This isnt a big mistake....right?

[HeartbreakHotelier]

Hello! I am new to posting but not new to reading. I have spent the past five years under what has felt like mental torture - despite being with a really good guy. I have lived in basically social isolation/lockdown mode because of our location. The location was chosen because he wanted to live close to his family. I used to be really active, out and about, loads of activities and mates. Not anymore. Luckily I still talk to my girlfriends on the phone almost every day.

Every time over the years I have tried to talk about moving he has blown up at me, just shouting and swearing and crashing out of the house and leaving. Its made me feel like I dont have a voice. The most confusing part for me has been that this only, ONLY ever happens when I broach the subject of us moving. Otherwise in our day to day, he is very sweet, thoughtful gestures, affectionate, pulls all his weight around the house etc, which is why it has been so confusing and taken me so long to wake up. I told him that I felt like I didnt recognise myself any more and he blew up at me.

Things got steadily worse over the past 2 years. I became anorexic - I'm still not sure why, it wasnt about weight as I've never had a problem with my weight. I also started drinking more. I have felt so isolated and alone, I felt like my personality was dying. I felt like I was slowly dying from the inside out. I then started having intense panic attacks every. Single. Morning. Luckily, something clicked inside me and the past two months I have managed to pull myself back on track. My eating is much better, and I stopped drinking.

Two weeks ago he said to me: "I'm not saying I'll never move. But you need to understand that right now, spending time with my mum is my priority."

I was completely shocked. She is a healthy 60 year old woman who sees all her family every day.

It made me finally see: I'm not his priority, am I?

So I finally decided. After FIVE YEARS. On Saturday I just said: "I'm moving to London." He looked really upset about that but said 'I cant stop you doing what makes you happy. I can't move with you.'.

Since then I have started calling around for flats and I feel so free already. My heart sank a little yesterday morning when he said 'I've been thinking. Instead of you moving fully to London, why dont you get a little studio there and we also keep our house here together, and you can move back and forth between the two?' (my job allows for it). In my head its like - thats just completely benefiting you again, with me again adapting so that your life remains unchanged. Im really struggling to understand his mindset here - in what possible world does he think that would work for me?

I think part of the reason he wants us to keep a home together is sentimental of course, but also because he will find it very difficult to rent a place alone moneywise.

I am sticking to my guns. I am going to tell him that no, that does not work for me, I am moving full time to London and we can see each other every other weekend, end of story. I am regaining some of my confidence and power now. I feel like I've been in lockdown for five years. My mental health took such a toll. This past year, I've been reading Mumsnet and even found threads with similar situations which helped me realise I shouldnt be living like this. I didnt want to post because I knew everybody would tell me to cut my losses and I wasnt ready to hear it. Now Im ready to make my life about me again. I feel so stupid for having wasted five years on losing myself.

At my age (mid thirties) am I making a mistake? I believe he genuinely loves me. But I dont understand why then he isnt making me a priority. I guess it doesnt matter. I guess Im just looking for reassurance and maybe stories of other women who have been in this situation of moving for a guy, or been in the situation of having to leave somebody because they werent being true to themselves, despite how nice the other person was.

I just feel so happy and excited for this next stage of my life - but also a little sad I am walking away from a stable relationship. He says this is a step backwards for us. But I cant wait to get my own place, get back to being busy and going for drinks with friends, etc. I also plan on having therapy so that I can understand what happened, understand the drinking and anorexia problem I had (which really disturbs me). And just trying to silence that voice of doubt now.

Well, based on @ButterflyBitch's reaction - it definitely sounds like the Freedom programme will be a good call for me. I'll sign up to that and make an appointment with my GP.

