This isnt a big mistake....right?

[HeartbreakHotelier]

Hello! I am new to posting but not new to reading. I have spent the past five years under what has felt like mental torture - despite being with a really good guy. I have lived in basically social isolation/lockdown mode because of our location. The location was chosen because he wanted to live close to his family. I used to be really active, out and about, loads of activities and mates. Not anymore. Luckily I still talk to my girlfriends on the phone almost every day.

Every time over the years I have tried to talk about moving he has blown up at me, just shouting and swearing and crashing out of the house and leaving. Its made me feel like I dont have a voice. The most confusing part for me has been that this only, ONLY ever happens when I broach the subject of us moving. Otherwise in our day to day, he is very sweet, thoughtful gestures, affectionate, pulls all his weight around the house etc, which is why it has been so confusing and taken me so long to wake up. I told him that I felt like I didnt recognise myself any more and he blew up at me.

Things got steadily worse over the past 2 years. I became anorexic - I'm still not sure why, it wasnt about weight as I've never had a problem with my weight. I also started drinking more. I have felt so isolated and alone, I felt like my personality was dying. I felt like I was slowly dying from the inside out. I then started having intense panic attacks every. Single. Morning. Luckily, something clicked inside me and the past two months I have managed to pull myself back on track. My eating is much better, and I stopped drinking.

Two weeks ago he said to me: "I'm not saying I'll never move. But you need to understand that right now, spending time with my mum is my priority."

I was completely shocked. She is a healthy 60 year old woman who sees all her family every day.

It made me finally see: I'm not his priority, am I?

So I finally decided. After FIVE YEARS. On Saturday I just said: "I'm moving to London." He looked really upset about that but said 'I cant stop you doing what makes you happy. I can't move with you.'.

Since then I have started calling around for flats and I feel so free already. My heart sank a little yesterday morning when he said 'I've been thinking. Instead of you moving fully to London, why dont you get a little studio there and we also keep our house here together, and you can move back and forth between the two?' (my job allows for it). In my head its like - thats just completely benefiting you again, with me again adapting so that your life remains unchanged. Im really struggling to understand his mindset here - in what possible world does he think that would work for me?

I think part of the reason he wants us to keep a home together is sentimental of course, but also because he will find it very difficult to rent a place alone moneywise.

I am sticking to my guns. I am going to tell him that no, that does not work for me, I am moving full time to London and we can see each other every other weekend, end of story. I am regaining some of my confidence and power now. I feel like I've been in lockdown for five years. My mental health took such a toll. This past year, I've been reading Mumsnet and even found threads with similar situations which helped me realise I shouldnt be living like this. I didnt want to post because I knew everybody would tell me to cut my losses and I wasnt ready to hear it. Now Im ready to make my life about me again. I feel so stupid for having wasted five years on losing myself.

At my age (mid thirties) am I making a mistake? I believe he genuinely loves me. But I dont understand why then he isnt making me a priority. I guess it doesnt matter. I guess Im just looking for reassurance and maybe stories of other women who have been in this situation of moving for a guy, or been in the situation of having to leave somebody because they werent being true to themselves, despite how nice the other person was.

I just feel so happy and excited for this next stage of my life - but also a little sad I am walking away from a stable relationship. He says this is a step backwards for us. But I cant wait to get my own place, get back to being busy and going for drinks with friends, etc. I also plan on having therapy so that I can understand what happened, understand the drinking and anorexia problem I had (which really disturbs me). And just trying to silence that voice of doubt now.

Thank you so much for your replies, they’ve helped me so much. I have a bit of an update.

The plan was, last Saturday I had told him I wanted to give him a week to think things through before we gave our notice in. I had planned on asking him what his plan was, and to give the landlord notice this Saturday. But yesterday when he came home, the atmosphere was terrible because I was on edge. We ended up having a massive argument, in which he said he had never said his mother was his priority (!!!! Gaslighting much?!). Apparently this week’s reason is his work: he works for his brother in law. He said he wasn’t moving to London just to start all over again in some shit job. He said he was too financially unstable to move, I said it was always some kind of excuse. He said "I don't want to move, I'm not going anywhere, you were like this all along, I'm disappointed but not surprised." Then the argument got heated and he said "if you want to go just fucking go." Then he said he wasnt keeping this place as he couldn’t afford it, so I said fine, I'll give our notice in tomorrow then. Then he said that where we are now was his compromise (!!!!). He said I chose the place (it was a joint decision, as you’d expect).

I said "a real compromise would have been [a city close to here]. That way I could have been in town and you could have stayed local." And he said "yeah because I really want to fucking drive 45 minutes to work every morning dont I."

