Should I tell ex I've given birth.

[saynomore]

I'm currently separated from husband and have been throughout my whole pregnancy.
He hasn't made the effort to ask about the baby and attended any antenatal appointments.

My baby has been monitored every week due to some complications.
I have made the effort to inform him about the possibility of an early induction if things did not improve.
He hasn't checked up on me or the baby at all since then (few weeks).

I have my induction booked and I feel that it is his responsibility to stay in touch and check up on his baby.
I have decided not to contact him.

Am I being unreasonable?

• have the baby
• register the birth with the name you want and your maiden name. I think you can do this by phone at the moment due to Coronavirus.
• send him a generic birth announcement text or e-mail at the same time you send it to other people.
• claim child support from him
• end all future contact

Going through your mother and MIL sounds like a good compromise, that way he gets to know and you don't have to talk to him directly.

Has he shown an interest in seeing the baby once born? Will your MIL see the baby?

How's MiL? Will she be involved?

I wouldn't tell him anything. So when the baby is born, I would sent a one line text saying "baby is born" with no other details. Then it's up to him to actual ask the sex, name, birthweight etc.

And then he sounds like an arse if he doesn't do that and anyone asks why he doesn't know.

Send your claim off to the CMS the second you are able and let them tell him.

Good luck with the birth OP

Don’t let MIL get too involved with the baby. You don’t want her claiming “grandparents rights” in the future.

@SaladSeason

Send your claim off to the CMS the second you are able and let them tell him.

Good luck with the birth OP

Hahaha absolutely!!

And in regards to the paternity leave, he feels entitled to have two weeks off even though he will not be helping out with the baby

Well, he can feel what he likes but he's not legally entitled to paternity leave/pay under those circumstances.

He knows the dates and it’s his responsibility to check on his baby. It’s not your job to keep him informed. Your and your child’s health is your first concern. He sounds selfish.

To register the baby, wouldn't he still need to take some proof that the baby had been born?

I would tell his workplace. Enjoy your baby without his shit.

To register the baby, wouldn't he still need to take some proof that the baby had been born?

• he'd need hospital documentation which he won't have - he can't really do it alone. However he could turn up, harrass OP and shout the odds about HIS baby having HIS surname... before fucking off and raising not a finger to care for it.

OP, you need to be more than 'the bad one'. You need to embrace a new role as 'the badass one'. Let him get angry. It does not matter. By placating him, you'll just make things harder for yourself and that DOES matter.

I'm so sorry OP, he sounds like a total arse.
Good luck with the birth. X

This isn't just about telling him or not, is it? You need to think about setting the pattern for the future. WRT telling him about the birth, I would wait until it was registered and I felt up to dealing with the ex.

The chances are that at least for a while he will want to see his child. What are your midwives saying about that? There will be some recommendations about contact with people outside of the baby's own household and that will protect you a little. But courts tend to take a dim view of mothers who prevent their children from knowing their fathers, so you will need proof that you have done everything you should.

Can you afford a chat with a solicitor? I really think you need proper advice about your situation because it could all go badly wrong is mishandled.

In terms of managing his messages, I would suggest getting a new phone which is kept only for his messages (tell him you have changed your number and to only text never call). If he calls to talk to you, don't answer, and only check messages when it suits you. Otherwise too much time and energy will be wasted on his demands and his feelings etc. You will also have a potentially useful record of your communications. If you prefer email, tell him to communicate that way, but avoid anything which doesn't leave written proof of what was said.

If he turns out to be a devoted father then you can still facilitate his relationship with his child, but caution seems wise. Of course the most important person here is your baby, but you matter too and you need to protect yourself.

@FizzyGreenWater

DO NOT TELL HIM - until you have given birth, recovered a little, and REGISTERED THE BABY.

He has no legal status thankfully but it sounds as if he will simply harrass you about eg names - so just cut him out of any decision points, any possibility of him showing up and pushing his way in - until it's all done and dusted.