Unfortunately I could only stay at my friend's house for one night because of my bloody beloved cat :-( She has a cat allergy, so I couldnt take the cat with me, and I cant put her in a cattery because she hasnt had her second round of vaccines yet :-( I also dont trust him not to let her out at night, so I only felt I could leave her overnight. I feel guilty about my cat, which my friends say is ridiculous: the reason being that right now she spends the days frolicking in the woods and fields, and now I'll be moving her to the city! At least she'll have a garden though. The whole thing with the cat has made me think - jesus, imagine what women with children trying to leave a tricky situation have to get through!

Thats also stopped me from checking into a hotel to wait the days out, or whatever. Its going to be okay though. He doesnt know I've found a place, and he doesnt know I'll be going on the 1st. I just told him that I was looking and had already seen some good options. I also told him I planned on getting things moving speedily. Interestingly today I saw someone started a thread about feeling on edge and giving her notice without her boyfriend's 'consent'. Eerily similar dynamic. I'm actually starting to feel a little bit angry that he is choosing to be so pathetic and 'but what about my finances and practical living?' about it. Grow a pair? Look after yourself? That's what I'm doing!

I think its going to be okay. He 'allowed me' to kiss his cheek this morning (LOL) and my landlords are my neighbours - I have their support. Just got to stay relaxed and lowkey.

There will be time for anger later. Right now I just need to focus on logistics and staying cool and calm. My friend is coming to pick me up on Wednesday morning. She had to flee an abusive relationship (with kids!) so she's well-versed. We're making a road trip out of it! I will need to come back here in a few weeks time to give back keys and organise some of my heavier/bulkier things. Right now we are just taking the car and loading it up with the dog, the cat, paperwork and documents, my computer, personal sentimental belongings (not that I think he will destroy it in a fit of rage but... never say never, eh?), favourite clothes, essentials, etc. The other stuff can wait until I have enough breathing space to think about a van.

I feel pretty shit about myself physically. I used to feel quite pretty, now I think I look a decade older than I am. My hair looks shit, my skin looks shit. I was never curvy, always lanky, I didnt have the weight to lose and now I dont think I look severely ill/critical as Ive managed to hold on to SOMETHING thanks to the meal replacements and fatty liquids, but I definitely look underfed. Now its summer and Im self conscious of my arms and legs :-( It'll be okay though. There will be time to sort that out later.

Feeling pretty positive :) Very positive actually!

You'll look ten years younger when you lose the stress that living with him brings! You'll be able to please yourself. You'll enjoy it!

@ThePathToHealing Thank you for replying and sharing your story!

The thing is, although I know that clinically/medically what I have will be classed as anorexia, I don't actually feel as if this is an eating disorder in the classic sense. Earlier in the thread a poster commented that the alcohol use was for escapism/denial and the food thing was about control. I totally agree re the drinking, but with respect to the food, although it's an interesting and logical angle, I don't think my problem is related to that.

My problem with food isn't related to calories or body or feelings of control actually. It's to do with a phobia (I know how mental this sounds) of the actual mechanics of swallowing, the sensation that I am about to choke or suffocate on the food. I can remember the exact moment the whole thing was triggered. I was in a state of deep dread and panic and BAM the idea came to mind. It all started there. I think it is a physical/motor reaction to tension and anxiety. It's to do with my throat and jaw having felt tight (dry mouth, lump in throat) at that specific moment, and then the idea/fear having been sparked. It feels like a physical reaction that then developed into an intrusive thought.

Basically, imagining myself in a group therapy setting for example, I think the root cause of my problem means I would have much more in common with people trying to overcome 'irrational' phobias or potentially even people with OCD than I would people dealing with anorexia or bulimia.

I am deeply relieved to read your exit plan and I hope we hear back from you on Wednesday when you are safe in your new place. Here are some flowers for your flat ->

You are so self aware. Well done. You'll soon be free and on the road to recovery!

@HeartbreakHotelier
Thank Goodness! I've been thinking of you for a while and hoping you were making progress and OK, so thanks for updating.

