Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do husbands ever leave their wives?

53 replies

macbeam2020 · 09/06/2020 11:39

I knew a guy about 10 years ago. Casual relationship, got on great, amazing sex (nothing has compared). We have bumped into each other once or twice over the years and sent the odd hi how are you text. Both married / kids, although I'm now separated. Saw each other in the street a few weeks ago and started texting. It has got a bit carried away with talking about past encounters so I put the brakes on. He now tells me he wishes we'd properly dated and that he was just young and silly at the time. I said he can let me know if he is single again as no way would I consider seeing a married man. Do you think he is just using me or is there possibly something still there between us? I refuse to be someone's leftovers but I have always thought about him on and off over the years and wondered what if.

OP posts:
Bathbedandbeyond · 09/06/2020 13:10

They do leave, but then there is pressure and tension in the new relationship as you always wonder if they’ll do the same to you.

recycledteenager24 · 09/06/2020 13:16

good for you op, let him drag his gutter morals elsewhere, i feel sorry for his wife and possibly the next woman he tries to hit on.
not sure about now but there were teenage lads who would say to their girlfriends 'if you loved me you would' er, no 'if you loved me you'd respect me matie'

Sweetlikecoca · 09/06/2020 13:25

I do believe people can have an affair and have genuine feelings for that person.
The amount of people that leave their wife/husband won’t be too many.

It’s probably a case of that boat sailed. (Don’t look back) if it was meant to be, it would have been!

MrsPworkingmummy · 09/06/2020 13:33

Hi OP, my husband left his wife for me and I left my fiance for him. This was 11/12 years ago now. I don't worry that my husband will leave me and certainly don't feel any tension over the way we got together as others have suggested a woman might feel in this situation. At the time, it was hard and yes, people were hurt. We did all we could to minimise hurt on all sides. I think we'd have both been devastated had we not got together and all of these years later would have reminisced alot like you are doing now.

Original poster
macbeam2020 · 09/06/2020 13:42

Your comments and insights have made me see sense. Yes the flirty texts were fun (although I did have a pang of guilt knowing it is wrong when he is married) and we did have some amazing sex years ago that I will never forget :D I guess it's just hard when your marriage has been destroyed by a husband who cared more about computers and alcohol than even giving his wife a kiss when he got home from work. It was flattering to get some attention and feel desired again. It has been so long. But I will not lower my standards. Like some PPs said if his marriage is genuinely under threat because of other issues I would maybe consider seeing him just to see if the spark was still there. Deep down I know myself that men never leave their wives, despite their bullshit lines.

OP posts:
Trevsadick · 09/06/2020 13:46

I am sorry your husband was a shit.

That doesnr excuse you being complicit in another man treating his wife like shit.

You basiy, told him, that if he tells you he has left her, you will shag him. Nothing to stop him 'taking space' from his wife, snagging you and going back. Or pretending he has left.

What you mean is, will this man leave his wife and kids, to get a chance to shag me?

Needtogetbackinthesack · 09/06/2020 13:51

I was in a similar position a few months ago - I fancied someone, asked him out, turned out he was married. We chatted, and soon he said he was going to leave his wife for me (nothing had happened between us by this point) and I said fine; let me know when you're single. He told his wife he was leaving, then lockdown happened and he got back with her. So I think they do sometimes, and I think he really would have if lockdown hadn't made it difficult for him - ie if he could easily pack his bags and move into mine with no looking back. But they don't often choose the 'difficult' option.

As it happened I very quickly met someone else who I've had a few Socially distanced dates with and am very happy with, he's a far, far better option than a married man. You made a good choice OP!

LightenUpSummer · 09/06/2020 13:56

I utterly hear you OP about the difficulty of wanting to be close to someone but without lowering your standards. It's hard waiting! I try to keep busy with socialising etc (in normal times). Hang in there.

PinkCrayon · 09/06/2020 13:56

But surely if you start up communication with someone who is married who is clearly wanting more from you and him talking do you not stop and think he can't be trust worthy to do that to his wife so why bother?
I can't see how anyone finds that attractive.
If he left her for you your relationships foundations would be laid on lies.
How could you ever trust him?
Move on op.

JudyGemstone · 09/06/2020 14:06

That other thread really sounds like it could actually be about you OP - did you read it?

Bundlemuffin · 09/06/2020 14:08

Sadly OP I think you know the right (and difficult) thing to do here. You have principles and you quite rightly value yourself too highly to get drawn into this kind of shit.