If he's the type to push and do what he wants and generally be an arse, think hard about not telling him until the baby is a week or more old. You'll be fragile in the first few weeks. Plus- if he's the type to 'hold things against you' - honestly, take this advice - set the tone now by fucking him right off by showing him you do not give a shiny shit what he thinks and he gets to make no decisions whatsoever. Don't tiptoe around him. Don't give him the message that you will try and keep him happy. It will completely backfire and you will end up run ragged and still slagged off. Instead, draw the boundary right now by doing exactly what you like and telling him to suck it up or fuck right off. Definitely your surname - I wouldn't put him on the certificate, he can pay to be added. Oh, and -

in regards to the paternity leave, he feels entitled to have two weeks off even though he will not be helping out with the baby AT ALL! He says that it's his baby too

No he isn#t. It's a fraudulent claim, pat leave is intended for supporting the baby/mother after birth. I suggest you contact his company and inform them as you do not want to be a party to fraud. He'll go ballistic? Good. He'll think twice about fucking around next time, won't he?

Totally agree. Register the birth first, using the names you want. I wouldn't give baby his surname, give baby your name.

And as you've said you're not legally married, then keep him off the birth certificate. If he steps up as a real dad to baby, he can be added later. If he's named on BC, then he will have PR (but he has to be there at the appointment to be on the BC).

And yes, he's not entitled to paternity leave, as you're not together and it's unlikely he's taking the time off in order to support you.

Totally agree. Register the birth first, using the names you want. I wouldn't give baby his surname, give baby your name.

That’s a good point. He doesn’t have to be present at the registration and you can choose the surname. I would give the baby your surname. It will also make it easier for you to travel in the future than if you and baby have a different surname.

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet

This isn't just about telling him or not, is it? You need to think about setting the pattern for the future. WRT telling him about the birth, I would wait until it was registered and I felt up to dealing with the ex.

The chances are that at least for a while he will want to see his child. What are your midwives saying about that? There will be some recommendations about contact with people outside of the baby's own household and that will protect you a little. But courts tend to take a dim view of mothers who prevent their children from knowing their fathers, so you will need proof that you have done everything you should.

Can you afford a chat with a solicitor? I really think you need proper advice about your situation because it could all go badly wrong is mishandled.

In terms of managing his messages, I would suggest getting a new phone which is kept only for his messages (tell him you have changed your number and to only text never call). If he calls to talk to you, don't answer, and only check messages when it suits you. Otherwise too much time and energy will be wasted on his demands and his feelings etc. You will also have a potentially useful record of your communications. If you prefer email, tell him to communicate that way, but avoid anything which doesn't leave written proof of what was said.

If he turns out to be a devoted father then you can still facilitate his relationship with his child, but caution seems wise. Of course the most important person here is your baby, but you matter too and you need to protect yourself.

The pattern is already set. OP has had complications in pregnancy. OP needs to think about herself and her emotional well being as this will be knocked when she is making contact and probably won’t get a positive outcome.

I wouldn’t waste a damn penny on a solicitor it’s really not necessary. Things like this happen all the time. OP has not denied the father of anything. Her previous messages would prove that too.

He won’t be able to get paternity leave as he won’t have any documentation with his name on it. So don’t give him anything.

If MIL starts to hassle you or your mother about it, cut her off. She has no legal rights in this situation.

Do what you like! It’s your baby!

@SarahMcDonald it’s his wife having a baby

They aren't legally married, so he has no rights.

I would send a very perfunctory email, when you've registered the birth, and ignore any text messages unless they're shockingly supportive. I would write something along the lines of 'Had baby. Name X.'

@HatRack legally?

To get paternity leave, wouldn't he need a copy of your MATBI? Otherwise anyone could request paternity leave.

They would ask for it in my workplace.

@SandyY2K it depends how organised the workplace is.

In my DP's case I had to fill in a form for him with my details and they could have contacted me. They didn't bother as some of his colleagues including a couple of managers had met me a few times including when I was pregnant.