I'm so glad you are escaping such an abusive relationship and one which could do easily have become physically violent. The man who thought and said * aloud the words "Another man would have put you through a wall"* is actually capable of doing this. You must have thought the same as he was clattering about in the cellar. I urge you to be wary in the days you are left under the same roof before you can finally be rid of him. He is still angry and in no way your friend, as you have seen.

As for how you feel about your appearance. You have been living on adrenaline and so unhappy - of course your mental and physical health will be affected but, I'm willing to bet, that will start improving as soon as you are settled into your new home away from his negative, selfish behaviour.

I see you will be undertaking some therapy and have also received some advice. That's a very good idea to underpin the foundations of the next chapter of your life.

Congratulations OP. You deserve everything good which comes to you from this moment. Take care. 🌹

I completely understand. My boyfriend had that phobia last year. It was heart breaking watching him cry because he thought he would choke and die. Everything he ate felt 'cloying' in his words. He's totally recovered now and I'm so proud of him.

It's so great that you have this awareness and insight. It will serve you really well on the next stage of your journey. I'm sure there are brighter skies ahead.

You are doing amazing OP. You should be very proud.

We work with choking phobia all the time in the nhs, it's pretty bread and butter for us (pardon the pun!) so when you've moved to London see if you self refer into a primary care psychology team there for CBT. It works really well for this

How did the move go OP? X

Wow you are a legend. The sanest supposedly mentally unwell person I've heard of!

I think you have plenty of time to sort this out, first get out and let the stress fall away. We arent going out yet and once you are safe and happy you can see what's left. Everyone looks shit at the moment.

Just get in the flat, take a deep breath and id second cbt with someone who specialises in this kind of thing.

You've just done this and it's so impressive. I don't know what's going on with him it's obviously some kind of trigger but the threat of physical violence is the red line for me. So it's really not important why, but so weird that you are actually splitting up but it's like you're not.

Hi OP, good luck with the move.

I just wanted to say that I suffered with the exact same eating disorder (or what I thought was an eating disorder) between the ages of 13-20.

Looking back it was triggered by anxiety. It spiralled and I became scared of food. It vastly improved when I left school and started up again briefly in my very late teens. For some reason, I don’t get it anymore. I know how you feel though, it was a horribly confusing time and my mum was terrified I had something awful wrong with me. I couldn’t control it and it terrified me. I was 6 1/2 stone at 15.

My bet is that you will feel you again very soon.

Dear all - update! There are some good parts, and some bad parts.

The good news is I am in the flat, I moved on the 1st (Wednesday) as planned. Everything went smoothly, I decided to tell him on Wednesday just before he left for work and my friend came to pick me up. He looked completely blindsided. I dont think he expected me to actually go through with it, let alone so quickly.

The other good news is that the next day I met with my new GP who is absolutely lovely and so reassuring. She prescribed me a low dose of Xanax for a month (0.25mg a day) and referred me to an eating disorder team at a hospital. She said (as someone on here said) that this swallowing phobia is actually a common symptom of anxiety and that the team there are well versed in handling it. I have lost 10kg in two years.

Now for the bad(ish) news:

• The team has a waiting list so I can only start in October/November. But I made an appointment to start some psychotherapy (she suggested CBT on the 18th).
• I was very disappointed to find that the flat has a few problems. Its a beautiful Victorian (?) garden flat with a great garden and some really lovely features but I think I was blinded by these romantic details when I viewed it - it is also DIRTY (I guess I was so panicked and it was a beautiful day on the day I viewed that I didnt notice or look for this). The landlord whisked me around the flat and I was standing there with my suitcase and animals, I didnt want to say anything. But I now need to clean this place. By the way, I am so very far from a cleaning freak, I actually have fairly low cleaning/tidiness standards, so when I say it's dirty - it's actually dirty. Plus, you know what it's like in these old buildings - it's somehow harder to get at the dirt than in newer builds, I guess because there are a lot of uneven nooks and crannies, old paint, etc. So I need to deal with that. It just feels very overwhelming right now.
• The boiler....dear Jesus, the boiler. Okay, so again, my flaking mental health on viewing day must have obscured this. Basically, I saw what I thought was a wood chip fire in the kitchen. Nope. Guys....it's a freaking WOOD PELLET BOILER. What the hell! Apparently, this is very green and very low cost to run, so it's not a bad idea. But I have NO CLUE how to use one. I'm going to have to order some pellets and figure it out but in the mean time it's absolutely FREEZING which hasn't helped things!
• On Friday night, I had without exaggeration the worst night of my life. I have no clue what happened. A friend came over to eat, all was well, I felt completely normal. But then as soon as he left at 11pm, I had the worst panic attack ever, and then it kept coming in waves. It just wouldn't stop. Suddenly I realised I was in the flat alone with the dog and the cat, it was all dark and silent outside obviously, and I was just being hit by wave after wave of panic attack. Thank god I have the best family and friends in the world, I was able to call people one after the other. I felt completely insane and so guilty. One friend I had to call, by this stage it was 3am, I woke her up. She had to read out of a book aloud to calm me down. Each person I called, I managed to calm down, but then as soon as I hung up it would start all over again. I was terrified I would have to call A&E. The last person I called was my sister at 5am (she's on another continent so it was evening for her). Finally then, I managed to fall asleep at 6am, but then my alarm went off at 7am and I had to take the cat to the vet. I thought I wouldn't be able to manage, I was so exhausted and shaken.

I'm not sure what the deal is, but it seems now the terror hits at night when I'm alone, so I've got into a bit of a routine. No more alcohol for me, not even a glass, because for some reason it isn't sedating me, just making things worse. Now I take a pill at about 7pm, and I'm starting to get into the habit of settling myself and getting ready for bed early, so that my mind is reassured that people are still awake and about. Sounds crazy I know. I think things will work out for me. It's just going to take time.

It didn't help that the flat was so cold and not clean I think. Also, my pets were making the situation worse for me, the cat seemed a bit listless, having been removed from this big house with the fields and everything. I felt a bit overwhelmed. Last night was fine and I can sense tonight is going to be okay. I just have two priorities now: clean the flat, and figure out the heating!

@Osirus

Thank you so much for your reassurance, its nice to know I'm not alone. It feels like such a weird thing to get blocked over. I'm so glad you managed to pull through, gives me hope x

@ThePathToHealing

More evidence of other people with this problem! Completely agree with your boyfriend, 'cloying', thats exactly the feeling. Anything that turns to stodge in the mouth is now really difficult for me - so basically most carbs, bread being the worst. 'Melty' or crisp textures seem to be easier...!

@HeartbreakHotelier
Oh my dear, what a time you are having.

First of all, great you are in your new home and safe from any potential harm from your Ex.

I'm sorry it's so very dirty but that is a temporary situation (though one you shouldn't have to cope with). Can you get the landlord to pay for an initial deep clean? Or maybe agree for you to arrange that, but reducing the rent for a few weeks to take the cost into account? Look into steam cleaning equipment you can buy or hire if you prefer to do the cleaning yourself but, again, see if you can get a rent reduction against the cost, if possible.

Great about your sympathetic GP and, hopefully, the CBT will help you for when you are able to meet the eating disorder team.

After all you've coped with over such a long time you can deal with the boiler. Meantime for heating maybe get yourself a couple of good thermostatically controlled electric radiators - one for the living room and one for your bedroom. Have you a working hot water supply independent of that boiler?

Have the dog and cat sleeping close to you for a while maybe - to settle both them and you.

I'm so sorry about the panic attacks - that sounds so scary. But think how tightly wound you've been with Poo-face for so long, especially the last few weeks when he really ramped up. It may be of little/no comfort, but the pressure valve was bound to release once you were free of him. And thank God - you are! How wonderful, also, that you have such lovely people on your life who you can call to help calm you down. You ARE really lucky OP. Be gentle on yourself for a little while. Take care. 🌷