Then he started imitating me in a really high pitched whiney voice that I hadn’t been using at all. In fact I had been staying really calm out of necessity – because only he is ‘allowed’ to be pointed and shouty, if I do it he usually storms off. So up to that point I had been kind of effacing but when he started doing that I started getting a bit more aggressive – it felt good actually. Then he lost his shit and started throwing things and punching things and shouting really loudly. Then he went inside and slammed the door and said "you're lucky I have some self control, you really need to stop winding me up because you can see I can be violent and it wont happen the same way next time" (implying it would be worse).

This morning I had another bad panic attack. On the plus side, that’s the final conversation done at least. I considered going straight down to London but I don’t have family there and my friends all live in very tight flats, obviously. Plus I still need to pay the rent here. My situation is complicated somewhat by the fact that I have a little dog and a cat (sigh). Who I love dearly, and who I will need to put first in my choice of new place – and what options are open to me.

I don’t think I’m in any danger of harm because (this is so sad to say) I plan on being manipulative and “nice” until I sort myself out. Hes not the type of guy who is ever aggressive or violent just because. Its (as I see it) if I instigate conversations that make him feel insecure. Luckily for me, I don’t need those conversations again. Ive heard what I need to hear.

I just feel so tired and foggy – probably because Im not really eating enough, and also because these panic attacks are really draining.

It just made me think though – Ive always held back so much in our arguments. Firstly because I never want to hurt a person I love with a harsh truth. But secondly because I guess with men theres always an unspoken truth, that they know and that you know, which is that they could hurt you if they wanted to.

I have to say in his defence, that I came here willingly. I don’t think it was a mistake to try – it was a mistake to hold on for so long. I thought maybe that I would adapt. I thought that in a relationship maybe you adapt to each other and move forwards in life changing and tweaking things together. At any rate, I have learned a powerful lesson about my own boundaries. I feel like I dropped as low as it was possible to drop, psychologically.

Its so difficult to hear some of the things here, because the truth is - he has always been a nice, loving and caring partner to me. He has never stopped me going off whenever to see friends or family, going on holiday with friends. Never any issues. My view is that me wanting to move and his refusal etc shines a light on his personal shortcomings. His own lack of confidence, his own lack of commitment and his own lack of ambition too. I think he cannot handle criticism of any kind. He cant handle not being seen, or being, perfect.

Just to thank you all for your support and to let you know that Im ploughing ahead. If I have to pay double rent for a bit, then so be it.

I hope you are okay and can get through the next few days or weeks. He really has made sticking to your decision much easier and to not hold out for any sort of long distance relationship or change of heart.

Please try and get away as soon as you can as he does seem to have lost control now and is showing his true colours. Say safe and get out asap. If you were one of my friends I'dd find room for you somewhere so maybe ask them.

My goodness @HeartbreakHotelier. I'm so sorry it's escalated so badly but well done you for standing up for yourself. Yes do press on as quickly and as safely as you can because he really HAS shown you a more violent, manipulative and abusive side of his nature, both in the way he spoke to you and his implied threat about "next time".

You have definitely made the right decision to move and he, himself, has shown you that.

Good luck with finding your new home OP. Stay safe. 🌷

he has always been a nice, loving and caring partner to me
You just haven't told him no before. He has never had to compromise or not do as he wanted. He has become aggressive because for the first time he isnt getting what he wants.

Good luck with the next few weeks and the move. If he threatens you again phone the police.

I agree with @LilyMarshall. These are his true colours. The very first time you said no, he threatened you with violence and that you would have brought it on yourself. Yes, call the police if there is another threat, and get on as quickly as you can with getting out.

And also, OP, I think you should do the Freedom programme when you can. Your last post sets the bar so terribly low for what constitutes a decent partner — that he’s never stopped you going out with friends or family, or going on holiday, when it’s fairly clear from your posts that this suited him, because it meant you had to stay in his place, where you were miserable.

Surely you’re not now considering remaining in the relationship and seeing him every second weekend?

I hope you can break free of him as soon as possible.

medium.com/the-hearth/that-nice-guy-could-be-a-misogynist-7182f7616600

I really feel for you. It sounds like such a suffocating environment. I wanted to pick up on the anorexia (I hope you don't mind but it sounds like it's troubling you somewhat and I have a very similar experience). I became anorexic with my last partner, I honestly never hated my body and so it was a really difficult diagnosis to accept. I had heard it was about control but that made no sense to me because I couldn't see how little emotional and physical freedom I had with my partner. When I started knowing I had to get out, every single morning I would be sick from the nerves of another day on edge, tip-toeing around, staying silent and small, wanting to leave but afraid of the confrontation. I played 'nice' the whole way and it cost me physically.

Anorexia is an incredibly serious illness. How did your partner react? How did he comment on your body? Did he show any care? I was inconsistently given concern so it was very hard to change. I am so proud that you have made progress.

