Hello! I am new to posting but not new to reading. I have spent the past five years under what has felt like mental torture - despite being with a really good guy. I have lived in basically social isolation/lockdown mode because of our location. The location was chosen because he wanted to live close to his family. I used to be really active, out and about, loads of activities and mates. Not anymore. Luckily I still talk to my girlfriends on the phone almost every day.
Every time over the years I have tried to talk about moving he has blown up at me, just shouting and swearing and crashing out of the house and leaving. Its made me feel like I dont have a voice. The most confusing part for me has been that this only, ONLY ever happens when I broach the subject of us moving. Otherwise in our day to day, he is very sweet, thoughtful gestures, affectionate, pulls all his weight around the house etc, which is why it has been so confusing and taken me so long to wake up. I told him that I felt like I didnt recognise myself any more and he blew up at me.
Things got steadily worse over the past 2 years. I became anorexic - I'm still not sure why, it wasnt about weight as I've never had a problem with my weight. I also started drinking more. I have felt so isolated and alone, I felt like my personality was dying. I felt like I was slowly dying from the inside out. I then started having intense panic attacks every. Single. Morning. Luckily, something clicked inside me and the past two months I have managed to pull myself back on track. My eating is much better, and I stopped drinking.
Two weeks ago he said to me: "I'm not saying I'll never move. But you need to understand that right now, spending time with my mum is my priority."
I was completely shocked. She is a healthy 60 year old woman who sees all her family every day.
It made me finally see: I'm not his priority, am I?
So I finally decided. After FIVE YEARS. On Saturday I just said: "I'm moving to London." He looked really upset about that but said 'I cant stop you doing what makes you happy. I can't move with you.'.
Since then I have started calling around for flats and I feel so free already. My heart sank a little yesterday morning when he said 'I've been thinking. Instead of you moving fully to London, why dont you get a little studio there and we also keep our house here together, and you can move back and forth between the two?' (my job allows for it). In my head its like - thats just completely benefiting you again, with me again adapting so that your life remains unchanged. Im really struggling to understand his mindset here - in what possible world does he think that would work for me?
I think part of the reason he wants us to keep a home together is sentimental of course, but also because he will find it very difficult to rent a place alone moneywise.
I am sticking to my guns. I am going to tell him that no, that does not work for me, I am moving full time to London and we can see each other every other weekend, end of story. I am regaining some of my confidence and power now. I feel like I've been in lockdown for five years. My mental health took such a toll. This past year, I've been reading Mumsnet and even found threads with similar situations which helped me realise I shouldnt be living like this. I didnt want to post because I knew everybody would tell me to cut my losses and I wasnt ready to hear it. Now Im ready to make my life about me again. I feel so stupid for having wasted five years on losing myself.
At my age (mid thirties) am I making a mistake? I believe he genuinely loves me. But I dont understand why then he isnt making me a priority. I guess it doesnt matter. I guess Im just looking for reassurance and maybe stories of other women who have been in this situation of moving for a guy, or been in the situation of having to leave somebody because they werent being true to themselves, despite how nice the other person was.
I just feel so happy and excited for this next stage of my life - but also a little sad I am walking away from a stable relationship. He says this is a step backwards for us. But I cant wait to get my own place, get back to being busy and going for drinks with friends, etc. I also plan on having therapy so that I can understand what happened, understand the drinking and anorexia problem I had (which really disturbs me). And just trying to silence that voice of doubt now.