If he wants you instead of her, then he can leave her. Nothing stopping him. But it looks as though he just wants you as well as her.

There are plenty of men out there who will have more respect and will want a real primary relationship. And some of them are very good in bed Wink

whenitalkaboutsexnobodylistens · 09/06/2020 14:15

I'm wondering this OP. I've been seeing a guy for a while, but there's a catch, I'm married too. It's just so magical with him and we've had the post COVID reunion recently - it was great. Working on how we can be together.

MulticolourMophead · 09/06/2020 14:19

He is almost certainly looking for an affair. Perhaps his wife has lost interest in sex? It happens all the time when wives decide their nest is full, which is why so many men look elsewhere.

This is bullshit. Men have affairs because they want to, because they feel entitled to. I've seen so many threads on here about affairs, where the OP had no suspicion, and felt the marriage was good, including sex. The fact that men telling their OW that their wives don't have sex is such a cliche, is precisely because it generally isn't true.

OP, meanwhile, I'd stay away from this bloke, I agree it's likely he's simply wanting to shag and nothing more.

booboo24 · 09/06/2020 14:24

Would you want him if he did? Wouldn't you always wonder what he's up to behind your back? If he can do it to his wife of many years, he can do it to you once the novelty wears off. I'd personally be glad I never seriously dated him in the past after that

1forAll74 · 09/06/2020 14:26

It is possible that some people can still have strong feelings about someone from years ago, but times have changed, and other things have happened. You have already told this person, that you would not do anything,now that he is married, and he is just reminiscing about things I think. Everyone is jumping on him, saying he just want's sex with you, and they don't know anything about him.You can't view all men the same.

SVRT19674 · 09/06/2020 14:26

Your first answer is the correct one. Call me when you are totally single again...

GilbertMarkham · 09/06/2020 14:33

Sounds like a sterling character, trying to sext behind his wife's back.

Tell him to contact you when he'd split with his wife for 6 months solid ... And see if you ever hear from him again.

GilbertMarkham · 09/06/2020 14:43

Everyone is jumping on him, saying he just want's sex with you, and they don't know anything about him.You can't view all men the same.

Well they know he has flirtatious conversations with a previous partner about the sex they had, that she had to pull back from (not him) so they know his boundaries and integrity are lacking for one thing.

GilbertMarkham · 09/06/2020 14:45

I'm sure if he saw his wife having conversation with an ex about what great sex they had, having bumped in to him, discovered he's now single, and exchanged contact details ... He'd be delighted and think it was all cool, right?

2018anewstart · 09/06/2020 15:13

I'd say most men leave because their wives find out and kick them out. 4 years of an affair and not once did my ex husband leave. He moved in with her as soon as I picked him out. .As the OW unless they choose to leave you'll always be second best.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/06/2020 15:16

You only had a 'casual' thing all those years ago. Not a proper relationship. Presumably for reasons. So you never really knew him (apart from the fact that he was a fabulous shag). Now, having had recent romantic disappointment there is a danger that you are 'filling in' his personality with things that you wish your ex husband had had.

You don't really know this bloke. You only know what you wish he was like, and that never goes well.

Good on you for cutting all contact. He's not your white knight. You don't need a white knight, remember, you are awesome in your own right.

NamechangeOnceMore · 09/06/2020 15:21

My husband and I were married to other people when we met, and we left our spouses for each other. We were both in very unhappy and dysfunctional first marriages and are now happy, content and secure.

I think it's emotionally very hard for a man to leave his wife - usually it means moving out of the family home, seeing his kids less often, etc. So my perception is that men are more likely to wait until they have another relationship lined up, as then it feels worthwhile to leave.

Oopsiedaisyy · 09/06/2020 15:45

I think men aren't brave enough, and try to manage both relationships.

But as a OW, it's not enough if you end up falling in love with them.

backseatcookers · 09/06/2020 15:46

I am sorry your husband was a shit.

That doesnr excuse you being complicit in another man treating his wife like shit.

This.

You felt a pang of guilt and only stopped it when a forum of people suggested your behaviour is horrible?

Do you think he is just using me or is there possibly something still there between us? I refuse to be someone's leftovers but I have always thought about him on and off over the years and wondered what if.

You can't actually have thought he was likely to leave his wife to shag you, based on him sending you inappropriate messages for a few weeks after bumping into him in the street? If you did you sound very immature for an adult.

MsDogLady · 09/06/2020 16:04

Sexting? He certainly doesn’t value fidelity and loyalty. This faithless loser is no prize.

Swipe left for the next trending thread