Everytime I think I might relapse I realise that I'm feeling how I felt when my partner would shame me or blow up at me, make me doubt myself etc. Going forward you might feel those feelings again and just know that that's ok because someone's words stay with you but they'll fade and you'll be stronger than ever.

I recommend the freedom program as others have said and therapy will really help centre yourself again as being in an abusive relationship can feel like your boundaries (physical and mental) have been blurred and erased.

I really hope that you can find a way to leave because I know how hard it is. You are doing great and we are all here to support you.

So pleased you've managed to make the choice to move.

He has now threatened you with violence if you 'wind him up' again.

If you needed proof that you are making the right decision, then this is it.

Good luck op, sounds like you've made the right decision.

OP, your update was terrifying to read.

He’s not a nice caring man. He’s a man who can threaten to hurt or kill a woman in anger and blame it on her.

What’s that quote? ‘Men are scared women will laugh at them. Women are scared men will kill them.’

So pleased you’re getting out - please please get out as soon as you can. You are in danger around him. Your decision to ply nice may not work. One evening he may blow up regardless.

Good luck finding a lovely, pet friendly place in London and getting your life back

Be very careful, OP. When I first started reading this I was very concerned that he may become violent. I think you need to start making plans in secret. I think you need to get away as soon as possible. If you think it’s going to be too difficult, I would tell him that you agree to his idea of travelling back and forward, in order to pacify him, then block him on everything as soon as you leave. Make sure he can’t get your pets. I know of one man who put a woman’s dog in kennels, without telling her, so she couldn’t leave, as she kept looking for the dog. She found out from a neighbour, five days later, as he had been asking the neighbour about kennels.

It sounds like he has covertly held his threat of anger and violence over you 24/7 masked by his “niceness”.

But the mask has slipped and he is now showing you and telling you exactly who he is a violent, angry, threatening, controlling man.

I suspect your issues of anorexia may be your body screaming out to you around the disconnect from the fear and confusion you are subconsciously feeling but your head is subconsciously denying and the drinking is to numb, soothe and escape this mental conflict/ distress.

As others have said. Be v aware that there is a v real threat to you and your pets.

Hope you’re out ok op

Dear Mumsnetters,

I have good news for you! I found a flat in London, but get this: it is also something very close to my dream flat. Its furnished and has a garden, and I will be getting the keys on 1 July (on Wednesday)!

Since I posted two weeks ago or so, things got steadily worse for me. The day after he said 'you're lucky I have some self control, you really need to stop winding me up because you can see I can be violent and it wont happen the same way next time', I wanted to give him a chance to withdraw his comment, so I told him it had made me feel very threatened. He said "well it's true. Another man would have put you through a wall". I said "don't you realise how threatening hat sounds?" and he said "well I had to find some way of keeping you quiet, didn't I?"

My eating problem spiralled out of control, my tension made it impossible for me to consume almost anything. I began really fearing for my safety, and things got steadily worse. My panic attacks began getting worse and worse to the point where they were lasting 5 or 6 hours - this is exhausting as you can imagine, but also terrifying. I began feeling like I really was losing my mind. Somehow, I managed to get myself on a train (got stuck in a café for four hours trying to come down from a panic attack) to go for viewings. I sorted it all with the flat in 48 hours.

I handed the notice in to my landlord, which caused him to lose his shit some more. He told me I was cruel, and he began ranting about how I had backed him into corner, how I had sprung this on him out of nowhere and taken a unilateral decision on something that greatly affects him, and his life was going to be shit now (he relies on me financially to afford the kind of house he wants. Without me he will now need to move into a small flat, which I welcome for myself but seems to really bother him). A lot of his anger at me seemed to be about practical things - how he would have to buy a bed and a fridge now, since he sold his when we moved in together (the truth is I will just give him everything except my sofa which I love, as my place is furnished and I want to travel light). I began feeling really shaky and paranoid - example, he went down to the basement (we never go down there) and began banging around, I became convinced he was looking for duct tape to kidnap me (face palm). Actually he was just packing some boxes.

On Friday I went to stay at my friends house overnight and it was just lovely - she's such a warm and maternal person and I was able to properly relax. It made me realise that it is really this house and the atmosphere that is causing me to disintegrate.

To be completely honest with you, I don't believe he would ever have laid a finger on me. I think my mental health had/has deteriorated to the point that I was extremely on edge and paranoid. I think it was all bluster. It doesnt take away from the seriousness of his words, though. Now, he has 'come down' a little. He isnt talking to me, but he did thank me when I gave him a glass of wine last night, and he asked me if I wanted a takeaway because he was going to fetch one. He also told me the landlord called him to check about his moving dates. He seems now to be angry, but has accepted it.

