl/boy yesterday and they are both doing well'

Then see what happens

But also remember:

• as your husband at time of the birth, he's in a different position to an XP. Unless you can prove he is not the biological father.
• you need to think longer term about your DC's right to a relationship,with his/her father's side of the familiy and how this can best be done

And sorry to be a bit grim, who to tell him what if anything about the birth does not go according to plan. You might not feel like dealing with him in those circumstances, but they are precisely the ones where he might need to know asap

As you’re married to him he gets automatic PR no matter if you name him on the BC or not.
I would just drop him a wee text “baby born” and leave it at that. No details, no pictures, nothing.
Good luck.

No, I wouldn't tell him. I was in a similar situation and I regret telling him. You have let him know what's going on. It's up to him to see how you are.

My ex remembered DD's 22nd birthday and that's been the only one.

@BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup
You're wrong on so many levels.

Why does the cheeky arsehole want to take paternity leave? Pretty sure the paperwork for paternity leave says that they are going to support the mother!

I would tell him after you’ve registered the birth so he doesn’t have any say in baby’s name.

Get ahead of him.

Don’t play games where his actions or inactions can yank your chain and sucks you into being preoccupied with him and his behaviours.

Do whatever it takes to erase him from your mind. You don’t need the drama, mind games, bitterness and emotional tension and toxicity in your head - you need your headspace disinfected, clear of any clutter and free to be 100% immersed in loving and being attuned to your baby.

He needs to be relegated to the status of some random neighbour that you have basic customer service style interaction with - so yes drop the same one line text update when it suits you - expecting zero response so that you won’t be waiting, wondering, wishing ....

Often it’s good to deal with these flies in the ointment - swiftly and curtly - so that they are not on your mind and you area free to define your life with positive experiences dictated by you.

I would get the birth certificate done first (and would give the baby whatever surname you're planning to use going forward - does not have to match your current name) unless you fancy your DH deciding names and holding on to that vital bit of paper.

Agree with @youcancallmequeenE.

If it was me, I’d need to be able to look my child in the eye knowing I did what I could to try to ensure they could have a relationship with their father, even if he wasn’t interested. That’s on him.

I’m assuming he’s not abusive though, in which case my position would be different.

Firstly, he sounds awful but don’t give him any ammunition to use against you later - if you delay telling him, he’ll then be able spin it in future to tell your child you kept their birth a secret from him.

I’d keep it short and factual after your baby is born - “baby was born yesterday, all is well” Don’t give any other reminders beforehand and don’t send anything else afterwards unless he makes the first move. You keep control that way, rather waiting for him to play the victim and you have to waste energy defending yourself.

As you’re married to him he gets automatic PR no matter if you name him on the BC or not.

No he doesn't.

Don’t tell him, and don’t put him on the birth certificate.

It seems as Fluffmagnet is suggesting that HE could go ahead and register the birth himself - giving whatever name he wants. So maybe get that done first.

Yes, the married father automatically has PR. In the eyes of the law, the husband of a married woman is the legal father, with all the responsibilities, unless/until demonstrated otherwise.

I think you should be the better person. Send him a text and then the balls in his court. Later on down the line he can't throw it back in your face that he wasn't there for the birth.

childlawadvice.org.uk/register-and-re-register-a-childs-birth/

Yes he does have automatic full PR - legislation on this link.

If you are still married, he can go and register the birth without you as a PP has said. I would wait until you have registered the baby to inform him.

Stress can stall an induction so I would wait until baby has arrived to tell him even if you decide to tell him before registering. I would also ensure I didn't give the date of birth, etc until after the registeration has taken place.

He needs to be the one facilitating his relationship with the baby. You will have enough to do without chasing him.

I wouldn't. In fact if I didn't want direct contact then I would ask a mutual contact to let him know after your baby has arrived. He has shown he is not interested. Poor you, it is difficult alone ...but it is worse when you have that extra tension & worry.
I told my DC's father, from whom I was separated & we had a strained r'ship, when I went into labour & was in hospital. He showed up & ended up in delivery room. I was too all over the place (in my own head) to know if I wanted him there or not. I was so sad & hurt about our break-up, & he was there, kind of sounding supportive which was strange & confusing as it was not how he had been in all the months prior. I thought afterward, when I was alone with my baby in my room, that of course he came as if he didn't it would look bad of him to family, friends etc. It was not at all about me & being supportive or his baby. His behaviour in all the years since proved that. To this day I am sorry that I told him & that he was there.

OP, have a safe delivery, concentrate on you & your baby & only do what feel right for you.

I think you should, not for his sake but for your babies. When the baby is older you can them in all honesty that you have kept him informed. Every child has a right to know who their parents are.

Do not tell him until you have registered the baby. As you are married, he can do that without you there and you could end up with some awful awful name. I have no idea what happens in those circumstances about changing it!

Also - afterwards you are likely to be exhausted, emotional, elated - I'd give it a couple of weeks until you are not pouring blood, milk and tears everywhere before you have to cope with him.

And if you were to tell him when you were in labour and he showed up? Not the best time.

I wouldn’t if he can’t be bothered.

My friend was in the same situation and didn’t bother to tell him.

Two years on and I assume he thinks she’s still pregnant.

I would be contacting his place of work regarding his 'paternity' leave form and telling them that he is not involved at all so won't be needing that little nugget! Cheeky bugger 😱

@saynomore

Thanks everyone.

Baytreelane, that is exactly what's going to happen!! And I would hate to look like the bad one.

No don’t contact him, he knows you are pg and how to get in touch with you.

And get over this need to be seen as “ the good one”. He hates you and everything you do will automatically be bad in his eyes. So you might as well deal with this now instead of spending the next 18 years trying to keep him happy.

It’s not about “ being the bigger person “ .

It’s about doing what is best for you and baby. That’s your priority now NOT HIM.