I know this is unbelievable to hear from the outside, but he was actually a decent and loving partner to me in many ways. He pulled more than his weight around the house, he was always gentle and supportive and had kind and thoughtful gestures for me. Its just that this point of contention has always been there between us, and I think he knew there was never going to be a solution that would fit us both, so he tried to use angry defensiveness to avoid the conversations and prevent the inevitable. He has also clearly shown himself to be selfish and unempathetic when dealing with needs that conflict with his own. And he has also shown himself to be something of a secret misogynist IMO, which has surprised me. I'm just glad I dont have the trap of kids. All this to say that I am happy and excited about the future, but of course saddened that things fell apart like this. Next time I will remind myself that if there is such a fundamental difference in perspective, life vision and lifestyle preferences, then only heartbreak can come.

Now, I am really looking forward to getting my keys in three days. It is now all logistics. One thing I wanted to ask you is what you think I should do about my mental health now. I think just being back in town and away from this house will be excellent for me, but I do want some help.
I made an appointment with a psychologist out of a feeling of urgency, but now I'm thinking maybe I should register with a GP local to me and tell them everything and try and get a referral. What do you think? Also, what kind of therapy do you think would be good? I'm kind of confused with CBT, hypnotherapy, loads of options. What should I be looking for? I also have a friend who is on medication for her anxiety and she said that obviously she's not a pro but maybe it's worth asking a doctor if I can take something short term to help. What do you think about that?

Thank you so much for your help. In a twisted way, I am so glad I had this experience. I feel proud I managed to scrape myself off the floor. It was not humanly possible for me to sink any deeper physically or psychologically, and I still did it. I am also glad I had this experience for the empathy it has given me for other women.

Well done you. I hope the move all goes smoothly. Are you with him till moving day? I would lie low and keep out of his way if I were you in case he kicks off again.

Yes definitely short term see your GP.

I think you have been very brave and done the right thing.

You've done so well! Congratulations on your apartment!

I think over time you'll see he wasn't 'a good guy except..'. He's someone who had exactly what he wanted by trapping you somewhere you were unhappy. You subsidised his life style, giving him a bigger house, sex and a housekeeper.
He watched you slowly disappear and did nothing. Let you use alcohol and food and still did nothing. He watched you in distress and did nothing. When you tried to help yourself he attacked you verbally and with threats of violence.
Would you have behaved like that to him? Ever?

Anyway, that aside, well done!
Re the therapy etc, you sound very self aware and with it. I'd manage your move first, reengage with your friends, then see how you feel. If you are still depending on food and alcohol or having anxiety attacks then definitely see the GP.

Do the freedom programme on line (have you heard of it?). It will help you unpick what abusive behaviour looks like and how you can spot red flags in future.

You'll know by then whether you need more support to recover.

That’s really great news OP. Can you stay with your friend until Wednesday so you don’t have to go back?
I would suggest registering with a GP as soon as you get to London.
When I was referred to counselling the clinic rung me and we had a consultation where they explained the different types of therapy and suggested which one would be right for me.
I hope all goes well for you with the move 💐

Fabulous news on the flat, OP. It’s clearly meant to be!

I agree with PP on the therapy suggestions. I also think you’ll find you start to feel a huge amount better just from having got away. You’ve shown such courage and determination in getting away and creating this opportunity for yourself. You’ve got this!

PS - just to be clear: most men would not put their partner through a wall. Or threaten her with violence. Ever. No matter what she said or did.

Congratulations on your flat and for being so strong through all this. You're an inspiration and I wish you all the best for your next chapter.

It’s horrifying that you’re still saying he’s a good guy and he’s been good to you. He sounds evil. I wouldn’t be taking his threats so lightly. Get you and your things and your pets out of there ASAP and then never see him again. I would assume he will escalate as it gets closer to the time you leave. Please keep safe.

You've done so well. I'm really proud of you. It sounds like it's been a really difficult couple of weeks. I really hope your new flat is the beginning of a great new life for you.

Please stay with your friend and ask that if you have to go back to the flat with him that she goes with you. Don't underestimate his threats, if he does hurt you, he will blame you because he warned you and you ignored him.

From my own experience, my physical and mental health suffered a lot once I was out. I'd spent years running on high energy that when I knew I could really relax I started getting constant nausea and trouble sleeping. My eating also suffered because of that.

When you say MH which bit do you think is most problematic? Unfortunately ED services aren't usually connected to other MH services. My journey has been ED services to recover (CBT and DBT) and now I'm seeing a trauma specialist (abusive relationships are traumatic!) who also has an interest in eating disorders. CBT is more aimed at how you think or behave but trauma therapy is more about how you feel and finding safety in your body and reframing what happened.

If you go to your GP and get referred to the local community mental health team they will discuss with you your symptoms and discuss through the options.

I recommend the freedom program online, it describes abuse in terms of more than the physical. I can see a few of the abuser profiles in your ex.